It's been a reflective time for me recently. In Adoration just this past Sunday, I read the I Thirst prayer for possibly the hundredth time (I used to pray it daily in Rome). What's interesting is that the words that stuck out to me this time--the words I felt God calling me to focus on--were words I had barely noticed before. I was even led to write them down in my prayer journal:
"in His own image."
I could write an ENTIRE other blog post about how for the first time I realized this is the GREATEST gift God could ever give anyone, because He invites us to actually enter into Him and become one with Him in the Trinity (no wonder angels were jealous)... but that's not what this particular blog post is about.
What I want to reflect on today is how God poured light into some of the greatest fears and sorrows I have been grappling with recently. (Actually, I've probably been grappling with them my whole life.)
~*~
Throughout the past few days, my greatest fears and sorrows have risen to the surface. I'm not really sure why they rose at this time. Perhaps because I'm in a physically vulnerable state with allergies and exhaustion... All I know is they came to the surface and have tried to plague me (successfully doing so until I brought them to prayer).
The fear that has been plaguing me recently is the fear of inadequacy, the fear that people who I value the friendship of so much might now or at some point consider me irrelevant. Namely, I find that one of my greatest fears is being "abandoned," "left out," or "left behind."
--What if people realize that I'm boring?
--What if people forget about me, because I don't talk enough?
--What if people find me annoying? Maybe I look desperate for attention.
--What if my friends move on to a new stage in their lives and I'm no longer included?
--What if, as our friend group evolves, I disappear into the background?
--What if I'm forgotten?
I think that last one is the most plaguing one of all: the fear and sorrow of being forgotten.
~*~
On a walk today, I realized that this fear of rejection/abandonment/forgottenness/irrelevancy is probably my greatest fear next to only one --> which is my fear of the death of people I love.
I brought these fears and sorrows to God in prayer today, and my does He have powerful ways! As I shared my two greatest fears with Him, I realized that I indeed am...
made in His image.
As I shared these fears and sorrows, I drew near to God and He drew near to me and Our hearts became one in that moment (esse cum - to be with). As I felt the cold breeze on my face and through my cardigan, I saw Jesus in the Garden of Eden and on the Cross feeling that same chilling breeze and sadness.
I was praying a Chaplet which included a variety of intentions along with "my selfish prayer" (to be included in a future event I so long to be included in). As I reminded God that He already knew my selfish prayer and asked Him to either include me in this event or help me to accept in my heart being left out, I realized even Jesus prayed this prayer. Perhaps it was not quite so selfish.
"May this cup pass from me, but not my will but Yours be done."
Even Jesus prayed for His deepest desires, for His longing to not endure rejection. I had told my therapist less than an hour prior that I realized my desire to be included and united with others is not a bad thing but a good thing. It is God's imprint on the human heart. It is what we are ultimately CALLED TO--to unity for ALL of us together.
As I confided, I realized...
My greatest fears and sorrows: (1) Losing my loved ones through death, (2) Rejection and being considered irrelevant and left on the wayside by people I long to be united with
God's greatest fears and sorrows: (1) Losing His loved ones through eternal death, (2) Rejection and being considered irrelevant and left on the wayside by those He loves: not included in their lives.
He is waiting for us every single day in the Chapel. Waiting even for one glance.
Truly, I am...
made in the image of God.
His heart is imprinted onto mine.
Realizing this, feeling something He feels (though of course He feels this more intensely and times the billions of people who reject Him or leave Him on the wayside in their lives... sometimes including me), I am able to be united with God in a new way, to see and understand Him in a new way, through experiencing (even if less intensely than He does) what He experiences.
Suddenly, I am not alone and neither is God.
"I looked around for one to console me, but there was none."
God's greatest consolation is our coming to Him, uniting with Him, and BEING with Him. As we experience trials in our lives, we can unite ourselves with Christ's Heart on the Cross. He has experienced all we experience before us and He is experiencing this with us now.
Somehow, every time when two are joined together in some way--even in a shared sadness--there is some beauty, there is some hope, there is some joy, and above all there is some MEANING found through that connection.
~*~
I now see that the cup Christ is calling me to is His gift to me. It is His gift to participate in His life. This doesn't mean I have to enjoy it, and this doesn't mean that I can't pray asking Him to "let this cup pass," but it does mean that in this moment God has drawn near and provided a chance for me to be united with Him in His sorrow.
However things may go, however long this may last... There is meaning for there is connection (a uniting with God's heart), because
He is Good.
Those who sow in sorrow will reap great joy.
