When I was in middle school (and into early high school) I reached my peak weight of 140. At this point in my life my anxiety and depression were at their all-time peak and my health was, as a result, at it's lowest.
Come Fall of my junior year of high school, without even intending to, I lost twenty pounds going from 140 to 120. It just so happens that these years of my life were some of my healthiest in terms of mental health and overall physical activity.
Come college, I heard the rumor of "Freshman 15." This girl wasn't going to let that happen. I watched my diet a whee bit but I didn't starve myself either. I went to the gym every day for about an hour. (It's probably worth noting that I was probably more infatuated with keeping my weight down than was healthy. When you work off 1000 calories in one workout..... yeah.) That said, I did not gain the Freshman 15 so that was exciting for me.
All throughout college and into my first two years out of college, my weight typically balanced between 130 and 135. To be honest, sometimes I wasn't eating enough, but this was more-so due to a variety of other things (lethargy, small appetite, etc.) instead of being intentional.
Well, I hit 24 and went through the most stressful two months of my life since my early teens. Around the tail-end of this period my weight suddenly bounced up averaging between 139-141.
Yes - I FREAKED OUT.
My anxiety around weight skyrocketed to the point there I almost felt dizzy with anxiety. I would try to cut back my daily intake from around 2000 calories a day to the 1500 range.
Allow me to explain a little of why freaked out, because there's more to it than one might guess:
When I was at my peak weight of 140 I was going through the most difficult period of my life. In the midst of this period I only had ONE REAL FRIEND in high school. The other kids ignored me and even acted as if I didn't exist. I had an experience in eighth grade where I sat down by a group of about ten peers on the bleachers at a football game and within a minute they ALL stood up and walked away: not acknowledging me and leaving me sitting completely alone.
My next two years of high school didn't get much better.
It wasn't until I transferred to public school my junior year of high school (and had done enough psychological analysis to master the art of making friends and fitting in) that things got better. I finally felt semi-popular. I felt accepted. I had friends from a whole array of groups at school and even fit in with the "popular kids" for a bit until I decided this wasn't quite going to work out for me.
Coincidentally? -- I started putting more effort into my appearance (a hair and make-up transformation), because I finally felt I had something worth showing up looking good for, and, yes, I lost 20 pounds.
As noted above, this weight loss wasn't really intentional (my appetite just suddenly went away for a few weeks), but it did boost my self-esteem.
As a result, I associate my weight with how I have related with the world and people in my life while at that weight.
So when I stepped on the scale a week ago and the scale went all the way up to 141, my heart started pounding faster. In the past if I gain a few pounds and reach say 136 I was able to get back to 133 over the course of a day or two (probably because weight fluctuates some during the day).
In this case, I started paying more attention to my calorie intake (which I had initially started logging to make sure I was eating more than just a "straight carb" diet). The lowest I could get my weight down to was 138 and then it would fly back to 140.
~*~
For people who watch "This Is Us," this might sound like the first episode where Kate goes to a group for overweight people and meets a slender girl named Madison.
You could be thinking, "Sheila, you're so skinny and freaking out over nothing just like Madison."
In some ways you might not be wrong, but my figure and ability to maintain a reasonable body weight over the last eight years of my life is something I have always been proud of. It's something that boosts my self-esteem when I'm feeling low. It's something I feel a sense of control over in a world where I often feel a lack of control.
So here comes Thanksgiving and I'm trying mercilessly to lose 5-10 pounds, BUT I'm also FREAKING OUT so much over my weight that my body trembles and I feel the need to snack. Of course, a snack only confirms the voice in my head saying, "What a loser. You're never going to be skinny again. You've lost it for good" ........
All this said, I am grateful that my mom mentioned to me today that people in their twenties aren't necessarily expected to stay at the same body weight as their teens in order to be healthy. I did a bit of research and loe and behold found an article titled "Ways Every Women's Body Changes In Her Twenties" by Brittany Brolley.
The line that truly stood out to me from this article was:
"While putting on a few pounds may have you thinking about dieting, it's not a great idea. Restricting your caloric intake will actually only make it harder to lose weight, according to Cleveland Clinic nutrition expert Kristin Kirkpatrick. 'The more you diet, the more your metabolism may be negatively impacted,' she explained. Developing healthy eating and exercise patterns is best."
BOOM! WOWZA! Self-acceptance booster much? And, also, this realization brought me the relief that I don't need to be starving myself. Sure, I should watch myself for "overeating," but 2000 calories a day is not bad and could in fact be better for my body than 1500 at this stage in my life.
Working out could be a key to get into my routine to make sure that the pounds I do have are healthy pounds. I truly feel encouraged and wanted to share this with fellow women so they can also know that gaining a few pounds in your 20s is healthy. Would I rather have my "high school body" back? Sure, but having a few extra pounds on the table is NOT something to worry about: it's a sign of health.
Well, readers, that's all for today. May we all live happy and healthy lives with a balanced diet and strong workout routine to support us. :)
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