DecadEnds: A Decade Worth Celebrating

It's almost surreal when a post like this pops up on my news feed. It's hard to imagine that this is exactly where I was in life NINE YEARS AGO. Is it shocking how long ago it was or how recent? I can't decide. But it certainly leads me to reflect on what has been an INSANELY eventful decade in my life.

 

I never would've imagined that nine years later we'd be in a worldwide pandemic.  

What has happened in the decade of 2010-2020? SO MUCH Life.

1. I transferred to a new high school where, for the first time in years, I began to feel like a person with self-esteem and worth.

2. I picked up a new sport, discovering tennis was a new passion in my life. 

3. I played on the women's tennis team for two seasons, almost making varsity, and I managed the men's tennis team for two seasons. Post-high school I taught tennis to little kids for four summers.

4. For the first time I learned about psychology and all of its amazing facets. I took regular level psychology classes and assisted with an AP psychology class before taking the class myself.

5. I also took an amazing CIS English class that will always live on.

6. I played some intramural sports including volleyball.

7. I became part of a close-knit friend group with our tagline "You People." We went on tons of adventures together including tubing outings and celebrating New Years and the 4th of July together.

8. I participated in a braid-train sleepover with a group of fellow senior women to commemorate our senior year.

9. I joined International Club and had even more crazy adventures with friends as a result of it.

10. I participated in two years of yearbook and got to be Yearbook Editor my senior year. 

11. I joined the robotics teams my senior year after being familiarized with it (through my sister) my junior year. We goofed off 24/7 and had plenty of crazy shenanigans including "The Duluth Trip" and so-to-speak "starting a band."

12. I attended proms and homecoming dances filled with there fair share or good moments and definitely their fair share of drama.

13. I became inseparable with my bestie spending summers together 24/7. I also became a fan of the shows Dr. Who and Sherlock.

14. I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!

15. I started college and enjoyed my first two years living in the dorms. I grew in my faith through a very special community and through adoration and retreats.

16. I sang in our college choir for three years. 

17. I took the most amazing English classes: British Lit. being at the top of the list. I also took incredible Latin, Catholic Studies, and Psychology classes and an incredible Philosophy class.

18. I studied abroad in Rome for four months!!! Side trips included a week in Poland and visiting Pompeii.

19. I spent just over two years in roles as a student worker: food delivery, craft room organization, etc.

20. I worked as a nanny at a summer camp.

21. I went on lots of fun adventures with our "Summer Hiking Club."

23. I passed my Summa Cum Laude exam and graduated college.

24. I spent three years working with preschoolers on the autism spectrum and had so many amazing, rewarding moments and experiences with the kids.

25. I decided my life could use more eventfulness, so I moved to Nashville where I stayed in the hospital and met a group of friends that changed my life!!!

26. I grew in appreciation of my home state and blessings like never before.

27. I hit a dear of 65 MPH on the freeway in the middle-of-nowhere Illinois. 

28. I attended lots of wonderful Special Olympics events.

29. I gave in and decided to start using dating apps, gaining valuable experiences from them.

30. I took a break from normal life for some amazing (again, life-changing) mental health treatment that I cannot speak highly enough of.

31. I decided to start actually pursuing a social life and then COVID-19 happened. Thankfully, my social life continued only blossomed all-the-more due to its virtual means. I met an AMAZING group of friends.

32. I got to co-mother so many AMAZING gerbils! 

33. I explored my faith and worked on self-care taking a much-needed, rejuvenating break from ordinary life.

34. I picked up tennis yet again thanks to various wonderful new friends.

35. I had my most near-death experience to date and realized that tragedies can hit anyone at any moment. They don't just happen "out there." I grew in appreciation for the crazy amazing people in my life.

Lessons Learned

Lessons Learned

There are two way I cope with unfathomable pain. One is humor. I guess it makes me feel like I still have some dignity left if I can laugh about things. The other is finding meaning in seeming failures and meaninglessness.

This past month I experienced the worst trauma I have since childhood. I wanted to back out of a commitment I'd made, but I was too ashamed of how that would make me look. I thought I had to give a reason for cancelling plans, and my reason was too personal for me to feel comfortable sharing it, so I gave in to the plans. I convinced myself "It'll be okay. You're just over-thinking things. Stop being worried. It's not a big deal." (Fun fact: If your mind, body, or anything else is telling you to take a break, RESPECT that.) I wanted so badly to be perfect and to never "flake."

Lesson 1: Listen to your counselor. You NEEEEVER need to give someone a reason (and you never have to be ashamed of your reason). The fact that you don't want to do something--no matter how much seems at stake in the matter (friendships, your pride, etc.)--is enough.

(P.S. Self, I know this will shock you but: fatigue from a hockey injury, deep tissue massage, and PTSD combined...I know this will shock you, but those are totally acceptable reasons to bail on any plans and don't have to be explained.)

Lesson 2: It doesn't matter how many steps you've taken in one direction. That doesn't mean you need to take another. Scrap concern about the money you spent. You're not obligated to do anything due to money or due to shame or even due to having been the one to suggest or commit to something. You can always back out at ANY point.  

Screw people needing reasons for your backing out (even in the  middle of something). Screw concerns that you'll be asked to give reasons or thought ill of. You know you! Just do it! YOUR NEEDS/WANTS ARE VALID and you don't have to prove that to anyone (including yourself)!

Lesson 3: It's okay to push people away. You don't have to put on an act or fear looking rude. If you need to be alone (at ANY moment), be alone. Insist on it. Lock a door. Walk away. "I need to go" is enough to say. Drive away. 

It doesn't mean they are the problem (and if they care about you they'll be able to understand that.) It means you're validating your own needs and feelings. You always deserve your own space. Do not let yourself be guilted out of that belief or make exceptions. 

Lesson 4: BELIEVE YOURSELF. My body was giving me signs the entire week leading up to the break and even more-so that day. (Signs that I was pushing myself to a breaking point. Signs that I wanted to run.) I've done this before. It's how I fainted at summer camp and got myself into various other things. 

I convinced myself "It's not really that bad." and I won't believe myself until I PROVE to myself that it is that bad. (If you're familiar with gaslighting that is basically the story of my childhood. I wish I could say it doesn't ingrain itself in your brain, but brains are fragile and malleable and once they're set in one track (way-of-thinking) even through no conscious choice of their own (kids are vulnerable and take things in and can't be expected to protect themselves), it's very hard to change it.)

(Note to self: If you're concerned that you might be making up just how drastically gaslighting has affected you, remember that when you got hit by a hockey puck at full force but didn't see the puck you actually thought perhaps you had imagined the event. THIS EVENT:

 

The bruising didn't show up right away, so maybe I made up/imagined how bad it was. Welcome to my brain. Denial.

Gaslighting? It really does alter your sense of reality through no fault of your own.)

~*~

I feel shame and fear letting people know how much gaslighting has affected me. It's such a vulnerable part of myself to share, and I'm afraid it makes me look weak and like easy prey, especially for men. But the truth is that the more I push myself to hide this stuff the more I let the shame rule.

My sharing this stuff is actually a sign of my strength. It's a sign that I know myself and am validating myself and my experiences. As counter-intuitive as my brain might want me to think it is, the openness makes me stronger.