The Cross of Non-Vulnerability

People say that being vulnerable is scary, but what I really think is scary is the thought of being vulnerable with someone who doesn't want you to be vulnerable with them. This might not be the case for all people, but I still have this sense that deep down we all want to share about ourselves. We want to be known, but we don't really think anyone cares.

Personally, I think the idea of being vulnerable with people is freeing. It hurts when people don't want to get to know the real me.

Do I have the right to be known? I've always assumed no, but for the first time I think that might be wrong. Maybe if I actually acknowledged my worth I would go up to the people I call friends and say, "Here's the real me. Take it or leave it." 

I feel like so many of my friends are afraid to get to know the real me, but that's actually really degrading if that's the case.

I think the main reason people are afraid of others being vulnerable with them is because it makes them feel helpless. They feel guilt for the fact that someone just opened up their heart to them and they can't help them. If you think about it, that's actually selfish: forcing people to hide behind walls so that you don't have to face the reality that you might just need to be their friend and not get exalted to the position of savior.

Until we let others open up to us, we aren't actually accepting them or showing them their worth. How disgusting is that, if you think about it? So many of us (perhaps everyone) is hiding some wound deep inside - some integral part of them - that they don't want others to see, because they assume that others don't want to see or know about it but just want to stay in their comfortable little lives. I hope this assumption is wrong; otherwise, it turns out we really are a cold-hearted people.

How many people are not being touched by Christ, because people aren't letting Christ work through them as listener and comforter? If no other comfort, there is a comfort in being listened to.

Are we ruled by fear our courage? 

I'll be the first to admit that for me it's fear: not fear of people opening up to me but of people not wanting me to open up to them.

I pray that more people will open themselves up to others as listeners. Stop turning away our friends. Stop saying, "I love you, but don't tell me." Stop giving them the vibe that you have boundaries with them that won't let them be human.

I would like to set a new personal boundary. And this boundary says that if you don't want to get to know me for me then this isn't really a friendship and why am I wasting my time on this facade?

Self-Neglect Is Not Humility (Killing Myself Slowly)

I think for most people, when they hear a term like "self-abuse" they right away think physical abuse like cutting, but I must note that abuse falls into multiple categories and one of these is most certainly neglect.

Am I finding time to maintain a proper diet? 

Am I consistently eating healthy foods every day?

Am I getting the proper amount of sleep I need or forcing my body to sacrifice routine?

Do I have a social life where I get support from peers?

Am I finding time to work out to attain/maintain physical and psychological health?

Am I physically straining my body beyond a safe and healthy level of activity?

Am I finding time to maintain my own sanity and enjoy life through recreation & relaxation?

In other words:

Are my physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual needs being met?

This list is not all-encompassing and could be much longer...

I've been living under the presumption that it's okay (in fact, good and selfless) for me to not take care of myself so long as I am sacrificing my own self-care for the care of others. However, I have recently learned that is not the case. (Praise the Lord!)

Indeed, in the Hierarchy of Charity, we are supposed to take care of our own needs before we take care of those of others. We may have all heard the phrase "take care of yourself first or you will have nothing left to give others." However, this phrase can be misconstrued. We do not simply take care of ourselves so that we can take care of others. We have value in ourselves too!!!

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your bodies." (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

"Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in your midst? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy that person; for God's temple is sacred, and you together are that temple." (1 Corinthians 3:16-17)

"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death." (Philippians 1:20)

I did not realize that self-care is a Christian practice prescribed by God! Nor did I realize that it is actually wrong to tend to others needs at the neglect of your own.

I recently read through an article that was pretty self-descriptory. The article talked about tendencies certain types of people have, and so many of these tendencies were to demean and devalue themselves. Literally, when I looked at these descriptions - while I recognized the tendencies four-fold - as I pictured anyone else doing them I thought, "This is sad! It makes me sad to even think that anyone would treat himself this way! Nobody should be treated this way. Not by others or by himself."

Now that I think about it, over a year ago I was having a conversation with my spiritual director when she told me that we tend to look at canonized saints and their self-sacrificing living which often include inflicting pain of themselves. She explained to me that we are not all called to that lifestyle. This was a novelty to me. I only just now began to internalize the message not only that we are not called to hurt ourselves through intentional infliction of pain but also that we are called to not neglect our own needs. Self-neglect is not a holy and sacred practice. You are neglecting God's temple: a gift that He has prized to you and that He desires to see flourish.

Self-abuse is not only active but passive. 

With this is mind, I would like to share some ideas for things for you to put on your radar. Each day ask yourself:

Your self-care list may vary slightly, but overall it should include the important things. Take care of yourself! You will by no means be 100% perfect, but you should always be working towards the goal of meeting all of these needs. If your needs are not being met, it's important to reach out for help. That is NOT selfish. That is acknowledging your worth as a Temple of the Holy Spirit and taking care of that temple. 

Try making this your daily checklist. Talk to friends, a priest, a psychologist, etc. if you are having a difficult time making the completion of this checklist possible... you are not alone!