Accepting Every Part Of Me

God made me this way and he accepts every part of me.

I have learned that one of the things I value most in life is Order. Because of this value, I have been trying to organize my online life. I try to compartmentalize things to hold different aspects of me: things I’m proud of, things I’m ashamed of, my Christ-filled inspirations, my obsessions with movie stars...

I think most of us have had those moments on Facebook where we look back on something and ask, “Why did I post that?” We have all of these “in the moment” feelings. At one moment I want my online presence to be all Holy and focused on Christ. Then suddenly I feel the urge to post something about a celebrity crush. I sometimes post only one thing a week but more often post multiple things a day, and this leaves me disgusted with myself because I want some organization in my life.

When I first got my Facebook, I was 15-years-old. I thought it was the coolest thing. I was so excited about every friend request and post. I changed my profile picture a million times because I liked so many pictures. I posted the most random statuses and pictures. I kept on changing my mind about who I wanted to list as a family member on Facebook, and so someone would be my “sister” one day and not the next.

Sometimes I got so fed up with the chaos of my profile. I actually went on to make a new (“fresh”) Facebook profile and started sending out friend requests. But then I felt even more disorganized due to the fact that I now had TWO Facebook profiles while being ONE person. And I wanted to hold onto my original profile. So I deleted my additional account and decided to simply make some edits to my original profile to “perfect” it and a give it some order. Embarrassed by the fact that I had at least 50 profile pictures and had only had my profile for maybe half a year, I went through and deleted the majority of my profile pictures. (I didn’t even save the original L, but I remember what it was) I guess somewhere along the way I also deleted almost all of my original Facebook posts and a few albums and videos.

I wanted to portray this perfect image, not the flighty-minded girl that I am.

I could go on about how the same thing happened to me on YouTube, Tumblr, even starting up my own website, etc. etc. but I think you get the idea and I don’t want to bore you.  (Maybe the moral of the story could just be that I’m a perfectionist living in scatterbrained mind?)

I’m still drawn to this ideal of order. Living in a messy house, I want it to be clean. The walls of my bedroom look like a scrapbook; I want to give them a more organized, sophisticated look. I want my friendships to blossom. I want to be one with nature. I want to give up technology… except (oh bummer) it’s rather addicting. I want to switch to reading books instead of watching movies…(but then a really gripping movie comes out).  

I also want this blog to have some sense of organization unlike my Tumblr account where I randomly posted something about one of my favorite movie stars and now I want to turn the account into my study abroad blog except that I can’t convince myself to delete the old post, yet I don’t want anyone to see it... (Run-on sentences like this explain my life.) I regret how many accounts I’ve made on various websites. Yet, at the same time, I don’t really want to delete them because they really do possess a part of me.

Welcome to my life. My brain.

So what does all this come down to? Good question. I’ve been asking that myself. I don’t have a perfect answer, but I guess I would say that one point of this post is that if you’re both caught up in and fed up with your imperfections at the same time, you’re not alone. Another point is that no one of us can be perfect. I can’t always be consistent. There are different facets of my mind (faith, fetishes, etc.) that branch out and cause a jumble………and that’s ok.

While I want to put out this perfect image to the world (“Oh yah. I’ve got it all together.”) -- and if not to the world at least to myself -- that’s just unnatural. I have faults. I have spurts of energy, and they will quite likely come along every now and then on my blog.

I still strive for some Order in my life, and that’s a good thing. But I also have to learn to accept myself with all of my imperfections, with all of my run-on sentences, etc. It’s ok to be me. And it’s ok to be you.

If you’ve come with me this far on this Blog I commend you. Good work. Perhaps you’ve read this blog because you can relate or perhaps you’ve simply read it because you are bored or perhaps you have read it because you’re a good friend and want to be able to tell me that you read it from beginning to end. Whatever the reason…

Thank you. Because in reading this whole blog you have shown me that you can put up with the real me (at least for a couple of minutes) and you have accepted me as a whole: imperfections and all.

(P.S. This picture is not of me. 

Thanks, google!)

If this post is driving you nuts with its lack of organization, I totally understand. I feel the same way. (Yet, at the same time, I am learning to accept myself. I must accept that fact that I do drive myself nuts.)

If this post has actually cheered you up either because you can laugh at me or laugh with me, Thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you for accepting me as me.

So I don’t really know how to end here – me with all of my imperfections :P – so I guess all I am going to say is that if my blogging brings you some joy/insight: WELCOME! Stay tuned for more posts!: hopefully more organized, but not necessarily all related to each other in any sense other than that they come from… me.

I will strive to be more organized in the future, because order brings me joy and peace of mind. But I must also accept being imperfect little me: a bundle of perfectionism and imperfections all rolled into one.

I can’t really get more honest than that. So what do you say? Join me on my life journey…? It'll be fun! BLOG ON!!!