I wrote this post over two months ago and am just now posting it:
In haven't fully figured out what I am going to write here, but as I carry a great deal of depression in my body I feel called to look to Christ's wounds. It is easy (especially with the mental health disorders or anxiety and depression that I experience) to get caught up in gazing at one's wounds and all the fears that come with them.
Am I lovable? Am I loved? Am I enough? Why are these here? Why do I suffer with these things? Why do I suffer with these emotions? Why do I suffer with these limitations? Am I a burden? What am I supposed to do? What if my wounds are a burden to others? How do I hide my wounds (from myself, from others)?
If we do not focus on uniting our wounds with the wounds of Christ and experiencing intimacy with Him amidst our wounds, we are going to head towards desolation. We were never meant to bare the pains of life without His grace. We were never called to bare anything alone. We were never called to be alone in our suffering. And, as pointless and useless as our sufferings may seem, they do have merit. That is why God allows them.
Experiencing deep wounds is an opportunity to unite with Christ in His passion. Reflecting on His wounds can bring great consolation, because if His wounds have merit then so do ours. Yes--Christ has united that closely with us. Each wound is an opportunity for intimacy with Him.
~*~
Some wounds I have reflected on in the past include the fear of being left out/left behind and the fear of losing those I love most. I reflected on how Christ also experiences these pains. He waits for us in Eucharistic adoration day and night, longing for us to come to Him and not forget Him and invite Him on the journey with us. His greatest pain is the loss of beloved souls.
Today I take this opportunity to reflect on other wounds I do carry or have carried and to look at how Christ and I share each wound and are united in them. (Maybe you can bring some of your own wounds to Him whether they are the same or different from mine.)
Wounds
Depression - While the Bible doesn't tell us explicitly if Christ experienced depression, it does tell us that He experienced the greatest agony possible in the garden before His crucifixion. How heavy that weight must have been on His body! Christ knows that feeling of being overcome with weight and pain, with hurts and sorrows, and carrying His cross out of love anyway. Those sudden crying spells I experience, my experience of losing touch with my body as the weight bares down on me, those can all be united to Christ. I can thank Christ for these opportunities to share in His wounds.
Prayer: Christ, I unite feelings of being heavy, broken down, barely able to move on or to give any more of me with Your wounds in the Crucifixion. I thank you for the opportunity to be drawn so close to You. I pray to accept this sharing in Your wounds with gratitude and humility. I ask that my experience may be a source of grace to others and that throughout these experiences of pain my eyes might not be fixed on myself but on You.
~*~
Anxiety: I can unite these feelings of anxiety with Christ in the Garden where we are told He sweated blood. While the things He felt anxiety over carried a great deal more selflessness and holiness than my anxieties often do, the experience of physical anxiety was nonetheless the same. There can be that feeling of foreboding. "Let this cup pass, but not my will but yours be done." How hard it can be to speak these words. Whether or not we are immediately able to speak these words as the physical symptoms of anxiety bare down (sometimes including a feeling of implosion, a sense of stabbing pain or squeezing all over the body, a tight-set jaw, nausea, lightheadedness, a need to fight back, an inability to accept our greatest fears), we can unite our experience, our deep unease of mind and body with Christ's. Know He felt all these things in His body and more. Know that we are not alone. We are drawing near to Him.
In my room, I have a sign I painted with a quote from a book by Sarah Young called Jesus Today. It says:
"My presence is always with you, but I am very present in times of distress... During stressful times, your heart may race and your adrenaline level may soar. These physiological changes can block your awareness of My Presence. So it's vital at such times to remind yourself: 'Jesus is here with me; in fact, He is very present with me in this hard situation.' Then take some slow, deep breaths so you can relax enough to connect with Me and draw strength from Me."
Prayer: I unite this sense of impending doom, of anguish-inducing fears to You. Please be with me. Please hold me in Your arms and heal me. Please help me to not lose touch with reality. Please help me to see everything in light of Your greater plan. I gaze upon You asking for strength, fortitude, and healing. Please remind me that this is but the journey and the end is heavenly glory with You. In this moment, I draw my strength from You.
~*~
Migraines: I believe I started having migraines around age 11. Since then, they have come in different regularity. Some weeks come with multiple migraines. Other times I experience closer to only one migraine in a month. It is hard to describe a migraine well. For me it is like being stabbed in my left jaw, ear, and eye. There is such an insane pressure in these areas that when I close my eyes, I see lights dancing and fluctuating in shapes. I usually experience feelings of nausea due to pain.
Migraines are an incredible opportunity to unite to Christ's suffering in the passion. In particular, one can reflect upon His being crowned with thorns. While for me it is a sensation, in His case actual thorns pierced into His very brain. Imagine all the nerve pain He experienced being stabbed all around His head. Those sensations would have gone all throughout His body. It is amazing to think during ones migraine that we are only experiencing a small portion of what He experienced. It is like Christ is saying, "Here is a piece of my cup to bare with me." Amidst a migraine, one can appreciate the sufferings of Christ all the more.
Another thing I have meditated upon amidst migraines is how as I experience my migraines I am met with love and affection. I am able to grab an ice pack. I can lay on the cold bathroom floor and throw up in the toilet. (Sorry if that's TMI.) My mom is often around and will bring me medication and support. Jesus had none of these things. All through His migraine, He was mocked and tortured, yet He never stopped loving. Experiencing a migraine is a great opportunity for selfless love, because it is an opportunity to love with acceptance and a giving heart amidst excruciating pain. The real test of love is not warm fluffy feelings in the stomach. It is to will the good of the other even if this comes with pain.
Prayer: Lord, I unite this migraine with the physical torments you experienced in Your passion, especially torments to the head. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to be drawn so near to You. I willingly accept this pain as a way of bringing You comfort and companionship in Your suffering and as an offering for the salvation of souls. Please help me to bare this pain well. If it be Your Will, please take this pain from me. If it is Your Will that I bare it, please help me to bare it well and meritoriously as I unite it to Your passion and cross.
~*~
Sense of not being seen or being misperceived: If anyone experienced this and continues to experience this, it is Jesus. Yet He never allows His heart to become hardened. In the Bible, He was questioned by the scribes and pharisees and Pilate. He was mocked by the crowds He came to save. He was doubted by His own apostles at times. Today, so many don't know Jesus. Or they think they know Him, but they have a false representation of Him in their minds. Many see Christ and His followers as strict and judgmental and full of condemnation. They see the guidance of God's 10 Commandments as a restraint rather than a provision of loving guidance. (When I say they, I also mean often you and me. How often do we misrepresent God in our minds?) They don't recognize Him in the Eucharist. Others see Christ as simply some sort of "you do you" therapist. They think that if He comes with unconditional love these means He has nothing to ask or no expectations. Yet, He does have things to ask, and these things are not out of selfishness but for our own good.
In painful moments where we experience being misperceived or the hasty judgment of others, we can recognize this as an opportunity to be drawn ever closer to Christ and experience just a small sliver of what He experiences day in and day out. We can pray for the gift of patience and humility. We can recognize His patience with us with gratitude. We can ask God to help us love and ask that our hearts might not become hardened towards those we feel misperceive us.
(Side note: I believe I once heard another Catholic say that for Christ on the cross, what hurt Him more than the people who stood below the cross mocking Him were those who walked by Him and didn't even look up. They did not see Him. They ignored Him. I think the point that was being made when I heard this was how much lukewarmness hurts our Lord.)
Prayer: Lord, I am feeling misperceived or misjudged, and this is painful. I am prone to frustration, pushing back, and a hardening of my heart in this situation. Please help me to remain patient and loving as You did when you were misperceived or misjudged. Help me to love the other person in instances when I do not feel seen or loved. Help me to see this as an opportunity to draw near to you, share in your experience, and appreciate how much patience you have with those who do not recognize Your pain or requite Your love.
