4 Things I've Learned Growing Up In A Home With Domestic Abuse

 My hope is that the ladies who read this will be saved needing to learn these life lessons the hard way.

(P.S. Be aware that the male is not always the perpetrator in domestic abuse, but that does seem to be a common theme.)

1. It is ALWAYS a better idea to remain single than to SETTLE.

Now I'm not talking "He has red hair, and I always wanted to marry a blonde" type of settling. I'm talking character flaws. I'm talking about the guy who makes you feel uncomfortable whether or not you can pin down exactly why. I'm talking the guy who makes off-hand remarks that irk you. I'm talking about the guy who belittles you or tries to overpower you or discounts your feelings. I'm talking about the guy who boasts of being a good guy or who you can just tell thinks highly of himself. (FYI, there is a difference between a guy recognizing his self-worth or walking around with an ego. The first is very important to have. The latter is a big "no go.") 

I'm talking about the guy who always wants things his way or NEVER asks for your opinions. I'm talking about the guy who lashes out or talks down to you in a sarcastic tone...I mean EVER. I'm talking about the guy who guilts or belittles you or tries to talk smack about your family or friends. I'm talking about the guy who blames the world for all his problems. (I'm also talking about the guy who doesn't take initiative and show intentionality in getting to know you.)

Don't go for the guys who are constantly trying to shame anyone they disagree with on social media (or in person) or the guys who "joke" about their favorite scripture passage being the one about "wives submit to their husbands." (I rule I've put in place: Any jokes that are condescending towards a group or individual are to be taken seriously.)

Believe it or not, these are not unrealistic standards. 

(And I'm not saying that in a sarcastic tone--just to clarify)

TRUST ME, ladies! You are worth SO MUCH MORE! And it is soooo much more worthwhile and fulfilling to live a single life with self-respect and knowledge of one's worth than to enter into a relationship (worse yet, marriage) with this sort of person. I don't want you to learn this lesson the hard way.

2. Just because he's a nice guy on paper (or even in a social setting) does NOT necessarily mean he's a nice guy.

[Catholic girls, this applies to us and the people we date at least as much as everyone else!]

Now, there are really ARE men out there who communities and lots of people look up to that ARE solidly good men! I don't want you to think these men don't exist, because they do! BUT I also want you to know that there are plenty of guys who look all good on paper or even in a group social setting who are NOT that way behind closed doors. There are men who entire communities look up to as "so Christ-like" who at the same time go home and talk down to their wives and/or children. If we've learned anything from the sex abuse scandals that have come to light in the Church over the past couple of decades, we've learned that there are PLENTY of wolves that walk around in sheep's clothing. 

Make sure you really get to know a guy. Give it time. Don't rush things. Watch the way he treats and talks about others both in private and public settings (that includes how he treats and talks about you)! If something feels incongruent between what he says and does, there probably is something incongruent.

3. If a guy EVER de-validates your feelings, it's time for a "goodbye."

It's understandable that in any relationship one person can't straight-up read another person's mind. This is okay! But if when you bring up a need of yours or something that is important to you, you notice a pattern of his either guilting you, trying to convince you you're wrong, or simply brushing you aside and talking over you ("well I have always found...")... Honey, that's NOT okay, and that isn't something that's going away. If he asks questions, let them be out of compassion and a desire to understand you, not to change, guilt, or convince you you're wrong.

4. If a guy ever jokes about hurting you or hurting someone you love (whether physically or in another way), he does not respect you. This is an INSTANT red flag.

I feel like this stuff is more common that we realize. Especially with the commonality of this stuff in the media: degrading remarks being made at one person's expense for another person's amusement, etc. If a guy ever finds humor in the idea of disrespecting or hurting you (whether physically, emotionally, mentally, etc.), he is giving you an insight into his mind. 

Additionally, if a guy does or says anything to try to distance or turn you from your friends -- even if he says it in a joking fashion -- the same rules apply. Don't put up with this.

{P.S. Also take into consideration if you you notice his friends doing this a lot: making degrading remarks or enjoying degrading humor made at another person's expense. Why does he hang out with those sorts of people? What does this say about him? Likely answers are that he's internally on the same page as them or that he's got no backbone. Ask him about it or just say "no.")

~*~

So he has to be PERFECT???!!!

No, darling. He has to be a man of good character. 

The wait may be hard. You may or may not be called to a vocation with a man, but if you are I guarantee that if you maintain a close relationship with God and consult Him in all things, He will guide you there.

I ALSO guarantee you that there is a guy with all of the good qualities listed below with none of the red flags listed above waiting for you EVERY MORNING as you wake up to say, "Good morning, beautiful."

Gentle Jesus <3 <-- click on this link if you would like to hear a love song straight from the words of Our Lord.

~*~

How about we end on a positive note with some qualities TO look for in a guy :) ...

🕊️

Honesty/Congruency:

Does he tell the truth? Do his actions line up with his words? Is he trying to hide things that you have a right to know? Does the way he treats you in social situations match up with the way he treats you in private (and vice-versa)? Does the way he acts around you and around others align? 

Responsibility/Accountability: 

Takes responsibility for his own baggage and imperfections. Will admit to his mistakes and apologize without always needing to be called out all the time. Willingness to admit when he’s in the wrong and to actively try to do better (versus just saying he will)—whether that looks like getting help, etc.

 Humility: 

The above describes an aspect of this. Let’s add on—doesn’t walk around with an in-your-face ego or tooting his own horn. Will sacrifice things for you without calling attention to it or making you feel guilt or like you owe him for it. Is willing to accept constructive feedback and has mentors in his life. Doesn’t put himself above others.

Initiative: 

There is a difference between being controlling and having initiative. Taking initiative looks like putting proactive effort into getting to know you: initiating making plans, being up front about his intentions, etc.

 

Lots of Love, Sheila Ann

Is Television Bad??? And Why This Is Central In How I Hope To Raise My Children

Let's hop right in and get to the first question. Is Television Bad?

First-off, let's refocus the question: Is television in and of itself bad? The quick answer is no. Television is a mode of communication. Therefore, it can be used for good or for bad. This mode of communication in itself is not bad. (In our modern world there can even be benefit in having some level of skills and knowledge relating to the use in order to reach other people.)

The better question to be asking is: Can modern television do harm to us? And when is it doing harm, and when is it doing good?

Throughout our whole lives, and in a special way in our earliest years, the messages being communicated to us are going to make their imprint on our brains and psyches. And the messages that make their imprint on our brains and psyches can ultimately affect our souls. What our eyes, ears, and imaginations learn to focus on is what our hearts will focus on.

"For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be."  

(Matthew 6:21)

The psychological effects of what enters our brains and the way in which it enters into our brains are vast, but one thing I will say is that once a habit or mindset is built in it is incredibly difficult to get out of (sometimes even to see outside of). Thoughts and habits "take root" so-to-speak. We see this on the extreme end when it comes to addictions.

"With all vigilance guard your heart, for in it are the sources of life." 

(Proverbs 4:23) 

~ I highly encourage checking out this entire scripture passage! ~

I will note that most likely 99% (or more) of the messages being received on television are not of the Lord. Even most "milder" shows tend to include an excessive use of derogatory language, objectification, and focus on building up our fortune in "the kingdom of this world" rather than fixing our eyes on the Kingdom of God.

So is the answer that we simply have to make sure to find relatively innocent content and then any amount of television intake is safe and unharmful?

It may seem this way, and I'm not denying the fact that every now and then (probably more often than that) parents could use a diversion to keep their kids occupied while they take a self-care break. I'm not a parent, but I may one day be, and my understanding is that everything I have just said is an understatement that I may understand more and more as I go through life. (I'm not trying to portray having kids in a negative light but simply acknowledge that parenting is draining and we are not 24/7 demi-gods in any sort.) Anyhow...

Let's get to answering the question above. 

While an all-out ban on any form of television is probably not necessary in order to help your children grow in holiness, I do think not only what they watch but the amount of time they spend fixated on this medium matters greatly. Here's why.

We have to keep in mind that it is JUST AS IMPORTANT TO CONSIDER not only what content/voices/messages television is providing us with but what it is covering up.

In our day and age I would argue there is this thing called "information addiction." I argue this, because it is something I often struggle with and is an impediment to prayer (by this I mean time  specifically set aside to meditate on and communicate with our Lord) and maintaining a prayerful outlook on life (which ultimate can turn everything into a prayer).

In reading The Diary of St. Faustina, one of the verses I recently read that truly stuck out to me was when Christ spoke to St. Faustina about the kinds of souls that do and don't please Him. 

"The Lord gave me to know how displeased He is with a talkative soul. I find no rest in such a soul. The constant din tires Me, and in the midst of it the soul cannot discern My voice."

(from The Diary of St. Faustina, p. 387, paragraph 1008)

 

It was a good call-out for me too (Miss Social-Media-Frenzy). 

What we take in is what we put out (Matthew 15:17), so if our minds are (trained/wired to be) constantly racing and grasping for stimulation, constantly distracted (an experience I find myself caught in quite often), the Lord cannot reach us and touch our hearts in the way He wants to.

Then the LORD said: Go out and stand on the mountain before the LORD; the LORD will pass by. There was a strong and violent wind rending the mountains and crushing rocks before the LORD—but the LORD was not in the wind; after the wind, an earthquake—but the LORD was not in the earthquake; after the earthquake, fire-- but the Lord was no in the fire; after the fire a light silent sound. When he heard this, Elijah hid his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave.

(1 Kings 19:12)

According to the world of Pinterest, this quotation is from Joel Osteen.

Ah! Silence! It's beautiful and yet difficult for many of us to sit in (myself included)-- when our brains want to go run a marathon and Jesus is saying "Just come sit in My presence." 

It is honestly unreasonable to expect ourselves to be able to go from one to four hours of phone scrolling and TV watching and enter into a few minutes of silent prayer. Our brains are not physically WIRED to do this! That is why we need to build habits that will help us be more able to touch and commune with the Lord, to have our hearts of quiet and our ears on alert.

So there it is: 

Just tell our kids to sit around quietly in the chapel listening for Jesus' voice all day... 

JUST KIDDING! 😂 Kids are a BUNDLE of energy, but they also live in a world of awe where things that may seem small to adults (like a bird twittering in the tree or a squirrel playing chase) can latch on their attention and amaze them.

Kids can find God everywhere while being kids. (Of course, setting aside time specifically for prayer is very important, but throughout the day kids can learn to experience God's love in other ways as well.) Kids can find God in the creation of their "make believe" play, in their laughs and their giggles. They can learn to recognize and discern His voice and His special role in building up skills, in books, in reading, in dancing, in singing, in gymnastics, in sports... And, yes, from time to time they can even find Him speaking to them through television. :)

It's all about the lense through which they learn to see the world and answer questions like: Where is the world from? Who am I made for? Why do I long for love? etc. God communicates His love in SO MANY beautiful ways, and our job is to learn to recognize that.

God says to become like children, so we certainly don't want to be discouraging kids being kids. We just want to build on beautiful aspects of children and childhood: bringing in recognition of Love, of Gift, of standing up for what is right and respecting others as our brothers and sisters in Christ.

A few very IMPORTANT notes to make before I go:

By the way! Not watching television or not watching "much" television won't in and of itself make your children saints! Once again, what matters is not only what isn't entering into our children's minds but also what IS.

Also, this article isn't to pass judgment on parents who like to use watching television as a filler or incentive for their children. Very saintly people have come from families that watch television. This isn't all-or-nothing perfect cause-and-effect. I just think it's much easier to build up saints when we turn down the constant chatter that is modern day media in order to not drown out the One Voice that matters most. 

Instead we can teach our children to attune to their eyes/ears/mouth/nose in learning to pray, in experiencing God's kiss through nature, in seeing Christ in others, in humble submission to God's Will), etc. etc. -- First and formost guided by our own example.

It's not about pride. It's about intentionality.

For those who actually do decide to embark on the excursion of raising their children with limited television/technology interception, it is sooo important to remember that we (I say that as if I have kids... maybe someday haha) are not doing this to be BETTER than other families, to somehow be SUPERIOR to our neighbors or to that other family at Church that lets their kids watch hours of television a day. 

We are living this way simply as a means (something we hope will bear good fruit) in helping our children to become saints. We are simply trying to build habits in our kids that will set them up to be more in tune to hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit. 

That is all.

 

"Let all that you do be done with love."

(1 Corinthians 16:14)

COVID-19: AN OPPORTUNITY TO BRING GLORY TO GOD

Does anyone else feel like yelling at God "Make me a saint! Send me a cross! But this one's lame!" 

* Would anyone else rather be serving in a soup kitchen right now or visiting a nursing home... experiencing the satisfaction of serving people and accomplishing an external good?

* Would anyone else rather be at Mass right now, saying a prayer and receiving the Eucharist?

I don't think most people are too stoked about being shut up in their homes either by themselves or with their families (many with no work to do). 

I don't think most people are stoked about the most exciting outing they can go on right now being a trip to the grocery store.

But perhaps this is what God is calling you to.

When we picture doing the will of God in our lives, I highly doubt this is what most of us pictured it looking like. Perhaps we pictured going on a mission trip to Africa or leading some great movement... 

But that's just it: The most pleasing thing you can do for God right now, the greatest sacrifice you can give Him is accepting the daily bread He gives you and doing His will regardless of how boring, mundane, or pointless it feels. 

We tend to think the way to holiness is through some great act. (I think sometimes we may forget that the point of becoming a saint is not for our greater glory but for God's.) The fact is, the way to holiness is very simple. It consists in accepting the daily bread God has given you. It consists in offering every moment of your day as a prayer with Christ on the cross for the salvation of souls and for God's glory.

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I want to make a few suggestions for how we can become saints throughout COVID-19, and how we can make this a FRUITFUL time for the salvation of souls EACH DAY while putting on a smile on God's face:

-- When you wake up each morning, immediately say a prayer accepting God's will with all the trials you will experience that day (including moments/spans of sadness, boredom, loneliness, feelings of uselessness, irritations with household members, etc.)

-- A number of us have loads of extra time on our hands. While we may not find this a pleasant experience, we can accept even that as a cross and dedicate some of that time to prayer, reading scripture or books that help us grow, etc. I'm not saying become a Carmelite. I'm just saying commune with Our Lord for a while even if your prayer feels dry.**

-- Offer preparing your food as a prayer. Offer washing your dishes as a prayer. Offer doing your laundry as a prayer... ALL THOSE MUNDANE TASKS, if we turn them each into a prayer, can bring SO MUCH GLORY to God!!!

May SO MUCH GLORY be brought to God throughout COVID-19 and so many souls be saved! 

The world can come out of this a better place through little offerings every day!

** If you find yourself binging on YouTube or Netflix or whatever that may be a coping mechanism for you that's okay. But if you find spending your time this way is only adding to your feelings of restlessness or irritability, take a step back and consider using some of that time doing something that brings you peace like spending time in prayer or reading the scriptures / holy books.

Blessings From Raindrops: Finding The Good Amidst COVID-19

I would like to start off by saying that this post is not in any WAY, SHAPE, or FORM meant to devalidate the stress people are undergoing or the feelings of grief, sadness, or hopelessness people may be experiencing. First and foremost, I want you to know that it's ok to cry. Yet, at the same time...

In a time when many people are feeling hopeless, I think it is important to not lose sight of the fact that God can bring GREAT THINGS from dire or SEEMINGLY HOPELESS circumstances.

"God causes all things to work together for His glory." 

(Rom. 8:28)

Here are some beautiful things we can appreciate right away in the midst of the coronavirus:

1. Increased Appreciation For Things We Have

Many of us have been living in a world where it is easy to take things for granted: food, employment, housing, running water, high-quality medical care, transportation, even social interaction. In this time of unrest, many people are losing these things. 

I picked up a habit last Fall (which I have been negligent in recently) called Gratitude Journaling. One way to do this is to grab a notebook and make two rows of letters starting from A and ending with Z. Next to each letter list something (or things) starting with that letter that you are grateful for in your life.

This method can work well for a Type A personality, but feel free to give your journal as much or as little structure as you would like. 

Regardless of whether you pick up this habit or a similar habit...

I have a feeling that many of us are NOT going to take things for granted the way we used to. Employment? Restaurants? A plethora of food choices? Social interaction? 

Many people are going to be hit harder than others. As new struggles are faced and sacrifices are made, let's not take for granted the blessings we do have or the good that is still in the world.

2. Creative, Random Acts Of Kindness / Works Of Mercy

As noted above, many people are going to be hit harder than others. In the midst of these new struggles come many new opportunities to practice the works of mercy.

Sure, we may have to get creative. I don't think gathering hundreds of people into a soup kitchen is going be the most popular method at the moment,

but we can find other ways to reach people whether that be:

1. buying supplies for someone 

2. providing childcare for someone while they look for a job

3. reaching out to someone you know is socially isolated with a phone call or a similar method of communication

etc.

... The options far building connection are pretty much limitless in the twenty first century.

3. An Increase In Worldwide Prayer

Different parts of the world are doing different things in response to the coronavirus outbreak. One thing I have found many groups of people doing is uniting (not physically) in prayer for all the people whose lives are being negatively affected by the coronavirus outbreak. 

This doesn't mean simply praying for those who are ill. This means praying for those who have lost a job and are struggling to pay their bills, those who have lost childcare but still need to go to work everyday to provide for their families, elderly people whose social contact with the outside world is becoming all-the-more-drastically limited, kids who are falling behind in school or who don't know what to expect as they approach much-anticipated events such as proms and graduations, couples who are having to postpone and re-plan their weddings, etc.

I've seen people creating Facebook events to unite in prayer (again, not physically) on certain nights or at certain times. I know the Archbishop of my archdiocese has called for an additional day of fasting and prayer for all those being directly or indirectly affected by the coronavirus outbreak.

One of my hopes is that many people who have been far from their faith for years will take this as an opportunity to reconnect with their faith as they enter into prayer and bring God their petitions.

4. A New, Unifying Connection

The battle we're fighting right now is unique in that EVERYONE (I mean everyone in the world) is united against one common enemy: the disease. For once, the world may be at war but it is fighting as a unified whole. I recently read a post on Instagram that brought this to my attention.

Ironically, at a time when we may be pulling back on physical touch, we now have a new connection, a common enemy, that we can work together to fight.

If you think about it, the world is divided in so many things right now. There are different ideologies between countries and even within countries. I think it is very important that people be allowed these differences, and yet the difficulty lately has been HOW ostracized groups are from each other: just look at the Republican and Democratic parties.

Because we see people who are different from us as "other" and as "enemies," we constantly have our guard up, are distrusting, and are unable to find common ground and to really discuss out beliefs in a respectful, civilized way. 

But think about it. For once the ENTIRE WORLD is at war, and the entire world has ONE. COMMON. ENEMY. I hope that through the coronavirus we are able to set aside our differences enough to say: "I'm your brother or sister. I'm by your side. I can relate. We are humanity. Let's fight this together." For once, can we actually step back far enough to see our shared humanity and to unite in fighting something together?

~*~

So that's my pep talk for today, and this is my abrupt ending. I hope this article has given you even the slightest glimmer or hope and has helped reorient your mind even in just the slightest way to remember that there IS still good in the world, God is GREATER than all our problems, and God can work through even the greatest of our problems for EVERYONE'S greater good.

{And yes, this post was titled after the song Blessings by Laura Story. If you haven't yet heard it, you should give it a listen!}