WHERE TRAGEDY AND BLESSINGS COLLIDE—THERE IS GOD
I wanted to reflect some on how God has turned something tragic into a blessing--in appreciation for His incredible/novel/creative goodness and also in hope that this post will give hope to friends out there who are going through a hard time:
This reflection is from my end/perspective, so I can’t say how the accident has positively or negatively effected my mom as a whole. I am just sharing the daughter end of what was a very traumatic experience for multiple people.
As most people know at this point, mid-summer my mom had an accident while trying out an E-Bike that resulted in multiple fractures in one of her knees. Our life was turned upside down overnight, and to say the first week was stressful is rather an understatement. Over the course of three days we spent somewhere around 20-25 hours with doctors and in the hospital (one day was a 14-16 hour hospital day)—that’s not counting figuring out homecare/a new routine at home. As the only-child-living-at-home with a single parent and zero relatives in state, I told God He was pushing things too far this time--that this was too much to handle and that I felt so incredibly alone/helpless/overwhelmed.
Here are some of the things He did for me through this accident this summer:
*God gave me another excuse to be home. I had already told my work the morning before the accident that I was thinking of going from part time to on call for the summer for the sake of my own mental health. When the accident happened that made that decision easy.
*In that sense of being alone, God sent help my way in a variety of ways. I’m not saying I didn’t feel alone or have more on my plate than one person can humanly (physically, emotionally, mentally…) handle. I’m not going to underscore how bad things were EVEN THROUGHOUT my support system being there and building up. That said, we got a dialectic------amidst the pain and exhaustion and long felt feelings of aloneness which were all VERY PRESENT and VERY REAL, I got to experience the support of friends. (I was forced to be humble enough to let my friends carry pieces of my load and got to see how supportive my friends are.)
*Once again, amidst feeling overwhelmed, overburdened, and alone, DIALECTICALLY God made this an opportunity to connect with family a little more. I saw my sister more times than I would’ve and got in a weekly phone call with out-of-state relatives once a week.
*Did I almost forget to mention THERAPY???!!! My therapist went above and beyond and saved me. She increased her work hours (like, DUDE!!!) in order to walk me through a mental breakdown and made suggestions that helped build up my support system and battle the aloneness.
*To cope with the accident, I took full advantage of my $1/mo. for 3 month Hulu subscription (which turned into a 1 month Paramount+ subscription). This got me obsessed with a show that was a blessing and a CURSE----but in the blessing realm seriously helped me better understand and appreciate the passion of God’s love and His vulnerability in giving us free will. I was in such a level of agony over a course of days that I don’t even know how to describe it. Ultimately, after days of experiencing this most-hopeless/helpless-pain-I’ve-ever-felt (the physical symptoms alongside mental were so disturbing/intense that they probably had some permanent effect), God came to me in prayer before Sunday Mass and turned this pain into growth, insights, and something now-conceivably for His glory. (OK, God. Thank you for allowing me to come this close to You. Now please don't allow me to go through this level of anguish again. Thanks.)
*Last but not least, the thing that actually got me thinking to write down a list of blessings: The accident motivated/got me adulting for the first time with regular, healthy cooking as well as being in charge of chores and errands. I’ve always felt like a partial adult (years ago I moved out of state to try to change that)—yes, I work full time, do my own errands, pay my own expenses, etc. etc. That said, there are so many skills that I would like to gain in order to feel capable of some self-sufficiency and independence ----for the record, adulthood and self-sufficiency/independence aren’t by any means necessarily simultaneous--this “adulthood = independence” idea is an idea rather unique to our culture--but that topic is for another post. One skill/responsibility I’ve been trying to motivate myself to do is to cook real food. In previous years, I’ve had the New Year’s Resolution to cook one new thing per month to branch out beyond my toaster-oven-waffles-life. I’ve maintained this for a few months before drifting. THIS SUMMER, with this much time at home and with knowing my mom was entirely dependent on her to bring her food and water, being that our kitchen is upstairs, I felt motivated to actually try cooking some real food. I spent hour in the kitchen each week trying to incorporate different food groups in different ways into our diets. Add in the Farmer’s Market with some FRESH produce, figure out my favorite recipes, and cook until I drop. (I truly don’t know how people take care of an entire household---shopping, cooking, and 101 other cares. BLESS YOU! I am in awe of you!)
--- I see that God is letting me take slower steps into adulthood than those that many adults take. I may not be married with kids by 24, but this is because God knows what is best for me. For some people that timeline is great (though I’m sure challenging). I have lots of baggage to file through. I have lots of skills to attain. I have tasks and encounters that I am called to that I could not partake in if I were in a different state in life. This life is a GIFT, and I am now embracing with joy that God has given me ample time and opportunity (and some motivation/initiative) to develop more skills before 30. He is giving me the time I need and is calling me to the places He desires in the now regardless of where He is ultimately calling me in life. I love the life God has given me, and wouldn't exchange it for any other. I guess you could say that this whole experience has taught me something about living in the present, and that too is a gift.
