Glorifying God Through Mental Illness: The Blessings Of Mental Illness

There's nothing glamorous about mental illness. It's painful in a whole different way from other illnesses, because on top of the physical pain it can be hard to even know what is true and what is false, and with it may come great moments of fear or scrupulosity or irregular activity. The thing I struggle with most with mental illness is a feeling of guilt, because I don't know when my inability to do things other people do is due to a lack in good character or something related to my illness. I overthink everything.

I wish to acknowledge these things, because some people with mental illness may be shocked or even hurt to hear me say "There Are Blessings That Come With Mental Illness." It might sound like I don't understand mental illness. Like I'm insensitive. The reason I know some people with mental illness might feel this way is because I often feel people don't understand. I can become easily angry when people treat it as "just" mental illness or are surprised by the fact that even in instances when I've had episodes of vomiting and being hardly conscious or have endured an ear infection, even IN those instances I have turned to God and said, "I would rather spend every night with these symptoms [vomiting over the toilet] than have to take another day with depression or anxiety." There is also irony in the fact that when I had an ear infection, while I wanted it to go away, I also acknowledged that "at least it distracts me from my depression which is more painful." I didn't miss a day of work [not even a 12 hour days] while I had an ear infection but have missed many due to depression and anxiety. I once told a friend - upon coming to the realization - that I was working myself sick because at least while I wasn't taking care of myself I could distract myself from the illnesses due to having no time to attend to or acknowledge their presence.

The above paragraphs are to let readers know that YES, I know firsthand how bad mental illness is. I don't know everyone's story. Many people suffer far worse than I do, but I DO know that it is an excruciating suffering, often a state of bewilderment, and it's just plain painful.

With the above being stated, I would like to describe a conversation I had with a friend not long ago. We were talking about the difficulties that come with mental illness when I told her, "It's funny, because sometimes I turn to God and think of asking Him to cure me of this illness, but then I'm not always sure that I want to do that, because what if without this illness I couldn't complete the plan He has for my life? If I didn't have this illness, I might lose some of the sensitivity and compassion I have for other people dealing with mental illness. I might not fight for them so much, care so much, etc."

Below I would like to explain three of the blessings I think come with having a mental illness:

1. We can offer it up to save souls.

Everyone in life suffers. We suffer from different things. Poverty, neglect, abuse, persecution... often from multiple things listed in the above categories. We each carry a cross. Some of our crosses are more invisible than others. 

For me personally, I am so incredibly blessed. A homeless veteran once told me that after seeing the world he realized that even living on the streets of Colorado he was one of the top 1% most privileged people in the world. That hit me hard. If he is in the top 1% most privileged, then what am I?

I thank God that I have something to offer Him. It's a difficult thing to offer Him, because sometimes in the midst of suffering I feel so much guilt that I have a hard time believing that good can come from these evils. Yet God works in incredible ways, and the truth is that, as we [people dealing with mental illness] perhaps sit in the middle of a psychotic breakdown and feel we are letting people down, that we are a burden, that the pain is too much, that more evil than good is in the midst of this... GOD IS WORKING MIRACLES THROUGH US IF WE OFFER IT UP. HE IS LOOKING DOWN ON US AND SAYING, "GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT, I AM PLEASED" even when we feel like the worst, most weak and negligent servant there is. 

By taking our cross and offering it up for the salvation of souls and various good causes, even by simply saying, "Lord, I accept this if it be Your Will," we are bringing so much glory to God. With mental illness we have the HONOR / PRIVILEGE of suffering for each other and with Jesus in an incredible way invisible to our eyes. Someday we will get to Heaven and see that not one drop of our suffering, our agony, was in vain - even when we felt hopeless.

2. It builds within us a compassion for others struggling with the illness and opens our eyes to things we might otherwise not see.

Just days after having the above conversation with a friend, I can across a quotation from St. Bernard which perfectly summed up what I was trying to explain to her. St. Bernard is quoted as saying "He who is well does not notice another's sickness; and he who is satiated does not understand the suffering of the hungry." 

The book continued, stating "The more a sick person resembles another sick person, and one hungry person another hungry person, the deeper is their sympathy for the other's difficulties" (How To Profit From Your Faults, by Joseph Tissot, 60).

Indeed. Perhaps my mental illness is integral to building my character and pointing me in the direction of the plans God has for my life. This doesn't mean I shouldn't ask Him to appease the pain. This doesn't even mean I have to go so far as to be grateful for the illness. Yet I personally find reason to be, because I want to fulfill what God made me to be more than I want a pain-free life. That pain-free life will be Heaven for me, and what GREATER rejoicing will I find in Heaven when I am able to say that not only did Christ drink His cup for me but I drank my cup for Him!

3. While sometimes it leads to sin, it can also keep us from committing worse sins at times.

There are certain sins that my mental illness points me towards. That said, my mental illness has also kept me from other sins. It helps me to look to Christ more rather than falling into the sin of thinking I'm so perfect and don't need God. It keeps me focused on looking for solutions at times when I might otherwise be scrolling through Facebook and comparing myself to others on there.

I once saw a comic with a picture of a person yelling to God, "God, why have you abandoned me!?" Meanwhile, a bunch of guardian angels are fighting demons that are running at the person in every direction. Sometimes we are so blinded by the hardships in front of us that we don't see the thousands which God is saving us from.

4. It leaves us unsatisfied: wanting peace, wanting more...

"Our hearts are restless until they rest in You." We hear and say this over and over again, but mental illness really brings our understanding of this reality to the forefront!

Everyone lives with a pain and emptiness within them. I have finally come to the realization that this pain and emptiness is not simply due to my depression. But my depression certainly builds my awareness of it!

As we suffer here on earth, experiencing great pain and anguish, this reminds us of a truth. While mental illness unfortunately leads many to forget the truth that they are PRICELESS, it certainly brings to our conscience the truth that WE CAN'T DO THIS ON OUR OWN and builds within us a hope that we were MADE FOR SOMETHING MORE.

How impoverished we would be if we went through life without a single pain yet unaware of the great hole within us that God wants to fill with the treasure of Himself. We would have so little, yet not realize that we were missing out on something so great. We would not come to the realization that we are not made for something more. This in itself would be a tragedy.

Personally, I find that as I suffer this builds within me a greater desire for Heaven and the resurrection of the dead (myself among them). My emptiness has been magnified by mental illness, and I have tried to fill it with distractions and tangible comforts and pleasures. But when it all comes down to it, I still sense that something is missing, and this points me to CHRIST. In prayer I find my greatest comfort. It is the one place where I find peace, where things are not tinted in superficiality (though I would not go so far as to say that I find submitting to prayer easy).

Suffering reminds us of our inadequacy and points us to our purpose. "Ask and ye shall receive. Seek and ye shall find." With my mental illness, I know that I desire something more. I desire a purpose. I desire peace. I desire a better life. That purpose is living for Christ. That peace is found in the depths of prayer and devotion. And that better life sits before me in Heaven if I but carry this cross with Jesus and Mary by my side and eyes lifted high.

HEALTH BLOG #1 - Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Allergies

I considered starting a new blog specifically dedicated to health. I considered posting more things on YouTube related to mental health. I considered making a new Facebook page or converting my old one to be dedicated to mental health. I considered starting a Website, but I already made one long ago, so should I convert that? I wondered whether I should keep things strictly to my Facebook page or have them on parts of the Internet to help other people or... 

Ok. So I'm still that girl who wrote the first blog on this page - "Accepting Every Part of Me" - and will never be able to grasp myself in one little box or dedicate myself entirely to ONE focus, because that's not how I roll. So I'm going to do what I said I would in my very first blog and have this blog compromise different parts of me. This blog just happens to be part of the HEALTH segment. 

Let's go.

There isn't exactly a way to sum up my conditions, so I'm just going to limit myself to a short segment on each of them in this blog post.

Depression

1. What is depression?

Click here for a short description of the disorder. Depression is considering a mood disorder, but it is so much more than in the head. It manifests itself physically as well as psychologically. (If you have time, click here for a 20 minute movie describing depression more accurately than any video I've seen or article I've read.)

2. What does depression feel like?

Depression is a different experience for each person who suffers with it. Symptoms may also vary from day-to-day. Depression is often best described in metaphors, as we lack a vocabulary to truly describe it. While sadness is one possible side effect of depression, other ways it can be described include as a feeling a hollowness or emptiness, numbness of the skin or other body parts, a feeling of an invisible pressure or heaviness holding down the body physically. This is a way my depression commonly manifests itself.

3. How does depression affect my daily life?

The feeling of numbness I described above often results in physical difficulty getting up each morning. This can result in my missing work or sleeping in until the last minute and barely eating breakfast since the food doesn't want to go down. I noted to my therapist once that I didn't miss a single day of work when I had an ear infection, but that it was so much easier going to work with an ear infection than with depression. She seemed surprised, but to me that's an obvious fact. I can go a day or more without leaving the house due to this numb feeling (even though I want to get out, see friends, and be productive). 

4. How do I try to treat my depression?

Their are various ways to treat depression. Right now I am on medications and seeing a therapist. I hope to add in physical exercise and to get myself some good nutrition. Massage therapy may also come in the loop. I hope it will bring a feeling of positivity and presence back into my body. A hobby that keeps me up during the day without increasing my depression (like social media does) could be helpful as well.

5. How does this disorder interact with my other disorders?

All the conditions I deal with are so interlinked that it's hard to tell what symptoms are actually caused my what. For example, some of the symptoms I bring up in the anxiety disorder segment below might also have a relationship to my depression such as headaches. It's hard to know if some of my physical sensations such as headaches are more related to depression, anxiety, or allergies.

Anxiety Disorder

1. What is anxiety disorder?

Click here for a short description of the disorder. 

2. What does anxiety disorder feel like?

I chose the picture above to try to describe the sensation of chronic anxiety. The best way I can describe it to someone without the disorder is like this. Imagine you're hiking on a mountain by a cliff and suddenly your foot slips on the ledge. For the following half second your breath halts and your whole body snaps into action without your conscious control as you reach out to catch yourself on the ground. Now imagine that half second going on perpetually. That's anxiety. Your whole body is in tense, self-preservation mode. Your adrenaline is rushing. Imagine your body never went out of that panic state or that your heart is racing as you look over the cliff that you almost fell over.

3. How does anxiety disorder affect my daily life?

Anxiety manifests itself in so many ways. One might think that in the morning, when my depression is telling me I can't move my anxiety disorder would tell me to spring into action. Actually, my anxiety disorder keeps me transfixed to the bed or from leaving the living room. In order to fight back against the physical weight of depression, the energy required to get me out of bed would be so great that it would set my heart racing. The cushions I am laying on feel like the only safe place.  Considering the fact that getting up to go to the bathroom sounds like walking on a ledge (adrenaline-wise) and going to work sounds like falling over that ledge (adrenaline-wise), my anxiety results in my laying in bed watching YouTube and THEN beating myself up for the fact that I'm ruining my life and being a drag and am such a problem (self-talk).

[Getting up to go to work sounds like being trapped in a corner with strong force looming over me, holding me there.]

4. How do I try to treat my anxiety disorder?

Once again, the treatments I am on are medications and receiving therapy. I think that getting good nutrition and plenty of exercise to let out the energy-drive overload is AT LEAST as important in treating my anxiety as my depression. 

5. How does this disorder interact with my other disorders?

Having anxiety and depression is like having two forces pressing on your body. The depression is pushing downward (making it hard to rise) while the anxiety is pushing upward (making it difficult to find peace even while laying in bed). Allergies just add confusion to the mix.

Allergies

1. What is an allergy and how does it "express itself"?

Click here for a wonderful, concise description of the biology of allergies.

2. What do my allergies feel like?

Hm. Does the picture above give you some idea? Last week, when I had allergy testing done, my back looked like that (but worse). For me allergies present themselves the most in sensations of itchiness all over the skin and in drainage in my nose that often goes into my throat. (Extreme itchiness can be worse than any other type of pain I've experienced.) The pressure in my head due to allergy often gives me headaches and eye-aches and sometimes earaches. 

3. How do my allergies affect my daily life?

If my headaches are caused my allergies, then I can definitely say that they keep me up some nights. I received allergy testing last week (like in the picture above) and tested positive to about 45 of the 54 environmental causes tested for. Because of how numerous my allergies are and because few, if any, seem to be life-threatening (though highly unpleasant), I tend to put up with being in the presence of or exposed to things I am allergic to. (For example, you can't really avoid birch trees in Minnesota if you want to get any sunshine, right?) That said, there are some things I have to tell people I am allergic to (such as shaving cream) or my nose turns into an instant waterfall (no exaggeration). I have to be careful what textures I expose my skin to, what perfumes are in the air, and an wary of certain foods or chemicals.

4. How do I try to treat my allergies?

I am currently on medications which help SO MUCH but do not eliminate my allergies. If I were not on medications it would be like being in a torture chamber. (I know this because I had to go off my meds for 5-7 days prior to allergy testing.) I am working on organizing my surroundings so that at least at home my worst allergies (such as to dust) are less activated. I hope to also isolate which foods make me feel better or worse.

5. How do my allergies interact with my other health conditions?

People tend to not take my allergies seriously because they aren't life-threatening, and when I request accommodations for them I tend to feel like a burden. Because it is hard to know what causes what (ex: headaches, moodiness, and so forth), I often am not 100% sure what I am allergic to or how allergic I am to it. When I am not 100% sure that something is as allergy (which is usually the case), I internally beat myself up for "faking it" or "making a big deal out of things." These negative inside voices link back to my anxiety and depression.