Lessons Learned

Lessons Learned

There are two way I cope with unfathomable pain. One is humor. I guess it makes me feel like I still have some dignity left if I can laugh about things. The other is finding meaning in seeming failures and meaninglessness.

This past month I experienced the worst trauma I have since childhood. I wanted to back out of a commitment I'd made, but I was too ashamed of how that would make me look. I thought I had to give a reason for cancelling plans, and my reason was too personal for me to feel comfortable sharing it, so I gave in to the plans. I convinced myself "It'll be okay. You're just over-thinking things. Stop being worried. It's not a big deal." (Fun fact: If your mind, body, or anything else is telling you to take a break, RESPECT that.) I wanted so badly to be perfect and to never "flake."

Lesson 1: Listen to your counselor. You NEEEEVER need to give someone a reason (and you never have to be ashamed of your reason). The fact that you don't want to do something--no matter how much seems at stake in the matter (friendships, your pride, etc.)--is enough.

(P.S. Self, I know this will shock you but: fatigue from a hockey injury, deep tissue massage, and PTSD combined...I know this will shock you, but those are totally acceptable reasons to bail on any plans and don't have to be explained.)

Lesson 2: It doesn't matter how many steps you've taken in one direction. That doesn't mean you need to take another. Scrap concern about the money you spent. You're not obligated to do anything due to money or due to shame or even due to having been the one to suggest or commit to something. You can always back out at ANY point.  

Screw people needing reasons for your backing out (even in the  middle of something). Screw concerns that you'll be asked to give reasons or thought ill of. You know you! Just do it! YOUR NEEDS/WANTS ARE VALID and you don't have to prove that to anyone (including yourself)!

Lesson 3: It's okay to push people away. You don't have to put on an act or fear looking rude. If you need to be alone (at ANY moment), be alone. Insist on it. Lock a door. Walk away. "I need to go" is enough to say. Drive away. 

It doesn't mean they are the problem (and if they care about you they'll be able to understand that.) It means you're validating your own needs and feelings. You always deserve your own space. Do not let yourself be guilted out of that belief or make exceptions. 

Lesson 4: BELIEVE YOURSELF. My body was giving me signs the entire week leading up to the break and even more-so that day. (Signs that I was pushing myself to a breaking point. Signs that I wanted to run.) I've done this before. It's how I fainted at summer camp and got myself into various other things. 

I convinced myself "It's not really that bad." and I won't believe myself until I PROVE to myself that it is that bad. (If you're familiar with gaslighting that is basically the story of my childhood. I wish I could say it doesn't ingrain itself in your brain, but brains are fragile and malleable and once they're set in one track (way-of-thinking) even through no conscious choice of their own (kids are vulnerable and take things in and can't be expected to protect themselves), it's very hard to change it.)

(Note to self: If you're concerned that you might be making up just how drastically gaslighting has affected you, remember that when you got hit by a hockey puck at full force but didn't see the puck you actually thought perhaps you had imagined the event. THIS EVENT:

 

The bruising didn't show up right away, so maybe I made up/imagined how bad it was. Welcome to my brain. Denial.

Gaslighting? It really does alter your sense of reality through no fault of your own.)

~*~

I feel shame and fear letting people know how much gaslighting has affected me. It's such a vulnerable part of myself to share, and I'm afraid it makes me look weak and like easy prey, especially for men. But the truth is that the more I push myself to hide this stuff the more I let the shame rule.

My sharing this stuff is actually a sign of my strength. It's a sign that I know myself and am validating myself and my experiences. As counter-intuitive as my brain might want me to think it is, the openness makes me stronger.