Is Your Pride Getting In The Way Of Your Calling? [Quarter Life Crisis]

I know I'm not alone, so I suppose that should be a comfort to me. Sooo many of my friends who are my age or just a year of two older or younger are going through this same job crisis.

We've been in positions for maybe just under or over a year (a max of two years), and we're just feeling unsatisfied.

Me, I have a fear of being a job-hopper! I don't want to be one of those people, because I think it looks bad on resumes if most of the positions you've been in were just for under or over a year.

Hopefully people will give me a bit more slack when they consider that 

(1) my last 10 jobs were throughout my college years so never serious, 

(2) I'm young, and 

(3) I'm still figuring out what I want to do with my life.

Still, it is hard when you either don't have an idea of where you want to go or you have such a precise idea that it limits your options.

I recently applied for what I considered to be my "dream job." I tried not to get excited about it, because I knew I was under qualified --> the whole "you need experience to get the job, you need to the job to get experience."

The three aspects of the job I was most excited about were: 

(1) It was an introvert job performing a HOBBY of mine (aka, data entry).

(2) It was for an organization whose values aligned with mine 100%.

(3) There was an ADORATION CHAPEL next door to the office I would have been in.

So it kind of came as a hard fall when I didn't get the job, because how often do you find a job with ALL of these aspects applying to it???

My current job crisis revolves around a few things, but the main thing is that I feel unsupported in my faith. I want to work at a place where I feel supported... a place that helps me to grow as a Catholic person. I'm someone who is too worried about offending people to stand up for my faith much at work. I'm too much of a chameleon, and while that is sometimes a blessing it is also a curse. It means that the people around me influence my behavior A LOT. Whether or not they change what I believe, they change how I act, and sooner or later they change what my focus is in life.

~*~

So here I am at my Quarter Life Crisis, and the question is:

How do I find a job that I passionate about that supports my faith life a lot?

I haven't found another introvert, data-entry job with a built-in adoration chapel yet. That said, I need(?) something that allows me to go to work (1) not dreading human interaction and (2) feeling super supported in my faith life. Where do the two meet?

Beats me. A few job leads I have been looking into recently are at a home for retired priests or as a nanny. I guess one of my concerns is that (1) the first of those two jobs is only part-time and hardly pays better than my current job and (2) I would like a position I could stay in longer-term but I will need health insurance coverage in two years.

So this is what has been on my mind lately. P.S. I am currently spending more than I am making and am not even paying my own insurance, utilities, or rent! :P

~*~

I went to Mass after reconciliation today, and the Lord spoke to me more directly than I could have imagined, because here is what I read in today's Magnificat:

Meditation of the Day: Following In Trust

~ By SISTER WENDY BECKETT ~

"Total trust in God is the only true foundation for you--we can't afford to live at peace while we inwardly believe all depends on us, and that we hold God's love on the fragile basis of our virtue. But when we trust his never-failing concern for us, his steady unfaltering love and determination to give himself, no matter how weak we are: then we can rest contentedly on his broad fatherly shoulders. And our proof of our trust in him must be a resolution to trust our sisters. Not the way we trust him, because all human beings are so limited, but a trust in their essential goodness, that they want him as as much, perhaps more than we do...and that we all meet peacefully in that longing.

I am sure his loving heart is pleased with your efforts, and he doesn't even notice your inevitable failures. He just says, gently, love me all the more for the falls and I will do my will in you.

Trust means that we (at least!) expect fairness! And God could never make demands that we couldn't meet, could he? All worries about backsliding are just "self." He always asks us to live in peace, in "largeness." If we fall, we simply look at him and go on. We never fret or feel strained. Better for him that we give "less" in peace than "more" in strain because he is only present in the peaceful heart. Be brave...never give into these lowering fears. And remember that trust is a virtue that has to be struggled and prayed for. The reason why he lets you feel as you do is precisely so you can struggle--and receive in his sweet time." 

My self-question as I consider open positions: 

"Is Your Pride Getting In The Way Of Your Calling?" 

Friendship and Virtue

They say who you hang out with is who you'll become. I'm not sure they're entirely wrong. Without going into detail, I will note that lately the struggle has been real regarding friendship and virtue in my life. By friendship and virtue I mean how the friendships/relationships in my life affect how I relate to and live out my faith life.

I was trying to think of how to write a good blog post about this. I don't want to go into detail for the sake of other people's privacy. But I do want to touch in the matter, because lately I have felt very drawn to friendships that are not so based in virtue. I know this, because although while I hang out with certain people in my life I feel a high, after I hang out with them I feel some guilt and have a harder time reading Scripture because I feel like I am going against my own moral compass and against God's commands. In regard to these relationships, I know I have a fair amount of selfish, pleasure-seeking motives.

AND I have a hard time saying no to these relationships because they have brought so much thrill-like joy into my life, have made me feel wanted, and have helped me to avoid bouts of anxiety and depression.

The way I am going to structure this post is by asking myself (and readers) some questions that can help me determine how virtuous relationships in my life actually are:

(I know for sure I have many virtuous friendships, but I also have some that definitely are not.)

 

(Photograph courtesy Global Young Voices via google images)

EXAMINE...

THE BASIS OF YOUR FRIENDSHIP

~~What do you guys talk about when you hang out? 

~~What activities do you participate in?

~~Do you view your friend(s) as objects?

~~Is there a seductive or pleasure-seeking nature in your relationship on either end?

~~What is your reason for being drawn to these people? 

------------Does it make you feel "cool" to hang out with them? 

------------Do you like the way it makes you appear in the eyes of others?

------------Does it remind you of past relationships? 

(Reflect on how those relationships affected your faith life / life of virtue.)

HOW YOUR FRIENDSHIP AFFECTS YOUR FAITH LIFE

~~Do you ever pray together or reflect on aspects of the faith together?

~~After you hang out with your friend(s) do you feel at peace with God or carry a guilty conscience? 

(Ways to test this can include praying or reading Scripture before or after you hang out or listening to Christian music.)

------------If you feel guilt, what is at the core of this? Your thoughts? Your actions? Both?

THE IMPACT YOUR FRIENDSHIP HAS ON YOUR/THE-OTHER-PERSON'S VIRTUE

~~Do you actively try to help each other become more virtuous people / to strength each other in God's love?

~~Are you (AND your friend) comfortable speaking up with maturity if you or the other person performs as action--perhaps says something--less than virtuous?

~~Is the language and humor you both use in conversations clean?
~~Do you spend your time together talking about people or things? 
~~Especially if you are talking about other people, is it in in a positive or negative light?

An Un-Famous Blessing

When I was 13, 14, even 15, I can tell you that of all things one of the things I wanted most was to be a famous actress or singer. I think especially at that age we are prone to wanting attention, to wanting to feel appreciated, etc. etc.

I think people who strive to be famous are not really aware or don't really take seriously the fact that over 50% of the publicity they get will probably be negative publicity. I didn't, at least. You don't just have a million more cheerleaders in life. There's a lot that goes with it.

Today, I can tell you that fame is certainly something I do NOT want. I would still like to do some acting as a hobby, but I don't ever want to be that big star constantly bombarded by the spotlight, and... lucky me :) People have to work so hard for fame and even these attain it so rarely, that it doesn't look like this is going to be an issue for me.

Taylor Swift has a song that I think is highly underrated and under talked-about called The Lucky One. While I've never heard an explanation for this song, it seems to pretty blatantly be pointing to the idea that it's those of us who aren't in the spotlight that are truly blessed.

So here is a by-all-means-not-exclusive list of

The Perks Of Not Being Famous

1. PRIVACY

For someone with anxiety like me, having to plan my life out not only according to what will bring me and my loved ones fulfillment but also keeping in mind the critics who will be analyzing me and tabloids that will be putting my story on the front page... that sounds like a nightmare!

I like having control over who knows what. For the most part, I can decide who knows about my personal life based on which friends I entrust this information to. Where do I live? Where do I work? Do I like my job? Am I good at it? Do I get along with my coworkers? Do I like anyone? Am I dating or in a relationship? Which friendships are most central to my life? What do I consider a fun outing?

I also have come to appreciate that even when I post something on Facebook or YouTube it tends to stay within a small crowd. I would rather post a video and only have a few dedicated friends decide to watch it than anticipate it having 22 million views and being all over the news the next morning.

While we live in a world that tries to blow up fame as this wonderful, blissful thing that we should all strive to attain, keep in mind the perks of obscurity. People talk about how fame makes you powerful, but in reality it takes AT LEAST as much power as it gives you when it comes to censorship of your personal life (and don't forget the gossip columns that make up stories that skew millions of people's opinion of you).

2. FREE, OBSCURE DAY-TO-DAY OUTINGS

Top-of-the-chart celebrities can rarely step out their door without having paparazzi on them. They can rarely go to the beach without having their body critiqued as if they are some sort of museum display.

I, for one, like to express different parts of my personality from day-to-day without having one day seriously affect the other. One day I might spend a quiet day at the park or reading a book. Another I might spend volunteering at a shelter. Another I might spend with my best friends doing crazy things like pretending I'm a dog in public. (Yup. It's true. We do these sorts of things: sticking our tongues out the window while we drive. We're weird.)

I like being able to do these helpful or ridiculous things without having the whole world watching me trying to either (1) test my humility by making me out to be some sort of saint or (2) claiming I must be drunk or super irresponsible because I wanted to be more childlike or silly for a day.

It's not that I want to be inconsistent or irresponsible, but I do want the freedom to express myself in more silly and creative ways at some times and in more serious and put-together ways at other times.

That said, AS HUMANS, we all do things we regret or feel embarrassed about from time to time. We all have different personas that we emphasize the most to different people or in different situations. We all have moments in our lives that we would really prefer others not see.

It's a blessing to be able to go out on the town or even to the grocery store super put together one day without everyone there remembering you as the girl who didn't even brush her hair yesterday.

Due to this (and even in scenarios where I don't regret something), there are many times when I am especially grateful for my freedom to embark on new adventures as...

3. FRESH STARTS!!!

This is honestly probably the one that means the most to me (tied with the anxiety-aspect of the first one).

First impressions. We only make them once which each person, but we make them with LOTS OF PEOPLE. If the things I strive for in life are changing or certain relationships are dwindling, etc. etc. I always have the opportunity to go out and meet new people who have no prior impression of me. It's so freeing!

As noted before, the people I run into on my outings today don't have to think of me as that girl who was falling to pieces yesterday. One of the greatest blessings I had in life was when I started at a new school. I had been a real outsider at my old school, but I had learned from the experience and at my new school was able to present myself as the dynamic, friendly, and verily-put-together girl I wanted to be.

Fresh starts can come in big or small ways. They can be as simple as simply taking the day to take a bubble bath and go out for tea after a stressful week. They can be as large as changing jobs, entering into a new relationship, moving, etc. Either way, it is so much simpler and less anxiety-inducing to do these things when the new people you cross paths with don't come with a tainted (for better or for worse) view of you and when you're not under the spotlight.

4. CERTAIN OPPORTUNITIES

This aspect goes both ways. People who are famous do have many opportunities or things they can more easily access that most people don't --whether that be specific roles they get to play in movies or on TV shows, homes they can afford, or trips they can afford to embark on.

However, those who are not famous can have a much easier time switching career paths or trying out a new job or area of interest. I know from looking into acting that many employers are hesitant to give a job to say, an actor, because they lack confidence that the actor won't just leave suddenly if he or she acquires a new gig. Or simply consider that, while most businesses have a discrimination-free policy, some may be more hesitant to hire someone who isn't in a positive position in the spotlight due to the repercussions of "affiliation." Again, some businesses would love the publicity! But it really does vary and can play a role for better or for worse in this area.

Also note that, if you do take on a new role, if you are someone particularly famous it is unlikely that people will approach you without a certain bias. They may never see you as a professional in your new role as much as a "once-famous _______ who ______."

5. AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS

I think this one gets touched on more by celebrities than some of the previously addressed points. We ALL have to question the motives of others in our lives. Why do they like us? Does a certain person like me for my looks or money or for a deeper reason? Does someone see me as a means-to-an-end or as the end itself? Is someone embarking in a relationship with me in hopes of bettering my life or entirely in a self-seeking fashion?

These questions are hard enough to answer in everyday life, but as someone famous it can be even harder to judge a person's motives. So many people see you as a means to an end. They may see being your "friend" as giving them a greater chance at getting a gig or becoming famous themselves. They may even want to meet you more-so for the sake of impressing their friends with the story than actually for the sake of meeting you. Etc. Etc.

It's a hard part of life to grapple with in general, but it can be even harder to grapple with when so many people see you as superhuman.

~*~

As noted before, this is by no means an all-inclusive list, but these are some of the biggest reasons I am grateful for my so-to-speak more obscure, normal, down-to-earth life. Because when it all comes down to it being just another face in the crowd can be a blessing, because we know that deep down we're more than that and we have the opportunity to show that to the special people who enter into our lives.

THIS IS EASTER

(Yes, Jack is imperfect. He has His baggage. He comes from a broken home. He has made bad decisions in His past as He deals with the struggles with life. This is because He is human. He isn't Christ Himself, but he is a pretty dang amazing example of Christ nonetheless and of striving to be like Christ.)

I can't be the first person to note and be blown away by how symbolic this episode is of the love of God the father and Christ's life, death, and resurrection! If you actually watch Season 2, Episode 14 the resemblance is UNCANNY!


 

Christ suffered and died to save us in the most selfless fashion, and he didn't only want to save us for a decent life. He wanted to save us for an incredible one: which is why he left us all these treasures pointing to life with Him.




Even the words of the actors in the Aftershow to this episode are so symbolic of the sacrificial love of God the Father for His family and His Spirit never leaving them behind.



Even just now as I was looking for pictures I typed in "Kevin at Tree" and realized the Jack and Our Lord both use a tree as the symbol: "This is where you find out you are going to be ok."

 

Photo cred: https://lifeteen.com/blog/see-you-in-the-eucharist-no-really/

The analogies and symbolism keep growing! More than HALF of this stuff didn't even hit me when I first watched the episode!

Until this episode I saw a resemblance of the love of God in Jack, but it wasn't until this episode that I was absolutely blown away by its symbolism. Whether the writers of This Is Us are Christian or had any intentionality of resembling the Christ story I don't know, but WOW! These stories transcend time and always come back to us because they are a part of us.

I think This Is Us is a beautiful way to renew the incredibleness of the story for Christians who have felt their faith life going dry. Sooner or later we get used to the Crucifixion and Resurrection story. Their incredibleness and the feelings of awe, gratitude, love, and so forth that we experience in first hearing these stories begin to go dry.

How beautiful that new stories can remind us of that love. They can allow us to feel what we forgot to see and give us an incarnate example of living in God's image in the twenty-first century. They can allow us to grasp the truth, often in ways that we can more directly relate to.

Hopefully you will have a chance to re-watch this episode (and show), as I hope to do. Maybe realizing the reality of the story and the great hope we have for someday being reunited with this loving Father (symbolic in Jack) will ease the pain and help you to embrace the story.

"How great the Father's love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give is only Son

To make a wretch His treasure."

-*-Selah

So hopefully I can leave you with this. All the love, all the truth, and all the feels. ;)

This is Jesus. This is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. This is God.

HAPPY EASTER!!!

An Answer In A Fallen World

(Alternative Title: What My Faith Is To Me)

Alcoholism, drug addictions, codependent relationships, abusive relationships, casual sex, one night stands... 

this is the spiral that our world has skyrocketed into in the 21st century most especially in first world countries. Patterns have developed. Now it is normal to participate in these things, and it is often considered ABNORMAL to not participate in them. In fact, the very idea that these things might "not be a good idea" (or to even go so far as to say "bad") is considered bigotry by many people.

To consider that an action might be bad is now considered by many people to be simultaneous with saying that the person performing the action is bad. Some people might just think I am playing with words here, but if you think deeply I hope you can philosophically realize that A does not automatically equate to B.

Somewhere along the way in our defensive world we have decided that it is insulting to adhere to and actually recommend following a set of directions. Democracy becomes equated to "you do you" and any "guidelines" laid out are viewed as a roadblock to a person's full self-actualization, development, and freedom rather than as a helping hand in reaching towards these things.

"Don't engage in casual sex" is not longer compared to "don't touch the hot stove" rather it is now equated to "I don't like that color on you, so change." In one of these instances the direction is given out of love because the person providing the directions knows something that the other person may not, and he or she wants to help that person to live in happiness, comfort, and safety instead of that person having to learn the lesson the hard way: through experience. In the other instance, a person has an opinion of not central or moral gravitational value that he or she wishes to impose on the other person.

A loving father doesn't watch his child touch the stove and then say, "Whelp, that's too bad." A loving father guides the child. A loving father tries to help the child learn lessons the easy way and develop into a healthy person with knowledge and understanding of healthy boundaries. 

Mistakes will happen. It's a part of life. However, I don't think many of us would consider it appropriate or right for a person with an important piece of knowledge (ex: the stove will burn you or you will be hit by a car if you race across the street or you will get a stomach ache if you eat the entire cake in one night) to withhold this information from someone else and simply state, "Meh, they'll figure it out eventually."

This is what I think today's secular society does not grasp. It turns guidelines and directions into jail bars instead of into a helping hand.

This is why so much of the world is even afraid to consider the possibility that there might be appropriate boundaries to set in regard to things such as sexual engagement, cohabitation, abortion and contraception, among other things.

Having guidelines (when they are for good reason) doesn't diminish our freedom! It expands our freedom by helping us to flourish by not touching the hot stove, by waiting for things to cool, by controlling impulses to engage in behaviors at the right times under the right circumstances. It helps us avoid ending up in the rut that certain missteps lead us to.

As noted before, missteps will happen. But let's do the best we can to help each other along the road. Providing advice. Explaining ourselves. Lamenting our errors. Providing forgiveness, healing, and helpful knowledge to the one who laments and to our brothers and sisters before they come to lament.

Which brings me to my title (An Answer In A Fallen World) and subtitle (What My Faith Means To Me)...

I'm speaking about truth here. I'm speaking about helpful knowledge and guidelines. And I believe those can be found in the Catholic Church. I believe this not only because I have been raised in a Catholic family but because I have asked questions and the answers the Church has provided have made sense.

I believe that just as the man and woman came before a child, a loving Creator came before the man and the woman. And as a loving and all-knowing parent He provided us with a set of guidelines for us to live our lives to attain happiness. While this happiness does not mean living without pain, His guidelines will lead us on a path where we are likely to avoid much unnecessary pain. 

From there I hope and believe that if we follow these guidelines we will grow in closeness to the One who Created us and will ultimately get to spend eternity with our Creator in the Heavenly realm once He has purged us of our erroneous ways. Then we may live in perfect peace and joy with Him.

So am I saying that the you become Catholic and "Whalla! All your problems are solved!"? No. As I noted, there will be pain, but that pain will be put towards growth and life will have meaning.

The words "answer" and "simple solution" are not simultaneous. As long as sin is in the world, we are going to experience pain. We are going to make mistakes. We are going to be tempted. We are going to be hurt. But the greatest answer we can set our hearts on is having something to HOPE in...

And in a world where people fell so hopeless, confused, lost, unloved, and desperate, that HOPE is sure something we need!

In summary, this is why I do not consider Catholicism to be bigotry. Because I believe as Catholics we are part of a family under the protection and guidance of the Church and that God is Our Father who knows all things and hands down knowledge and guidelines to His children out of LOVE with Mother Church at His side.

This is why I consider Catholicism to be attractive and joy-filled and consider it key to my living a happy and fulfilling life.

For specifics on why Catholics believe and teach certain things: ASK! Ask a Catholic friend, a parish priest, etc. etc. If they do not have the answers, you can search for them together and find someone who does.

Being A Witness For Christ At Work

"And when they had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and sat down together, Peter sat down among them. Then a servant girl, seeing him as he sat in the light and looking closely at him, said, 'This man also was with me.' But he denied it saying, 'Woman, I do not know him.' And a little later someone else saw him and said, 'You also are one of them.' But Peter said, 'Man, I am not.' And after an interval of about an hour still another insisted, saying, "Certainly this man also was with him, for he too is a Galilean.' But Peter said, 'Man, I do not know what you are talking about.' And immediately, while he was still speaking, the rooster crowed."

~ LUKE 22: 55-60

(Why) Failures

I have been Peter countless time in the last year and even in the past weeks. My denial is a silence rather than an outburst. This may seem less terrible, but it really isn't. It's cowardice. The situations I am in are far less intimidating and penalizing than the one Peter was in. Last Fall some of my coworkers were talking about their relatives and faith. They even got onto the topics of horror films, exorcism, and why family members had left the faith. I stood by quietly, sad and troubled but too shy to speak up and volunteer that I am Catholic and could even try to answer some questions if they had any.

God has given me other opportunities to be a witness to him. Not a witness as in galavanting or acting as though I am better than others, but a witness that there are still young Catholics in the world who love and embrace Jesus and His message. Someone who doesn't blush or shrug her shoulders at words like "Jesus" or "Heaven."

This Easter, naturally the topic of faith came up again. One coworker flatly denied believing in Jesus Christ (something the coworker is not afraid to share regularly), another shared "I suppose I technically identify as Christian," another shared that due to not having much family around she wouldn't be doing a whole lot to celebrate the holiday. A different coworker even openly rejoiced in not having to celebrate Easter anymore, as the family members that believed are now deceased. If only I were even half as animated about my joy in celebrating Easter as my coworker was in not celebrating Easter. Being my squeamish and cowardly self, I brushed it off simply stating that I wouldn't be doing a whole lot for Easter either since I don't see much of extended family anymore. "Probably just a celebratory breakfast," I quipped. I didn't want to be conciliatory! Even in the moment I wanted to be a witness, but I was weak! My actions were quite automatic even if in my mind in the moment I was asking myself how I could show my love of God and support for Easter.

Today when we listened to "The Ants Go Marching" in class and number seven was rhymed with "pray to Heaven" a number of my coworkers stopped singing when they got to the word Heaven and openly rolled their eyes or looked uncomfortable. I made sure to at least sing that word as openly as the rest of the words. A small sign of some strength in me.

God is generously giving me the opportunities I've asked for to witness to Him at work! This week a small wooden clasp with two icons inside -- one of the Blessed Virgin and Baby Jesus and another of Jesus as a gown man -- popped up in our classroom out of the blue. My atheist coworker commented on almost feeling a temptation to take it home because it was pretty neat. He joked that since he didn't believe maybe it was a sign. I agreed with this, even welcoming his taking it, but he most obviously didn't know that while he was joking about it being a sign I wasn't, and I didn't make it in any way-shape-or-form apparent that I wasn't really joking. He asked a few other coworkers if it was theirs. They flatly denied it, some even noting that it was not an "APPROPRIATE" thing to be in our work zone. At the end of the day I noticed it was gone and my heart skipped a beat, wondering where it could have gone to. I saw it on a different table and quickly picked it up and put it in my pocket to make sure it would be shown the reverence it deserved and not simply tossed out. A Catholic coworker walked in just minutes later. I showed her the clasp and we awed over it. I then learned the coworker alongside her was also Catholic. They were wondering whose it was as well.

The Why

Now that I've listed many of the experiences I've had at work related to speaking up for or AT LEAST NOT BLUSHING (I'm that weak?) at faith references, I would like to address a few questions. Why am I so weak? Why does God allow this? <-- (not in ANY way to put the blame on God as if He's not doing His job!!!) My failures are by no means honorable or a good thing. The fact that God can bring good out of evil does not excuse my behavior or lack of it. The reason for my mistakes is nothing other than cowardice. I may try to excuse this with overthinking like "Well I wanted to be careful not to..." or "I just wasn't sure this was the right time..." but in all truth it comes down to cowardice.

Whose Power Is It?

So where does the good our of evil part come into play? I think it comes into play in the same way that God gives me weaknesses to save me from my prone-to-pride nature. While cowardice is evil, what is even more evil is a heart that GLOATS in its successes as if the human connected to it acted well out his or her own strength and goodness. As Pete the Cat would say, "Goodness, no!" And so, through my failures Christ is emphasizing to my conscious awareness the fact that on my own I am a weak failure. Even with the desire to do His Will, my desire is not enough to give me superpowers. It is not through my own strength that I witness to the Lord. I am entirely dependent on God. I need to beg Him on my knees to give me the strength and to work and act through me. Because of how many failures I have had, I can finally see clearly that I 100% cannot do this without the generous grace of God! Where I do witness successfully, it is an answer to a prayer! It is ALL HIM! It is generosity, not Him giving me my dues.

I would rather experience 12 failures followed by 1 success after a heartfelt prayer on my knees for God's mercy and generosity than 13 successes with a gloating heart. The evil of that gloating heart would be greater than the good brought out through my successes, because pride is the greatest evil (the greatest LIE) of all!

Hope and Action

And so the greatest goods come through trial and error and an open and honest dependence on the Father. I have denied Him more than three times in my weakness, and this has left me with GREAT gratitude to be able to speak the words "Lord I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof but only say the word and my soul shall be healed."

My I now approach God with humility, tenderness, and true love, and ask Him to pour His Spirit into my heart to witness to Him with openness and pride (the good kind; the glowing pride in Him, not in myself).

Prayer is necessary. There is no perfect formula for success, because in the end it is all up to God whether or not He will answer my prayers to give me strength. But He wants and knows what is best, and when I do succeed may I not only bring glory to Him but maintain an utmost gratitude stemming from humility in knowing that IT IS ALL UNDESERVED GIFT. IT IS ALL HIM: The King of Mercy who has given us the utmost honor in transforming us into His vessels here on earth.

My Massage Therapist Is My ER

You know those little things in life? Those little things that we consider accessories? Like 10 hours of sleep and a massage therapist? Yah. Those aren't accessories for me.

They're my only way of survival.

Those statements may come off as coming from a spoiled brat, but there really are people out there where it would be as helpful to have insurance covering those "little (big) things" as a monthly check-up or a trip to the ER. And, no, this post isn't a complaint about insurance. I understand that it's a struggle to know when things are necessary and what to cover for whom, and sometimes you just have to bide your way. Many people are struggling with worse financial/insurance problems than I am. Many people don't even have those check-ups and ER visits covered.

That said. It's those little big things in life that keep me from having to check into the ER or spend my time in a rehab unit, etc. It's those little things that let me at least bide my way through life bit by bit. (That and living at home dependent on parental contributions to help with the everyday things in life: housing, food, transportation, and hopefully sanity.)

This post is about my coming to terms with the term "needs" and gradually coming to "accept" them with all the financial turmoil and looking lazy that comes with them.

It's funny being someone with invisible special needs. And it's funny (by no means "haha" funny) coming to the realization that certain things for you are as much "needs" as a caste is for a broken leg. But when you reach the point where your jaw is stiff, your throat is tight, and you keep on gagging as you get ready to go somewhere, yes, these things do become "needs."

When you reach the point where it takes rational restraint not to bang your head on things because the energy in your body is like an explosion, when you reach the point where you can feel your ribs and half of the bones in your body (because taking care of yourself is too much work or money is too big of a stressor), when you reach the point where you have to hold onto things in the kitchen or you... not might, but will... (step 1) feel insanely warm, (step 2) lose all sensation in your body, (step 3) see nothing but white dots enveloping your vision, (step 4) collapse on the ground... Yep. These little "splurges" become not splurges but "needs for survival."

Those expenses become as important as the food you buy and the gas money you spend. The expense of a monthly massage. The expense of a visit to the chiropractor. The expense of only working part time.

Someday I hope to be independent. Someday I hope to fend for myself. I never want to be that person who relies on someone who abuses his or her power. That said, I first need to come to terms with my needs. Rebudgeting adulthood could be totally a thing. But it's time to let the word "needs" in my vocabulary. Not that I absolutely "need" a McFlurry or DQ Blizzard (if I can even eat dairy, lol). But there are "special needs" in my life that require extra attention and additional finances just like there are for someone born with down syndrome or autism or cerebral palsy.

It may seem like I should've figured this stuff out by now. But it's hard coming to terms with the fact that you have "special needs." Especially if you're someone like me who strives to be exceptional in her 20s.

If you're like me, pay attention to those needs. Accept them. Let them into your vocabulary, into your monthly bills, into your self-advocacy and way of life. Because maybe it's Jesus asking for an opportunity to love you and for you to trust in Him.

Note to self: Oh. And if you're me. Do that same thing thing too. ;)