SCRUPULOSITY (Spiritual OCD)... FROM THE INSIDE

I have a feeling scrupulosity manifests itself a bit differently for everyone. It want to try to describe it the way I experience it so that if anyone else can relate to any of this you know you are not alone. 

One of my favorite definitions of scrupulosity comes from DefendingTheFaith:

"Scrupulosity is characterized by pathological guilt about moral or religious issues. It is personally distressing, objectively dysfunctional, and often accompanied by significant impairment in social functioning. It is typically conceptualized as a moral or religious form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)...It's a plaguing sense of feeling that one is 'bad', 'guilty', or 'unforgiven.'" - DefendingTheFaith

I experience scrupulosity as a sensation more-so than a thought. I experience it all throughout my body and brain. My scrupulosity (spiritual anxiety) is quite honestly affected not only by the activities I engage in but by the food I put in my body and how much I exercise.

General Feelings Of Guilt 

On a day-to-day basis, I usually experience a sense of being a bad and selfish person. I spend hours on youtube when I know I could be praying. (I spend time on social media to escape anxious thoughts, and yet my time on social media increases my feeling of discontent and "dirtiness.") I don't even set aside time to pray everyday, and I feel dirty knowing this. I am actually sometimes afraid of prayer, because I feel like I will be more susceptible to my anxiety when I open myself up in prayer. 

I also feel that my choice to be a YouTuber and my desire for followers and success in that realm is incompatible with a prayer life. They truly seem incompatible. I feel two-faced if I say yes to both of them, because I come into each of them with completely different mindsets. I don't want to pray one thing and live another way.

If I pray, I will feel guilty for these desires and for acting on them. If I act on them and make youtube videos simply for the thrill of filming and editing and with my (main?) goal being to get subscribers, whilst doing this I must separate from that deep prayer life or I will feel too guilty to go on and will be pulled in half. My guilt will be if I act on my impulses and desires. My guilt will sit before my eyes if I pray. 

An "Episode"

I have described above the general way in which I experience scrupulosity on a daily basis. But this is my "normal." This is my baseline more of less. Unless I go into weeks of detachment from social media and attachment to prayer and spiritual readings, this is typically how I feel.

When I say I want to describe scrupulosity "from the inside," however, I mean I want to describe it from inside an "episode." I don't know if people typically talk about scrupulosity as having "episodes." Anxiety disorders have episodes that we call anxiety attacks, as do panic disorders (panic attacks). 

People with OCD are stereotypically known to go through sorts of "episodes" where they have to repeat an action a certain number of times or say a word or trace and un-trace something to be okay. That said, while I have never heard the term "scrupulosity episode" used before, it seems the most accurate way I can describe my "scrupulosity attacks." These are attacks of feelings inadequacy, of guilt, of dirtiness... and they present themselves in a very specific way through physical sensations.

These episodes don't necessarily happen after I have done something particularly "terrible." I have noticed that I am far more susceptible to them when I eat a lot of junk food, when I am a sloth on the couch for long periods of a time, when I sit in front of screens (worse yet when I sit in front of screens working on perfecting my own social media accounts)...

What I want to do here is simply describe what an episode FEELS like, because the FEELING in one of these episodes is so strong and overwhelming that I can barely get any words to go through my head. The general words or sentences my brain typically has the most access to are "NOT okay," "I want out," or "I'm disgusting." 

I don't usually write poems, but perhaps the sensations are best described in poetry...

I feel like I ought to put a (STOMACH) TRIGGER WARNING here. 

Don't read this while you're eating or in the middle of an anxiety episode. If your stomach is sensitive (or you are not so drawn to the words "stringy" "slimy" and "regurgitate"), you may want to pass on this as well, because the sensations I describe are through brutally honest analogies.

My mouth is dry. My tongue is parched. 

The back of my throat is sensitive

As if my finger were touching it.

Worst of all are my head, stomach, and arms.

My arms feel heavy, SO heavy by my side.

They don't feel wet but there is 

a clammy sensation of disgustingness to them.

It's like there are lead pipes weighing them down

instead of bones.

My fingers and eyes feel dry too.

If I look closely at my hands, 

my fingers might be shaking.

If they're not shaking, 

then the nervous energy is rapped up inside.

Most of that energy is in my arms,

tugging at them and wanting to explode outward

as if I were The Doctor about to regenerate.

My legs feel heavy.

There is lead in them, just like in my arms,

but the lead in both these places TINGLES.

A TERRIBLE tingling sensation

of nervous energy that cannot escape.

A heavy, WEIGHED DOWN tingling:

incongruent with the lead,

worse because of its lightness

like fingers touching the surface of the lead.

I'm trapped in my own body.

My eyes and arms may feel dead, but...

Worse yet. There is my stomach. 

It's hard to picture anything worse than the dead parts,

but my stomach is the most wrenching part of all.

My intestines are worms. 

I can feel the worms wrapped tightly around each other. 

They are trying to wriggle about.

They aren't just in my stomach.

They are in my heart.

My heart is made of wriggly worms, intertwined.

My soul is just like my heart, only more translucent.

Translucent, but showing my true colors...

brown worms wriggling about:

stringy, slimy worms... just like my soul.

I am NOT okay. I am disgusting and dirty.

I will not be okay until I flush all this junk food out of my system and go to confession.

Then I will be fine. But only then.

I'm not going to regurgitate this food up.

It could take hours to be okay.

No use filling myself with good stuff

until the gross "foods" are gone.

The energy in the dead arms has nowhere to go.

My brain is unsettled.

It runs in circles.

Of course it runs in circles,

because "I want to be good but I make bad choices."

I bring this on myself.

I'm trapped. My breaths are shallow and shaky.

I try for deep breaths, but the tingling is still there.

It won't go away.

(My tear sockets are in my brain and throat, not my eyes.)

I need to be flushed out:

physically and spiritually.

I need to be flushed clean.

But don't pity me.

This is all my fault.

I chose this.

I brought this on myself,

because I am dirty.

Fill Your Life With Things That Lift You Up

I has been a whirlwind of a past few weeks when it comes to my social media life.

The story:

For some reason, I suddenly felt like going full force on some of my accounts. I wanted to grow an audience for my YouTube channel, so I started inviting ALL of my Facebook friends to like my Facebook page (thinking I would dedicate it to my YouTube channel)... even though this was 100% contra to what I had decided upon a year ago (aka, wanting to keep my youtube channel and real life separate). Was I really that desperate for the likes? 

Then I freaked out that I was giving people too much access to my online persona/websites/life. I also become worried about what I was portraying on my sites, and most of all concerned with what my motives were for having and publicizing a youtube channel. Let's say I had a mild freak out. 

Thankfully, I was able to think things through to some extent. An initial thought was: Should I delete my pages on Facebook and Instagram? This would be rather impulsive, and I didn't want to repeat the mistake I had made before when I impulsively created these inter-connected pages and invited people to like them. I needed to step back and breath.

Ultimately, I made a decision that I would keep the Facebook page (which I actually created four years ago to dedicate to a website I was starting), but I would not connect that page to my other accounts. Facebook pages can feel less secure than other social media, because you can't really control your audience. There are no options to block certain people or privatize a page. I decided to hold onto Instagram but to keep that page rather "on hold" instead of bombarding it with pictures or content.

What I realized was I had never truly brought this stuff to prayer. I wanted God to be asking me to build myself on social media platforms, because I wanted to be seen. At the root of everything - hiding behind all these excuses of wanting to help people (which weren't false, btw) - was simply the desire to be seen: the desire to feel like somebody.

This whole story is simply an entrance into another thing I realized. I spend a lot of time on social media and a lot of time thinking about social media. In many ways, I don't know how to separate myself from it, because I feel like without social media life is so... empty.

I get tired of being alone but don't want to seem needy. I have this idea imbedded in my head that you're only truly living if people online see what you're doing and give you support and feedback. I know it's not true, but when something becomes internalized it isn't easy to just step out of that mindset.

I feel a lot more attached or in sync with a number of people I watch online. I see the good sides of people on social media or I at least see that they share in my desire to be seen. I feel more supported by them.

I feel like people in my everyday life don't really have time for me, so I go to social media where there is always someone there to entertain me or speak the words of wisdom or encouragement that I want to hear. (FYI, this isn't a rant about my friends not being good friends. It's just a realization that I have something inside of me not being met--whether it's meant to be met, I don't know...)

~*~

All things considered, I don't think I'm going to give up social media altogether. I don't mean that I won't do an occasional social media fast. I LOVE doing those every now and then. 

I simply mean that there is something within me that draws me to social media. I have sometimes wondered if this thing is of God or is pure selfishness. I think it probably has to be a combination of both. 

I don't yet understand what God is calling me to do through social media or how much He is calling me to do on there. I think part of this is because I really don't stop to listen to God all that often. I'm still running from my anxiety or running towards a friendly face and words of affirmation via online.

I don't think this is entirely bad. The not stopping to listen to God part is definitely unhealthy and leads me nowhere. Dedicating more time to prayer and contemplative reading and meeting God in nature or music without social media is definitely something I would like to bring into my life more. It's not easy for a social-media fanatic like me, but it is good. 

That said, I just stated that I don't think where I am now is entirely bad. 

I think God can speak to me and love me through social media platforms so long as I make sure this is not the only way I am letting Him access me. Social media is not a substitute for prayer or reading a book on discernment or something else wholesome, but it can compliment it IF I use it in the right way (and with limitations).

~*~

This leads to the point of this article! If I AM going to enter into the social media world or make it a regular part of my life, let me make sure that I am using it intentionally and positively.

I haven't 100% figured out how I am going to do this, but I have some ideas. For one, I want to look for and find people on social media that both lift me up and bring me towards God. I can already identify a few YouTube channels and Facebook groups that do this. Hopefully I can also identify more Podcasts and Blogs that do this. Perhaps I can connect with those podcasters and bloggers better through Instagram so that I see the positivity and the good on a day-to-day basis.

THIS IS WHERE YOU (MY READERS) COME IN:

If you would like to help me out, please suggest some wholesome YouTubers, Podcasts, Blogs, etc. that you think would help bring a 24-year-old peace and clarity and closer to Christ. They don't have to be entirely about Catholic things, but I want to be following and looking up to wholesome people. :)

Please pray for me on my journey! Pray that I truly take the time to step aside and listen to God's voice. Pray that I use social media in healthy ways that inspire and uplift me and direct me towards God's plan for my life instead of away from it.

Many Blessings To You.

Nonviolent Crisis Intervention and God's Relational Image

A day ago I attended a work training session to become certified in Nonviolent Crisis Intervention (NCI). This is a training often given to people working in prisons, group homes, and in a variety of other settings with vulnerable populations with a high probability of exercising violence. 

For me, I am glad to say that the possible "perpetrators" of violence (for lack of a better word) often only come just above or below my hipline: I'm talking two to seven year olds. Plenty of harm can still be done in this age group both to self and to others--kids are creative!--but the intimidation factor of having someone who towers above me acting violently towards me is thankfully not something I have to deal with on a daily basis. (I'm learning my personal boundaries, and one of those boundaries is that I am fine working with vulnerable and often dysregulated children but do not do well in an atmosphere with regularly violent adults.)

There is a particular thought that has popped into my mind time and time again over the past few months at work. This thought usually pops into my head when a child is screaming at the top of his or her lungs over some seemingly minute incident or expectation or when a child is acting in a harmful way towards himself or me or occasionally another child, often all the while laughing. 

The thought is basically this: "God, this is only a taste of what you have to put up with from us, your children, on a daily basis. How the heck do you put up with us? How the heck are you so patient and loving?" (I think it is important to note that I think this thought with humor not anger: humor coming from the fact that we think we put up with so much while we really have no idea what God - the real MVP! - puts up with.)**

As I reflect on this thought, I often think about how AMAZING it is that God is allowing me to see this world, His work, and His relationship with us in a such a beautiful and explicit light.

SERIOUSLY! No wonder God considering parenthood and the care taking of children and vulnerable populations to be our most important work here on earth. No wonder He holds it in such high regard. As parents and caretakers, we get to experience and participate firsthand in a relationship that mirrors God's very relationship with us. We get to actually see -- whether or not we recognize -- how obnoxious and irrational immature behavior looks, and we get to experience firsthand still providing unconditional love to the one who is causing us so much sorrow, frustration, or pain. Talk about an opportunity to take on God's image! 

What a privilege and what an opportunity to come to know (and appreciate) God's love -- which I should note is far more pure than our love for those we look after or even our own children!

~*~

Throughout NCI training, the way in which we are expected to replicate God became all the more evident to me. 

Naturally, at these training sessions for a secular/public institution, they do not say anything about taking on the image of God. However, there was one point during the session when our trainer said something that could have made my draw drop due to how perfectly and exactly it replicates what God does with and for us every single second of every single day. ***

Our trainer told us that after an incident (whether it involves hitting or biting or screaming profusely), when a child has at last managed to calm his or her body, the child usually feels a mixture of embarrassment and fear. Often, even if not expressed as one would expect externally, their first thought is, "Oh no. I did it again. Will this caretaker give up on me and leave me like others have done?"

One of the most important messages to give these kids after an incident of dysregulation -- whether this be in words or simply actions -- is to tell/show the child, "I forgive you. I am still here for you. I am not going to leave you. I still like you and care about you. We will work through this together."

The basic gist is: SHOW THEM THAT THEY ARE LOVED AND THAT IT IS OK.

What struck me when I reflected on this statement post-training is how in this moment as a caretaker you know the child can and even probably will perform the dangerous or hurtful action again. The child may not have the words to apologize or know how to show his or her remorse. On top of all this, there is a strong probability that tomorrow, or even in an hour or five minutes, the child will once again scream, hit you, or try to run away from you...

Yet your absolute NUMBER ONE FOCUS at the time is to assure the child that you still love them and care about them and that you are not going to leave them. Your response to their violent or hurtful action is love and comfort and a desire to help the child develop the skills and tools to express himself or herself in a healthier way.

Did you miss that? If so, read it again. 

Your response to their violent or hurtful action is love and comfort and a desire to help the child develop the skills and tools to express himself or herself in a healthier way.

Does that not sound EXACTLY like God the Father? Is that not a perfect example of taking on God's image? Of following God's model? This happens every day, and we don't even realize it. When we sin, we inflict a wound on Christ and pierce the heart of God the Father... but God's response isn't vengeful. 

His response may not be pleasant as He puts His foot down and lovingly removes us from that which has great potential to cause us harm. His response to our whining, our screaming, our intentionally or unintentionally violent hitting may not be a "Yes. Go ahead." But His focus is never to hurt us. His focus isn't on what we have done to Him. His focus is on healing the relationship, on bandaging wounds. His focus is on helping, on loving, on providing comfort. 

God is PURE love, and this is what pure love looks like.

~*~

The moral of this whole story is the obvious takeaway message, but to me there is more. To me this training (and my day-to-day experiences in day treatment) provided me with not only an AMAZING example of how we act towards God and what God does for us every day. 

Equally as importantly, it showed me how passionately the Father loves me. He wants so badly for me to KNOW Him that He has placed in me in a situation where He can reveal these secrets to me. It shows me that God is ultimately CREATIVE. He will meet us where we are at and show us what He wants us to see.

What a PRIVILEGE it is to act in a role that so perfectly mimics this relationship. That a PRIVILEGE it is to have this daily reminder of how our relationship with God works. What a PRIVILEGE it is that God wants to let me know Him so much that He has offered me a role where I can partake in His work and see (not perfectly but better) what He sees.

My hope for you is that, in reading this blog, you are better able to see God's wonderful work, His fingerprints, and the opportunities for insight that He puts into your life whether you work with children, other vulnerable populations, or in a completely different field. Somehow, in your workplace, God is revealing Himself to you. Don't be afraid to let Him dig deeply into your heart and open your eyes so that you can say, "I see it too, God. I see it."

POST-SCRIPT / FOOT NOTES

**Often I cope with difficult situations at work by either distancing myself from them (the focus here is on maintaining steady breathing and not responding to the situation in a way that may escalate it) or by exercising internal humor (not the key word "internal" --> outwardly laughing when someone is in pain or is seeking that attention is the LAST thing you should do). 

***I think the most important message I took with me from training was a reminder (actually, something I hadn't thought about before) that the child who just slapped your face or spat in your eye or tried to take a chunk out of your wrist almost 100% of the time feels afraid and embarrassed after the fact. It's so easy to forget, when working with children with autism, that they have the same emotions and regrets that we have even if they don't know how to express their regrets or express what lead them to act aggressively. 

It's Not Just An Out-Of-Date Idea, It's A Lost Way-Of-Life

I've been car shopping lately and have received some less-than-respectful jabs when salespeople hear that one of the qualifications for my new car is that it have a CD player. 

https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2012/12/04/best-selling-cars-2012/1745385/

"Why do you want a CD player?" "It has Bluetooth! You don't need that" The most upsetting one is the mocking: "You want a CD player?"

Yes, I do. And what if I do want to maintain a piece of my childhood? Since when did all respect for and appreciation for the past go away? When salespeople respond in this rude manner I feel like they are mocking my very cultural background.

I'm an old-soul born in 1995. I grew up on movies from the 1950s and 1960s: Yours, Mine, and Ours starring Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda and a plethora of Gene Kelly musicals. When I was born we were using video cassettes and tapes. I remember seeing adds about flip phones, and when I got my first flip phone in eighth grade I was stoked. 

By the time I turned ten, CDs and DVDs were replacing cassette tapes. It took me some time to warm up to these new ideas but eventually I did. I gradually came to like the new features. And not having to rewind was a nice bonus! Not long after that, phones with slide-out keyboards started to come out, and I thought those were the coolest phones ever. 

However, when I see moving from CDs to MP3 Players, from DVDs to Netflix, and from qwerty phones to smart phones, I see something different happening. I see our way-of-life and our way of CONSUMPTION completely changing.

Part of my love for the old is a nostalgia, and there's nothing wrong with that! Nostalgia ought to be an acceptable excuse when it comes to choices in media intake. That said, there's something more going on here.

https://www.123rf.com/photo_79080974_dvd-cd-rom-on-a-computer-opened-to-show-disc-top-view.html

https://www.theverge.com/2017/7/11/15953012/spotify-marketing-data-listening-habits

Think of what is happening to our culture as Netflix and YouTube (yes, I'm guilty of addiction to the latter one) replace DVDs. We no longer intentionally go to the library or search through a plethora of DVDs to find the one that we've been wanting to see. 

The intentionality has gone out of it. People scroll through Netflix completely absentmindedly. They get so lost in this never-ending world of media consumption that they stop appreciating or intentionally choosing what is in front of them. In thinking they gain control of their choices, people actually lose control as large media outlets swarm their screens and news feeds with an endless plethora of entertainment and information they want to feed into their brains. Presence in time and place is lost as our brains become addicted to taking in more and more information and entertainment. The content of that information becomes less important to us than the amount of information we take in.

(FYI, Netflix addiction has become an official diagnosis. I could insert links about it into this blog post and with a click of a mouse... or cursor... you could instantly be transported into an entirely different world on the internet, but I would rather you remain focused on one argument and piece of information at a time. In this world of right and left click transportation, we can't keep our minds in one place at one time. We are actually losing the ability to do so as with the click of a cursor we can be transported into a new world of thoughts and ideas while forgetting where we started in the first place.)

Speaking of juggling multiple thoughts, let's get back to what we were talking about --> forms of media intake and their effects on people.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jq7LO_GTzVg

https://www.123rf.com/photo_79080974_dvd-cd-rom-on-a-computer-opened-to-show-disc-top-view.html

There's a term used for a treatment of anxiety called grounding. It involves conscious presence in time and space (a lost art). When a person practices grounding, they intentionally concentrate on the present moment using their five senses. They become aware of the textures around them or the movement of the air (touch). They examine what odors they are taking in (smell) and the distinct flavors activating their taste buds (taste). They look closely at the colors and shades of things around them (sight). They listen for the sound of a soft breeze, gentle music, or white noise in the background (hearing). They become AWARE of where they are and how they interact with the things around them.

This is something I think we lose as we enter into the digital age of smart phones, MP3 players, and Netflix binging. We become like the machines we are using: automated. Why are we so blind to this?

I know from personal experience that this is the case. When I go on YouTube, I never stop clicking. Sometimes I'm only partway through one video when I notice another video in the sidebar that intrigues me. With a simple click, I abandon my train of thought and look for something more stimulating. Even if the next video is interesting, something on my new sidebar might look more interesting, and all it takes is a click to transport myself mid-thought or mid-sentence into a whole different world.

We begin to live in a world of incomplete thoughts and incoherent thinking.

If you still don't think modern, media consumption methods are having this effect on our brains, just look at people with smart phones (yourself almost certainly included). Do you really think the person sitting in that corner of the airport on their iPhone sat down with a certain set of information that will take two hours to scroll through in mind? Possibly but very unlikely.

Picture yourself on Facebook, absentmindedly resetting your News Feed. In most cases, you're not intentionally looking for a specific piece of information to inform a train of thought. You just want information: any information will do. And if one piece of information does catch your eye, it will only be on your mind for a moment before you continue scrolling mindlessly (trying to fill some mysterious, empty void within you).

You may be wondering how on earth any of this information has to do with CD and DVD players. (I promise I didn't simply lose my train of thought.)

The case is simple. Put your iPod on shuffle, and there will be no predictable twists and turns in your journey of music for the next half hour. The brain becomes less accustomed to a pattern of thought (or, in this case, a pattern of tunes) and instead becomes accustomed to randomly firing in unpredictable ways.

...or perhaps you're NOT on shuffle, but you sat down in your car thinking that you wanted to listen to Selena Gomez's newest CD only to notice that you also have playlists for Taylor Swift and Demi Lovato that actually sound rather interesting. It's "the side bar effect" again. Forget what you had in mind; you're driven by impulse. In an instant, you forget the playlist you intended to listen to and switch to a different track.

In the moment, this might not seem like a disaster, and in the big realm of things it's not. But I think it's worth taking note that it is becoming more and more common to not stick to our original intentions but to instead act on impulse. This makes us very unpredictable people. I don't just mean it's hard for other people to predict your next move. I mean it becomes hard for you to predict or even to control your next move.

Isn't this growing anomaly a bit disturbing?

When it all comes down to it, my argument is that in a world of smart phones, MP3 players, and Netflix we start to lose our presence in-the-moment, and we start to act on impulse. We stop exercising our God-given ability to reason through things as we simply take in the next tempting thing that comes our way.

We begin to live in an absentminded state and, although this state-of-mind may start out as a choice, it gradually becomes our default state. We hibernate from intentionality and from step-by-step, forward/coherent thinking.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=327upEeFC2c

When I say I want a CD player in my car, I am saying a whole lot more. I am saying that I want to maintain some predictability and coherence in my life. I am saying that I want to live with intentionality and presence. I want to live in-the-moment. I'm saying that I want to appreciate one piece of art at a time (in it's fullness). I want all of this... with a bit of nostalgia to go with it.

Please respect that.

As we lose our ability to reason, don't you think we lose a very piece of the humanity that God gave us? Let's become what God made us to be rather than growing into the idols that we make.

New Year 2019

I would like to begin by reflecting on my 2018 New Years Resolutions. Feel free to skip ahead if you would rather go straight to my new goals:

1. Letting God love me.

I believe I'm becoming more at peace with needing to depend on others. I definitely don't beat myself up for this the way I used to. (In fact, I forgot I used to do this!) My feelings of guilt have lessened, and that is a blessing from God. I have learned to embrace that dependence can be a gift from God. I'm not saying I'm 100%, but the way I even think about these things is so different from how I did a year ago! Some of the most lovable people I know are among the most dependent.

2. Communication, self-care, self-regulation.

I've definitely taken steps to try to improve in this area. I think my inner voice is more accepting and less critical which is good. One of my biggest resolves in 2018 was to become more forward / a better self-advocate. This means speaking my mind and speaking up for myself in uncomfortable situations. I have certainly gotten better at this though by no means perfect. Being forward hasn't always resulted in the most desirable outcome in regard to some relationships, but I am proud of myself for standing up for myself (more) and not being (as) afraid to disagree with others. 

Self-care is still a struggle, but a lot of this has to do with finding remedies for conditions I am living with. I will talk more about proactively addressing these things later. When it comes to self-regulation, I have gained SO MANY skills thanks to my therapist who has walked me through addressing unhealthy thinking patterns so that I can pause, pinpoint, and address an unhealthy thinking pattern when it comes. I have grown SO MUCH in therapy! Regulating my body is still hard, but much of that is due to physical reactions. I will also talk more about this later.

3. Not simply giving into the "it's easier without people" mindset.

I've been very proactive in this area of my life in 2018, and it has been an interesting journey! I tried attending multiple young adult groups throughout the year. Some of these groups I felt were actually leading me farther from my faith and not closer. In August I finally found a group that I felt more at peace with. I liked the structure of the gatherings and a number of the topics discussed. God has even given me unexpected help through insights from fellow small group members.

2019

Last year I wrote, "Christ longs for me to experience my brokenness not so that I can wallow in self-anger or shame but so that I can experience the calming magnificence of His presence, His love for me, His gentleness, His patience, His LOVE."

This is powerful to reflect on at this current point my life. 2018 has certainly ended with a great deal of brokenness. I promised above that I would touch on self-care and self-regulation. These will remain two of my big goals in the year to come, but I would like to frame them in a new light.

As noted above, self-care and self-regulation have been hard because I am currently dealing with a lot of physical conditions that we have yet to figure out and get under control. Emotionally, wounds are being triggered and added to the tapestry of my life.

I ended 2018 seeing a doctor who was borderline abusive, and this has been very hard on me. Along with that (and partially due to that) symptoms I have dealt with in the past have skyrocketed: fluctuating body temperature, weakness and dizziness, breathing difficulties, panic attacks, anxiety attacks... you name it.

One of the hardest battles I am fighting right now is finding a physician who will take my symptoms seriously and not simply dismiss them with remarks such as "you look fine," "I think it's just your anxiety," "couldn't find anything," "you have GERD, so you should adjust your bed and avoid certain foods."

My therapist has encouraged me to, when a doctor says, "Well, the tests came back negative. It wasn't that," respond with, "Alright. What's next?" <-- a proactive question that won't take "Sorry. You're a mystery and we're done testing/looking. We can't help you" as an answer. 

I guess, as I look in on last year's goals, this could fall into the category of self-advocacy. The truth is that doctors will give up on you if you let them. They will shrug you off as if you're not important enough or valid enough to find answers for.

If the gastroenterologist won't help you, look for a different gastroenterologist or a different kind of doctor. If the psychiatrist won't continue to help you, look for a different psychiatrist of a different kind of doctor.

The key is: DON'T GIVE UP!!!

So this is my goal for 2019: not to simply take (a doctor's) "no" for an answer.

I don't want that to be my only goal. I want to have spiritual goals and things of that sort, but we all need to start from step one, and mine is getting a proper diagnosis and remedies. If I'm going to be up until 2 or 3AM for the rest of my life so be it, but I want to understand why. I want a certain level of control of my body back, and this could involve medications. (I want ones that are effective.) I want treatment that is effective. I don't want to be told to make simple life changes that I can't make until my physical symptoms are addressed. 

I want a plan for action to attack one piece of debilitation before the other. 

Would I like to steps even further forward in my life? Find a partner who will someday become my spouse? Raise a family of my own? Yes. But it's one step at a time. I think that's why God has asked me to wait on these things. There are so many unknowns where I want answers and solutions. 

If I'm not able to keep food in my stomach and maintain a healthy diet, how am I going to someday have a healthy pregnancy? If I'm staying up until the mid-morning hours dealing with panic attacks, how am I going to be able to be there for my spouse and kids?

It's one step at a time, so this is my plan of action for the new year: 

Trust in the Lord and don't give up!

Oh My Oh My, Moving Beyond The High School High

Every so often I go into an obsessive phase where I idolize high school. I was hesitant to use the world "idolize" at first, because it just shows how wrong this obsession is. (KEY WORD: Idol.) 

I went through a phase last summer that was pretty intense and just recently started to obsess over high school things again: wanting to know how people are doing, if I'm cool enough, if I'm on top of things, if I'm caught up in life. All that silliness. I told my counselor it's obviously a coping mechanism that I've digressed back to my high-school-obsessed phase, but I'm not yet sure what it is I'm avoiding.

Regardless, when this phase comes around I remember how much potential I had in high school. I remember how many people I managed to get along with from pretty much every crowd at school. I remember the highs I felt and my obsessiveness with boys and popularity and making other girls jealous. I especially remember that for TWO YEARS of my life I never went to the doctor with a high depression or anxiety diagnosis. 

Those are the things I remember. I've sort of got my blinders on, but it's sort of true that I really was that happy in high school. I felt empowered. Somehow I managed to do something that I have never been able to do without a struggle in other periods of my life --> I got up early looking forward to the morning ahead of me.

This is how I remember high school, and I crave to go to my high school reunion just less than half a decade from now still that girl that other girls envy, that guys think is cool, etc. etc. So on top of life and in everyone's good graces with lots of hugs and "OMG, how are you?!"s

I let myself go into this high -- this obsessive research and reaching-reaching-reaching for those affirmations -- because for the most part it feels good. It occupies my brain and keeps me from feeling that nothingness, sadness, aloneness...

~*~

But then I remember something, and this memory remarkably enough cheers me up. I remember that after I graduated high school rumors went around in the class after me. I remember learning about these rumors from a friend one day from my entirely separate world at college and laughing, because what else can you do? Laughing because people were dumb enough to still think I was in high school and to make gossip about me. Laughing that they thought they were so smart. Laughing that I was free and unaffected. Laughing that they didn't seem to know this. That I had gotten out too soon.

And then I realize... hah. Maybe this world I fantasize about really isn't that worth fighting to keep tabs on and impress. (I've known this all along, but the emotional acceptance of this freedom feels so good.)

Maybe I've forgotten what I got away from and the reason for some of the choices I made. I forgot why I defriended so many high schoolers. I forgot how shockingly upsetting some of the jokes and views that these people carry/carried are or were. Jokes about condoms? So over that. Fighting for the right to... kill? Oh right. That's why I drew the line when it came to choosing certain friend groups in high school! That's why I defriended certain people. Not that it was some valiant move on my part, but I realized that I had found something even better.

So, now that I've realized what a laugh so much of this stuff is and how forgetful and silly I sometimes can be... hopefully this will help me to let go of this silly idolization, because I see how much more fulfilling the life I live is now. 

Because life for Jesus is real life, and living life to impress these high school folks is fleeting to say the least. Not only is it fleeting, but it's silly to think I would be better staying in that world when I remember how rumors came after my graduation, or when I realize that things went beyond partying and immodesty to jokes about abortion or contraception or unmentionables (and they still do with some people), when I realize that people who looked so put together in high school are really just trying to find themselves now.

BREATH. Thank GOD I have a LIFE TO LIVE AFTER HIGH SCHOOL! A life with purpose. A life focused on Him. A life for more than the temporal. A calling that God has specially given me with my specific talents and struggles and strengths, experiences, insights... A calling yet to unfold. 

A life for prayer and Jesus... looking forward to someday entering into THE LIFE OF THE TRINITY.

What does it mean to "renounce the world" TWENY-FIRST CENTURY STYLE?

The more I read the book of Isaiah, the more God's call becomes clear in our day and age. He calls us to renounce the world in order to give God that place in our hearts, yet it is no much more popular today among Protestants and Catholics alike to try to simply "make room" for Him in our daily lives: to have wild parties and then go sing Praise and Worship songs. 

Instead of conforming our lives to the Lord, we try to fit Him in here and there.

But God doesn't call for the easy path: to a path where everyone around you will support you and like you. In order to enter into Christ's life, we are called to renounce the ways of the world. What does that mean in our day and age?

The more I read the Word of God and take classes that study the Catechism and Christ's call, the more clearly I hear this message:

1. Do not listen to or dance to immoral music.
This includes on your commute to work or when relaxing with friends at the end of the week or at wedding receptions.

There is a pretty strong chance that if you turn on 97.1 or 101.3 you will hear less than moral music. You will hear songs that use crude language, songs that objectify the other, songs that focus on pleasure and the self. God doesn't say to only renounce the ways of the world "when no one else is doing that stuff" or "when it doesn't feel awkward." 

So even if you're Praise and Worship friends are going out to a club or hosting a banger at their house after-the-fact... don't join in! And offer that sacrifice to the Lord.

If you're like me, that Ariana Grande song may be tempting. You may feel like a party pooper not dancing to Shakira at the wedding reception. You may feel a strong temptation to rock those moves to Apple Bottom Jeans or Shots, but think again. Is this bringing glory to God, or is it celebrating a world apart from Him and His ways?

2. Do not watch TV or films that involve rude humor, unnecessary levels of violence, or an immoral way of life.

Keep in mind that just because a show is incredibly popular doesn't mean it is good. When you watch a show, be attentive to where it is taking your thoughts. 

Are you taking pleasure in another person's misery? Are you objectifying certain characters?

Are the characters or show hosts/contestants living virtuous lives? What are they teaching you about their lifestyle?

What are the films messages about self-sacrifice, respectful relationships, the role of sex?

Be attentive to in-your-face ideas or forms of publicity. For example, the word "idol" in American Idol should be taken seriously, as God admonishes the idolizing of created things (whether people or objects) all throughout the Bible. If other shows promote this sort of show that is also a read flag, as both are celebrating a similar message.

Also keep in mind that a decent show can still take you away from God if it is consuming so much of your time and/or brain space that you don't have much time to give to God.

Some questions to ask yourself before turning of the TV or opening the computer are: 

Are you glorifying God by watching this show? Is God happily watching this show with you? How does your watching this show affect your relationship with God? Does it strengthen, weaken, or stagnate it?

3. Watch what, how much, and why you drink.
Among other things, God specially warns against unhealthy drinking in the Bible (Isaiah 5:22 etc). He doesn't say "don't drink at all"--think the Wedding Feast at Cana--but he calls us to be very conscious about how we approach things of this world: drinking included.

Some of the most import things to consider when partaking in alcoholic beverages are how much you are drinking and why you are drinking. Today common reasons for drinking are to fit in and be popular, to act rebelliously (as a means of showing off or to attract attention), and to numb feelings. This reasoning doesn't exclude circles of Protestants or Catholics.

When entering into a circle that promotes alcohol consumption, keep some of these questions in mind --> What role is alcohol playing in this environment? Is it leading to a crazy and chaotic atmosphere? Is it celebrating a rebel against authorities? Is it to show off and draw attention? Are people looked down on for not drinking? Is it simply to partake in one of God's simple pleasures without going overboard?

Keep in mind your surroundings when you chose to consume alcohol or hang out in an environment where alcohol is offered. Is their loud immoral music playing in the background? Are people dancing provocatively or making jokes out of each other? Or is the atmosphere calm and serene with conversations that involve proper use of the intellect and brings glory to God?

4. Avoid spending too much time on the internet with social media (and the like).

Question: Is it sinful to spend time on the internet? 

Answer: No; just as drinking in and of itself isn't bad. 

It's when we thoughtlessly waste too much time on the internet or when we use it for unhealthy purposes or catch it leading us into sin... this is where red flags show up.

Social media especially is prone to leading us into thoughts of comparison that God does not call us to. Social media provides temptations to show off and to try to "one up" other people. (I know, because I am guilty.)

Even on the occasions when we are not led into these temptations --when we do not feel the need to show off or compare ourself to others-- it can lead us to sins including sloth. Remember that a sin is something that interferes with our relationship with God. Personally, I can watch five hours of YouTube a day and not realize it until I look at the clock. (Even half an hour a day would be means for reevaluating use of one's time.)

I flock to my computer rather than to prayer when I am feeling overwhelmed with unhappy thoughts. I am looking for a distraction and this is exactly what social media provides me with. But in that distraction not only do 1) I avoid things that it could be helpful to address and 2) avoid spending time in the SILENCE that God calls me to hear His voice...

I also quickly get caught up in the life of the world. I start watching music videos or vlogs that promote false perfection, superficiality, and Hollywood life. I start to idolize people on the internet or strive to become more like them rather than more like God. I start to worry about how my friends or followers lives seem to be "moving along" so smoothly while mine feels so "stagnant."

Screen time does effect and can rewire parts of the brain. The more it takes on the role of filling every empty moment (rather than giving that time to Our Lord), the harder it becomes to even enter into quiet moments of meditation. It becomes hard to quiet one's mind when one wants to. After scrolling through a news feed for an hour or even ten minutes, it becomes harder for our brain to switch off the news feed even when we want to. Our brain is constantly talking and moving, and this leaves less room for God to do His work.

Let's take the time to turn off our computers for a considerable length of time or to delete these apps altogether. Our brains are much more open to authentic receptivity when we spend our time in conversation with friends or reading a book or going for a walk, etc. etc. Let's make sure to live in moderation and to "turn off" our social media is order to "turn on" God's voice.

So now that you've made more room for Jesus, what DO you fill this time with...?

There are a plethora of things you could do, but here are just a few ideas:

PRAY: There are so many ways to pray. One could journal in the Lord's presence, confide one's hopes and fears to the Lord, read Scripture, meditate on a mystery of Christ's life, pray the Rosary or Divine Mercy Chaplet, sit before the Blessed Sacrament, sing songs of Praise and Worship, write poetry to the Lord... Regardless of the form of prayer, this time brings glory to God and opens up space for God's grace to infiltrate our hearts and enter into our lives.

Go On Coffee Dates: Whether you grab coffee, go out for a meal, or go for a walk, spending time with friends is one of the most enriching ways to spend one's time. You get to embark on the journey of life together and share in each other's joys and sorrows. You can have deep conversations with friends whether those be about faith, work, your stage in life, hobbies, or other topics that are of interest. Catching up with and sharing your heart with a friend is always a great way to spend one's time.

Play An Instrument: Whether you having been playing since childhood or are just now picking up an instrument, playing music is a great way to enjoy one's time and to bring glory to God. Classical music can be especially calming for the brain, but there are a variety of fun genres to engage in whether you're playing Praise and Worship music, polkas, holiday songs, or modern-day songs that are not contrary to God's Will. You could even compose something of your own!

Read A Book: There are so many great books out there whether fiction of non-fiction! You could pick a top that interests you and do some research, or you could pick out a novel or adventure book. If you're having a hard time finding books to read look through the classics, browse your nearby library, or ask for recommendations for spiritual reading. As ever, focus on books that bring glory to God versus books that preach a message contrary to His word.

Adventure Outside: God created a beautiful universe, and He would do it all again even if it were just for you! Enjoy His creation whether that means going for a walk down the block or at a local park or planning a skiing and snowboarding adventure. Every day is a new day to experience God's love through His beautiful creation, and we bring Him glory by appreciating the amazing gifts He has given us in nature. 

Take A Class: Okay; it's not always the easiest thing to do economically, but learning alongside others can be a wonderful adventure. This could involve learning a new sport, picking up a new hobby, reading the Catechism. You could look for local classes in your community or programs through your Church. Bring glory to God through exercising your intellect! You could also bring together a book study or Bible study. You could take a class that will help to improve your performance at work or the class entirely un-work-related. If you have special skills to share with others, you might even get the opportunity to teach a class.

Volunteer: Volunteer opportunities are all over the place, and the hardest and most vital step is simply doing your research and reaching out or applying. Sometimes volunteer opportunities are simple. Perhaps you're helping out a neighbor in need. Perhaps your visiting people in nursing homes whether independently or with a group. Perhaps you're sharing your talents through a free performance somewhere. Perhaps you're helping to feed the hungry. Your spare time provides you with a GREAT opportunity to exercise the Corporal Works of Mercy.

Play With A Pet: Our furry friends (or scalely friends or whatever form of friends you have from the animal world) can provide us with so many moments of pure joy and affection. One of the first things God called man to was to look after His creatures, and thankfully he has made these creatures just so freaking adorable that the task can often be considered a pleasure. Whether it's your cat or dog or mouse or lizard, you can find great enjoyment and fulfillment in spending time with your pets whether that be watching them, cuddling with them, or playing games with them. I guarantee you will feel more fulfillment after an hour with your pet than after an hour on social media.

Lastly, I encourage you to find friends who share these values (which is no easy task) or to perhaps invite your friends who don't necessarily share these values to do these things with you. What a great way to help others to develop healthy lifestyle and to live a life that prepares you for Heaven and gives glory to God!

No one is going to live these values out perfectly, but it is a wonderful thing when you meet someone who actually STRIVES too live them out, someone who confesses to Christ's call being so radical, someone who doesn't try to make excuses or look for times to "turn off" their conscience. 

There may be few people out there who share these values, but don't make that a reason for you to cave and sweep these values under the rug as well. The revival of God's true call must start with the example of one person. Lead by example as a true light of God's Word.