1. Letting God love me.
I believe I'm becoming more at peace with needing to depend on others. I definitely don't beat myself up for this the way I used to. (In fact, I forgot I used to do this!) My feelings of guilt have lessened, and that is a blessing from God. I have learned to embrace that dependence can be a gift from God. I'm not saying I'm 100%, but the way I even think about these things is so different from how I did a year ago! Some of the most lovable people I know are among the most dependent.
2. Communication, self-care, self-regulation.
I've definitely taken steps to try to improve in this area. I think my inner voice is more accepting and less critical which is good. One of my biggest resolves in 2018 was to become more forward / a better self-advocate. This means speaking my mind and speaking up for myself in uncomfortable situations. I have certainly gotten better at this though by no means perfect. Being forward hasn't always resulted in the most desirable outcome in regard to some relationships, but I am proud of myself for standing up for myself (more) and not being (as) afraid to disagree with others.
Self-care is still a struggle, but a lot of this has to do with finding remedies for conditions I am living with. I will talk more about proactively addressing these things later. When it comes to self-regulation, I have gained SO MANY skills thanks to my therapist who has walked me through addressing unhealthy thinking patterns so that I can pause, pinpoint, and address an unhealthy thinking pattern when it comes. I have grown SO MUCH in therapy! Regulating my body is still hard, but much of that is due to physical reactions. I will also talk more about this later.
3. Not simply giving into the "it's easier without people" mindset.
I've been very proactive in this area of my life in 2018, and it has been an interesting journey! I tried attending multiple young adult groups throughout the year. Some of these groups I felt were actually leading me farther from my faith and not closer. In August I finally found a group that I felt more at peace with. I liked the structure of the gatherings and a number of the topics discussed. God has even given me unexpected help through insights from fellow small group members.
2019
Last year I wrote, "Christ longs for me to experience my brokenness not so that I can wallow in self-anger or shame but so that I can experience the calming magnificence of His presence, His love for me, His gentleness, His patience, His LOVE."
This is powerful to reflect on at this current point my life. 2018 has certainly ended with a great deal of brokenness. I promised above that I would touch on self-care and self-regulation. These will remain two of my big goals in the year to come, but I would like to frame them in a new light.
As noted above, self-care and self-regulation have been hard because I am currently dealing with a lot of physical conditions that we have yet to figure out and get under control. Emotionally, wounds are being triggered and added to the tapestry of my life.
I ended 2018 seeing a doctor who was borderline abusive, and this has been very hard on me. Along with that (and partially due to that) symptoms I have dealt with in the past have skyrocketed: fluctuating body temperature, weakness and dizziness, breathing difficulties, panic attacks, anxiety attacks... you name it.
One of the hardest battles I am fighting right now is finding a physician who will take my symptoms seriously and not simply dismiss them with remarks such as "you look fine," "I think it's just your anxiety," "couldn't find anything," "you have GERD, so you should adjust your bed and avoid certain foods."
My therapist has encouraged me to, when a doctor says, "Well, the tests came back negative. It wasn't that," respond with, "Alright. What's next?" <-- a proactive question that won't take "Sorry. You're a mystery and we're done testing/looking. We can't help you" as an answer.
I guess, as I look in on last year's goals, this could fall into the category of self-advocacy. The truth is that doctors will give up on you if you let them. They will shrug you off as if you're not important enough or valid enough to find answers for.
If the gastroenterologist won't help you, look for a different gastroenterologist or a different kind of doctor. If the psychiatrist won't continue to help you, look for a different psychiatrist of a different kind of doctor.
The key is: DON'T GIVE UP!!!
So this is my goal for 2019: not to simply take (a doctor's) "no" for an answer.
I don't want that to be my only goal. I want to have spiritual goals and things of that sort, but we all need to start from step one, and mine is getting a proper diagnosis and remedies. If I'm going to be up until 2 or 3AM for the rest of my life so be it, but I want to understand why. I want a certain level of control of my body back, and this could involve medications. (I want ones that are effective.) I want treatment that is effective. I don't want to be told to make simple life changes that I can't make until my physical symptoms are addressed.
I want a plan for action to attack one piece of debilitation before the other.
Would I like to steps even further forward in my life? Find a partner who will someday become my spouse? Raise a family of my own? Yes. But it's one step at a time. I think that's why God has asked me to wait on these things. There are so many unknowns where I want answers and solutions.
If I'm not able to keep food in my stomach and maintain a healthy diet, how am I going to someday have a healthy pregnancy? If I'm staying up until the mid-morning hours dealing with panic attacks, how am I going to be able to be there for my spouse and kids?
It's one step at a time, so this is my plan of action for the new year:
Trust in the Lord and don't give up!
