"And when they had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and sat down together, Peter sat down among them. Then a servant girl, seeing him as he sat in the light and looking closely at him, said, 'This man also was with me.' But he denied it saying, 'Woman, I do not know him.' And a little later someone else saw him and said, 'You also are one of them.' But Peter said, 'Man, I am not.' And after an interval of about an hour still another insisted, saying, "Certainly this man also was with him, for he too is a Galilean.' But Peter said, 'Man, I do not know what you are talking about.' And immediately, while he was still speaking, the rooster crowed."
~ LUKE 22: 55-60
(Why) Failures
I have been Peter countless time in the last year and even in the past weeks. My denial is a silence rather than an outburst. This may seem less terrible, but it really isn't. It's cowardice. The situations I am in are far less intimidating and penalizing than the one Peter was in. Last Fall some of my coworkers were talking about their relatives and faith. They even got onto the topics of horror films, exorcism, and why family members had left the faith. I stood by quietly, sad and troubled but too shy to speak up and volunteer that I am Catholic and could even try to answer some questions if they had any.
God has given me other opportunities to be a witness to him. Not a witness as in galavanting or acting as though I am better than others, but a witness that there are still young Catholics in the world who love and embrace Jesus and His message. Someone who doesn't blush or shrug her shoulders at words like "Jesus" or "Heaven."
This Easter, naturally the topic of faith came up again. One coworker flatly denied believing in Jesus Christ (something the coworker is not afraid to share regularly), another shared "I suppose I technically identify as Christian," another shared that due to not having much family around she wouldn't be doing a whole lot to celebrate the holiday. A different coworker even openly rejoiced in not having to celebrate Easter anymore, as the family members that believed are now deceased. If only I were even half as animated about my joy in celebrating Easter as my coworker was in not celebrating Easter. Being my squeamish and cowardly self, I brushed it off simply stating that I wouldn't be doing a whole lot for Easter either since I don't see much of extended family anymore. "Probably just a celebratory breakfast," I quipped. I didn't want to be conciliatory! Even in the moment I wanted to be a witness, but I was weak! My actions were quite automatic even if in my mind in the moment I was asking myself how I could show my love of God and support for Easter.
Today when we listened to "The Ants Go Marching" in class and number seven was rhymed with "pray to Heaven" a number of my coworkers stopped singing when they got to the word Heaven and openly rolled their eyes or looked uncomfortable. I made sure to at least sing that word as openly as the rest of the words. A small sign of some strength in me.
God is generously giving me the opportunities I've asked for to witness to Him at work! This week a small wooden clasp with two icons inside -- one of the Blessed Virgin and Baby Jesus and another of Jesus as a gown man -- popped up in our classroom out of the blue. My atheist coworker commented on almost feeling a temptation to take it home because it was pretty neat. He joked that since he didn't believe maybe it was a sign. I agreed with this, even welcoming his taking it, but he most obviously didn't know that while he was joking about it being a sign I wasn't, and I didn't make it in any way-shape-or-form apparent that I wasn't really joking. He asked a few other coworkers if it was theirs. They flatly denied it, some even noting that it was not an "APPROPRIATE" thing to be in our work zone. At the end of the day I noticed it was gone and my heart skipped a beat, wondering where it could have gone to. I saw it on a different table and quickly picked it up and put it in my pocket to make sure it would be shown the reverence it deserved and not simply tossed out. A Catholic coworker walked in just minutes later. I showed her the clasp and we awed over it. I then learned the coworker alongside her was also Catholic. They were wondering whose it was as well.
The Why
Now that I've listed many of the experiences I've had at work related to speaking up for or AT LEAST NOT BLUSHING (I'm that weak?) at faith references, I would like to address a few questions. Why am I so weak? Why does God allow this? <-- (not in ANY way to put the blame on God as if He's not doing His job!!!) My failures are by no means honorable or a good thing. The fact that God can bring good out of evil does not excuse my behavior or lack of it. The reason for my mistakes is nothing other than cowardice. I may try to excuse this with overthinking like "Well I wanted to be careful not to..." or "I just wasn't sure this was the right time..." but in all truth it comes down to cowardice.
Whose Power Is It?
So where does the good our of evil part come into play? I think it comes into play in the same way that God gives me weaknesses to save me from my prone-to-pride nature. While cowardice is evil, what is even more evil is a heart that GLOATS in its successes as if the human connected to it acted well out his or her own strength and goodness. As Pete the Cat would say, "Goodness, no!" And so, through my failures Christ is emphasizing to my conscious awareness the fact that on my own I am a weak failure. Even with the desire to do His Will, my desire is not enough to give me superpowers. It is not through my own strength that I witness to the Lord. I am entirely dependent on God. I need to beg Him on my knees to give me the strength and to work and act through me. Because of how many failures I have had, I can finally see clearly that I 100% cannot do this without the generous grace of God! Where I do witness successfully, it is an answer to a prayer! It is ALL HIM! It is generosity, not Him giving me my dues.
I would rather experience 12 failures followed by 1 success after a heartfelt prayer on my knees for God's mercy and generosity than 13 successes with a gloating heart. The evil of that gloating heart would be greater than the good brought out through my successes, because pride is the greatest evil (the greatest LIE) of all!
Hope and Action
And so the greatest goods come through trial and error and an open and honest dependence on the Father. I have denied Him more than three times in my weakness, and this has left me with GREAT gratitude to be able to speak the words "Lord I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof but only say the word and my soul shall be healed."
My I now approach God with humility, tenderness, and true love, and ask Him to pour His Spirit into my heart to witness to Him with openness and pride (the good kind; the glowing pride in Him, not in myself).
Prayer is necessary. There is no perfect formula for success, because in the end it is all up to God whether or not He will answer my prayers to give me strength. But He wants and knows what is best, and when I do succeed may I not only bring glory to Him but maintain an utmost gratitude stemming from humility in knowing that IT IS ALL UNDESERVED GIFT. IT IS ALL HIM: The King of Mercy who has given us the utmost honor in transforming us into His vessels here on earth.
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