Today I left work feeling absolutely DEPLETED. That's not to say it was a bad day. There were many moments of very genuine laughter throughout the day -- one of my students even made me laugh to the point where tears were coming out of my eyes. (I could tell my abs got a workout.) There were moments of connection with students and there were some "how the heck did that work so well" firsts that were amazing to see.
~*~
As human beings, we're going to experience highs and lows. I have found that the moods of those around me has a big impact on my own mood. You're sad; I'm sad. You're happy; I'm happy. Empathy, folks.
I have to admit I was sad to learn today that for some people spring is their worst season. For me, it is a sign of life and joy and new beginnings. For some people, it's a season where their depression kicks in all the more. Learning this today was the teardrop on top to an emotional week. It wasn't the main cause of my sadness, but it did increase it. Let's get to the main cause.
~*~
In his writings, C.S. Lewis emphasized the point that "to love is vulnerable." If you are going to care about yourself or others you are going to experience pain and sadness from time to time. Dialectics would also point out that in order to feel true moments of joy, warmth, and gladness fully, you also have to allow yourself to experience pain and sadness in their fullness.
...Both/And...
Throughout these past couple months I have been learning so much. I love my job more than anything. I love getting to try to build each of my students up and help them succeed and have good moments. Everything my heart longed for when I decided to declare a social work major is being fulfilled in my current job. I get to be there for vulnerable kids.
That said, any job that fits into this realm is going to lead to insights that result in sorrow and heartache (assuming you have a heart that can be touched, and I don't believe you should be working with vulnerable populations if you don't). It's a sharing in the heartache of the individuals you meet.
My heart has been unraveling in beautiful ways over these past weeks and months. God truly does answer my prayer to give me His heart more and more each day and to "break my heart for what breaks Yours." The more I get to know individual students and just small pieces that make up their stories, the more my heart aches.
I had no idea children with autism go through so much. As a coworker pointed out, so many of them come to us having been
* Traumatized
* Misunderstood
* Bullied
* Ignored
* Left out, etc.
With these experiences comes deeply embedded shame and low self-worth to top off their sensory struggles. I know I'm painting a bleak picture here and it ISN'T the whole picture, but it IS a big part of the picture and needs to be acknowledged and addressed.
Kids with autism go through A LOT, and it is absolutely heartbreaking to realize what so many of these kids have been through. For so many of them, messages of mockery, shame, and criticism have been embedded so deeply into their systems over the years that it can take years if not decades to undo.
The reason I love my job is that I get to be a little piece in that puzzle that we hope will be a healing journey for them. Replace the mockery with praise. Replace the shame with worth. Replace the criticism with empathy, problem-solving, and understanding.
This is the beauty of having the heart to care and the ability to love.
Yet with this inexplicable joy also comes the sadness: the sadness of seeing a kid mentally beat himself or herself up. The sadness of knowing that a kid has so deeply internalized messages of shame and self-loathing that they resist the very love you want to show them, resistance caused by deeply ingrained self-deprecating messages that will take years or more to undo.
I've started to think that the greatest pain and sadness Christ felt on the cross may have been the heartache of knowing how little we would love and value our own selves. He saw how our self-worth would be torn down. He saw the wounds that would be inflicted upon His children... and Jesus wept.
To love with the heart of Jesus means there will be moments of sadness. There will be moments when the healthiest response is to let that sadness be present. But it also means there will be moments of great joy:
Moments of great joy in realizing that we can emulate and imitate God's great love. Moments of great joy in knowing that not all is lost. Moments of great joy in realizing the power of prayer. Moments of great joy in realizing the great GIFT we have been given in each opportunity God puts before us to love. Moments of great joy is realizing the impact we can have on the life of another.
Moments of great joy in knowing that we can be vessels pouring out His love to those He longs to meet the most.
This is the joy that God calls us to. This is the joy I wish to embrace every day.
