God made me this way
and he accepts every part of me.
I have learned that
one of the things I value most in life is Order. Because of this value, I have
been trying to organize my online life. I try to compartmentalize things to
hold different aspects of me: things I’m proud of, things I’m ashamed of, my
Christ-filled inspirations, my obsessions with movie stars...
I think most of us
have had those moments on Facebook where we look back on something and ask,
“Why did I post that?” We have all of these “in the moment” feelings. At one
moment I want my online presence to be all Holy and focused on Christ. Then
suddenly I feel the urge to post something about a celebrity crush. I sometimes
post only one thing a week but more often post multiple things a day, and
this leaves me disgusted with myself because I want some organization in my
life.
When I first got my
Facebook, I was 15-years-old. I thought it was the coolest thing. I was so
excited about every friend request and post. I changed my profile picture a
million times because I liked so many pictures. I posted the most random
statuses and pictures. I kept on changing my mind about who I wanted to list as
a family member on Facebook, and so someone would be my “sister” one day and not
the next.
Sometimes I got so fed
up with the chaos of my profile. I actually went on to make a new (“fresh”)
Facebook profile and started sending out friend requests. But then I felt even
more disorganized due to the fact that I now had TWO Facebook profiles
while being ONE person. And I wanted to hold onto my original profile.
So I deleted my additional account and decided to simply make some edits to my
original profile to “perfect” it and a give it some order. Embarrassed by the
fact that I had at least 50 profile pictures and had only had my profile for
maybe half a year, I went through and deleted the majority of my profile
pictures. (I didn’t even save the original L,
but I remember what it was) I guess somewhere along the way I also deleted
almost all of my original Facebook posts and a few albums and videos.
I wanted to portray this perfect image, not the flighty-minded girl
that I am.
I could go on about
how the same thing happened to me on YouTube, Tumblr, even starting up my own
website, etc. etc. but I think you get the idea and I don’t want to bore you. (Maybe the moral of the story could just be
that I’m a perfectionist living in scatterbrained mind?)
I’m still drawn to
this ideal of order. Living in a messy house, I want it to be clean. The walls
of my bedroom look like a scrapbook; I want to give them a more organized,
sophisticated look. I want my friendships to blossom. I want to be one with
nature. I want to give up technology… except (oh bummer) it’s rather addicting.
I want to switch to reading books instead of watching movies…(but then a really
gripping movie comes out).
I also want this blog to have some sense of
organization unlike my Tumblr account where I randomly posted something about
one of my favorite movie stars and now I want to turn the account into my study
abroad blog except that I can’t convince myself to delete the old post, yet I
don’t want anyone to see it... (Run-on sentences like this explain my life.)
Welcome to my life. My brain.
So what does all this come down to? Good question. I’ve been asking
that myself. I don’t have a
perfect answer, but I guess I would say that one point of this post is that if
you’re both caught up in and fed up with your imperfections at the same time,
you’re not alone. Another point is that no one of us can be perfect. I can’t
always be consistent. There are different facets of my mind (faith, fetishes,
etc.) that branch out and cause a jumble………and that’s ok.
While I want to put
out this perfect image to the world (“Oh yah. I’ve got it all together.”) -- and
if not to the world at least to myself -- that’s just unnatural. I have faults. I
have spurts of energy, and they will quite likely come along every now and then
on my blog.
I still strive for
some Order in my life, and that’s a good thing. But I also have to learn to
accept myself with all of my imperfections, with all of my run-on sentences,
etc. It’s ok to be me. And it’s ok to be you.
If you’ve come with me
this far on this Blog I commend you. Good work. Perhaps you’ve read this blog
because you can relate or perhaps you’ve simply read it because you are bored
or perhaps you have read it because you’re a good friend and want to be able to
tell me that you read it from beginning to end. Whatever the reason…
Thank you. Because in
reading this whole blog you have shown me that you can put up with the real me
(at least for a couple of minutes) and you have accepted me as a whole:
imperfections and all.
(P.S. This picture is not of me.
Thanks, google!)
If this post is
driving you nuts with its lack of organization, I totally understand. I feel
the same way. (Yet, at the same time, I am learning to accept myself. I must
accept that fact that I do drive myself nuts.)
If this post has
actually cheered you up either because you can laugh at me or laugh with me,
Thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you for accepting me as me.
So I don’t really know
how to end here – me with all of my imperfections :P – so I guess all I am
going to say is that if my blogging
brings you some joy/insight: WELCOME! Stay tuned for more posts!: hopefully
more organized, but not necessarily all related to each other in any sense other
than that they come from… me.
I will strive to be
more organized in the future, because order brings me joy and peace of mind.
But I must also accept being imperfect little me: a bundle of perfectionism and
imperfections all rolled into one.
I can’t really get
more honest than that. So what do you say? Join me on my life journey…? It'll be fun! BLOG ON!!!
