Loe and behold, the New Year arrives, and people are asking about resolutions. It's often hard to summarize my resolutions for people. For one thing, my resolutions aren't a one-time-event like "travel to _____" or "buy a ____" or even "run a marathon." My resolutions are more branched out and long term. They are really continuous processes that I will be going through: things that I will be especially intentionally working on this year.
So yes, I have resolutions. Not necessarily measurable resolutions (though to a certain extent yes), but they are resolutions I will known I am progressing in, in my heart. I have narrowed down my resolutions into three categories (that do overlap).
Too many resolutions takes away from the very point of my resolutions:
calmness, quiet, joy, peace with the Lord
1. Letting God love me.
I remember starting 2017 with the moving-to-tears experience of leaving Mass with the license plate PAX in front of me. From thereon, I knew God was calling me to peace in 2017. He was telling me that He wanted to give me peace. At the end of the school year, I had another experience that moved me to tears (I'm someone who rarely cries unless out of frustration) when I witnessed God showing His love to me through the selfless actions of others in my life. It was then that I specifically heard Him begging me, "Let me love you."
I didn't realize until 2017 how resistant to love I am. It may not seem like I am in that I let my mom do my laundry all the time, etc. etc. And yet, I am someone who carries SO MUCH guilt with me and who experiences so much self-anger when I see how much I depend on others serving me (whether necessary or unnecessarily) in my life. It's that call to humility. To let Christ wash my feet.
The thing is: God doesn't want me to be hating myself while He is washing my feet. He doesn't want me to be shaming myself or beating myself up for not being my own savior. And He is actually hurt when I turn my back to acknowledging the help I need or to accepting His help with gratitude and joy. Christ is touched when I let Him wash my feet. Perhaps He washes my feet in His tears of joy. Christ longs for me to experience my brokenness not so that I can wallow in self-anger or shame but so that I can experience the calming magnificence of His presence, His love for me, His gentleness, His patience, His LOVE.
2. Communication, self-care, self-regulation.
I won't get into the itty-gritties here, because this stuff gets personal, but I want to work on the way I relate to others. I want to learn to communicate with people in my life who I have a harder time communicating with. I want to find healthy ways to express my emotions and to address the past. I want to learn to regulate and respond to stress in my body. I want to learn how to treat others well without feeling like I'm abusing or neglecting myself. I want to address my physical, mental, and emotional needs to be a more well-rounded person.
3. Not simply giving into the "it's easier without people" mindset.
God calls us to love one another and live in relationship. I have always been more on the quiet side, but I find that lately I have been becoming more and more noticeably withdrawn. The thing is, I'm comfortable this way.
Side tangent: Some of my quiet nature is certainly a gift. One of the reasons I have become more and more quiet is that I realize I am putting so much unnecessary effort into saying things to build up my image in the eyes of others. By this I mean that I will say things I don't really want to say just so that others don't have to put up with the awkwardness of my silence and so that they like being around me. Yet, in doing so, I often complain about things that I don't really see as a problem (for the sake of being agreeable) or I make a borderline inappropriate joke (because that's what people like to laugh at these days) or I'll gossip about people (just because I know people are used to these types of conversations and they put them at ease). A big part of my increasing quietness is that I've been realizing and asking myself, "Why do I put myself outside of my comfort zone and put pressure on myself to say things that aren't truly necessary or pleasing to the Lord?" Another reason for my increasing openness to my quiet nature is that, because I've been dealing with a lot of tension in my body, I'm trying to learn to relax and just be myself, and I don't put as much pressure on myself to socialize...
And YET, all these things stated, I need to be careful that I don't become so complacent in my desire to be natural and comfortable lifestyle and so caught up in my desire for comfort that I miss times when God is calling me to reach out and love.
[This doesn't mean I have to push myself towards my breaking point, but I do want to make sure I'm engaging in and cultivating healthy relationships. I would like to have a small yet supportive community to connect with at this time in adulthood: individuals and small groups. ]
Virtue is balance. Lord, teach me to love myself and to love others. Show me how you call me to love, and help me to give you my Fiat.
