Blessings From Raindrops: Finding The Good Amidst COVID-19

I would like to start off by saying that this post is not in any WAY, SHAPE, or FORM meant to devalidate the stress people are undergoing or the feelings of grief, sadness, or hopelessness people may be experiencing. First and foremost, I want you to know that it's ok to cry. Yet, at the same time...

In a time when many people are feeling hopeless, I think it is important to not lose sight of the fact that God can bring GREAT THINGS from dire or SEEMINGLY HOPELESS circumstances.

"God causes all things to work together for His glory." 

(Rom. 8:28)

Here are some beautiful things we can appreciate right away in the midst of the coronavirus:

1. Increased Appreciation For Things We Have

Many of us have been living in a world where it is easy to take things for granted: food, employment, housing, running water, high-quality medical care, transportation, even social interaction. In this time of unrest, many people are losing these things. 

I picked up a habit last Fall (which I have been negligent in recently) called Gratitude Journaling. One way to do this is to grab a notebook and make two rows of letters starting from A and ending with Z. Next to each letter list something (or things) starting with that letter that you are grateful for in your life.

This method can work well for a Type A personality, but feel free to give your journal as much or as little structure as you would like. 

Regardless of whether you pick up this habit or a similar habit...

I have a feeling that many of us are NOT going to take things for granted the way we used to. Employment? Restaurants? A plethora of food choices? Social interaction? 

Many people are going to be hit harder than others. As new struggles are faced and sacrifices are made, let's not take for granted the blessings we do have or the good that is still in the world.

2. Creative, Random Acts Of Kindness / Works Of Mercy

As noted above, many people are going to be hit harder than others. In the midst of these new struggles come many new opportunities to practice the works of mercy.

Sure, we may have to get creative. I don't think gathering hundreds of people into a soup kitchen is going be the most popular method at the moment,

but we can find other ways to reach people whether that be:

1. buying supplies for someone 

2. providing childcare for someone while they look for a job

3. reaching out to someone you know is socially isolated with a phone call or a similar method of communication

etc.

... The options far building connection are pretty much limitless in the twenty first century.

3. An Increase In Worldwide Prayer

Different parts of the world are doing different things in response to the coronavirus outbreak. One thing I have found many groups of people doing is uniting (not physically) in prayer for all the people whose lives are being negatively affected by the coronavirus outbreak. 

This doesn't mean simply praying for those who are ill. This means praying for those who have lost a job and are struggling to pay their bills, those who have lost childcare but still need to go to work everyday to provide for their families, elderly people whose social contact with the outside world is becoming all-the-more-drastically limited, kids who are falling behind in school or who don't know what to expect as they approach much-anticipated events such as proms and graduations, couples who are having to postpone and re-plan their weddings, etc.

I've seen people creating Facebook events to unite in prayer (again, not physically) on certain nights or at certain times. I know the Archbishop of my archdiocese has called for an additional day of fasting and prayer for all those being directly or indirectly affected by the coronavirus outbreak.

One of my hopes is that many people who have been far from their faith for years will take this as an opportunity to reconnect with their faith as they enter into prayer and bring God their petitions.

4. A New, Unifying Connection

The battle we're fighting right now is unique in that EVERYONE (I mean everyone in the world) is united against one common enemy: the disease. For once, the world may be at war but it is fighting as a unified whole. I recently read a post on Instagram that brought this to my attention.

Ironically, at a time when we may be pulling back on physical touch, we now have a new connection, a common enemy, that we can work together to fight.

If you think about it, the world is divided in so many things right now. There are different ideologies between countries and even within countries. I think it is very important that people be allowed these differences, and yet the difficulty lately has been HOW ostracized groups are from each other: just look at the Republican and Democratic parties.

Because we see people who are different from us as "other" and as "enemies," we constantly have our guard up, are distrusting, and are unable to find common ground and to really discuss out beliefs in a respectful, civilized way. 

But think about it. For once the ENTIRE WORLD is at war, and the entire world has ONE. COMMON. ENEMY. I hope that through the coronavirus we are able to set aside our differences enough to say: "I'm your brother or sister. I'm by your side. I can relate. We are humanity. Let's fight this together." For once, can we actually step back far enough to see our shared humanity and to unite in fighting something together?

~*~

So that's my pep talk for today, and this is my abrupt ending. I hope this article has given you even the slightest glimmer or hope and has helped reorient your mind even in just the slightest way to remember that there IS still good in the world, God is GREATER than all our problems, and God can work through even the greatest of our problems for EVERYONE'S greater good.

{And yes, this post was titled after the song Blessings by Laura Story. If you haven't yet heard it, you should give it a listen!}

My Relationship With My Body Weight (Is Gaining A Few Pounds In Your 20s Bad?)

When I was in middle school (and into early high school) I reached my peak weight of 140. At this point in my life my anxiety and depression were at their all-time peak and my health was, as a result, at it's lowest. 

Come Fall of my junior year of high school, without even intending to, I lost twenty pounds going from 140 to 120. It just so happens that these years of my life were some of my healthiest in terms of mental health and overall physical activity. 

Come college, I heard the rumor of "Freshman 15." This girl wasn't going to let that happen. I watched my diet a whee bit but I didn't starve myself either. I went to the gym every day for about an hour. (It's probably worth noting that I was probably more infatuated with keeping my weight down than was healthy. When you work off 1000 calories in one workout..... yeah.) That said, I did not gain the Freshman 15 so that was exciting for me.

All throughout college and into my first two years out of college, my weight typically balanced between 130 and 135. To be honest, sometimes I wasn't eating enough, but this was more-so due to a variety of other things (lethargy, small appetite, etc.) instead of being intentional.

Well, I hit 24 and went through the most stressful two months of my life since my early teens. Around the tail-end of this period my weight suddenly bounced up averaging between 139-141. 

Yes - I FREAKED OUT. 

My anxiety around weight skyrocketed to the point there I almost felt dizzy with anxiety. I would try to cut back my daily intake from around 2000 calories a day to the 1500 range.

Allow me to explain a little of why freaked out, because there's more to it than one might guess:

When I was at my peak weight of 140 I was going through the most difficult period of my life. In the midst of this period I only had ONE REAL FRIEND in high school. The other kids ignored me and even acted as if I didn't exist. I had an experience in eighth grade where I sat down by a group of about ten peers on the bleachers at a football game and within a minute they ALL stood up and walked away: not acknowledging me and leaving me sitting completely alone.

My next two years of high school didn't get much better.

It wasn't until I transferred to public school my junior year of high school (and had done enough psychological analysis to master the art of making friends and fitting in) that things got better. I finally felt semi-popular. I felt accepted. I had friends from a whole array of groups at school and even fit in with the "popular kids" for a bit until I decided this wasn't quite going to work out for me.

Coincidentally? -- I started putting more effort into my appearance (a hair and make-up transformation), because I finally felt I had something worth showing up looking good for, and, yes, I lost 20 pounds.

As noted above, this weight loss wasn't really intentional (my appetite just suddenly went away for a few weeks), but it did boost my self-esteem. 

As a result, I associate my weight with how I have related with the world and people in my life while at that weight. 

So when I stepped on the scale a week ago and the scale went all the way up to 141, my heart started pounding faster. In the past if I gain a few pounds and reach say 136 I was able to get back to 133 over the course of a day or two (probably because weight fluctuates some during the day).

In this case, I started paying more attention to my calorie intake (which I had initially started logging to make sure I was eating more than just a "straight carb" diet). The lowest I could get my weight down to was 138 and then it would fly back to 140.

~*~

For people who watch "This Is Us," this might sound like the first episode where Kate goes to a group for overweight people and meets a slender girl named Madison.

You could be thinking, "Sheila, you're so skinny and freaking out over nothing just like Madison."

In some ways you might not be wrong, but my figure and ability to maintain a reasonable body weight over the last eight years of my life is something I have always been proud of. It's something that boosts my self-esteem when I'm feeling low. It's something I feel a sense of control over in a world where I often feel a lack of control.

So here comes Thanksgiving and I'm trying mercilessly to lose 5-10 pounds, BUT I'm also FREAKING OUT so much over my weight that my body trembles and I feel the need to snack. Of course, a snack only confirms the voice in my head saying, "What a loser. You're never going to be skinny again. You've lost it for good" ........

All this said, I am grateful that my mom mentioned to me today that people in their twenties aren't necessarily expected to stay at the same body weight as their teens in order to be healthy. I did a bit of research and loe and behold found an article titled "Ways Every Women's Body Changes In Her Twenties" by Brittany Brolley.

The line that truly stood out to me from this article was:

"While putting on a few pounds may have you thinking about dieting, it's not a great idea. Restricting your caloric intake will actually only make it harder to lose weight, according to Cleveland Clinic nutrition expert Kristin Kirkpatrick. 'The more you diet, the more your metabolism may be negatively impacted,' she explained. Developing healthy eating and exercise patterns is best."

BOOM! WOWZA! Self-acceptance booster much? And, also, this realization brought me the relief that I don't need to be starving myself. Sure, I should watch myself for "overeating," but 2000 calories a day is not bad and could in fact be better for my body than 1500 at this stage in my life.

Working out could be a key to get into my routine to make sure that the pounds I do have are healthy pounds. I truly feel encouraged and wanted to share this with fellow women so they can also know that gaining a few pounds in your 20s is healthy. Would I rather have my "high school body" back? Sure, but having a few extra pounds on the table is NOT something to worry about: it's a sign of health.

Well, readers, that's all for today. May we all live happy and healthy lives with a balanced diet and strong workout routine to support us. :)

WHAT Do They Inspire? Choosing My Influences

I've come to the realization that the majority of people who I follow in Instagram and YouTube do awaken something in me, but I would not like to call that thing inspiration. Here's why:

When I scroll through Instagram, look at Insta-Stories, or watch cover after cover and video after video on YouTube I my thoughts instantly go to "I want to be like this person. How can I be like them?"

They "inspire" me to want 50K - 400K Instagram followers like them. They inspire me to want hundred of subscribers and 5K - 1M views on my videos. This is what they "inspire" in me.

I'm not saying these are bad people, but I am saying that these people who I dedicate anywhere from minutes to hours of my day to on a daily basis (both in following their channels and in the way I spend my mental energy the rest of the day) almost solely inspire me to want to be like them: to want to be popular, to want to look perfect, to want to have followers and idolizers.

Is this true inspiration?

Perhaps instead of listing off public figures or social media entities that I "wanna-be-like" as my inspirations I could examine what they inspire me to do.

To be an inspirer or influencer really just means you are a noun that performs an adjective. You "inspire" or "influence" people to do or want things... but to do or want WHAT?

If someone inspires me to try to create popular social media accounts and to have a perfect public image, I want to identify this and delete them.

If my influencers really just lower my self-esteem, if I'm defending my influencers who say their goal is to build people up who then dedicate their entire account to "look at me-me-me" and "support me-me-me"... that just doesn't seem right.

I've realized that the majority of the people I consider influences in my life feel to me two-faced (like they say one thing "I care about you" and focus on another "so look at me"). These are not people I know in person. I have rarely met any of them. When I do meet them the impact they have on me is not a sense of empowerment but as a sense of, "This person is great, popular, has what I want, etc. so I need to impress him or her or I'm doomed."

They inspire me to want to impress them (or to have what they have) and nothing else.

Hardly sounds inspirational when you look it into words, right?

~*~

I would like to contrast this with some of the nearest and dearest people to me in my own life. Two people come to mind especially (my friends Stephanie and Meaghan) when I think of people who bring to life in me IDEAS and fill me with a LOVE for and a JOY for life not with a desire to grasp popularity but with a joy in exploring, analyzing, and simply enjoying literature and ideas... these are the INFLUENCERS I want in my life.

I think two reasons these people I engage with in conversation are such a joy simply to talk to and explore ideas with is that they don't live in the world of social media. They either don't have social media or rarely go on it. It's not a central part of their lives. They would get along just swimmingly in Victorian England :)

It is so rare to find these sorts of people today: people whose very conversation with you is so stimulating that rather than inspiring you to run off and advertise yourself to the world they inspire you to sit in beauty and joy. Life is FASCINATING with these people. I have never met anyone like them.

My hope is that I can FINALLY let go of following all the "influencers" I talk about admiring on social media and YouTube. My best friend once told me there's no real way to be on YouTube without some sort of ego or agenda. I wholeheartedly agree. 

I'm not saying it's going to be easy letting go of these influences. They have become a sort of "go to" / "addiction." They get me to not live in the moment but to live in some world of perfect pictures, popularity contests, and a two-faced asking for attention while telling people you actually care about them. 

They bring me into a world of manipulation where livelihood is driven by "likes" and where you draw people in by pretending to others (and possibly to yourself) that they should support you for their own sake. You ask them for things (views, subscriptions, mail orders, etc.) while saying it's for them.

I think in this ^^ sort of world people don't even realize they're being manipulative, because they've either manipulated or blinded their own selves to seeing the truth (that they convince you to give them things by telling you how much they give you).

~*~

I think identifying and ridding my life of these influencers and replacing my time and attention with appreciating literature and stimulating conversations is the #1 thing I can do in my life to make me into the person I want to become.

So here's to starting... 

7 Things That Have Me Head-Over-Heels For Minnesota (suburbs especially)

One of the greatest things moving out of state has given me is an appreciation for my homeland. That isn't to say there aren't amazing things in other parts of the country/world, but in my personal opinion no place quite compares to home. 

Perhaps that's why Minnesota / the Twin Cities listed by multiple sources as one of the top places to live in the United States. Here's why I love it:

1. The People

I have met fabulous people from all over the United States, but Minnesota is my home base. It is where I have made a varieties dear and loyal friends throughout various stages of my life. So many of these friendships have turned LIFELONG, and my friends are both a joy to spend time with and have a wonderful influence on me.

Oh, and my family's here too which KNOCKS MY SOCKS OFF!

2. The Roads

I have NEVER before had such a great appreciation for midwestern roads in my life -- especially those in Minnesota. At least in the Twin Cities, our roads are typically flat and easy to maneuver, well-lit, and come with nice size shoulders for incase you need to pull over. 

Drivers are also "more often than not" good sports -- I'm not saying we don't have any aggressive drivers -- and do a decent job of taking turns and not tailgating. (Note: This is not all the time. You will find your fare share of tailgaters in Minnesota, but I wouldn't call tailgating the "norm." -- I would also like to warn against people not using turn signals, but from my experience this seems to be a trend all throughout the U.S.)

3. The Geographical Layout (Variety; Proximity; Walking/Biking...) 

Ah, geography. Some people complain about Minnesota being "too flat," but personally I think our flatness makes for easy transportation and great visibility on the road. Walking and biking places is easy to do both in and outside of the city. Most cities and suburbs have sidewalks pretty near everywhere.

Another pro to Minnesota is that we have VARIETY. If you like the busy city feel you can go to downtown Minneapolis or St. Paul, but if you prefer a refreshing break from the hustle-bustle you are just a frogs leap away from beautiful scenery. If you like a balance of being near lovely parks and scenery while also near to stores and activities (all this with a safe and friendly neighborhood feel), there are a plethora of suburbs all around the Twin Cities that provide not only parks and greenery but easy accessibility to shopping and other forms of recreation.

Oh! And Minnesota has an amazing History that we aren't afraid to display through places such as the Mill Ruins Park. Looking for an incredible day for scenery and pictures? The Stone Arch Bridge is a MUST VISIT. It's the PERFECT blend of nature, beautiful architecture, and the city-scape all in one place.

4. The Lakes

Having always lived in the Land of 10,000 Lakes, I've taken driving next to multiple lakes wherever I go for granted. A swim? Easy-peasy. If you like the clear water and chlorine we've got plenty of activity centers with pools, but if you're going for the "au natural" vibe or simply want to take a loop around the lake, we have so many options! Lot of parks and walking trails are situated next to looks, and if you go for even just a mile or two you might get to hike by multiple lakes (all while in a suburb just miles from downtown).

Just want to dip your feet in the water? You can typically either just walk a few blocks or drive a few miles to fill that desire. Boating? Fishing? Looking for a cabin? We've got all of the above. HELLO, SUMMER!

5. The Celebrations / Festivities

Just because we often spend somewhere between 1/2 and 3/4 of the year buried in snow does NOT mean we hide out throughout the year. Minnesotans know how to make the most of any weather. We celebrate each season with a variety of celebrations. On just about any weekend you can look up nearby cities are find one.

Our most popular and iconic attractions include the Minnesota State Fair where we celebrate our Minnesota pride with music, animal exhibits, over 300 food vendors, and more! We also celebrate our culture with the Irish Fest, Polish Fest, Scottish Fest, and more. Come winter we don't stay hidden indoors but go on the town for ice skating, ice sculptures, parades, and yes (more food) at events such as the Saint Paul Winter Carnival, Red Bull Crashed Ice, Holidazzle, and more.

We are a hearty and celebratory crowd year round and know how to make the best out of any season!

6. The Stores

To add to it's geographical genius, the Twin Cities has stores galore. You can often find two to four Walmarts within a ten mile radius. Target is everywhere. And then we've got our beautiful midwestern go-to grocery stories like Cub. Looking for discounts? Aldi is just a few miles away if not across the street. Not only are the prices decent but the produce in our state is robust due to being in such close proximity to the food transportation systems including Highway I-94?

We also have a plethora of shopping malls where you can indulge your retail desires or simply grab a cup of coffee and go for a stores-galore walk.

7. The Schools 

Minnesota has been listed among the top states for public education. We have a plethora of schools with solid academics and stellar graduation rates. Our number of school districts is exceptional and we also have a variety of types of schools including public, private, charter, or immersion.

We also have an incredible number of special education options including a variety of schools created specifically for special education (including Lionsgate, Spero, Carner Blue...) and lots of organizations dedicated to helping people dealing with specific disabilities not only in academic but in social and recreational aspects of their lives.

This is BY NO MEANS an ALL-INCLUSIVE list of the wonderful things Minnesota has to offer. It is merely a list of the first things that come to mind when I think about why I love Minnesota: The North Star State.

Why I Have A Phone AND And iPod (P.S. I've Never Downloaded A Song In My Life)

To the majority of the world, when I pull out my Apple iPod and my Samsung Phone I look like some CRAZY TECH LADY. The funny thing is that the reverse is true. The reason I have two different devices is to limit my media intake.

2008 - 2019: My Devices

Born in 1995, I am right in that crack between the generation that used no phones, the generation that used flip phones, and the generation that used smartphones. 

My memories of electronics as a kid were: a boxed TV with videocassettes that eventually become DVDs, a box computer that I learned to type on and wrote lists and stories on, and on one or two occasions my aunt visiting and bringing her laptop (I was in awe).

I remember eventually seeing advertisements of business men walking around with flip phones. The phones looked so sleek. I was disappointed that when my dad got a wireless phone for work it wasn't a flip phone but was rather boxy.

2008

Fall of 2008 got my first fancy camera where you could actually see how the picture turned out right after you took it. It was an amazing, exciting adventure for me. I remember bringing it to school and taking class pictures with it. Having that device was truly a wonder whirl of fancy tech and fun.

Within months of getting my first fancy camera (which I bought with my own money), my mom gave me my first flip phone so that I could get in touch with her after softball practice. At this point, most of my classmates had slide phones, but I was always at least a little behind the pack when it came to technology (and I pride myself in that).

My first flip phone was very special to me, even if it was hard to text on. To me, texting was ultimate modernity and fanciness. It was like being a part of a whole different world of cool. I didn't text a whole lot on that phone. My second flip phone was a dozen times more special to me, because it was sleek. 

2010

I probably got it a year or two later. I don't remember if my first phone started getting slow or if I just wanted a sleeker model. I still think it's beautiful to the touch.  I think the phone was actually a hand-me-down from my mom when she upgraded to a model with a keyboard. It's smooth and feels good in your hands. Opening and shutting a flip phone also has a satisfying feeling to it for some reason. Unless it had a slide out keyboard (which had an extra-satisfying sensation), I preferred the flip. 

2012

I think I was in late high school when my mom did another hand-me-down. This was actually my favorite phone of all the phone's I've ever had. It had a QWERTY keyboard which made texting easy. The screen was small, so it didn't hurt my eyes, and the features were simple, so I didn't have to worry about the temptation to waste time on apps (I didn't have any apps).

2013

2013 was a year that changed so much in my relationship with technology. In August of 2013, for the first time I went into a Apple store and actually bought a product.

If my reasoning was the same then as it is now, I bought the iPod Touch partially because it cost less than the iPhone while carrying the majority of the same features and partially because I still wanted my phone to be simply for phone calls and not serve as a temptation to waste time on apps or social media.

If I wanted people to be able to get a hold of me while I basically detached from technology, I could simply leave my iPod at home and bring my QWERTY around with me.

(^^ answer to the blog title)

I used on iPod a lot once I bought it. My freshman year, snapchat was the primary mode of communication my friends and I used to meet up. This was before snapchat got all weird and added the "snap story" feature of such. (As you can probably tell, I'm not a fan of those changes. I felt like it totally depersonalized the app. People don't have to intentionally choose to send you a snap anymore. But let's get back on topic.)

A month after I got my iPod, I started using Twitter and Instagram.

2016

To be quite forward, I was devastated when TracFone refused to stop providing services for my QWERTY phone in 2016. When I returned from my semester abroad, I was informed they had sent me a smart phone in the mail. I adamantly DID NOT want a touch screen.

It felt so unreal having no buttons and the screen simply changing on touch. The screen also seemed to glare in my eyes way more than on my previous phone. (Yes, I have learned since then that you can turn the brightness down.) I wanted my phone to be simply a phone not something overloaded with addicting apps. All throughout the rest of college, I was jealous when I saw a friend with a QWERTY phone. 

I never uploaded any social media apps to this phone and barely ever (less than once a month) used it to go on the internet.

2017

In 2017, after many years of valiant service (5 to be exact) and still with a decent battery as I recall, my iPod hit it's last straw. I am thankful that it worked throughout our family trip and long enough to me to upload all my photos to the computer. A week later, I tried to turn it on, and it was as simple as that... the screen would not turn on.

To this day, I consider my 5th generation iPod touch among my top two most "loyal" pieces of technology when it comes to longevity and efficiency. It was also beautiful (a beautiful turquoise). I still keep it in my drawer as a memento and a thank you to it's incredible five years of faithful and efficient service.

That month, I debated whether I should get another iPod or buy an iPhone to replace both my devices. For the same reason as listed above (to make it easier for me to limit technology usage while still being reachable by phone), I decided to get another iPod.

It turns out this was the iPod touch 6th generation. It didn't seem that different from my 5th generation iPod. The downfall was the battery life of this iPod. I didn't realize how incredibly lucky I had been with my iPod 5 until only ONE year into having my iPod 6 the device began to lose it's charge abruptly out of nowhere. It would go from 20 percent to 80 percent to shutting off within FIVE SECONDS (still haven't figured out what wacky business was going on there) and it did this multiple times per hour even right after being fully charged.

I went in to get the battery fixed, but when I was told they would instead replace my iPod for the price of the battery, I didn't want to let go of my "personalized" iPod. I waited another year. The iPod battery no longer does it's wacky rising and falling; however, the battery life is typically only one to two hours long and it takes a minimum of FIVE hours to fully recharge it. (After two hours of being plugged in, I am lucky if it has made it to 40 percent.)

2019

Around spring of 2019, I couldn't handle the incredible slowness of the smart phone TracFone had sent me. I had waited it out an extra year, because I didn't want to spend money on getting a new phone, but now this phone wasn't holding it's charge well, was charging as slowly as my iPod, and was just in general "slow."

After months of looking at phones online but not buying one, I finally decided that my phone wasn't worthy of being called a phone. I went to Target and bought a new one.

Was it worth it? Yes. My new phone holds a charge decently and, most importantly, charges very quickly. It's generally pretty speedy too. The phone is not an upgrade in regards to appearance or feel (I prefer smaller phones and this one's slightly larger than my previous one), but it actually does it's job and does it well. That's really all that matters. So, yes, it is an upgrade. And, yes, it was worth it.

New Apple Products

Apple came out with a new iPod in 2019. I've been highly considering replacing my iPod (one year later). I went in to Apple, and they were going to charge me almost the full price of the iPod just to replace it with a more efficient 6th generation iPod. That seemed like a cheat. 

I might as well pay a bit more and get the iPod 7 which will probably last a lot longer. That said, reviewed of the iPod 7 say it isn't honestly that different or better quality than the iPod 6. It's just  ore likely to be compatible with the new software updates Apple requires every few years (or months). Have you noticed how Apple does that???

The iPhone 6S is on sale for under two hundred dollars with TracFone, but if you think about it, that is also the 2015 model (the same year as the iPod 6), and reviews say it will only be compatible with software updates for the next year or (maximum) two.

All in all, is it worth getting a new iPod? The functions of my iPod are simple. It has a decent camera, and I can access free things on it that I can't access on non-Apple devices like Podcasts or some Audiobooks.

It would be pointless to have Instagram on my Phone, because the camera quality on my phone is so low. It's just such a plain phone -- which I like for a phone.

So there it is. I don't know what my next technology step will be, but I want to be careful that I am getting more detached from technology as opposed to more attached to it. Apple products (maybe most technology products?) cheat people every few years by outdating software and leaving older devices no longer "software compatible."

That said, I still want to be able to carry my iPod around the house with it's easy transport, small screen, and good audio in order to listen to my favorite audiobooks. And I still need (is that too dramatic of a word?) a camera that actually works.

I'm not sure my next step. Maybe I can get this iPod to live a year or two longer. When it won't even turn on, that's when you know it's really dead and needs replacing. I'm not going to spend $500+ dollars on a new device. Max me out at $300. I guess I'll just have to see where the world of technology goes. Will I make it another few months with an deficient iPod? WHO KNOWS.

SCRUPULOSITY (Spiritual OCD)... FROM THE INSIDE

I have a feeling scrupulosity manifests itself a bit differently for everyone. It want to try to describe it the way I experience it so that if anyone else can relate to any of this you know you are not alone. 

One of my favorite definitions of scrupulosity comes from DefendingTheFaith:

"Scrupulosity is characterized by pathological guilt about moral or religious issues. It is personally distressing, objectively dysfunctional, and often accompanied by significant impairment in social functioning. It is typically conceptualized as a moral or religious form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)...It's a plaguing sense of feeling that one is 'bad', 'guilty', or 'unforgiven.'" - DefendingTheFaith

I experience scrupulosity as a sensation more-so than a thought. I experience it all throughout my body and brain. My scrupulosity (spiritual anxiety) is quite honestly affected not only by the activities I engage in but by the food I put in my body and how much I exercise.

General Feelings Of Guilt 

On a day-to-day basis, I usually experience a sense of being a bad and selfish person. I spend hours on youtube when I know I could be praying. (I spend time on social media to escape anxious thoughts, and yet my time on social media increases my feeling of discontent and "dirtiness.") I don't even set aside time to pray everyday, and I feel dirty knowing this. I am actually sometimes afraid of prayer, because I feel like I will be more susceptible to my anxiety when I open myself up in prayer. 

I also feel that my choice to be a YouTuber and my desire for followers and success in that realm is incompatible with a prayer life. They truly seem incompatible. I feel two-faced if I say yes to both of them, because I come into each of them with completely different mindsets. I don't want to pray one thing and live another way.

If I pray, I will feel guilty for these desires and for acting on them. If I act on them and make youtube videos simply for the thrill of filming and editing and with my (main?) goal being to get subscribers, whilst doing this I must separate from that deep prayer life or I will feel too guilty to go on and will be pulled in half. My guilt will be if I act on my impulses and desires. My guilt will sit before my eyes if I pray. 

An "Episode"

I have described above the general way in which I experience scrupulosity on a daily basis. But this is my "normal." This is my baseline more of less. Unless I go into weeks of detachment from social media and attachment to prayer and spiritual readings, this is typically how I feel.

When I say I want to describe scrupulosity "from the inside," however, I mean I want to describe it from inside an "episode." I don't know if people typically talk about scrupulosity as having "episodes." Anxiety disorders have episodes that we call anxiety attacks, as do panic disorders (panic attacks). 

People with OCD are stereotypically known to go through sorts of "episodes" where they have to repeat an action a certain number of times or say a word or trace and un-trace something to be okay. That said, while I have never heard the term "scrupulosity episode" used before, it seems the most accurate way I can describe my "scrupulosity attacks." These are attacks of feelings inadequacy, of guilt, of dirtiness... and they present themselves in a very specific way through physical sensations.

These episodes don't necessarily happen after I have done something particularly "terrible." I have noticed that I am far more susceptible to them when I eat a lot of junk food, when I am a sloth on the couch for long periods of a time, when I sit in front of screens (worse yet when I sit in front of screens working on perfecting my own social media accounts)...

What I want to do here is simply describe what an episode FEELS like, because the FEELING in one of these episodes is so strong and overwhelming that I can barely get any words to go through my head. The general words or sentences my brain typically has the most access to are "NOT okay," "I want out," or "I'm disgusting." 

I don't usually write poems, but perhaps the sensations are best described in poetry...

I feel like I ought to put a (STOMACH) TRIGGER WARNING here. 

Don't read this while you're eating or in the middle of an anxiety episode. If your stomach is sensitive (or you are not so drawn to the words "stringy" "slimy" and "regurgitate"), you may want to pass on this as well, because the sensations I describe are through brutally honest analogies.

My mouth is dry. My tongue is parched. 

The back of my throat is sensitive

As if my finger were touching it.

Worst of all are my head, stomach, and arms.

My arms feel heavy, SO heavy by my side.

They don't feel wet but there is 

a clammy sensation of disgustingness to them.

It's like there are lead pipes weighing them down

instead of bones.

My fingers and eyes feel dry too.

If I look closely at my hands, 

my fingers might be shaking.

If they're not shaking, 

then the nervous energy is rapped up inside.

Most of that energy is in my arms,

tugging at them and wanting to explode outward

as if I were The Doctor about to regenerate.

My legs feel heavy.

There is lead in them, just like in my arms,

but the lead in both these places TINGLES.

A TERRIBLE tingling sensation

of nervous energy that cannot escape.

A heavy, WEIGHED DOWN tingling:

incongruent with the lead,

worse because of its lightness

like fingers touching the surface of the lead.

I'm trapped in my own body.

My eyes and arms may feel dead, but...

Worse yet. There is my stomach. 

It's hard to picture anything worse than the dead parts,

but my stomach is the most wrenching part of all.

My intestines are worms. 

I can feel the worms wrapped tightly around each other. 

They are trying to wriggle about.

They aren't just in my stomach.

They are in my heart.

My heart is made of wriggly worms, intertwined.

My soul is just like my heart, only more translucent.

Translucent, but showing my true colors...

brown worms wriggling about:

stringy, slimy worms... just like my soul.

I am NOT okay. I am disgusting and dirty.

I will not be okay until I flush all this junk food out of my system and go to confession.

Then I will be fine. But only then.

I'm not going to regurgitate this food up.

It could take hours to be okay.

No use filling myself with good stuff

until the gross "foods" are gone.

The energy in the dead arms has nowhere to go.

My brain is unsettled.

It runs in circles.

Of course it runs in circles,

because "I want to be good but I make bad choices."

I bring this on myself.

I'm trapped. My breaths are shallow and shaky.

I try for deep breaths, but the tingling is still there.

It won't go away.

(My tear sockets are in my brain and throat, not my eyes.)

I need to be flushed out:

physically and spiritually.

I need to be flushed clean.

But don't pity me.

This is all my fault.

I chose this.

I brought this on myself,

because I am dirty.

Fill Your Life With Things That Lift You Up

I has been a whirlwind of a past few weeks when it comes to my social media life.

The story:

For some reason, I suddenly felt like going full force on some of my accounts. I wanted to grow an audience for my YouTube channel, so I started inviting ALL of my Facebook friends to like my Facebook page (thinking I would dedicate it to my YouTube channel)... even though this was 100% contra to what I had decided upon a year ago (aka, wanting to keep my youtube channel and real life separate). Was I really that desperate for the likes? 

Then I freaked out that I was giving people too much access to my online persona/websites/life. I also become worried about what I was portraying on my sites, and most of all concerned with what my motives were for having and publicizing a youtube channel. Let's say I had a mild freak out. 

Thankfully, I was able to think things through to some extent. An initial thought was: Should I delete my pages on Facebook and Instagram? This would be rather impulsive, and I didn't want to repeat the mistake I had made before when I impulsively created these inter-connected pages and invited people to like them. I needed to step back and breath.

Ultimately, I made a decision that I would keep the Facebook page (which I actually created four years ago to dedicate to a website I was starting), but I would not connect that page to my other accounts. Facebook pages can feel less secure than other social media, because you can't really control your audience. There are no options to block certain people or privatize a page. I decided to hold onto Instagram but to keep that page rather "on hold" instead of bombarding it with pictures or content.

What I realized was I had never truly brought this stuff to prayer. I wanted God to be asking me to build myself on social media platforms, because I wanted to be seen. At the root of everything - hiding behind all these excuses of wanting to help people (which weren't false, btw) - was simply the desire to be seen: the desire to feel like somebody.

This whole story is simply an entrance into another thing I realized. I spend a lot of time on social media and a lot of time thinking about social media. In many ways, I don't know how to separate myself from it, because I feel like without social media life is so... empty.

I get tired of being alone but don't want to seem needy. I have this idea imbedded in my head that you're only truly living if people online see what you're doing and give you support and feedback. I know it's not true, but when something becomes internalized it isn't easy to just step out of that mindset.

I feel a lot more attached or in sync with a number of people I watch online. I see the good sides of people on social media or I at least see that they share in my desire to be seen. I feel more supported by them.

I feel like people in my everyday life don't really have time for me, so I go to social media where there is always someone there to entertain me or speak the words of wisdom or encouragement that I want to hear. (FYI, this isn't a rant about my friends not being good friends. It's just a realization that I have something inside of me not being met--whether it's meant to be met, I don't know...)

~*~

All things considered, I don't think I'm going to give up social media altogether. I don't mean that I won't do an occasional social media fast. I LOVE doing those every now and then. 

I simply mean that there is something within me that draws me to social media. I have sometimes wondered if this thing is of God or is pure selfishness. I think it probably has to be a combination of both. 

I don't yet understand what God is calling me to do through social media or how much He is calling me to do on there. I think part of this is because I really don't stop to listen to God all that often. I'm still running from my anxiety or running towards a friendly face and words of affirmation via online.

I don't think this is entirely bad. The not stopping to listen to God part is definitely unhealthy and leads me nowhere. Dedicating more time to prayer and contemplative reading and meeting God in nature or music without social media is definitely something I would like to bring into my life more. It's not easy for a social-media fanatic like me, but it is good. 

That said, I just stated that I don't think where I am now is entirely bad. 

I think God can speak to me and love me through social media platforms so long as I make sure this is not the only way I am letting Him access me. Social media is not a substitute for prayer or reading a book on discernment or something else wholesome, but it can compliment it IF I use it in the right way (and with limitations).

~*~

This leads to the point of this article! If I AM going to enter into the social media world or make it a regular part of my life, let me make sure that I am using it intentionally and positively.

I haven't 100% figured out how I am going to do this, but I have some ideas. For one, I want to look for and find people on social media that both lift me up and bring me towards God. I can already identify a few YouTube channels and Facebook groups that do this. Hopefully I can also identify more Podcasts and Blogs that do this. Perhaps I can connect with those podcasters and bloggers better through Instagram so that I see the positivity and the good on a day-to-day basis.

THIS IS WHERE YOU (MY READERS) COME IN:

If you would like to help me out, please suggest some wholesome YouTubers, Podcasts, Blogs, etc. that you think would help bring a 24-year-old peace and clarity and closer to Christ. They don't have to be entirely about Catholic things, but I want to be following and looking up to wholesome people. :)

Please pray for me on my journey! Pray that I truly take the time to step aside and listen to God's voice. Pray that I use social media in healthy ways that inspire and uplift me and direct me towards God's plan for my life instead of away from it.

Many Blessings To You.