My Relationship With My Body Weight (Is Gaining A Few Pounds In Your 20s Bad?)

When I was in middle school (and into early high school) I reached my peak weight of 140. At this point in my life my anxiety and depression were at their all-time peak and my health was, as a result, at it's lowest. 

Come Fall of my junior year of high school, without even intending to, I lost twenty pounds going from 140 to 120. It just so happens that these years of my life were some of my healthiest in terms of mental health and overall physical activity. 

Come college, I heard the rumor of "Freshman 15." This girl wasn't going to let that happen. I watched my diet a whee bit but I didn't starve myself either. I went to the gym every day for about an hour. (It's probably worth noting that I was probably more infatuated with keeping my weight down than was healthy. When you work off 1000 calories in one workout..... yeah.) That said, I did not gain the Freshman 15 so that was exciting for me.

All throughout college and into my first two years out of college, my weight typically balanced between 130 and 135. To be honest, sometimes I wasn't eating enough, but this was more-so due to a variety of other things (lethargy, small appetite, etc.) instead of being intentional.

Well, I hit 24 and went through the most stressful two months of my life since my early teens. Around the tail-end of this period my weight suddenly bounced up averaging between 139-141. 

Yes - I FREAKED OUT. 

My anxiety around weight skyrocketed to the point there I almost felt dizzy with anxiety. I would try to cut back my daily intake from around 2000 calories a day to the 1500 range.

Allow me to explain a little of why freaked out, because there's more to it than one might guess:

When I was at my peak weight of 140 I was going through the most difficult period of my life. In the midst of this period I only had ONE REAL FRIEND in high school. The other kids ignored me and even acted as if I didn't exist. I had an experience in eighth grade where I sat down by a group of about ten peers on the bleachers at a football game and within a minute they ALL stood up and walked away: not acknowledging me and leaving me sitting completely alone.

My next two years of high school didn't get much better.

It wasn't until I transferred to public school my junior year of high school (and had done enough psychological analysis to master the art of making friends and fitting in) that things got better. I finally felt semi-popular. I felt accepted. I had friends from a whole array of groups at school and even fit in with the "popular kids" for a bit until I decided this wasn't quite going to work out for me.

Coincidentally? -- I started putting more effort into my appearance (a hair and make-up transformation), because I finally felt I had something worth showing up looking good for, and, yes, I lost 20 pounds.

As noted above, this weight loss wasn't really intentional (my appetite just suddenly went away for a few weeks), but it did boost my self-esteem. 

As a result, I associate my weight with how I have related with the world and people in my life while at that weight. 

So when I stepped on the scale a week ago and the scale went all the way up to 141, my heart started pounding faster. In the past if I gain a few pounds and reach say 136 I was able to get back to 133 over the course of a day or two (probably because weight fluctuates some during the day).

In this case, I started paying more attention to my calorie intake (which I had initially started logging to make sure I was eating more than just a "straight carb" diet). The lowest I could get my weight down to was 138 and then it would fly back to 140.

~*~

For people who watch "This Is Us," this might sound like the first episode where Kate goes to a group for overweight people and meets a slender girl named Madison.

You could be thinking, "Sheila, you're so skinny and freaking out over nothing just like Madison."

In some ways you might not be wrong, but my figure and ability to maintain a reasonable body weight over the last eight years of my life is something I have always been proud of. It's something that boosts my self-esteem when I'm feeling low. It's something I feel a sense of control over in a world where I often feel a lack of control.

So here comes Thanksgiving and I'm trying mercilessly to lose 5-10 pounds, BUT I'm also FREAKING OUT so much over my weight that my body trembles and I feel the need to snack. Of course, a snack only confirms the voice in my head saying, "What a loser. You're never going to be skinny again. You've lost it for good" ........

All this said, I am grateful that my mom mentioned to me today that people in their twenties aren't necessarily expected to stay at the same body weight as their teens in order to be healthy. I did a bit of research and loe and behold found an article titled "Ways Every Women's Body Changes In Her Twenties" by Brittany Brolley.

The line that truly stood out to me from this article was:

"While putting on a few pounds may have you thinking about dieting, it's not a great idea. Restricting your caloric intake will actually only make it harder to lose weight, according to Cleveland Clinic nutrition expert Kristin Kirkpatrick. 'The more you diet, the more your metabolism may be negatively impacted,' she explained. Developing healthy eating and exercise patterns is best."

BOOM! WOWZA! Self-acceptance booster much? And, also, this realization brought me the relief that I don't need to be starving myself. Sure, I should watch myself for "overeating," but 2000 calories a day is not bad and could in fact be better for my body than 1500 at this stage in my life.

Working out could be a key to get into my routine to make sure that the pounds I do have are healthy pounds. I truly feel encouraged and wanted to share this with fellow women so they can also know that gaining a few pounds in your 20s is healthy. Would I rather have my "high school body" back? Sure, but having a few extra pounds on the table is NOT something to worry about: it's a sign of health.

Well, readers, that's all for today. May we all live happy and healthy lives with a balanced diet and strong workout routine to support us. :)

WHAT Do They Inspire? Choosing My Influences

I've come to the realization that the majority of people who I follow in Instagram and YouTube do awaken something in me, but I would not like to call that thing inspiration. Here's why:

When I scroll through Instagram, look at Insta-Stories, or watch cover after cover and video after video on YouTube I my thoughts instantly go to "I want to be like this person. How can I be like them?"

They "inspire" me to want 50K - 400K Instagram followers like them. They inspire me to want hundred of subscribers and 5K - 1M views on my videos. This is what they "inspire" in me.

I'm not saying these are bad people, but I am saying that these people who I dedicate anywhere from minutes to hours of my day to on a daily basis (both in following their channels and in the way I spend my mental energy the rest of the day) almost solely inspire me to want to be like them: to want to be popular, to want to look perfect, to want to have followers and idolizers.

Is this true inspiration?

Perhaps instead of listing off public figures or social media entities that I "wanna-be-like" as my inspirations I could examine what they inspire me to do.

To be an inspirer or influencer really just means you are a noun that performs an adjective. You "inspire" or "influence" people to do or want things... but to do or want WHAT?

If someone inspires me to try to create popular social media accounts and to have a perfect public image, I want to identify this and delete them.

If my influencers really just lower my self-esteem, if I'm defending my influencers who say their goal is to build people up who then dedicate their entire account to "look at me-me-me" and "support me-me-me"... that just doesn't seem right.

I've realized that the majority of the people I consider influences in my life feel to me two-faced (like they say one thing "I care about you" and focus on another "so look at me"). These are not people I know in person. I have rarely met any of them. When I do meet them the impact they have on me is not a sense of empowerment but as a sense of, "This person is great, popular, has what I want, etc. so I need to impress him or her or I'm doomed."

They inspire me to want to impress them (or to have what they have) and nothing else.

Hardly sounds inspirational when you look it into words, right?

~*~

I would like to contrast this with some of the nearest and dearest people to me in my own life. Two people come to mind especially (my friends Stephanie and Meaghan) when I think of people who bring to life in me IDEAS and fill me with a LOVE for and a JOY for life not with a desire to grasp popularity but with a joy in exploring, analyzing, and simply enjoying literature and ideas... these are the INFLUENCERS I want in my life.

I think two reasons these people I engage with in conversation are such a joy simply to talk to and explore ideas with is that they don't live in the world of social media. They either don't have social media or rarely go on it. It's not a central part of their lives. They would get along just swimmingly in Victorian England :)

It is so rare to find these sorts of people today: people whose very conversation with you is so stimulating that rather than inspiring you to run off and advertise yourself to the world they inspire you to sit in beauty and joy. Life is FASCINATING with these people. I have never met anyone like them.

My hope is that I can FINALLY let go of following all the "influencers" I talk about admiring on social media and YouTube. My best friend once told me there's no real way to be on YouTube without some sort of ego or agenda. I wholeheartedly agree. 

I'm not saying it's going to be easy letting go of these influences. They have become a sort of "go to" / "addiction." They get me to not live in the moment but to live in some world of perfect pictures, popularity contests, and a two-faced asking for attention while telling people you actually care about them. 

They bring me into a world of manipulation where livelihood is driven by "likes" and where you draw people in by pretending to others (and possibly to yourself) that they should support you for their own sake. You ask them for things (views, subscriptions, mail orders, etc.) while saying it's for them.

I think in this ^^ sort of world people don't even realize they're being manipulative, because they've either manipulated or blinded their own selves to seeing the truth (that they convince you to give them things by telling you how much they give you).

~*~

I think identifying and ridding my life of these influencers and replacing my time and attention with appreciating literature and stimulating conversations is the #1 thing I can do in my life to make me into the person I want to become.

So here's to starting... 

7 Things That Have Me Head-Over-Heels For Minnesota (suburbs especially)

One of the greatest things moving out of state has given me is an appreciation for my homeland. That isn't to say there aren't amazing things in other parts of the country/world, but in my personal opinion no place quite compares to home. 

Perhaps that's why Minnesota / the Twin Cities listed by multiple sources as one of the top places to live in the United States. Here's why I love it:

1. The People

I have met fabulous people from all over the United States, but Minnesota is my home base. It is where I have made a varieties dear and loyal friends throughout various stages of my life. So many of these friendships have turned LIFELONG, and my friends are both a joy to spend time with and have a wonderful influence on me.

Oh, and my family's here too which KNOCKS MY SOCKS OFF!

2. The Roads

I have NEVER before had such a great appreciation for midwestern roads in my life -- especially those in Minnesota. At least in the Twin Cities, our roads are typically flat and easy to maneuver, well-lit, and come with nice size shoulders for incase you need to pull over. 

Drivers are also "more often than not" good sports -- I'm not saying we don't have any aggressive drivers -- and do a decent job of taking turns and not tailgating. (Note: This is not all the time. You will find your fare share of tailgaters in Minnesota, but I wouldn't call tailgating the "norm." -- I would also like to warn against people not using turn signals, but from my experience this seems to be a trend all throughout the U.S.)

3. The Geographical Layout (Variety; Proximity; Walking/Biking...) 

Ah, geography. Some people complain about Minnesota being "too flat," but personally I think our flatness makes for easy transportation and great visibility on the road. Walking and biking places is easy to do both in and outside of the city. Most cities and suburbs have sidewalks pretty near everywhere.

Another pro to Minnesota is that we have VARIETY. If you like the busy city feel you can go to downtown Minneapolis or St. Paul, but if you prefer a refreshing break from the hustle-bustle you are just a frogs leap away from beautiful scenery. If you like a balance of being near lovely parks and scenery while also near to stores and activities (all this with a safe and friendly neighborhood feel), there are a plethora of suburbs all around the Twin Cities that provide not only parks and greenery but easy accessibility to shopping and other forms of recreation.

Oh! And Minnesota has an amazing History that we aren't afraid to display through places such as the Mill Ruins Park. Looking for an incredible day for scenery and pictures? The Stone Arch Bridge is a MUST VISIT. It's the PERFECT blend of nature, beautiful architecture, and the city-scape all in one place.

4. The Lakes

Having always lived in the Land of 10,000 Lakes, I've taken driving next to multiple lakes wherever I go for granted. A swim? Easy-peasy. If you like the clear water and chlorine we've got plenty of activity centers with pools, but if you're going for the "au natural" vibe or simply want to take a loop around the lake, we have so many options! Lot of parks and walking trails are situated next to looks, and if you go for even just a mile or two you might get to hike by multiple lakes (all while in a suburb just miles from downtown).

Just want to dip your feet in the water? You can typically either just walk a few blocks or drive a few miles to fill that desire. Boating? Fishing? Looking for a cabin? We've got all of the above. HELLO, SUMMER!

5. The Celebrations / Festivities

Just because we often spend somewhere between 1/2 and 3/4 of the year buried in snow does NOT mean we hide out throughout the year. Minnesotans know how to make the most of any weather. We celebrate each season with a variety of celebrations. On just about any weekend you can look up nearby cities are find one.

Our most popular and iconic attractions include the Minnesota State Fair where we celebrate our Minnesota pride with music, animal exhibits, over 300 food vendors, and more! We also celebrate our culture with the Irish Fest, Polish Fest, Scottish Fest, and more. Come winter we don't stay hidden indoors but go on the town for ice skating, ice sculptures, parades, and yes (more food) at events such as the Saint Paul Winter Carnival, Red Bull Crashed Ice, Holidazzle, and more.

We are a hearty and celebratory crowd year round and know how to make the best out of any season!

6. The Stores

To add to it's geographical genius, the Twin Cities has stores galore. You can often find two to four Walmarts within a ten mile radius. Target is everywhere. And then we've got our beautiful midwestern go-to grocery stories like Cub. Looking for discounts? Aldi is just a few miles away if not across the street. Not only are the prices decent but the produce in our state is robust due to being in such close proximity to the food transportation systems including Highway I-94?

We also have a plethora of shopping malls where you can indulge your retail desires or simply grab a cup of coffee and go for a stores-galore walk.

7. The Schools 

Minnesota has been listed among the top states for public education. We have a plethora of schools with solid academics and stellar graduation rates. Our number of school districts is exceptional and we also have a variety of types of schools including public, private, charter, or immersion.

We also have an incredible number of special education options including a variety of schools created specifically for special education (including Lionsgate, Spero, Carner Blue...) and lots of organizations dedicated to helping people dealing with specific disabilities not only in academic but in social and recreational aspects of their lives.

This is BY NO MEANS an ALL-INCLUSIVE list of the wonderful things Minnesota has to offer. It is merely a list of the first things that come to mind when I think about why I love Minnesota: The North Star State.