Finding Christ In Our Wounds [Made In His Image: Part 2]

 I wrote this post over two months ago and am just now posting it: 

In haven't fully figured out what I am going to write here, but as I carry a great deal of depression in my body I feel called to look to Christ's wounds. It is easy (especially with the mental health disorders or anxiety and depression that I experience) to get caught up in gazing at one's wounds and all the fears that come with them. 

Am I lovable? Am I loved? Am I enough? Why are these here? Why do I suffer with these things? Why do I suffer with these emotions? Why do I suffer with these limitations? Am I a burden? What am I supposed to do? What if my wounds are a burden to others? How do I hide my wounds (from myself, from others)?

If we do not focus on uniting our wounds with the wounds of Christ and experiencing intimacy with Him amidst our wounds, we are going to head towards desolation. We were never meant to bare the pains of life without His grace. We were never called to bare anything alone. We were never called to be alone in our suffering. And, as pointless and useless as our sufferings may seem, they do have merit. That is why God allows them.

Experiencing deep wounds is an opportunity to unite with Christ in His passion. Reflecting on His wounds can bring great consolation, because if His wounds have merit then so do ours. Yes--Christ has united that closely with us. Each wound is an opportunity for intimacy with Him.

~*~

Some wounds I have reflected on in the past include the fear of being left out/left behind and the fear of losing those I love most. I reflected on how Christ also experiences these pains. He waits for us in Eucharistic adoration day and night, longing for us to come to Him and not forget Him and invite Him on the journey with us. His greatest pain is the loss of beloved souls.

Today I take this opportunity to reflect on other wounds I do carry or have carried and to look at how Christ and I share each wound and are united in them. (Maybe you can bring some of your own wounds to Him whether they are the same or different from mine.) 

Wounds

Depression - While the Bible doesn't tell us explicitly if Christ experienced depression, it does tell us that He experienced the greatest agony possible in the garden before His crucifixion. How heavy that weight must have been on His body! Christ knows that feeling of being overcome with weight and pain, with hurts and sorrows, and carrying His cross out of love anyway. Those sudden crying spells I experience, my experience of losing touch with my body as the weight bares down on me, those can all be united to Christ. I can thank Christ for these opportunities to share in His wounds.

Prayer: Christ, I unite feelings of being heavy, broken down, barely able to move on or to give any more of me with Your wounds in the Crucifixion. I thank you for the opportunity to be drawn so close to You. I pray to accept this sharing in Your wounds with gratitude and humility. I ask that my experience may be a source of grace to others and that throughout these experiences of pain my eyes might not be fixed on myself but on You.

~*~

Anxiety: I can unite these feelings of anxiety with Christ in the Garden where we are told He sweated blood. While the things He felt anxiety over carried a great deal more selflessness and holiness than my anxieties often do, the experience of physical anxiety was nonetheless the same. There can be that feeling of foreboding. "Let this cup pass, but not my will but yours be done." How hard it can be to speak these words. Whether or not we are immediately able to speak these words as the physical symptoms of anxiety bare down (sometimes including a feeling of implosion, a sense of stabbing pain or squeezing all over the body, a tight-set jaw, nausea, lightheadedness, a need to fight back, an inability to accept our greatest fears), we can unite our experience, our deep unease of mind and body with Christ's. Know He felt all these things in His body and more. Know that we are not alone. We are drawing near to Him. 

In my room, I have a sign I painted with a quote from a book by Sarah Young called Jesus Today. It says: 

"My presence is always with you, but I am very present in times of distress... During stressful times, your heart may race and your adrenaline level may soar. These physiological changes can block your awareness of My Presence. So it's vital at such times to remind yourself: 'Jesus is here with me; in fact, He is very present with me in this hard situation.' Then take some slow, deep breaths so you can relax enough to connect with Me and draw strength from Me." 

Prayer: I unite this sense of impending doom, of anguish-inducing fears to You. Please be with me. Please hold me in Your arms and heal me. Please help me to not lose touch with reality. Please help me to see everything in light of Your greater plan. I gaze upon You asking for strength, fortitude, and healing. Please remind me that this is but the journey and the end is heavenly glory with You. In this moment, I draw my strength from You. 

~*~

Migraines: I believe I started having migraines around age 11. Since then, they have come in different regularity. Some weeks come with multiple migraines. Other times I experience closer to only one migraine in a month. It is hard to describe a migraine well. For me it is like being stabbed in my left jaw, ear, and eye. There is such an insane pressure in these areas that when I close my eyes, I see lights dancing and fluctuating in shapes. I usually experience feelings of nausea due to pain. 

Migraines are an incredible opportunity to unite to Christ's suffering in the passion. In particular, one can reflect upon His being crowned with thorns. While for me it is a sensation, in His case actual thorns pierced into His very brain. Imagine all the nerve pain He experienced being stabbed all around His head. Those sensations would have gone all throughout His body. It is amazing to think during ones migraine that we are only experiencing a small portion of what He experienced. It is like Christ is saying, "Here is a piece of my cup to bare with me." Amidst a migraine, one can appreciate the sufferings of Christ all the more.

Another thing I have meditated upon amidst migraines is how as I experience my migraines I am met with love and affection. I am able to grab an ice pack. I can lay on the cold bathroom floor and throw up in the toilet. (Sorry if that's TMI.) My mom is often around and will bring me medication and support. Jesus had none of these things. All through His migraine, He was mocked and tortured, yet He never stopped loving. Experiencing a migraine is a great opportunity for selfless love, because it is an opportunity to love with acceptance and a giving heart amidst excruciating pain. The real test of love is not warm fluffy feelings in the stomach. It is to will the good of the other even if this comes with pain.

Prayer: Lord, I unite this migraine with the physical torments you experienced in Your passion, especially torments to the head. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to be drawn so near to You. I willingly accept this pain as a way of bringing You comfort and companionship in Your suffering and as an offering for the salvation of souls. Please help me to bare this pain well. If it be Your Will, please take this pain from me. If it is Your Will that I bare it, please help me to bare it well and meritoriously as I unite it to Your passion and cross.

~*~ 

Sense of not being seen or being misperceived: If anyone experienced this and continues to experience this, it is Jesus. Yet He never allows His heart to become hardened. In the Bible, He was questioned by the scribes and pharisees and Pilate. He was mocked by the crowds He came to save. He was doubted by His own apostles at times. Today, so many don't know Jesus. Or they think they know Him, but they have a false representation of Him in their minds. Many see Christ and His followers as strict and judgmental and full of condemnation. They see the guidance of God's 10 Commandments as a restraint rather than a provision of loving guidance. (When I say they, I also mean often you and me. How often do we misrepresent God in our minds?) They don't recognize Him in the Eucharist. Others see Christ as simply some sort of "you do you" therapist. They think that if He comes with unconditional love these means He has nothing to ask or no expectations. Yet, He does have things to ask, and these things are not out of selfishness but for our own good.

In painful moments where we experience being misperceived or the hasty judgment of others, we can recognize this as an opportunity to be drawn ever closer to Christ and experience just a small sliver of what He experiences day in and day out. We can pray for the gift of patience and humility. We can recognize His patience with us with gratitude. We can ask God to help us love and ask that our hearts might not become hardened towards those we feel misperceive us. 

(Side note: I believe I once heard another Catholic say that for Christ on the cross, what hurt Him more than the people who stood below the cross mocking Him were those who walked by Him and didn't even look up. They did not see Him. They ignored Him. I think the point that was being made when I heard this was how much lukewarmness hurts our Lord.)

Prayer: Lord, I am feeling misperceived or misjudged, and this is painful. I am prone to frustration, pushing back, and a hardening of my heart in this situation. Please help me to remain patient and loving as You did when you were misperceived or misjudged. Help me to love the other person in instances when I do not feel seen or loved. Help me to see this as an opportunity to draw near to you, share in your experience, and appreciate how much patience you have with those who do not recognize Your pain or requite Your love.

Here's the Jist! My Summer [2024] Health Journey

I find I've reached a point in my health journey where, when people ask how I'm doing health-wise, the full story is so long to tell that I just want to type it out and give people a link. This might sound a bit like a Caring Bridge post except that I'm not having big medical procedures done or anything:

P.S. If you don't like hearing about vomit, you shouldn't read this blog post.

 

JUNE

My health challenges became significant this year with symptoms accelerating in early June. I got a concussion in late March. I don't know if these health things are related to it (something in me thinks that I would be dealing with these issues regardless of the concussion). The first day of significant symptoms was a Sunday. On June 4th, I played tennis for about 30-40 minutes in the sun and could feel that something was wrong with my body. My brain felt weird and mushy and my balance felt off. I experienced nausea. I don't remember if this resulted in a full on migraine.

 

 

I thought this was going to be a one time thing and that I just needed to drink more water. Symptoms persisted and got worse through the entire month of June, however (and not just when I exercised). Starting either the first or second week of summer vacation, I reached a point where I couldn't leave home at all (not even to drive myself places), because my body was so sensitive to motion that I would get dizzy, get a migraine and vomit, and be out of commission for the rest of day. I stayed home for about a week, having my friends come over to my place since I couldn't make plans to go see them and do things out and about. Thank you to friends who were flexible in coming to see me when I couldn't come see you!

I debated if I should work summer school when this vulnerable to sickness 24/7. Ultimately, I decided not to do summer school although my health was only one contributing factor in that decision. (P.S. Taking summer off was sooo helpful.)

I wanted to have a summer of tennis and daily walks and Mass and adoration. My health problems put a damper on this. I knew if I went anywhere or pushed myself to do any exercise I risked getting a migraine that would be have me out the rest of the day/night. The doctor tested me for Diabetes, but the test came back negative.

JULY

In July things got a bit better, and I was able to start going on more walks and playing more tennis. I did have one instance of a migraine that was abnormal for me. Typically with migraines, when I throw up it seems to release the pressure in my head and the headache starts to go away. In this instance, I laid in bed all evening and night throwing up and the pain didn't decrease at all.

 

My mom and I decided to go to the hospital, but the doctors didn't know what they were doing and I became a human pin cushion (they even brought in ultrasound tech to try to get an IV in me). At the end of that visit, I bled onto the bed due to a doctor's error with bandaging, so my mom and I decided that the ER was not the place to go for a migraine unless it was life-threatening.

That said, I remember most of July as actually being a pretty wholesome month. My body was once again able to go for walks and even to play 40-60 minutes of tennis here and there. Exercise and tracking my diet (due to mild weight fluctuations) seemed to help.

AUGUST

In early August, my mom and I went on a trip to Wisconsin Dells that was a blast. We enjoyed a day doing a ropes course, but afterwards I became so dizzy that I couldn't even drive. My mom had to take over while I did my whole vomit-from-the-passenger-seat thing. After this, I began to have this sense of losing control of my body that I hadn't had before. I had to hold onto the wall twice within the next 24 hours (once showering and once at breakfast). The following afternoon, I could barely even get out of bed. I began having trouble retrieving words in my head, felt numb, and was experiencing the slightest constant tremor all throughout my body. I began to wonder if it was some allergic reaction. I remember thinking, "Is this what it's like being in a body you literally can't control? Where you physically can't do things and it feels like you're letting the people around you down?"

 

We cancelled our water park and Duck Boat plans, as even a little motion could cause symptoms. I thought it was going to ruin the trip, but we made things work and even had fun. Thankfully, we were able to go to the zoo one day when I finally was able to stand up and get out of bed mid-afternoon. I was actually well enough one day to go to the House on the Rock, and we got in some fun mini golf and shopping aside from this. It was an enjoyable trip, but it was also a big wake up call that my level of sensitivity to motion was returning to the levels it had been at in early summer.

When we came back, I was still able to play some tennis with friends. Then in mid to late-August, I played tennis with a friend and our old high school tennis coach for two hours in the sun (with plenty of long breaks throughout). Afterwards, I felt super overheated and dizzy. I made it to my car walking then started throwing up in the car. I was going to wait symptoms out and drive home, but even with the AC blasting and me laying back, my symptoms weren't diminishing. I ended up calling my mom though it was physically challenging to even speak a few words into the phone. 

My mom came and got me. I felt heavy and remained in the seat until she physically helped my dizzy body walk from my car to her car. I had two more major vomit sessions before we even got out of the neighborhood. My mom drove me home. For about 10 hours symptoms didn't get any better even with rest. I was throwing up to the point where I ran out of fluids in me, but my body was still retching. I truly think this was the worst migraine of my life (even worse than the one that got my in the hospital), and that's saying something!

I didn't leave home for the next three days and tried to rest my body doing relaxing things around the house like coloring. On Sunday, I drove for the first time (to Mass) and threw up again before I even got home. On Wednesday, I hung out with a friend and, as it got late, I could feel my body telling me it was getting tired (to the point where I could get sick), but I really wanted to get in the time with her before work started. Driving home that night I could tell I had barely ever been that dizzy behind the wheel. I knew I shouldn't be driving. My brain hurt from tiredness accompanied by dizziness and nausea. I did make it home. I played softball Thursday, and even though I had teammates sub as a "runner" for me, I got mildly dizzy on the way home. 

 

I went to the State Fair Saturday after sleeping in. Due to a blip, I ended up needing to walk a mile in the heat to get to an open entrance to the Fair. Once there, I was worried I would have to leave right away due to heat exhaustion. I knew I shouldn't walk. Praise be to God, after sitting in the shade for 30 minutes catching up with my friend I was able to stand up and move around. We paced ourselves, and I felt mostly okay throughout the day aside from a stomachache after eating a corn dog. I was going to have my mom pick me up early due to my exhaustion (primarily from the heat) but kept pushing back the time for her to pick me up. I was thankful to get in around 7 hours at the Fair that day (thank you, God, for helping my body recenter on multiple occasions).

On Sunday, I chose to not go anywhere until Mass, because I didn't want to end up sick and missing Mass like the previous Sunday. I went to evening Mass and then food shopping. On the way home I was super nauseous and symptoms only improved a little once home. On Monday, I felt mildly vulnerable to symptoms but did okay with the 3 mile drive to and from work and otherwise pacing myself. Tuesday I was mostly fine but did start to feel a bit sick in adoration after work so didn't stay very long.

I guess that brings it up to date... Hopefully this post has helped at least some in explaining my low energy recently. If I'm not making plans, it's not because I don't want to see people. I'm doing what my body will let me do and am grateful for that.

Prayers for my neurology appointment in October would be appreciated. Neurologists weren't able to do much for me in the past, so we'll see what happens.  My biggest takeaway with everything going on is just immense gratitude for how much my body has been able to do for so long, gratitude that I'm in a state in life where I can truly focus on self-care, and gratitude for the things that I still can do and the wonderful friends I can do them with.

Perks Of Working At A School

I think it's time for me to spend more time concretely reflecting on my good things in my life. There are such a plenitude of blessings! One of those blessings is my job. It comes with plenty of stressors, but God is blessing me so deeply where I work...

It gives me a great sense of purpose. I get to make a difference in so many lives, and while perhaps I've drempt of being married with kids at this age, I go into work each day knowing I have a purpose to care for children who need that light in their lives. There is a reason God has put other things on hold for me. He has so much purpose where I'm at. I wouldn't exchange anything for His plan for me.

Summers off (for freedom to explore). Let's be real and acknowledge that "summers off" is not really a thing for teachers with all their lesson planning and so forth. That said, I am blessed to be in a role (to have chosen a role) that gives me that 9-5 "work is at work" AND a full summer to explore new things without having to worry about health insurance. Summer can be so many things. Rest and rejuvenation. Enjoying God's beautiful world/weather. Opportunities to dabble in other types of work, to choose my own schedule, opportunities to travel or even move somewhere else for a couple months without having to ask off work... Oh, and lots of breaks throughout the year: winter break, spring break, long weekends.

Spirit weeks: How many people can say they went to work dressed up as Princess Leia?!

Free annual picture. This one is rather hilarious. I don't think many people in their 20s are really looking for an annual school picture to hand out to friends and family. That said, we get that. Dress up once a year, look your best, and watch yourself age beautifully lol. It is great if you need a professional shot!

Annual memory book. Yearbooks. I've stopped buying them for various reasons, but I think it's pretty amazing that for each year of our life, we get to have documented (mentally or in print) moments that really meant a lot to us: unique accomplishments, things unique to that year... and we're watching our kids grow which is crazy! We get to see the difference we've made in their lives as well as the difference they've made in ours.

Specific to my job...

Paid to exercise and play games with kids. That's right. PE para. A role I begged my supervisor for that he generously gave me. Not saying it's a stress free piece of cake. I can assure you there is plenty of stress in this role just as their is plenty of stress in other classrooms. That said, part of the reason I wanted this role is that it makes me workout daily, and I get paid to do it versus paying to do it! I also get to develop positive relationships with kids playing games and being their cheerleader--things that would be harder to do in other subject areas. (And I don't have to sit around all day. I'm constantly moving which is great for my mental health.) -- I get a home base but I also get the opportunity to sub and to explore various areas around the school, many which I wouldn't want to work in full time but that I enjoy trying from time to time.

Opportunities to try new things/change things up. I'm blessed that my supervisor is super flexible about where I want to be placed. Every year we can change things up if we really want (mid-year as well if things aren't working for whatever reason). This provides opportunities for variety but also stability.

Christian coworker! I almost left my job this year. With secular influences in our school taking over, I felt I had to hide my Christian self at work to blend in. I didn't like this feeling that I couldn't bring the most important/central part of my life and my identity into my daily work. I didn't like that rejoicing in my faith with others was only something I could do after work. Miracle of miracles, God not only called me to stay at my job, but the day before I had been scheduled to resign he sent an INCREDIBLE Christian coworker into my life, and now we thrive and constantly talk about what bringing the light of Christ to our job looks like--navigating the joys and sorrows of our daily life in Him. Now, I really can/get to shamelessly rejoice in being a daughter of God everyday with my dear sister.

Some pretty stellar coworkers (at similar stages to me in their lives). Despite plenty of coworker challenges in the past couple years--this year definitely included--I really do have many incredible coworkers, and they value me so much and so often talk me up which is a blessing. Feeling valued is huge (and well as feeling good at what I do). There are some other jobs I've been at where I've worked with vulnerable populations. That said, many people in those jobs are just at different stages in life than me: still in college, etc. It's nice to have coworkers who I can relate to in regard to out post-college stage of life who also aren't necessarily in a rush to "accomplish" everything by a certain age (such as raising a family) or judging me based off of that.

Kid-free professional collab time/on the clock. This is something most schools don't have to the extent that we do. In the majority of schools, paras come in with the kids and leave with the kids. There isn't time to decompress or problem solve with other staff members or just connect and prep for/decompress from the day. At my job there is that open time to do what you think is important and to work towards making time with the kids run more smoothly while still on the clock.

As Christians, Why Pronouns Matter - A LOT!

If you look at scripture, you will notice that every piece of it proclaims the importance of proclaiming Christ IN ALL THINGS. This proclamation in word and deed, along with our Baptism, is what makes us Christians.

We live in a world that is becoming more and more secular. Under names such as modernization and progressiveness, we are pressured and now even forced to proclaim that every person is creator of his or her own identity and has his or her own truth. In taking the place of God, man can now define himself and proclaim himself creator of his own truth (this is a heresy, by the way).

If we do not comply with these wishes, we risk the threat of being accused of hate speech, bigotry, and intolerance.

2023 Modernity:   "I am my own creator."

Compliance:   "You are your own creator."

Christians/Christianity (Proclamation of God’s Word):   "God is my creator." "God is your creator."

 

What does it mean to be a Christian? Based off of my study and understanding of it, I would say that

Christianity is the profession of Christ as our Lord and Savior and the profession of God's Word as truth. (Note: This definition does not change over time.)

At the very core of our beings as Christians is our profession of God as maker of all things and Jesus as savior of all humanity.

Let's examine now more in depth (1) what it means to be a Christian, (2) how God expressed through scripture and through Biblical models the importance of truth, and (3) why pronouns are especially of importance.

-------------------------------PART 1-------------------------------

 

Let's start with the basics and ask God's Word - the Bible...

Who is Jesus?  

"I am the way, the truth, and the life." (John 14:6)

Who do we profess? 

Jesus, aka The Truth ~ If we do not profess the truth, we do not profess Jesus. If we deny the truth, we deny Jesus, for Jesus is the truth.

"I will bless the Lord at all times; 

his praise shall be always in my mouth."

(Psalm 34: 2)

When it comes to pronouns, secular society may try to tell us, "It's just a word" but words have power, GREAT power. It was with words that God created. It was with words that the devil tempted Eve. It was with words that heresies were proclaimed. It was with words that people throughout the ages professed and glorified false gods. It was with words that Christians throughout the ages professed Christ. WORDS MATTER because they express TRUTH and FALSEHOOD, and Christ is truth and "The Word." 

-------------------------------PART 2-------------------------------

Where do we see today in yesterday?  Let's take a look at this scripture passage... “King Nebuchadnezzar had a golden statue made, sixty cubits high and six cubits wide, which he set up in the plain of Dura in the province of Babylon. He then ordered the satraps, prefects, and governors, the counselors, treasurers, judges, magistrates and all the officials of the provinces to be summoned to the dedication of the statue which he had set up. The satraps, prefects, and governors, the counselors, treasurers, judges, magistrates and all the officials of the provinces came together for the dedication and stood before the statue which King Nebuchadnezzar had set up. A herald cried out: “Nations and peoples of every language, when you hear the sound of the horn, pipe, zither, dulcimer, harp, double-flute, and all the other musical instruments, you must fall down and worship the golden statue which King Nebuchadnezzar has set up. Whoever does not fall down and worship shall be instantly cast into a white-hot furnace.” Therefore, as soon as they heard the sound of the horn, pipe, zither, dulcimer, harp, double-flute, and all the other musical instruments, the nations and peoples of every language all fell down and worshiped the golden statue which King Nebuchadnezzar had set up. At that point, some of the Chaldeans came and accused the Jews to King Nebuchadnezzar: “O king, live forever! O king, you issued a decree that everyone who heard the sound of the horn, pipe, zither, dulcimer, harp, and double-flute, and all the other musical instruments should fall down and worship the golden statue; whoever did not was to be cast into a white-hot furnace. There are certain Jews whom you have made administrators of the province of Babylon: Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego; these men, O king, have paid no attention to you; they will not serve your god or worship the golden statue which you set up.” Nebuchadnezzar flew into a rage and sent for Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who were promptly brought before the king. King Nebuchadnezzar questioned them: “Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, that you will not serve my god, or worship the golden statue that I set up? Now, if you are ready to fall down and worship the statue I made, whenever you hear the sound of the horn, pipe, zither, dulcimer, harp, double-flute, and all the other musical instruments, then all will be well; if not, you shall be instantly cast into the white-hot furnace; and who is the God who can deliver you out of my hands?” Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered King Nebuchadnezzar, “There is no need for us to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If our God, whom we serve, can save us* from the white-hot furnace and from your hands, O king, may he save us! But even if he will not, you should know, O king, that we will not serve your god or worship the golden statue which you set up.” Nebuchadnezzar’s face became livid with utter rage against Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. He ordered the furnace to be heated seven times more than usual and had some of the strongest men in his army bind Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and cast them into the white-hot furnace. They were bound and cast into the white-hot furnace with their trousers, shirts, hats and other garments, for the king’s order was urgent. So huge a fire was kindled in the furnace that the flames devoured the men who threw Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego into it. But these three fell, bound, into the midst of the white-hot furnace…” (Daniel 3:1-23) While this is my favorite and the one that stands out to me the most, there are so many other examples in the New Testament of times Christians were persecuted and often killed for refusals to do or say things directly contrary to God's Word. I think it is important to point out that in the Bible we are given the example of people who stood true to God's commands (even in seemingly minuscule things) as true Christians and noble models to follow. Consider the brothers who died refusing to not eat pork in 2 Maccabees 7 (I'm not trying to scare people and won't put the rather graphic passage here). Christians today might point out that there is not a rule against consuming pork for Christians today. That said, the point is that God looks with joy and compassion on those who obey His commands including those commands which the world may tell us are minuscule and petty... and based on the Biblical evidence above...

 

-------------------------------PART 3-------------------------------

I wouldn't consider pronouns minuscule things AT ALL. They point to the core of our identity. They are a proclamation of who we are. They are a proclamation of the maker/creator of the human person -- man or God.

When you state a person's pronouns, you proclaim who (or whose) and what they are. --You are not your own. You are a child of God.-- Our sex is at the very core of how God created us and what God created us to be. Genesis puts special emphasis on the phrase "Male and female He created them." (Genesis 5:2) Each of ours identity as male and female is specially given to us by God to reflect something beautiful and unique about His nature. Much more could be said here, but I am trying to keep this to a blog and not a book. I can try to at least link books/podcasts that go into this more below as I come across them.

When you use pronouns that do not align with a person's God-given sex you are proclaiming that they and not God are their own maker. You are giving the glory and honor to man that is due solely to God. You are, in fact, proclaiming that person to be their own God.

As a Christian, I will not proclaim you to be your own maker and god, because your very dignity and worth come from your identity in Jesus Christ.

"But if a prophet presumes to speak a word in my name that I have not commanded, or speaks in the name of other gods, that prophet shall die."

(Deuteronomy 18:20)

Closing Note (Important)

I want to acknowledge here that people do struggle with their gender and sexuality. I do not want to deny that people experience great pain in this and need gentleness and compassion. But it is not compassion to feed into a lie. It is compassion to proclaim the truth. Only in truth will a person find their true identity.

Lessons Learned [As An Educator] - School Year 2022-2023

Even when working in one of the best of schools, there's still regular crisis calls, sexual harassment, and violent threats. These are some of the biggest things I have dealt with (some frequently) in my work life this year. 

Welcome to working in a school 2022-23 edition.

 

I know that probably doesn't make working in a school sound appealing, but there's the discernment of whether you're called to work in this field, there's the discernment of when or how long you're called to work in this field, and then there are those special moments and the positive impact you can have on kids... so rewarding.

This year I have faced an insane number of ethical dilemmas. Should I speak up? Should I remain silent? What should I say? Did I say things I shouldn't? I am grateful and proud of many of my decisions. Others, I regret.

~*~

1. Sometimes the greatest sign of strength isn't putting up with abuse.  

Boundaries and self-care might mean a few broken hearts... and is 100% worth it. The best thing I've done for myself is take my needs seriously. Life only began going out of barely-coping mode after I said some difficult "no"s. The difference in quality of day to day life was transformational. I put up with 4 months of double stress where I was constantly on edge preparing for crises and 4 more months of major stress due to verbal abuse before actually taking my needs seriously enough (at this point my body was breaking down, telling me break me or take care of me; there's no other option). I want to put the needs of other first, but that cannot be at the stakes of my mental and physical health.

Boundary setting with kids. Boundary setting with staff. I have a long way to go in setting boundaries, but I have also made a lot of progress.

 ~*~

2. Staying true to your faith and values in a secular work environment is uncomfortable... and confusing.  

This one hasn't hit hard in previous school years, but in this school year (as Minnesotans would say) "oof." Discerning what this looks like can be very difficult and living this out can be just as difficult. This year this has looked like--where do I conform to people-please? When do I speak up or remain silent? How should I respond if things that go directly against my beliefs are being taught or forced on our children or staff (that has been a big one)?

This has also looked like: How much do I express my faith at work? What does that look like? Is there a difference between "not hiding" and yelling? Ought I or is it okay to (literally) wear my faith on my sleeve? How do I respond if a student asks me about my faith? Am I guilty if I don't express my faith?--the Catechism says it is not only recommended but our responsibility as Christians to be open about it and not hide it under a bushel basket. Am I guilty if I do express my faith? Should I only be doing it in actions? WHAT DOES EXPRESSING ONE'S FAITH LOOK LIKE? <-- Perhaps asking "am I guilty" isn't the right question here, but it's one that has hung over me this year.

When is going up against authority brave, and when is it rash? What is the difference between compassion and timidity? Between respect and sharing one's beliefs? We are encouraged to express various things about what we consider our "identity" at work, but religion is not one of them.

 ~*~

3. If you won't speak up, who will? 

This year has been a year of speaking up, and a lot of my pride and regrets have come from how I handled these instances. I have this thing where, if I see someone I care about getting hurt by something, I go into defense mode and go all out. 

This year that has looked like... 

- seeing students being pressured to say and conform to things that go against their religious beliefs? A meeting with the principal

- seeing a coworker cry and others being asked to wear an insane number of hats at once? A (perhaps overly) heated email to HR. 

- seeing bullying? A concerned email to all parties who may be in a place to respond.

- sexual harassment towards staff and students again... and again... and again...? Multiple emails and meetings with HR, etc.

-  a student threatening violence? Another concerned email to admin (necessary? idk... still weighing on my conscience)

The question is "is this my place?" and I don't always know (occasionally I do know). In these situations, I am often surprised when my coworkers don't say anything or if they seem astonished that I said something. I don't know if this is a sign that I am particularly brave or overbearing and rash??? I honestly think it's a mix (and tend to have a hard time telling the difference). 

 ~*~

4. You can't please everyone.

This realization is 'ouch' and at the same time so freeing. I am a MAJOR people-pleaser, and I would say the majority of the problems I've faced at work are due to some form of people-pleasing. This people-pleasing might look like not standing up for myself or my needs. This people-pleasing might look like feeling guilt... If not everyone likes me, I (still) assume there is a problem with me and that I need to fix this.

 The irony of being an outspoken people-pleaser.

  ~*~

5. Self-forgiveness is key in this profession.

Some of this probably sounds like parenting...

 

·     Forgiving myself for every time I was too hard on a kid.

·     Forgiving myself for every time I wasn't firm enough with a kid.

·     Forgiving myself for every time I spoke up.

·     Forgiving myself for every time I didn't speak up. 

·     Forgiving myself for every time I complained about things when other people were doing their best or when I had things so much better than others.

·     Forgiving myself for being imperfect.

I need to realize that my imperfections don't make me bad at my job--they make me human.

 

6. Don't try to be someone you're not. 

 "I am not good enough" or "I am being judged negatively" thoughts come into my head too often. A coworker recently told me that we can't all have the same approach and shouldn't try to be anyone else. I wish I had heard or caught on to that message sooner. I learned this one the hard way. 

 

I have a student who I have a very special relationship with and have been working with for over a year. A couple months into the year, I heard and witnessed a coworker of mine with a more firm and strict approach to working with my student. I instantly saw myself as weak and as not pushing my student to his full capabilities, so I changed my approach to copy the coworker's. 

 

Literally within the first week my student turned to me and said, "What's going on? You're not like this." My trying to impersonate the coworker resulted in many more power struggles, and my student began to talk about the "old" me and the new me. While, in this instance, I had viewed myself as "the weak one" who didn't push my kid hard enough, it seems the approach I took naturally was actually something this student needed.

The good news is that as I work with other students I can give myself grace for not being exactly like the next paraprofessional. Yes, I am learn skills from other paras and try to incorporate those into how I work with individual kids, but I don't need to change who I am.

~*~  

So I guess the truth is that this blog post shouldn't be called "Lessons Learned" but "Lessons Learning," because even in writing this I've made new realizations about how my mind works and because I am still struggling with pretty much all of these.

 

Every year working in a school becomes harder (hopefully that trend will end?) This post may seem more dense than my Lessons Learned posts of the past, but that's because this school year has been more dense. 

 

So here's to working in a school 2022-2023.

 

  __