When I say "Year of Spiritual Health," I naturally don't mean that I'm going to work on this stuff for one year and then just stop and abandon it. Spiritual Health is a constant work-in-progress and is the MOST important part of the human person. There is nothing of greater importance in life than to work on our Spiritual Health.
A Reflection On 2017-2018 (My Year of Self-Care)
Post college, I think it's so important to have things we are working towards / things we are dedicated to. I'm one year out of college, and I think it's funny how all throughout college we see each year as a progression is stages -- freshman year, sophomore year, junior year, senior year -- and after college it's simply "LIFE."
I don't know about you, but after college I want to keep growing. This doesn't necessarily mean going back for Grad School, although it could mean this. In general, it means putting each year in perspective. For me, this involves focusing on improving one aspect of my life significantly each year.
This past year, 2017-2018, I designated my "Year of Self-Care," and WOW! have I grown as a person. It took a few reminders along the way. Last summer started off well, but I began to get so lost in work and just surviving that it took a reminder from a friend in early September to get me back on track.
My friend reminded me the importance of self-care: the importance of hanging on by more than a thread. Hanging on is good, but if you're at this point then something needs to change.
The first few weeks out of college, I was so focused on how I was going to dedicate myself to self-care (to bettering my emotional, mental, spiritual health, etc. -- ultimately my overall functionality) in the upcoming year. A month in, I completely forgot about this vision. When I was reminded of it, things began to change SO MUCH for the better. It was just little steps here in there, but the intentionality and taking all of those "baby steps" was key.
There wasn't an exact plan of action. While I am a checklist person, living my life on a checklist isn't the plan. My first change was taking the people who were telling me I was overworking myself seriously. I realized that I wasn't going to grow as a person if my stress levels were so high I was just barely able to face each day.
Step one, I changed jobs. I had already applied for a second job to try to get SOME consistency into my schedule. I was still working night shifts, but these shifts were far less stressful for me than daytime shifts. A friend I respect called my attention to the fact that I was not taking proper care of myself. We stopped in adorable, and, for lack of a better explanation, I felt God calling me to a life of sanity.
My pride was what had been standing in the way. I didn't want to be someone who quit my first job just months out of college and job-hopped. I wanted my application to "look good" (something I still worry about more than I should).
But, just as the license plate [PAX] had told me on New Years Eve, God wanted to give me peace. After talking to my friend and stopping by Adoration, where I experienced God's calming presence for the first time in quite a while, I returned home and sent in a letter of resignation before I changed my mind.
I finished up my last month of work doing two jobs, then switched over to my easier 12-20 hours-per-week job. I decided not to care as much how I looked. I knew that starting at 12 hours-per-week was all I would be able to manage if I wanted to TRULY work on my mental and overall health.
So progress finally began in September. Come November, I switched therapists because I just didn't feel the kind of connection I wanted with my first therapist and knew the importance of that. BIG CHANGES began to happy in LITTLE WAYS. It wasn't like we were recording my progress each week. It just happened.
We started out by identifying some ways in which we would know if we were making progress. These were sort of like "benchmark" goals. I wasn't coming in with one thing to solve but many, and the evident but flexible structure helped.
Each week I come in with personal problems I was dealing with that week. Everything was interwoven in some way. We talked about unhealthy relationships and the way these had and were still affecting me today. We talked about past and present and were hopeful for the future.
My therapist's uplifting presence helped me get through each week, as each week I came in with a new crisis. We addressed situations and talked about assumptions and outlooks on life. We discussed books and resources that were helping me along the journey of self-discovery. We talked about diagnoses and their purpose: the pros and cons.
As things progressed, my therapist was able to help me identify unhealthy thinking patterns. I learned to stand up for myself. We not only talked about failures but also successes. My therapist helped me to see myself for who I really am and not as many people have taught me to throughout the years. I learned that I am strong, that I am determined, that I can overcome, and that I have so many unique characteristics and skills to celebrate and hone.
I started to like, accept, and learn about myself. And throughout this I worked on other life changes. I saw an Allergist who more than verified my having real allergies to MANY things. I started seeing a Speech Pathologist who also validated that my difficulty breathing is NOT just in my imagination. I scheduled to see a nutritionist. I learned about boundaries and their importance, and I began to set them in various relationships.
Come mid-spring, I was able to increase my work hours to 20-hours-per week and still live a healthy and manageable life. In fact, I felt happier having this safe place to go each afternoon. By this summer, the impossible happened. I began to feel ready to take on a full-time job.
2018-2019
Throughout all this, I have only seen one thing lacking. Last summer I had an AMAZING experience in my relationship with the Lord: an experience that changed my life. For the first time ever I FELL IN LOVE with Jesus.
Yet, come late spring of this year, I put down my spiritual readings. I started to get so comfortable with life -- being less lost in my thoughts, combating the unhealthy thinking patterns that had plagued me for years, working on a better diet and on maintaining friendship and becoming involved in social groups -- I got so comfortable that the spiritual realm felt sensitive and almost... dangerous? to my equilibrium.
This summer has had many similarities to previous summers (minus summer 2017). I haven't really been in tune with my faith. I've been basking in the sun, seeing friends when I can, and trying to enjoy and make the most of these sunshine months. I've started re-watching old TV shows I used to watch in high school. I've only been to Adoration maybe twice.
I realized beginning of July that I hadn't been to Reconciliation in THREE MONTHS, and I felt sooo dirty and unfocused. I'm just now starting to refocus. My months off of YouTube and minimalizing Facebook usage helped; however, while it was good to take these things out, the replacements are still lacking. I find myself time and again doing things that I just don't feel good about (even in the moment). Things like dancing to bad music. Things like doing what I can to avoid or postpone prayer time.
Earlier this summer, I got so caught up in myself. I started getting my film life running again. Not only did I go nilly-willy over starting/maintaining/perfecting a YouTube channel (which brought out a yucky side of me), but I also started to look for film projects. This in itself wasn't bad, but my obsession with myself and my image / pleasure and blah blah blah... was yuck. Thank God I've abandoned that stuff for now. (If these things play a prudent role in my life later on, that will be different, but for now they're not having a good effect on me.)
Detaching from social media was a good first step. Now starting to read more wholesome books and Spiritual readings should help. I applied to start a two-year-long study of the Catechism of the Catholic Church next year. I also dropped a young adults group that wasn't working for me and starting trying out other ones that I hope to become more involved in.
Things are looking up, but of key importance here is intentionality. I need to learn to say no to certain things and accept the discomfort that comes with it -- whether that be dancing to certain songs or spending so much time in front of the screen, etc.
I also need to actively take part in my Spiritual life, to surround myself with people who help me grow in my faith and share these same interests and values, and to rededicate myself to REGULAR PRAYER throughout the day (on a daily basis) -- not just a morning prayer and before meals.
Sure, lots of things may be moving in a better direction in regard to my mental, emotional, and physical health, but without Jesus at the CORE of my life (without Jesus involved in EVERY decision I make and EVERYwhere I go) I will never be content and this will all be pointless.
I'm here to live my life through and for Christ. This won't be perfectly easy. Discomfort will come. I WILL make mistakes ABSOLUTELY. But the important part is to acknowledge them, to stop continuing to do acts that I regret even in-the-moment, and to reschedule and re-prioritize my life so that Christ Is #1.
Because He is my Maker, my Purpose, and my Lover, and there is no choice I want to make without Him at the center of it.
