Vulnerable on the internet? Yah; I know you've got to be careful with that stuff. But there's some stuff that I think God wants me to share with you: some personal experiences, some messages, so here it goes. Lord, help me write this.
I recently went on a trip to Denver with fellow Catholic peers and an amazing staff. We got to spend time in the streets with people who are struggling with homelessness, simply getting to know them and love them. But the most life-changing and challenging part of the trip was what accumulated throughout the week. I experienced God's love in various ways throughout the week: in the homeless, in adoration, in the people we visited and people who visited us.
(Ok. I'm physically shaking right now, because I'm getting to the emotional stuff, and my body kind of goes numb when I experience it.)
Anyhow, the week itself was amazing, but I would say the pivotal moment of the week happened for me at the retreat center we went to. I was already experiencing God's love in countless ways. How could I handle receiving any more love? Well, here's the part that broke me into a state of tears. When we got to the retreat center the girls excitedly checked out our room with the view. Ok. Amazing stuff. Hot shower. Hot tub. MOUNTAINS. We were so excited. When we went downstairs, we heard that some of the guys in our group might end up sleeping on the floor (which they had already been doing all week in solidarity with the homeless. We women slept on cots for the first half of the week). On the floor? Not ok. We tried to give them our room. They wouldn't accept the offer, wouldn't even consider it. They wanted us to have us. We're the women. They're the men. Women first.
This broke me down. I don't know what it was. I have a really hard time accepting chivalry from guys. It literally feels like the cells in my body are being killed, because I want so badly for men not to suffer and to know their worth and and... anyhow. What I ended up doing for the proceeding half hour was finding a private place to sob my heart out.
I hadn't cried all week. I'm not a crier. I don't know why. I've always thought I'm just not, but I think part of it's due to a resistance in me. I don't want to give in. I want to fend for myself. I want to take care of others, not have them take care of me.
Anyhow. I sobbed like never before. I looked at the mountain and asked, "WHY, GOD? WHY? WHY would you give this to me? You know I don't deserve this! WHY?! Why are these men so good to me?" (I guess I'm not entirely used to seeing and experiencing chivalry from men. I'm more used to putting up barriers of caution between myself and men so that they won't hurt me or those I love.)
I was also thinking, "What the heck is going on? Why is my whole body shaking? Why am I crying?" (I didn't want to stop crying, because for the first time I was releasing something that I never allow myself to release.) "Why do these acts of chivalry affect me so much? Why does the fact that the guys offered to sleep on the floor so that we could have bed touch me so deeply?" And then, as I looked at the mountain (amazing scenery), I suddenly realized that if THIS selfish act affected me so much how could I even GRASP the incredible love Jesus had for me in DYING FOR ME ON THE CROSS.
WHOA. Christ died for me, and (not that feelings are what it's all about, but) it rarely has a dramatic impact on how I feel, but through the men's act of chivalry Christ had managed to reach my heart and to break it open. Tearing hurts and being open and vulnerable to selfless love hurts even more.
Anyhow, as I stared at the mountains that God built to bring me joy, I could most DEFINITELY hear Him speaking to me. I don't mean some voice in the airwaves that went down my ear canal. I guess the best way I can describe it is that He spoke to my heart, and IT HURT. I can't describe how much it hurt and how good it felt at the same time. It hurt like nothing I had felt before and was like nothing I could possibly desire more. God's love hurts, because it is sooo good, so incomprehensible, and so undeserved. How was I (someone who always leans towards being pessimistic and self-depricating to avoid disappointment) supposed to accept this love? But I heard God's voice distinctly.
All throughout the week, we had been told, "Love until it hurts. Love until it hurts." For me this is ten billion times easier that doing what God was asking of me. God was telling me, "Let me love you until it hurts. Let me love you until it hurts." OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was the first time I had let down walls that I didn't know were up. I was painful and beautiful and... INDESCRIBABLE. I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept love. It just is. It physically hurts... which is why I am currently shaking and developing a headache just thinking about this experience and how blessed I am.
All week I had been praying, asking God to conform my will to His, to give me His peace and joy, to purify my heart, to help me to receive whatever it was He wanted to give me throughout the week. THIS was not what I expected. But I knew it was what He intended. It's what He wanted to give me. It's what He wanted me to RECEIVE. Ouch.
So that's my story in a nutshell. I'm still struggling with accepting love, but I know God's out there speaking it. I know He has amazing plans for my life. I know it will be painful in funny ways (He keeps tearing my heart open), but there is beauty in pain (as my good friend Reed would note). I wouldn't give this up for anything.
I've asked God to help me love as He loves: to love with HIS love. I'm nowhere near perfect. I am selfish on the daily. I mess up constantly. But God still gifts me with the beautiful experience and privilege of letting me share in His experience of loving (and, yes, of being loved).
God has something great in store. I encourage you to be vulnerable with Him. Disclaimer: It WILL be painful. Oh, it's so painful. The pain doesn't necessarily stop. But it's a beautiful pain - love. It takes over one's whole being. I thought, "Lord, if your love is an infinity of times greater than my love, how has it not killed you yet?" Then my mind went to the passion. I don't mean to say that Christ's love itself killed Him, but it did lead Him to the cross which He gladly accepted, because THIS LOVE IS OVERPOWERING.
It's the same love that drove Jesus to die on the cross for us. Losing us would have been a greater pain for Him. He loves us so much. God asked me to receive His love. This isn't what I was looking for, but He opened my heart to pray for His will and to pray to accept His will. It's all part of the journey. I challenge you to allow God to envelope yours. Ask Him to help you pray for and desire what He wants you to pray for and desire.
