The Day I Learned I'm Not Superhuman: Shift Work Sleep Disorder

It was one of the most stressful morning's of my life. I had worked four awake nights (10pm-6am) throughout the week and had swapped shifts with someone so that I was also working a Saturday shift (6am-2pm). A body like mine just couldn't handle it, and I wish I had realized that sooner so that I wouldn't let people down.

See, this is the life of a health care professional working inconsistent and early shifts.

For someone like me you just have to learn and accept your body's limitations. The reason I agree to do many things is because I don't want to let people down. However, in the end I'm either letting my body down or letting others down worse.

This particular morning caused me so much stress that my heart was becoming weak for lack of oxygen. I wasn't in a full-fledged panic attack. I couldn't have one of those in the moment, but my body was waning away. When I woke up I felt rather numb. On top of other health concerns, I had only slept 2-3 hours the night prior due to my scheduling being off (insomnia), and I had gotten very frustratingly inconsistent sleep throughout the week as I tried to get my body to do what it had to do to get my shifts done. My body didn't want to sleep all day, but what was worse was getting up at 4:45am mornings.

In my position, you can't just call in right before work and say, "I'm sick. My body is numb. My heart is giving out on me from fatigue. I can't come in." -- In my position (shift work) you're also more likely to HAVE morning's like this (at least if you're me), because your body is so drained and wasn't made to function this way. -- You have to predict at least the night before if you'll be sick, and even this is a bad idea. You have to know at least 24 hours in advance to get an emergency sub. In my case... yikes. I guess I should've known my body would give out on my on a schedule like this, but I wanted to be super human.

LESSON LEARNED: Shifts that require getting up at 4:45am do not work for me (getting up anytime before 6am is a nightmare), and jobs that require shift work are not ideal for my body.

Maybe these shifts work for some people, and I'm glad those people exist!

I guess now I know more about myself, although I'm super sorry to have let people down. Of all things in life, the MOST painful thing for me is letting people down. It drives me nuts. It gives me panic attacks. I have depression and severe anxiety disorder, and the two things that truly stress me the most are (1) sleep exhaustion, (2) letting people down.

So it's a year of learning. I'm learning to take myself seriously. I'm learning my limitations. This is good. Praise the Lord for helping me and not having me learn these lessons in a more drastic way. Even if this seemed drastic and was drastic, it could have been much worse.

This is a short blog post with an important lesson and a simple yet incredibly helpful reflection.

I continue to be in awe of all the health care professionals out there who work day in and day out on absolutely ridiculous shifts. I think something should be done about the inconsistency of the schedule if it can, because if you're going to help someone with their own health you first need to take care of your own.

Anyhow, kuddos to all you cool people out there! You're superhuman, and I have learned that I am not, and I am grateful for that. I am grateful to accept that I have limitations. There's some beauty in limitation. (In letting others down? No. But in knowing there is a time to say no and to simplify your life and stay sane with good reason. Yes.)

I hope someday the world will make better conditions for health care workers, and I have a new founded respect for people in this field. I don't think this is proper treatment of a human's circadian rhythm, but YOU GO, GUYS! 

When I said ta-ta to Facebook

1. I stopped being obsessed with comparing myself to others.
When I go on Facebook, my mind is CONSTANTLY comparing myself to others both when I'm on Facebook and when I'm off. I'm always thinking of the latest post. I'm thinking of who is dating whom or how so and so will respond. I'm thinking about who commented on what and how it's not fair that they can get away with it, or I'm looking at who liked what.

2. I no longer burrow (is that the word?) anger against others so much.
Admittedly, going on Facebook I am constantly frustrated with people: sometimes for the wrong reasons. Often, when I should be happy for someone, I am jealous. I get sick of all the comparisons or jealous of others for getting so many compliments, etc. etc. I get very angry at people for building up people for certain things as if they are the most pivotal things in the world. (I know. That's a vice of mine :P) I get upset about constantly feeling I need to compare regardless of where I consider myself to be on the comparison scale.

3. I have a better self-image/public-image.
When caught up with Facebook, I always stress about how I'm posting too much or should I post this or not that. I'm always worried about what so and so will think of my post. I'm always in admiration of those who hardly ever go on Facebook or rarely post. I get mad at myself for feeling a lack of impulse control, because I really want to post something and then if so-and-so doesn't like it I feel really stupid, or I go into comparison mode and think "I'm more like ___ and want to be more like ___." When off Facebook, I can love myself more. I'm being who I want to be and don't have to think about how I am going to portray myself to the world on the daily.

4. I'm no longer drawing so many false conclusions or making up as many stressful or even engaging scenarios in my head.
The transformation is UNREAL when I think about it. A few weeks ago I COULD NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME live in the moment. I would try but my thoughts would always go to worrying about the future and making up scenarios. My entire mental dialogue was a bunch of made up scenarios. I still do dialogue in my head some, but it's so much better, and I have much more control over it. I'm not worried about the future anymore. I'm not worried about not being enough in the now. I love myself and where I'm at. I'm grateful that I'm where I'm at. For the first time I'm not stressed with wanting a boyfriend. I'm actually grateful that God has put me exactly where I am now and that he hasn't given me certain things I've asked for and has given me others. My eyes have been opened to the beauty of His blessings and the tranquility --> much of this is due to prayer, but being off of Facebook has certainly helped. I don't have to be constantly thinking, "What am I going to post about this tonight?" or "How/when should I respond to so-and-so?"

5. I'm reading!
The first few days it seemed weird when I had that spare minute and had to find something non-Facebook to do. It didn't feel bad. It felt rather good. It was just weird. Now...I LOVE IT!!! I love diving into these worlds that help me grow as a person or simply bring me joy. Reading novels isn't such a pain, because I don't have to compare myself to the characters to the extent where "Do I have a love like there's?" I enjoy reading for reading. I enjoy sitting in the hammock on the rare occasions when I get the chance. And I value these free moments more, because I really rarely do have time to read. When I actually come home from work and have time to sit down and read a book, that's a GIFT. When I set down a book I look forward to the next time I can pick it back up, but it's also good because I'm living life in-between it and that's what's keeping me from reading the book straight through: life, not Facebook.

6. I'm developing and realizing the beauty of REAL relationships in my life.
I've managed to get coffee with a number of people over the summer. I have been SOOO blessed! I'm starting to communicate with people more through text which seems more intimate in the sense that I'm in direct communication with this person and not just posting things for all the world to watch or observe or compare or see etc. etc. When I text people it's usually to check up on something and/or see when we can get together. More often the later which is DIVINE. When I've gotten coffee with people, I've realized HOW MUCH I value these solid beautiful relationships, and I see how God knows and has provided me with the exact friends I need at the exactly right time. I love to grow in these relationships off the web. For the first time, I'm feeling a healthy connection with people and gratitude for people that I haven't had in years if ever before. It's a CONNECTION. It's a real friendship and relationship versus something to make me look popular on Facebook. I never realized how much I lacked until I found this. The fact that this exists is absolutely beautiful. I must've forgotten what friendship was. I've never known friendships like these. Cultivating relationships with a few people, a manageable number, and actually being able to INVEST in these relationships and experience others love for me and my love for them is incredible.

7. On and on...
There's no way I could make a post comprising all the blessings I have received from going off of Facebook. The experience is INCREDIBLE. It's like breathing a whole new refreshing air after being suffocated and punched in the chest for years. It's friendships and relationships: things I have found I haven't known the meaning of since childhood. Adult relationships. So beautiful. Friendships. That's what this is. I'm no longer a fish swimming in a chaotic see. I'm in a prairie where I get to smell all the beautiful flowers, maybe trip on a stone and examine the wound, maybe there's a gust of wind that makes me stay put to learn through a tough experience, but I'm in the prairie, and that's new, and that's beautiful, and IT'S LIKE I WASN'T ALIVE AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT LIFE COULD BE AND NOW I'M LIVING.

written July 19, 2017