New Year 2019

I would like to begin by reflecting on my 2018 New Years Resolutions. Feel free to skip ahead if you would rather go straight to my new goals:

1. Letting God love me.

I believe I'm becoming more at peace with needing to depend on others. I definitely don't beat myself up for this the way I used to. (In fact, I forgot I used to do this!) My feelings of guilt have lessened, and that is a blessing from God. I have learned to embrace that dependence can be a gift from God. I'm not saying I'm 100%, but the way I even think about these things is so different from how I did a year ago! Some of the most lovable people I know are among the most dependent.

2. Communication, self-care, self-regulation.

I've definitely taken steps to try to improve in this area. I think my inner voice is more accepting and less critical which is good. One of my biggest resolves in 2018 was to become more forward / a better self-advocate. This means speaking my mind and speaking up for myself in uncomfortable situations. I have certainly gotten better at this though by no means perfect. Being forward hasn't always resulted in the most desirable outcome in regard to some relationships, but I am proud of myself for standing up for myself (more) and not being (as) afraid to disagree with others. 

Self-care is still a struggle, but a lot of this has to do with finding remedies for conditions I am living with. I will talk more about proactively addressing these things later. When it comes to self-regulation, I have gained SO MANY skills thanks to my therapist who has walked me through addressing unhealthy thinking patterns so that I can pause, pinpoint, and address an unhealthy thinking pattern when it comes. I have grown SO MUCH in therapy! Regulating my body is still hard, but much of that is due to physical reactions. I will also talk more about this later.

3. Not simply giving into the "it's easier without people" mindset.

I've been very proactive in this area of my life in 2018, and it has been an interesting journey! I tried attending multiple young adult groups throughout the year. Some of these groups I felt were actually leading me farther from my faith and not closer. In August I finally found a group that I felt more at peace with. I liked the structure of the gatherings and a number of the topics discussed. God has even given me unexpected help through insights from fellow small group members.

2019

Last year I wrote, "Christ longs for me to experience my brokenness not so that I can wallow in self-anger or shame but so that I can experience the calming magnificence of His presence, His love for me, His gentleness, His patience, His LOVE."

This is powerful to reflect on at this current point my life. 2018 has certainly ended with a great deal of brokenness. I promised above that I would touch on self-care and self-regulation. These will remain two of my big goals in the year to come, but I would like to frame them in a new light.

As noted above, self-care and self-regulation have been hard because I am currently dealing with a lot of physical conditions that we have yet to figure out and get under control. Emotionally, wounds are being triggered and added to the tapestry of my life.

I ended 2018 seeing a doctor who was borderline abusive, and this has been very hard on me. Along with that (and partially due to that) symptoms I have dealt with in the past have skyrocketed: fluctuating body temperature, weakness and dizziness, breathing difficulties, panic attacks, anxiety attacks... you name it.

One of the hardest battles I am fighting right now is finding a physician who will take my symptoms seriously and not simply dismiss them with remarks such as "you look fine," "I think it's just your anxiety," "couldn't find anything," "you have GERD, so you should adjust your bed and avoid certain foods."

My therapist has encouraged me to, when a doctor says, "Well, the tests came back negative. It wasn't that," respond with, "Alright. What's next?" <-- a proactive question that won't take "Sorry. You're a mystery and we're done testing/looking. We can't help you" as an answer. 

I guess, as I look in on last year's goals, this could fall into the category of self-advocacy. The truth is that doctors will give up on you if you let them. They will shrug you off as if you're not important enough or valid enough to find answers for.

If the gastroenterologist won't help you, look for a different gastroenterologist or a different kind of doctor. If the psychiatrist won't continue to help you, look for a different psychiatrist of a different kind of doctor.

The key is: DON'T GIVE UP!!!

So this is my goal for 2019: not to simply take (a doctor's) "no" for an answer.

I don't want that to be my only goal. I want to have spiritual goals and things of that sort, but we all need to start from step one, and mine is getting a proper diagnosis and remedies. If I'm going to be up until 2 or 3AM for the rest of my life so be it, but I want to understand why. I want a certain level of control of my body back, and this could involve medications. (I want ones that are effective.) I want treatment that is effective. I don't want to be told to make simple life changes that I can't make until my physical symptoms are addressed. 

I want a plan for action to attack one piece of debilitation before the other. 

Would I like to steps even further forward in my life? Find a partner who will someday become my spouse? Raise a family of my own? Yes. But it's one step at a time. I think that's why God has asked me to wait on these things. There are so many unknowns where I want answers and solutions. 

If I'm not able to keep food in my stomach and maintain a healthy diet, how am I going to someday have a healthy pregnancy? If I'm staying up until the mid-morning hours dealing with panic attacks, how am I going to be able to be there for my spouse and kids?

It's one step at a time, so this is my plan of action for the new year: 

Trust in the Lord and don't give up!

Oh My Oh My, Moving Beyond The High School High

Every so often I go into an obsessive phase where I idolize high school. I was hesitant to use the world "idolize" at first, because it just shows how wrong this obsession is. (KEY WORD: Idol.) 

I went through a phase last summer that was pretty intense and just recently started to obsess over high school things again: wanting to know how people are doing, if I'm cool enough, if I'm on top of things, if I'm caught up in life. All that silliness. I told my counselor it's obviously a coping mechanism that I've digressed back to my high-school-obsessed phase, but I'm not yet sure what it is I'm avoiding.

Regardless, when this phase comes around I remember how much potential I had in high school. I remember how many people I managed to get along with from pretty much every crowd at school. I remember the highs I felt and my obsessiveness with boys and popularity and making other girls jealous. I especially remember that for TWO YEARS of my life I never went to the doctor with a high depression or anxiety diagnosis. 

Those are the things I remember. I've sort of got my blinders on, but it's sort of true that I really was that happy in high school. I felt empowered. Somehow I managed to do something that I have never been able to do without a struggle in other periods of my life --> I got up early looking forward to the morning ahead of me.

This is how I remember high school, and I crave to go to my high school reunion just less than half a decade from now still that girl that other girls envy, that guys think is cool, etc. etc. So on top of life and in everyone's good graces with lots of hugs and "OMG, how are you?!"s

I let myself go into this high -- this obsessive research and reaching-reaching-reaching for those affirmations -- because for the most part it feels good. It occupies my brain and keeps me from feeling that nothingness, sadness, aloneness...

~*~

But then I remember something, and this memory remarkably enough cheers me up. I remember that after I graduated high school rumors went around in the class after me. I remember learning about these rumors from a friend one day from my entirely separate world at college and laughing, because what else can you do? Laughing because people were dumb enough to still think I was in high school and to make gossip about me. Laughing that they thought they were so smart. Laughing that I was free and unaffected. Laughing that they didn't seem to know this. That I had gotten out too soon.

And then I realize... hah. Maybe this world I fantasize about really isn't that worth fighting to keep tabs on and impress. (I've known this all along, but the emotional acceptance of this freedom feels so good.)

Maybe I've forgotten what I got away from and the reason for some of the choices I made. I forgot why I defriended so many high schoolers. I forgot how shockingly upsetting some of the jokes and views that these people carry/carried are or were. Jokes about condoms? So over that. Fighting for the right to... kill? Oh right. That's why I drew the line when it came to choosing certain friend groups in high school! That's why I defriended certain people. Not that it was some valiant move on my part, but I realized that I had found something even better.

So, now that I've realized what a laugh so much of this stuff is and how forgetful and silly I sometimes can be... hopefully this will help me to let go of this silly idolization, because I see how much more fulfilling the life I live is now. 

Because life for Jesus is real life, and living life to impress these high school folks is fleeting to say the least. Not only is it fleeting, but it's silly to think I would be better staying in that world when I remember how rumors came after my graduation, or when I realize that things went beyond partying and immodesty to jokes about abortion or contraception or unmentionables (and they still do with some people), when I realize that people who looked so put together in high school are really just trying to find themselves now.

BREATH. Thank GOD I have a LIFE TO LIVE AFTER HIGH SCHOOL! A life with purpose. A life focused on Him. A life for more than the temporal. A calling that God has specially given me with my specific talents and struggles and strengths, experiences, insights... A calling yet to unfold. 

A life for prayer and Jesus... looking forward to someday entering into THE LIFE OF THE TRINITY.

What does it mean to "renounce the world" TWENY-FIRST CENTURY STYLE?

The more I read the book of Isaiah, the more God's call becomes clear in our day and age. He calls us to renounce the world in order to give God that place in our hearts, yet it is no much more popular today among Protestants and Catholics alike to try to simply "make room" for Him in our daily lives: to have wild parties and then go sing Praise and Worship songs. 

Instead of conforming our lives to the Lord, we try to fit Him in here and there.

But God doesn't call for the easy path: to a path where everyone around you will support you and like you. In order to enter into Christ's life, we are called to renounce the ways of the world. What does that mean in our day and age?

The more I read the Word of God and take classes that study the Catechism and Christ's call, the more clearly I hear this message:

1. Do not listen to or dance to immoral music.
This includes on your commute to work or when relaxing with friends at the end of the week or at wedding receptions.

There is a pretty strong chance that if you turn on 97.1 or 101.3 you will hear less than moral music. You will hear songs that use crude language, songs that objectify the other, songs that focus on pleasure and the self. God doesn't say to only renounce the ways of the world "when no one else is doing that stuff" or "when it doesn't feel awkward." 

So even if you're Praise and Worship friends are going out to a club or hosting a banger at their house after-the-fact... don't join in! And offer that sacrifice to the Lord.

If you're like me, that Ariana Grande song may be tempting. You may feel like a party pooper not dancing to Shakira at the wedding reception. You may feel a strong temptation to rock those moves to Apple Bottom Jeans or Shots, but think again. Is this bringing glory to God, or is it celebrating a world apart from Him and His ways?

2. Do not watch TV or films that involve rude humor, unnecessary levels of violence, or an immoral way of life.

Keep in mind that just because a show is incredibly popular doesn't mean it is good. When you watch a show, be attentive to where it is taking your thoughts. 

Are you taking pleasure in another person's misery? Are you objectifying certain characters?

Are the characters or show hosts/contestants living virtuous lives? What are they teaching you about their lifestyle?

What are the films messages about self-sacrifice, respectful relationships, the role of sex?

Be attentive to in-your-face ideas or forms of publicity. For example, the word "idol" in American Idol should be taken seriously, as God admonishes the idolizing of created things (whether people or objects) all throughout the Bible. If other shows promote this sort of show that is also a read flag, as both are celebrating a similar message.

Also keep in mind that a decent show can still take you away from God if it is consuming so much of your time and/or brain space that you don't have much time to give to God.

Some questions to ask yourself before turning of the TV or opening the computer are: 

Are you glorifying God by watching this show? Is God happily watching this show with you? How does your watching this show affect your relationship with God? Does it strengthen, weaken, or stagnate it?

3. Watch what, how much, and why you drink.
Among other things, God specially warns against unhealthy drinking in the Bible (Isaiah 5:22 etc). He doesn't say "don't drink at all"--think the Wedding Feast at Cana--but he calls us to be very conscious about how we approach things of this world: drinking included.

Some of the most import things to consider when partaking in alcoholic beverages are how much you are drinking and why you are drinking. Today common reasons for drinking are to fit in and be popular, to act rebelliously (as a means of showing off or to attract attention), and to numb feelings. This reasoning doesn't exclude circles of Protestants or Catholics.

When entering into a circle that promotes alcohol consumption, keep some of these questions in mind --> What role is alcohol playing in this environment? Is it leading to a crazy and chaotic atmosphere? Is it celebrating a rebel against authorities? Is it to show off and draw attention? Are people looked down on for not drinking? Is it simply to partake in one of God's simple pleasures without going overboard?

Keep in mind your surroundings when you chose to consume alcohol or hang out in an environment where alcohol is offered. Is their loud immoral music playing in the background? Are people dancing provocatively or making jokes out of each other? Or is the atmosphere calm and serene with conversations that involve proper use of the intellect and brings glory to God?

4. Avoid spending too much time on the internet with social media (and the like).

Question: Is it sinful to spend time on the internet? 

Answer: No; just as drinking in and of itself isn't bad. 

It's when we thoughtlessly waste too much time on the internet or when we use it for unhealthy purposes or catch it leading us into sin... this is where red flags show up.

Social media especially is prone to leading us into thoughts of comparison that God does not call us to. Social media provides temptations to show off and to try to "one up" other people. (I know, because I am guilty.)

Even on the occasions when we are not led into these temptations --when we do not feel the need to show off or compare ourself to others-- it can lead us to sins including sloth. Remember that a sin is something that interferes with our relationship with God. Personally, I can watch five hours of YouTube a day and not realize it until I look at the clock. (Even half an hour a day would be means for reevaluating use of one's time.)

I flock to my computer rather than to prayer when I am feeling overwhelmed with unhappy thoughts. I am looking for a distraction and this is exactly what social media provides me with. But in that distraction not only do 1) I avoid things that it could be helpful to address and 2) avoid spending time in the SILENCE that God calls me to hear His voice...

I also quickly get caught up in the life of the world. I start watching music videos or vlogs that promote false perfection, superficiality, and Hollywood life. I start to idolize people on the internet or strive to become more like them rather than more like God. I start to worry about how my friends or followers lives seem to be "moving along" so smoothly while mine feels so "stagnant."

Screen time does effect and can rewire parts of the brain. The more it takes on the role of filling every empty moment (rather than giving that time to Our Lord), the harder it becomes to even enter into quiet moments of meditation. It becomes hard to quiet one's mind when one wants to. After scrolling through a news feed for an hour or even ten minutes, it becomes harder for our brain to switch off the news feed even when we want to. Our brain is constantly talking and moving, and this leaves less room for God to do His work.

Let's take the time to turn off our computers for a considerable length of time or to delete these apps altogether. Our brains are much more open to authentic receptivity when we spend our time in conversation with friends or reading a book or going for a walk, etc. etc. Let's make sure to live in moderation and to "turn off" our social media is order to "turn on" God's voice.

So now that you've made more room for Jesus, what DO you fill this time with...?

There are a plethora of things you could do, but here are just a few ideas:

PRAY: There are so many ways to pray. One could journal in the Lord's presence, confide one's hopes and fears to the Lord, read Scripture, meditate on a mystery of Christ's life, pray the Rosary or Divine Mercy Chaplet, sit before the Blessed Sacrament, sing songs of Praise and Worship, write poetry to the Lord... Regardless of the form of prayer, this time brings glory to God and opens up space for God's grace to infiltrate our hearts and enter into our lives.

Go On Coffee Dates: Whether you grab coffee, go out for a meal, or go for a walk, spending time with friends is one of the most enriching ways to spend one's time. You get to embark on the journey of life together and share in each other's joys and sorrows. You can have deep conversations with friends whether those be about faith, work, your stage in life, hobbies, or other topics that are of interest. Catching up with and sharing your heart with a friend is always a great way to spend one's time.

Play An Instrument: Whether you having been playing since childhood or are just now picking up an instrument, playing music is a great way to enjoy one's time and to bring glory to God. Classical music can be especially calming for the brain, but there are a variety of fun genres to engage in whether you're playing Praise and Worship music, polkas, holiday songs, or modern-day songs that are not contrary to God's Will. You could even compose something of your own!

Read A Book: There are so many great books out there whether fiction of non-fiction! You could pick a top that interests you and do some research, or you could pick out a novel or adventure book. If you're having a hard time finding books to read look through the classics, browse your nearby library, or ask for recommendations for spiritual reading. As ever, focus on books that bring glory to God versus books that preach a message contrary to His word.

Adventure Outside: God created a beautiful universe, and He would do it all again even if it were just for you! Enjoy His creation whether that means going for a walk down the block or at a local park or planning a skiing and snowboarding adventure. Every day is a new day to experience God's love through His beautiful creation, and we bring Him glory by appreciating the amazing gifts He has given us in nature. 

Take A Class: Okay; it's not always the easiest thing to do economically, but learning alongside others can be a wonderful adventure. This could involve learning a new sport, picking up a new hobby, reading the Catechism. You could look for local classes in your community or programs through your Church. Bring glory to God through exercising your intellect! You could also bring together a book study or Bible study. You could take a class that will help to improve your performance at work or the class entirely un-work-related. If you have special skills to share with others, you might even get the opportunity to teach a class.

Volunteer: Volunteer opportunities are all over the place, and the hardest and most vital step is simply doing your research and reaching out or applying. Sometimes volunteer opportunities are simple. Perhaps you're helping out a neighbor in need. Perhaps your visiting people in nursing homes whether independently or with a group. Perhaps you're sharing your talents through a free performance somewhere. Perhaps you're helping to feed the hungry. Your spare time provides you with a GREAT opportunity to exercise the Corporal Works of Mercy.

Play With A Pet: Our furry friends (or scalely friends or whatever form of friends you have from the animal world) can provide us with so many moments of pure joy and affection. One of the first things God called man to was to look after His creatures, and thankfully he has made these creatures just so freaking adorable that the task can often be considered a pleasure. Whether it's your cat or dog or mouse or lizard, you can find great enjoyment and fulfillment in spending time with your pets whether that be watching them, cuddling with them, or playing games with them. I guarantee you will feel more fulfillment after an hour with your pet than after an hour on social media.

Lastly, I encourage you to find friends who share these values (which is no easy task) or to perhaps invite your friends who don't necessarily share these values to do these things with you. What a great way to help others to develop healthy lifestyle and to live a life that prepares you for Heaven and gives glory to God!

No one is going to live these values out perfectly, but it is a wonderful thing when you meet someone who actually STRIVES too live them out, someone who confesses to Christ's call being so radical, someone who doesn't try to make excuses or look for times to "turn off" their conscience. 

There may be few people out there who share these values, but don't make that a reason for you to cave and sweep these values under the rug as well. The revival of God's true call must start with the example of one person. Lead by example as a true light of God's Word.

RENEWAL: Year of Spiritual Health, 2018-2019

When I say "Year of Spiritual Health," I naturally don't mean that I'm going to work on this stuff for one year and then just stop and abandon it. Spiritual Health is a constant work-in-progress and is the MOST important part of the human person. There is nothing of greater importance in life than to work on our Spiritual Health. 

A Reflection On 2017-2018 (My Year of Self-Care)

Post college, I think it's so important to have things we are working towards / things we are dedicated to. I'm one year out of college, and I think it's funny how all throughout college we see each year as a progression is stages -- freshman year, sophomore year, junior year, senior year -- and after college it's simply "LIFE."

I don't know about you, but after college I want to keep growing. This doesn't necessarily mean going back for Grad School, although it could mean this. In general, it means putting each year in perspective. For me, this involves focusing on improving one aspect of my life significantly each year.

This past year, 2017-2018, I designated my "Year of Self-Care," and WOW! have I grown as a person. It took a few reminders along the way. Last summer started off well, but I began to get so lost in work and just surviving that it took a reminder from a friend in early September to get me back on track. 

My friend reminded me the importance of self-care: the importance of hanging on by more than a thread. Hanging on is good, but if you're at this point then something needs to change. 

The first few weeks out of college, I was so focused on how I was going to dedicate myself to self-care (to bettering my emotional, mental, spiritual health, etc. -- ultimately my overall functionality) in the upcoming year. A month in, I completely forgot about this vision. When I was reminded of it, things began to change SO MUCH for the better. It was just little steps here in there, but the intentionality and taking all of those "baby steps" was key. 

There wasn't an exact plan of action. While I am a checklist person, living my life on a checklist isn't the plan. My first change was taking the people who were telling me I was overworking myself seriously. I realized that I wasn't going to grow as a person if my stress levels were so high I was just barely able to face each day.

Step one, I changed jobs. I had already applied for a second job to try to get SOME consistency into my schedule. I was still working night shifts, but these shifts were far less stressful for me than daytime shifts. A friend I respect called my attention to the fact that I was not taking proper care of myself. We stopped in adorable, and, for lack of a better explanation, I felt God calling me to a life of sanity. 

My pride was what had been standing in the way. I didn't want to be someone who quit my first job just months out of college and job-hopped. I wanted my application to "look good" (something I still worry about more than I should).

But, just as the license plate [PAX] had told me on New Years Eve, God wanted to give me peace. After talking to my friend and stopping by Adoration, where I experienced God's calming presence for the first time in quite a while, I returned home and sent in a letter of resignation before I changed my mind. 

I finished up my last month of work doing two jobs, then switched over to my easier 12-20 hours-per-week job. I decided not to care as much how I looked. I knew that starting at 12 hours-per-week was all I would be able to manage if I wanted to TRULY work on my mental and overall health.

So progress finally began in September. Come November, I switched therapists because I just didn't feel the kind of connection I wanted with my first therapist and knew the importance of that. BIG CHANGES began to happy in LITTLE WAYS. It wasn't like we were recording my progress each week. It just happened.

We started out by identifying some ways in which we would know if we were making progress. These were sort of like "benchmark" goals. I wasn't coming in with one thing to solve but many, and the evident but flexible structure helped. 

Each week I come in with personal problems I was dealing with that week. Everything was interwoven in some way. We talked about unhealthy relationships and the way these had and were still affecting me today. We talked about past and present and were hopeful for the future. 

My therapist's uplifting presence helped me get through each week, as each week I came in with a new crisis. We addressed situations and talked about assumptions and outlooks on life. We discussed books and resources that were helping me along the journey of self-discovery. We talked about diagnoses and their purpose: the pros and cons. 

As things progressed, my therapist was able to help me identify unhealthy thinking patterns. I learned to stand up for myself. We not only talked about failures but also successes. My therapist helped me to see myself for who I really am and not as many people have taught me to throughout the years. I learned that I am strong, that I am determined, that I can overcome, and that I have so many unique characteristics and skills to celebrate and hone.

I started to like, accept, and learn about myself. And throughout this I worked on other life changes. I saw an Allergist who more than verified my having real allergies to MANY things. I started seeing a Speech Pathologist who also validated that my difficulty breathing is NOT just in my imagination. I scheduled to see a nutritionist. I learned about boundaries and their importance, and I began to set them in various relationships.

Come mid-spring, I was able to increase my work hours to 20-hours-per week and still live a healthy and manageable life. In fact, I felt happier having this safe place to go each afternoon. By this summer, the impossible happened. I began to feel ready to take on a full-time job.

2018-2019

Throughout all this, I have only seen one thing lacking. Last summer I had an AMAZING experience in my relationship with the Lord: an experience that changed my life. For the first time ever I FELL IN LOVE with Jesus. 

Yet, come late spring of this year, I put down my spiritual readings. I started to get so comfortable with life -- being less lost in my thoughts, combating the unhealthy thinking patterns that had plagued me for years, working on a better diet and on maintaining friendship and becoming involved in social groups -- I got so comfortable that the spiritual realm felt sensitive and almost... dangerous? to my equilibrium.

This summer has had many similarities to previous summers (minus summer 2017). I haven't really been in tune with my faith. I've been basking in the sun, seeing friends when I can, and trying to enjoy and make the most of these sunshine months. I've started re-watching old TV shows I used to watch in high school. I've only been to Adoration maybe twice. 

I realized beginning of July that I hadn't been to Reconciliation in THREE MONTHS, and I felt sooo dirty and unfocused. I'm just now starting to refocus. My months off of YouTube and minimalizing Facebook usage helped; however, while it was good to take these things out, the replacements are still lacking. I find myself time and again doing things that I just don't feel good about (even in the moment). Things like dancing to bad music. Things like doing what I can to avoid or postpone prayer time. 

Earlier this summer, I got so caught up in myself. I started getting my film life running again. Not only did I go nilly-willy over starting/maintaining/perfecting a YouTube channel (which brought out a yucky side of me), but I also started to look for film projects. This in itself wasn't bad, but my obsession with myself and my image / pleasure and blah blah blah... was yuck. Thank God I've abandoned that stuff for now. (If these things play a prudent role in my life later on, that will be different, but for now they're not having a good effect on me.)

Detaching from social media was a good first step. Now starting to read more wholesome books and Spiritual readings should help. I applied to start a two-year-long study of the Catechism of the Catholic Church next year. I also dropped a young adults group that wasn't working for me and starting trying out other ones that I hope to become more involved in.

Things are looking up, but of key importance here is intentionality. I need to learn to say no to certain things and accept the discomfort that comes with it -- whether that be dancing to certain songs or spending so much time in front of the screen, etc. 

I also need to actively take part in my Spiritual life, to surround myself with people who help me grow in my faith and share these same interests and values, and to rededicate myself to REGULAR PRAYER throughout the day (on a daily basis) -- not just a morning prayer and before meals.

Sure, lots of things may be moving in a better direction in regard to my mental, emotional, and physical health, but without Jesus at the CORE of my life (without Jesus involved in EVERY decision I make and EVERYwhere I go) I will never be content and this will all be pointless.

I'm here to live my life through and for Christ. This won't be perfectly easy. Discomfort will come. I WILL make mistakes ABSOLUTELY. But the important part is to acknowledge them, to stop continuing to do acts that I regret even in-the-moment, and to reschedule and re-prioritize my life so that Christ Is #1. 

Because He is my Maker, my Purpose, and my Lover, and there is no choice I want to make without Him at the center of it.

Is Your Pride Getting In The Way Of Your Calling? [Quarter Life Crisis]

I know I'm not alone, so I suppose that should be a comfort to me. Sooo many of my friends who are my age or just a year of two older or younger are going through this same job crisis.

We've been in positions for maybe just under or over a year (a max of two years), and we're just feeling unsatisfied.

Me, I have a fear of being a job-hopper! I don't want to be one of those people, because I think it looks bad on resumes if most of the positions you've been in were just for under or over a year.

Hopefully people will give me a bit more slack when they consider that 

(1) my last 10 jobs were throughout my college years so never serious, 

(2) I'm young, and 

(3) I'm still figuring out what I want to do with my life.

Still, it is hard when you either don't have an idea of where you want to go or you have such a precise idea that it limits your options.

I recently applied for what I considered to be my "dream job." I tried not to get excited about it, because I knew I was under qualified --> the whole "you need experience to get the job, you need to the job to get experience."

The three aspects of the job I was most excited about were: 

(1) It was an introvert job performing a HOBBY of mine (aka, data entry).

(2) It was for an organization whose values aligned with mine 100%.

(3) There was an ADORATION CHAPEL next door to the office I would have been in.

So it kind of came as a hard fall when I didn't get the job, because how often do you find a job with ALL of these aspects applying to it???

My current job crisis revolves around a few things, but the main thing is that I feel unsupported in my faith. I want to work at a place where I feel supported... a place that helps me to grow as a Catholic person. I'm someone who is too worried about offending people to stand up for my faith much at work. I'm too much of a chameleon, and while that is sometimes a blessing it is also a curse. It means that the people around me influence my behavior A LOT. Whether or not they change what I believe, they change how I act, and sooner or later they change what my focus is in life.

~*~

So here I am at my Quarter Life Crisis, and the question is:

How do I find a job that I passionate about that supports my faith life a lot?

I haven't found another introvert, data-entry job with a built-in adoration chapel yet. That said, I need(?) something that allows me to go to work (1) not dreading human interaction and (2) feeling super supported in my faith life. Where do the two meet?

Beats me. A few job leads I have been looking into recently are at a home for retired priests or as a nanny. I guess one of my concerns is that (1) the first of those two jobs is only part-time and hardly pays better than my current job and (2) I would like a position I could stay in longer-term but I will need health insurance coverage in two years.

So this is what has been on my mind lately. P.S. I am currently spending more than I am making and am not even paying my own insurance, utilities, or rent! :P

~*~

I went to Mass after reconciliation today, and the Lord spoke to me more directly than I could have imagined, because here is what I read in today's Magnificat:

Meditation of the Day: Following In Trust

~ By SISTER WENDY BECKETT ~

"Total trust in God is the only true foundation for you--we can't afford to live at peace while we inwardly believe all depends on us, and that we hold God's love on the fragile basis of our virtue. But when we trust his never-failing concern for us, his steady unfaltering love and determination to give himself, no matter how weak we are: then we can rest contentedly on his broad fatherly shoulders. And our proof of our trust in him must be a resolution to trust our sisters. Not the way we trust him, because all human beings are so limited, but a trust in their essential goodness, that they want him as as much, perhaps more than we do...and that we all meet peacefully in that longing.

I am sure his loving heart is pleased with your efforts, and he doesn't even notice your inevitable failures. He just says, gently, love me all the more for the falls and I will do my will in you.

Trust means that we (at least!) expect fairness! And God could never make demands that we couldn't meet, could he? All worries about backsliding are just "self." He always asks us to live in peace, in "largeness." If we fall, we simply look at him and go on. We never fret or feel strained. Better for him that we give "less" in peace than "more" in strain because he is only present in the peaceful heart. Be brave...never give into these lowering fears. And remember that trust is a virtue that has to be struggled and prayed for. The reason why he lets you feel as you do is precisely so you can struggle--and receive in his sweet time." 

My self-question as I consider open positions: 

"Is Your Pride Getting In The Way Of Your Calling?" 

Friendship and Virtue

They say who you hang out with is who you'll become. I'm not sure they're entirely wrong. Without going into detail, I will note that lately the struggle has been real regarding friendship and virtue in my life. By friendship and virtue I mean how the friendships/relationships in my life affect how I relate to and live out my faith life.

I was trying to think of how to write a good blog post about this. I don't want to go into detail for the sake of other people's privacy. But I do want to touch in the matter, because lately I have felt very drawn to friendships that are not so based in virtue. I know this, because although while I hang out with certain people in my life I feel a high, after I hang out with them I feel some guilt and have a harder time reading Scripture because I feel like I am going against my own moral compass and against God's commands. In regard to these relationships, I know I have a fair amount of selfish, pleasure-seeking motives.

AND I have a hard time saying no to these relationships because they have brought so much thrill-like joy into my life, have made me feel wanted, and have helped me to avoid bouts of anxiety and depression.

The way I am going to structure this post is by asking myself (and readers) some questions that can help me determine how virtuous relationships in my life actually are:

(I know for sure I have many virtuous friendships, but I also have some that definitely are not.)

 

(Photograph courtesy Global Young Voices via google images)

EXAMINE...

THE BASIS OF YOUR FRIENDSHIP

~~What do you guys talk about when you hang out? 

~~What activities do you participate in?

~~Do you view your friend(s) as objects?

~~Is there a seductive or pleasure-seeking nature in your relationship on either end?

~~What is your reason for being drawn to these people? 

------------Does it make you feel "cool" to hang out with them? 

------------Do you like the way it makes you appear in the eyes of others?

------------Does it remind you of past relationships? 

(Reflect on how those relationships affected your faith life / life of virtue.)

HOW YOUR FRIENDSHIP AFFECTS YOUR FAITH LIFE

~~Do you ever pray together or reflect on aspects of the faith together?

~~After you hang out with your friend(s) do you feel at peace with God or carry a guilty conscience? 

(Ways to test this can include praying or reading Scripture before or after you hang out or listening to Christian music.)

------------If you feel guilt, what is at the core of this? Your thoughts? Your actions? Both?

THE IMPACT YOUR FRIENDSHIP HAS ON YOUR/THE-OTHER-PERSON'S VIRTUE

~~Do you actively try to help each other become more virtuous people / to strength each other in God's love?

~~Are you (AND your friend) comfortable speaking up with maturity if you or the other person performs as action--perhaps says something--less than virtuous?

~~Is the language and humor you both use in conversations clean?
~~Do you spend your time together talking about people or things? 
~~Especially if you are talking about other people, is it in in a positive or negative light?

An Un-Famous Blessing

When I was 13, 14, even 15, I can tell you that of all things one of the things I wanted most was to be a famous actress or singer. I think especially at that age we are prone to wanting attention, to wanting to feel appreciated, etc. etc.

I think people who strive to be famous are not really aware or don't really take seriously the fact that over 50% of the publicity they get will probably be negative publicity. I didn't, at least. You don't just have a million more cheerleaders in life. There's a lot that goes with it.

Today, I can tell you that fame is certainly something I do NOT want. I would still like to do some acting as a hobby, but I don't ever want to be that big star constantly bombarded by the spotlight, and... lucky me :) People have to work so hard for fame and even these attain it so rarely, that it doesn't look like this is going to be an issue for me.

Taylor Swift has a song that I think is highly underrated and under talked-about called The Lucky One. While I've never heard an explanation for this song, it seems to pretty blatantly be pointing to the idea that it's those of us who aren't in the spotlight that are truly blessed.

So here is a by-all-means-not-exclusive list of

The Perks Of Not Being Famous

1. PRIVACY

For someone with anxiety like me, having to plan my life out not only according to what will bring me and my loved ones fulfillment but also keeping in mind the critics who will be analyzing me and tabloids that will be putting my story on the front page... that sounds like a nightmare!

I like having control over who knows what. For the most part, I can decide who knows about my personal life based on which friends I entrust this information to. Where do I live? Where do I work? Do I like my job? Am I good at it? Do I get along with my coworkers? Do I like anyone? Am I dating or in a relationship? Which friendships are most central to my life? What do I consider a fun outing?

I also have come to appreciate that even when I post something on Facebook or YouTube it tends to stay within a small crowd. I would rather post a video and only have a few dedicated friends decide to watch it than anticipate it having 22 million views and being all over the news the next morning.

While we live in a world that tries to blow up fame as this wonderful, blissful thing that we should all strive to attain, keep in mind the perks of obscurity. People talk about how fame makes you powerful, but in reality it takes AT LEAST as much power as it gives you when it comes to censorship of your personal life (and don't forget the gossip columns that make up stories that skew millions of people's opinion of you).

2. FREE, OBSCURE DAY-TO-DAY OUTINGS

Top-of-the-chart celebrities can rarely step out their door without having paparazzi on them. They can rarely go to the beach without having their body critiqued as if they are some sort of museum display.

I, for one, like to express different parts of my personality from day-to-day without having one day seriously affect the other. One day I might spend a quiet day at the park or reading a book. Another I might spend volunteering at a shelter. Another I might spend with my best friends doing crazy things like pretending I'm a dog in public. (Yup. It's true. We do these sorts of things: sticking our tongues out the window while we drive. We're weird.)

I like being able to do these helpful or ridiculous things without having the whole world watching me trying to either (1) test my humility by making me out to be some sort of saint or (2) claiming I must be drunk or super irresponsible because I wanted to be more childlike or silly for a day.

It's not that I want to be inconsistent or irresponsible, but I do want the freedom to express myself in more silly and creative ways at some times and in more serious and put-together ways at other times.

That said, AS HUMANS, we all do things we regret or feel embarrassed about from time to time. We all have different personas that we emphasize the most to different people or in different situations. We all have moments in our lives that we would really prefer others not see.

It's a blessing to be able to go out on the town or even to the grocery store super put together one day without everyone there remembering you as the girl who didn't even brush her hair yesterday.

Due to this (and even in scenarios where I don't regret something), there are many times when I am especially grateful for my freedom to embark on new adventures as...

3. FRESH STARTS!!!

This is honestly probably the one that means the most to me (tied with the anxiety-aspect of the first one).

First impressions. We only make them once which each person, but we make them with LOTS OF PEOPLE. If the things I strive for in life are changing or certain relationships are dwindling, etc. etc. I always have the opportunity to go out and meet new people who have no prior impression of me. It's so freeing!

As noted before, the people I run into on my outings today don't have to think of me as that girl who was falling to pieces yesterday. One of the greatest blessings I had in life was when I started at a new school. I had been a real outsider at my old school, but I had learned from the experience and at my new school was able to present myself as the dynamic, friendly, and verily-put-together girl I wanted to be.

Fresh starts can come in big or small ways. They can be as simple as simply taking the day to take a bubble bath and go out for tea after a stressful week. They can be as large as changing jobs, entering into a new relationship, moving, etc. Either way, it is so much simpler and less anxiety-inducing to do these things when the new people you cross paths with don't come with a tainted (for better or for worse) view of you and when you're not under the spotlight.

4. CERTAIN OPPORTUNITIES

This aspect goes both ways. People who are famous do have many opportunities or things they can more easily access that most people don't --whether that be specific roles they get to play in movies or on TV shows, homes they can afford, or trips they can afford to embark on.

However, those who are not famous can have a much easier time switching career paths or trying out a new job or area of interest. I know from looking into acting that many employers are hesitant to give a job to say, an actor, because they lack confidence that the actor won't just leave suddenly if he or she acquires a new gig. Or simply consider that, while most businesses have a discrimination-free policy, some may be more hesitant to hire someone who isn't in a positive position in the spotlight due to the repercussions of "affiliation." Again, some businesses would love the publicity! But it really does vary and can play a role for better or for worse in this area.

Also note that, if you do take on a new role, if you are someone particularly famous it is unlikely that people will approach you without a certain bias. They may never see you as a professional in your new role as much as a "once-famous _______ who ______."

5. AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS

I think this one gets touched on more by celebrities than some of the previously addressed points. We ALL have to question the motives of others in our lives. Why do they like us? Does a certain person like me for my looks or money or for a deeper reason? Does someone see me as a means-to-an-end or as the end itself? Is someone embarking in a relationship with me in hopes of bettering my life or entirely in a self-seeking fashion?

These questions are hard enough to answer in everyday life, but as someone famous it can be even harder to judge a person's motives. So many people see you as a means to an end. They may see being your "friend" as giving them a greater chance at getting a gig or becoming famous themselves. They may even want to meet you more-so for the sake of impressing their friends with the story than actually for the sake of meeting you. Etc. Etc.

It's a hard part of life to grapple with in general, but it can be even harder to grapple with when so many people see you as superhuman.

~*~

As noted before, this is by no means an all-inclusive list, but these are some of the biggest reasons I am grateful for my so-to-speak more obscure, normal, down-to-earth life. Because when it all comes down to it being just another face in the crowd can be a blessing, because we know that deep down we're more than that and we have the opportunity to show that to the special people who enter into our lives.

THIS IS EASTER

(Yes, Jack is imperfect. He has His baggage. He comes from a broken home. He has made bad decisions in His past as He deals with the struggles with life. This is because He is human. He isn't Christ Himself, but he is a pretty dang amazing example of Christ nonetheless and of striving to be like Christ.)

I can't be the first person to note and be blown away by how symbolic this episode is of the love of God the father and Christ's life, death, and resurrection! If you actually watch Season 2, Episode 14 the resemblance is UNCANNY!


 

Christ suffered and died to save us in the most selfless fashion, and he didn't only want to save us for a decent life. He wanted to save us for an incredible one: which is why he left us all these treasures pointing to life with Him.




Even the words of the actors in the Aftershow to this episode are so symbolic of the sacrificial love of God the Father for His family and His Spirit never leaving them behind.



Even just now as I was looking for pictures I typed in "Kevin at Tree" and realized the Jack and Our Lord both use a tree as the symbol: "This is where you find out you are going to be ok."

 

Photo cred: https://lifeteen.com/blog/see-you-in-the-eucharist-no-really/

The analogies and symbolism keep growing! More than HALF of this stuff didn't even hit me when I first watched the episode!

Until this episode I saw a resemblance of the love of God in Jack, but it wasn't until this episode that I was absolutely blown away by its symbolism. Whether the writers of This Is Us are Christian or had any intentionality of resembling the Christ story I don't know, but WOW! These stories transcend time and always come back to us because they are a part of us.

I think This Is Us is a beautiful way to renew the incredibleness of the story for Christians who have felt their faith life going dry. Sooner or later we get used to the Crucifixion and Resurrection story. Their incredibleness and the feelings of awe, gratitude, love, and so forth that we experience in first hearing these stories begin to go dry.

How beautiful that new stories can remind us of that love. They can allow us to feel what we forgot to see and give us an incarnate example of living in God's image in the twenty-first century. They can allow us to grasp the truth, often in ways that we can more directly relate to.

Hopefully you will have a chance to re-watch this episode (and show), as I hope to do. Maybe realizing the reality of the story and the great hope we have for someday being reunited with this loving Father (symbolic in Jack) will ease the pain and help you to embrace the story.

"How great the Father's love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give is only Son

To make a wretch His treasure."

-*-Selah

So hopefully I can leave you with this. All the love, all the truth, and all the feels. ;)

This is Jesus. This is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. This is God.

HAPPY EASTER!!!

An Answer In A Fallen World

(Alternative Title: What My Faith Is To Me)

Alcoholism, drug addictions, codependent relationships, abusive relationships, casual sex, one night stands... 

this is the spiral that our world has skyrocketed into in the 21st century most especially in first world countries. Patterns have developed. Now it is normal to participate in these things, and it is often considered ABNORMAL to not participate in them. In fact, the very idea that these things might "not be a good idea" (or to even go so far as to say "bad") is considered bigotry by many people.

To consider that an action might be bad is now considered by many people to be simultaneous with saying that the person performing the action is bad. Some people might just think I am playing with words here, but if you think deeply I hope you can philosophically realize that A does not automatically equate to B.

Somewhere along the way in our defensive world we have decided that it is insulting to adhere to and actually recommend following a set of directions. Democracy becomes equated to "you do you" and any "guidelines" laid out are viewed as a roadblock to a person's full self-actualization, development, and freedom rather than as a helping hand in reaching towards these things.

"Don't engage in casual sex" is not longer compared to "don't touch the hot stove" rather it is now equated to "I don't like that color on you, so change." In one of these instances the direction is given out of love because the person providing the directions knows something that the other person may not, and he or she wants to help that person to live in happiness, comfort, and safety instead of that person having to learn the lesson the hard way: through experience. In the other instance, a person has an opinion of not central or moral gravitational value that he or she wishes to impose on the other person.

A loving father doesn't watch his child touch the stove and then say, "Whelp, that's too bad." A loving father guides the child. A loving father tries to help the child learn lessons the easy way and develop into a healthy person with knowledge and understanding of healthy boundaries. 

Mistakes will happen. It's a part of life. However, I don't think many of us would consider it appropriate or right for a person with an important piece of knowledge (ex: the stove will burn you or you will be hit by a car if you race across the street or you will get a stomach ache if you eat the entire cake in one night) to withhold this information from someone else and simply state, "Meh, they'll figure it out eventually."

This is what I think today's secular society does not grasp. It turns guidelines and directions into jail bars instead of into a helping hand.

This is why so much of the world is even afraid to consider the possibility that there might be appropriate boundaries to set in regard to things such as sexual engagement, cohabitation, abortion and contraception, among other things.

Having guidelines (when they are for good reason) doesn't diminish our freedom! It expands our freedom by helping us to flourish by not touching the hot stove, by waiting for things to cool, by controlling impulses to engage in behaviors at the right times under the right circumstances. It helps us avoid ending up in the rut that certain missteps lead us to.

As noted before, missteps will happen. But let's do the best we can to help each other along the road. Providing advice. Explaining ourselves. Lamenting our errors. Providing forgiveness, healing, and helpful knowledge to the one who laments and to our brothers and sisters before they come to lament.

Which brings me to my title (An Answer In A Fallen World) and subtitle (What My Faith Means To Me)...

I'm speaking about truth here. I'm speaking about helpful knowledge and guidelines. And I believe those can be found in the Catholic Church. I believe this not only because I have been raised in a Catholic family but because I have asked questions and the answers the Church has provided have made sense.

I believe that just as the man and woman came before a child, a loving Creator came before the man and the woman. And as a loving and all-knowing parent He provided us with a set of guidelines for us to live our lives to attain happiness. While this happiness does not mean living without pain, His guidelines will lead us on a path where we are likely to avoid much unnecessary pain. 

From there I hope and believe that if we follow these guidelines we will grow in closeness to the One who Created us and will ultimately get to spend eternity with our Creator in the Heavenly realm once He has purged us of our erroneous ways. Then we may live in perfect peace and joy with Him.

So am I saying that the you become Catholic and "Whalla! All your problems are solved!"? No. As I noted, there will be pain, but that pain will be put towards growth and life will have meaning.

The words "answer" and "simple solution" are not simultaneous. As long as sin is in the world, we are going to experience pain. We are going to make mistakes. We are going to be tempted. We are going to be hurt. But the greatest answer we can set our hearts on is having something to HOPE in...

And in a world where people fell so hopeless, confused, lost, unloved, and desperate, that HOPE is sure something we need!

In summary, this is why I do not consider Catholicism to be bigotry. Because I believe as Catholics we are part of a family under the protection and guidance of the Church and that God is Our Father who knows all things and hands down knowledge and guidelines to His children out of LOVE with Mother Church at His side.

This is why I consider Catholicism to be attractive and joy-filled and consider it key to my living a happy and fulfilling life.

For specifics on why Catholics believe and teach certain things: ASK! Ask a Catholic friend, a parish priest, etc. etc. If they do not have the answers, you can search for them together and find someone who does.