My Relationship With My Body Weight (Is Gaining A Few Pounds In Your 20s Bad?)

When I was in middle school (and into early high school) I reached my peak weight of 140. At this point in my life my anxiety and depression were at their all-time peak and my health was, as a result, at it's lowest. 

Come Fall of my junior year of high school, without even intending to, I lost twenty pounds going from 140 to 120. It just so happens that these years of my life were some of my healthiest in terms of mental health and overall physical activity. 

Come college, I heard the rumor of "Freshman 15." This girl wasn't going to let that happen. I watched my diet a whee bit but I didn't starve myself either. I went to the gym every day for about an hour. (It's probably worth noting that I was probably more infatuated with keeping my weight down than was healthy. When you work off 1000 calories in one workout..... yeah.) That said, I did not gain the Freshman 15 so that was exciting for me.

All throughout college and into my first two years out of college, my weight typically balanced between 130 and 135. To be honest, sometimes I wasn't eating enough, but this was more-so due to a variety of other things (lethargy, small appetite, etc.) instead of being intentional.

Well, I hit 24 and went through the most stressful two months of my life since my early teens. Around the tail-end of this period my weight suddenly bounced up averaging between 139-141. 

Yes - I FREAKED OUT. 

My anxiety around weight skyrocketed to the point there I almost felt dizzy with anxiety. I would try to cut back my daily intake from around 2000 calories a day to the 1500 range.

Allow me to explain a little of why freaked out, because there's more to it than one might guess:

When I was at my peak weight of 140 I was going through the most difficult period of my life. In the midst of this period I only had ONE REAL FRIEND in high school. The other kids ignored me and even acted as if I didn't exist. I had an experience in eighth grade where I sat down by a group of about ten peers on the bleachers at a football game and within a minute they ALL stood up and walked away: not acknowledging me and leaving me sitting completely alone.

My next two years of high school didn't get much better.

It wasn't until I transferred to public school my junior year of high school (and had done enough psychological analysis to master the art of making friends and fitting in) that things got better. I finally felt semi-popular. I felt accepted. I had friends from a whole array of groups at school and even fit in with the "popular kids" for a bit until I decided this wasn't quite going to work out for me.

Coincidentally? -- I started putting more effort into my appearance (a hair and make-up transformation), because I finally felt I had something worth showing up looking good for, and, yes, I lost 20 pounds.

As noted above, this weight loss wasn't really intentional (my appetite just suddenly went away for a few weeks), but it did boost my self-esteem. 

As a result, I associate my weight with how I have related with the world and people in my life while at that weight. 

So when I stepped on the scale a week ago and the scale went all the way up to 141, my heart started pounding faster. In the past if I gain a few pounds and reach say 136 I was able to get back to 133 over the course of a day or two (probably because weight fluctuates some during the day).

In this case, I started paying more attention to my calorie intake (which I had initially started logging to make sure I was eating more than just a "straight carb" diet). The lowest I could get my weight down to was 138 and then it would fly back to 140.

~*~

For people who watch "This Is Us," this might sound like the first episode where Kate goes to a group for overweight people and meets a slender girl named Madison.

You could be thinking, "Sheila, you're so skinny and freaking out over nothing just like Madison."

In some ways you might not be wrong, but my figure and ability to maintain a reasonable body weight over the last eight years of my life is something I have always been proud of. It's something that boosts my self-esteem when I'm feeling low. It's something I feel a sense of control over in a world where I often feel a lack of control.

So here comes Thanksgiving and I'm trying mercilessly to lose 5-10 pounds, BUT I'm also FREAKING OUT so much over my weight that my body trembles and I feel the need to snack. Of course, a snack only confirms the voice in my head saying, "What a loser. You're never going to be skinny again. You've lost it for good" ........

All this said, I am grateful that my mom mentioned to me today that people in their twenties aren't necessarily expected to stay at the same body weight as their teens in order to be healthy. I did a bit of research and loe and behold found an article titled "Ways Every Women's Body Changes In Her Twenties" by Brittany Brolley.

The line that truly stood out to me from this article was:

"While putting on a few pounds may have you thinking about dieting, it's not a great idea. Restricting your caloric intake will actually only make it harder to lose weight, according to Cleveland Clinic nutrition expert Kristin Kirkpatrick. 'The more you diet, the more your metabolism may be negatively impacted,' she explained. Developing healthy eating and exercise patterns is best."

BOOM! WOWZA! Self-acceptance booster much? And, also, this realization brought me the relief that I don't need to be starving myself. Sure, I should watch myself for "overeating," but 2000 calories a day is not bad and could in fact be better for my body than 1500 at this stage in my life.

Working out could be a key to get into my routine to make sure that the pounds I do have are healthy pounds. I truly feel encouraged and wanted to share this with fellow women so they can also know that gaining a few pounds in your 20s is healthy. Would I rather have my "high school body" back? Sure, but having a few extra pounds on the table is NOT something to worry about: it's a sign of health.

Well, readers, that's all for today. May we all live happy and healthy lives with a balanced diet and strong workout routine to support us. :)

WHAT Do They Inspire? Choosing My Influences

I've come to the realization that the majority of people who I follow in Instagram and YouTube do awaken something in me, but I would not like to call that thing inspiration. Here's why:

When I scroll through Instagram, look at Insta-Stories, or watch cover after cover and video after video on YouTube I my thoughts instantly go to "I want to be like this person. How can I be like them?"

They "inspire" me to want 50K - 400K Instagram followers like them. They inspire me to want hundred of subscribers and 5K - 1M views on my videos. This is what they "inspire" in me.

I'm not saying these are bad people, but I am saying that these people who I dedicate anywhere from minutes to hours of my day to on a daily basis (both in following their channels and in the way I spend my mental energy the rest of the day) almost solely inspire me to want to be like them: to want to be popular, to want to look perfect, to want to have followers and idolizers.

Is this true inspiration?

Perhaps instead of listing off public figures or social media entities that I "wanna-be-like" as my inspirations I could examine what they inspire me to do.

To be an inspirer or influencer really just means you are a noun that performs an adjective. You "inspire" or "influence" people to do or want things... but to do or want WHAT?

If someone inspires me to try to create popular social media accounts and to have a perfect public image, I want to identify this and delete them.

If my influencers really just lower my self-esteem, if I'm defending my influencers who say their goal is to build people up who then dedicate their entire account to "look at me-me-me" and "support me-me-me"... that just doesn't seem right.

I've realized that the majority of the people I consider influences in my life feel to me two-faced (like they say one thing "I care about you" and focus on another "so look at me"). These are not people I know in person. I have rarely met any of them. When I do meet them the impact they have on me is not a sense of empowerment but as a sense of, "This person is great, popular, has what I want, etc. so I need to impress him or her or I'm doomed."

They inspire me to want to impress them (or to have what they have) and nothing else.

Hardly sounds inspirational when you look it into words, right?

~*~

I would like to contrast this with some of the nearest and dearest people to me in my own life. Two people come to mind especially (my friends Stephanie and Meaghan) when I think of people who bring to life in me IDEAS and fill me with a LOVE for and a JOY for life not with a desire to grasp popularity but with a joy in exploring, analyzing, and simply enjoying literature and ideas... these are the INFLUENCERS I want in my life.

I think two reasons these people I engage with in conversation are such a joy simply to talk to and explore ideas with is that they don't live in the world of social media. They either don't have social media or rarely go on it. It's not a central part of their lives. They would get along just swimmingly in Victorian England :)

It is so rare to find these sorts of people today: people whose very conversation with you is so stimulating that rather than inspiring you to run off and advertise yourself to the world they inspire you to sit in beauty and joy. Life is FASCINATING with these people. I have never met anyone like them.

My hope is that I can FINALLY let go of following all the "influencers" I talk about admiring on social media and YouTube. My best friend once told me there's no real way to be on YouTube without some sort of ego or agenda. I wholeheartedly agree. 

I'm not saying it's going to be easy letting go of these influences. They have become a sort of "go to" / "addiction." They get me to not live in the moment but to live in some world of perfect pictures, popularity contests, and a two-faced asking for attention while telling people you actually care about them. 

They bring me into a world of manipulation where livelihood is driven by "likes" and where you draw people in by pretending to others (and possibly to yourself) that they should support you for their own sake. You ask them for things (views, subscriptions, mail orders, etc.) while saying it's for them.

I think in this ^^ sort of world people don't even realize they're being manipulative, because they've either manipulated or blinded their own selves to seeing the truth (that they convince you to give them things by telling you how much they give you).

~*~

I think identifying and ridding my life of these influencers and replacing my time and attention with appreciating literature and stimulating conversations is the #1 thing I can do in my life to make me into the person I want to become.

So here's to starting... 

7 Things That Have Me Head-Over-Heels For Minnesota (suburbs especially)

One of the greatest things moving out of state has given me is an appreciation for my homeland. That isn't to say there aren't amazing things in other parts of the country/world, but in my personal opinion no place quite compares to home. 

Perhaps that's why Minnesota / the Twin Cities listed by multiple sources as one of the top places to live in the United States. Here's why I love it:

1. The People

I have met fabulous people from all over the United States, but Minnesota is my home base. It is where I have made a varieties dear and loyal friends throughout various stages of my life. So many of these friendships have turned LIFELONG, and my friends are both a joy to spend time with and have a wonderful influence on me.

Oh, and my family's here too which KNOCKS MY SOCKS OFF!

2. The Roads

I have NEVER before had such a great appreciation for midwestern roads in my life -- especially those in Minnesota. At least in the Twin Cities, our roads are typically flat and easy to maneuver, well-lit, and come with nice size shoulders for incase you need to pull over. 

Drivers are also "more often than not" good sports -- I'm not saying we don't have any aggressive drivers -- and do a decent job of taking turns and not tailgating. (Note: This is not all the time. You will find your fare share of tailgaters in Minnesota, but I wouldn't call tailgating the "norm." -- I would also like to warn against people not using turn signals, but from my experience this seems to be a trend all throughout the U.S.)

3. The Geographical Layout (Variety; Proximity; Walking/Biking...) 

Ah, geography. Some people complain about Minnesota being "too flat," but personally I think our flatness makes for easy transportation and great visibility on the road. Walking and biking places is easy to do both in and outside of the city. Most cities and suburbs have sidewalks pretty near everywhere.

Another pro to Minnesota is that we have VARIETY. If you like the busy city feel you can go to downtown Minneapolis or St. Paul, but if you prefer a refreshing break from the hustle-bustle you are just a frogs leap away from beautiful scenery. If you like a balance of being near lovely parks and scenery while also near to stores and activities (all this with a safe and friendly neighborhood feel), there are a plethora of suburbs all around the Twin Cities that provide not only parks and greenery but easy accessibility to shopping and other forms of recreation.

Oh! And Minnesota has an amazing History that we aren't afraid to display through places such as the Mill Ruins Park. Looking for an incredible day for scenery and pictures? The Stone Arch Bridge is a MUST VISIT. It's the PERFECT blend of nature, beautiful architecture, and the city-scape all in one place.

4. The Lakes

Having always lived in the Land of 10,000 Lakes, I've taken driving next to multiple lakes wherever I go for granted. A swim? Easy-peasy. If you like the clear water and chlorine we've got plenty of activity centers with pools, but if you're going for the "au natural" vibe or simply want to take a loop around the lake, we have so many options! Lot of parks and walking trails are situated next to looks, and if you go for even just a mile or two you might get to hike by multiple lakes (all while in a suburb just miles from downtown).

Just want to dip your feet in the water? You can typically either just walk a few blocks or drive a few miles to fill that desire. Boating? Fishing? Looking for a cabin? We've got all of the above. HELLO, SUMMER!

5. The Celebrations / Festivities

Just because we often spend somewhere between 1/2 and 3/4 of the year buried in snow does NOT mean we hide out throughout the year. Minnesotans know how to make the most of any weather. We celebrate each season with a variety of celebrations. On just about any weekend you can look up nearby cities are find one.

Our most popular and iconic attractions include the Minnesota State Fair where we celebrate our Minnesota pride with music, animal exhibits, over 300 food vendors, and more! We also celebrate our culture with the Irish Fest, Polish Fest, Scottish Fest, and more. Come winter we don't stay hidden indoors but go on the town for ice skating, ice sculptures, parades, and yes (more food) at events such as the Saint Paul Winter Carnival, Red Bull Crashed Ice, Holidazzle, and more.

We are a hearty and celebratory crowd year round and know how to make the best out of any season!

6. The Stores

To add to it's geographical genius, the Twin Cities has stores galore. You can often find two to four Walmarts within a ten mile radius. Target is everywhere. And then we've got our beautiful midwestern go-to grocery stories like Cub. Looking for discounts? Aldi is just a few miles away if not across the street. Not only are the prices decent but the produce in our state is robust due to being in such close proximity to the food transportation systems including Highway I-94?

We also have a plethora of shopping malls where you can indulge your retail desires or simply grab a cup of coffee and go for a stores-galore walk.

7. The Schools 

Minnesota has been listed among the top states for public education. We have a plethora of schools with solid academics and stellar graduation rates. Our number of school districts is exceptional and we also have a variety of types of schools including public, private, charter, or immersion.

We also have an incredible number of special education options including a variety of schools created specifically for special education (including Lionsgate, Spero, Carner Blue...) and lots of organizations dedicated to helping people dealing with specific disabilities not only in academic but in social and recreational aspects of their lives.

This is BY NO MEANS an ALL-INCLUSIVE list of the wonderful things Minnesota has to offer. It is merely a list of the first things that come to mind when I think about why I love Minnesota: The North Star State.

Why I Have A Phone AND And iPod (P.S. I've Never Downloaded A Song In My Life)

To the majority of the world, when I pull out my Apple iPod and my Samsung Phone I look like some CRAZY TECH LADY. The funny thing is that the reverse is true. The reason I have two different devices is to limit my media intake.

2008 - 2019: My Devices

Born in 1995, I am right in that crack between the generation that used no phones, the generation that used flip phones, and the generation that used smartphones. 

My memories of electronics as a kid were: a boxed TV with videocassettes that eventually become DVDs, a box computer that I learned to type on and wrote lists and stories on, and on one or two occasions my aunt visiting and bringing her laptop (I was in awe).

I remember eventually seeing advertisements of business men walking around with flip phones. The phones looked so sleek. I was disappointed that when my dad got a wireless phone for work it wasn't a flip phone but was rather boxy.

2008

Fall of 2008 got my first fancy camera where you could actually see how the picture turned out right after you took it. It was an amazing, exciting adventure for me. I remember bringing it to school and taking class pictures with it. Having that device was truly a wonder whirl of fancy tech and fun.

Within months of getting my first fancy camera (which I bought with my own money), my mom gave me my first flip phone so that I could get in touch with her after softball practice. At this point, most of my classmates had slide phones, but I was always at least a little behind the pack when it came to technology (and I pride myself in that).

My first flip phone was very special to me, even if it was hard to text on. To me, texting was ultimate modernity and fanciness. It was like being a part of a whole different world of cool. I didn't text a whole lot on that phone. My second flip phone was a dozen times more special to me, because it was sleek. 

2010

I probably got it a year or two later. I don't remember if my first phone started getting slow or if I just wanted a sleeker model. I still think it's beautiful to the touch.  I think the phone was actually a hand-me-down from my mom when she upgraded to a model with a keyboard. It's smooth and feels good in your hands. Opening and shutting a flip phone also has a satisfying feeling to it for some reason. Unless it had a slide out keyboard (which had an extra-satisfying sensation), I preferred the flip. 

2012

I think I was in late high school when my mom did another hand-me-down. This was actually my favorite phone of all the phone's I've ever had. It had a QWERTY keyboard which made texting easy. The screen was small, so it didn't hurt my eyes, and the features were simple, so I didn't have to worry about the temptation to waste time on apps (I didn't have any apps).

2013

2013 was a year that changed so much in my relationship with technology. In August of 2013, for the first time I went into a Apple store and actually bought a product.

If my reasoning was the same then as it is now, I bought the iPod Touch partially because it cost less than the iPhone while carrying the majority of the same features and partially because I still wanted my phone to be simply for phone calls and not serve as a temptation to waste time on apps or social media.

If I wanted people to be able to get a hold of me while I basically detached from technology, I could simply leave my iPod at home and bring my QWERTY around with me.

(^^ answer to the blog title)

I used on iPod a lot once I bought it. My freshman year, snapchat was the primary mode of communication my friends and I used to meet up. This was before snapchat got all weird and added the "snap story" feature of such. (As you can probably tell, I'm not a fan of those changes. I felt like it totally depersonalized the app. People don't have to intentionally choose to send you a snap anymore. But let's get back on topic.)

A month after I got my iPod, I started using Twitter and Instagram.

2016

To be quite forward, I was devastated when TracFone refused to stop providing services for my QWERTY phone in 2016. When I returned from my semester abroad, I was informed they had sent me a smart phone in the mail. I adamantly DID NOT want a touch screen.

It felt so unreal having no buttons and the screen simply changing on touch. The screen also seemed to glare in my eyes way more than on my previous phone. (Yes, I have learned since then that you can turn the brightness down.) I wanted my phone to be simply a phone not something overloaded with addicting apps. All throughout the rest of college, I was jealous when I saw a friend with a QWERTY phone. 

I never uploaded any social media apps to this phone and barely ever (less than once a month) used it to go on the internet.

2017

In 2017, after many years of valiant service (5 to be exact) and still with a decent battery as I recall, my iPod hit it's last straw. I am thankful that it worked throughout our family trip and long enough to me to upload all my photos to the computer. A week later, I tried to turn it on, and it was as simple as that... the screen would not turn on.

To this day, I consider my 5th generation iPod touch among my top two most "loyal" pieces of technology when it comes to longevity and efficiency. It was also beautiful (a beautiful turquoise). I still keep it in my drawer as a memento and a thank you to it's incredible five years of faithful and efficient service.

That month, I debated whether I should get another iPod or buy an iPhone to replace both my devices. For the same reason as listed above (to make it easier for me to limit technology usage while still being reachable by phone), I decided to get another iPod.

It turns out this was the iPod touch 6th generation. It didn't seem that different from my 5th generation iPod. The downfall was the battery life of this iPod. I didn't realize how incredibly lucky I had been with my iPod 5 until only ONE year into having my iPod 6 the device began to lose it's charge abruptly out of nowhere. It would go from 20 percent to 80 percent to shutting off within FIVE SECONDS (still haven't figured out what wacky business was going on there) and it did this multiple times per hour even right after being fully charged.

I went in to get the battery fixed, but when I was told they would instead replace my iPod for the price of the battery, I didn't want to let go of my "personalized" iPod. I waited another year. The iPod battery no longer does it's wacky rising and falling; however, the battery life is typically only one to two hours long and it takes a minimum of FIVE hours to fully recharge it. (After two hours of being plugged in, I am lucky if it has made it to 40 percent.)

2019

Around spring of 2019, I couldn't handle the incredible slowness of the smart phone TracFone had sent me. I had waited it out an extra year, because I didn't want to spend money on getting a new phone, but now this phone wasn't holding it's charge well, was charging as slowly as my iPod, and was just in general "slow."

After months of looking at phones online but not buying one, I finally decided that my phone wasn't worthy of being called a phone. I went to Target and bought a new one.

Was it worth it? Yes. My new phone holds a charge decently and, most importantly, charges very quickly. It's generally pretty speedy too. The phone is not an upgrade in regards to appearance or feel (I prefer smaller phones and this one's slightly larger than my previous one), but it actually does it's job and does it well. That's really all that matters. So, yes, it is an upgrade. And, yes, it was worth it.

New Apple Products

Apple came out with a new iPod in 2019. I've been highly considering replacing my iPod (one year later). I went in to Apple, and they were going to charge me almost the full price of the iPod just to replace it with a more efficient 6th generation iPod. That seemed like a cheat. 

I might as well pay a bit more and get the iPod 7 which will probably last a lot longer. That said, reviewed of the iPod 7 say it isn't honestly that different or better quality than the iPod 6. It's just  ore likely to be compatible with the new software updates Apple requires every few years (or months). Have you noticed how Apple does that???

The iPhone 6S is on sale for under two hundred dollars with TracFone, but if you think about it, that is also the 2015 model (the same year as the iPod 6), and reviews say it will only be compatible with software updates for the next year or (maximum) two.

All in all, is it worth getting a new iPod? The functions of my iPod are simple. It has a decent camera, and I can access free things on it that I can't access on non-Apple devices like Podcasts or some Audiobooks.

It would be pointless to have Instagram on my Phone, because the camera quality on my phone is so low. It's just such a plain phone -- which I like for a phone.

So there it is. I don't know what my next technology step will be, but I want to be careful that I am getting more detached from technology as opposed to more attached to it. Apple products (maybe most technology products?) cheat people every few years by outdating software and leaving older devices no longer "software compatible."

That said, I still want to be able to carry my iPod around the house with it's easy transport, small screen, and good audio in order to listen to my favorite audiobooks. And I still need (is that too dramatic of a word?) a camera that actually works.

I'm not sure my next step. Maybe I can get this iPod to live a year or two longer. When it won't even turn on, that's when you know it's really dead and needs replacing. I'm not going to spend $500+ dollars on a new device. Max me out at $300. I guess I'll just have to see where the world of technology goes. Will I make it another few months with an deficient iPod? WHO KNOWS.

SCRUPULOSITY (Spiritual OCD)... FROM THE INSIDE

I have a feeling scrupulosity manifests itself a bit differently for everyone. It want to try to describe it the way I experience it so that if anyone else can relate to any of this you know you are not alone. 

One of my favorite definitions of scrupulosity comes from DefendingTheFaith:

"Scrupulosity is characterized by pathological guilt about moral or religious issues. It is personally distressing, objectively dysfunctional, and often accompanied by significant impairment in social functioning. It is typically conceptualized as a moral or religious form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)...It's a plaguing sense of feeling that one is 'bad', 'guilty', or 'unforgiven.'" - DefendingTheFaith

I experience scrupulosity as a sensation more-so than a thought. I experience it all throughout my body and brain. My scrupulosity (spiritual anxiety) is quite honestly affected not only by the activities I engage in but by the food I put in my body and how much I exercise.

General Feelings Of Guilt 

On a day-to-day basis, I usually experience a sense of being a bad and selfish person. I spend hours on youtube when I know I could be praying. (I spend time on social media to escape anxious thoughts, and yet my time on social media increases my feeling of discontent and "dirtiness.") I don't even set aside time to pray everyday, and I feel dirty knowing this. I am actually sometimes afraid of prayer, because I feel like I will be more susceptible to my anxiety when I open myself up in prayer. 

I also feel that my choice to be a YouTuber and my desire for followers and success in that realm is incompatible with a prayer life. They truly seem incompatible. I feel two-faced if I say yes to both of them, because I come into each of them with completely different mindsets. I don't want to pray one thing and live another way.

If I pray, I will feel guilty for these desires and for acting on them. If I act on them and make youtube videos simply for the thrill of filming and editing and with my (main?) goal being to get subscribers, whilst doing this I must separate from that deep prayer life or I will feel too guilty to go on and will be pulled in half. My guilt will be if I act on my impulses and desires. My guilt will sit before my eyes if I pray. 

An "Episode"

I have described above the general way in which I experience scrupulosity on a daily basis. But this is my "normal." This is my baseline more of less. Unless I go into weeks of detachment from social media and attachment to prayer and spiritual readings, this is typically how I feel.

When I say I want to describe scrupulosity "from the inside," however, I mean I want to describe it from inside an "episode." I don't know if people typically talk about scrupulosity as having "episodes." Anxiety disorders have episodes that we call anxiety attacks, as do panic disorders (panic attacks). 

People with OCD are stereotypically known to go through sorts of "episodes" where they have to repeat an action a certain number of times or say a word or trace and un-trace something to be okay. That said, while I have never heard the term "scrupulosity episode" used before, it seems the most accurate way I can describe my "scrupulosity attacks." These are attacks of feelings inadequacy, of guilt, of dirtiness... and they present themselves in a very specific way through physical sensations.

These episodes don't necessarily happen after I have done something particularly "terrible." I have noticed that I am far more susceptible to them when I eat a lot of junk food, when I am a sloth on the couch for long periods of a time, when I sit in front of screens (worse yet when I sit in front of screens working on perfecting my own social media accounts)...

What I want to do here is simply describe what an episode FEELS like, because the FEELING in one of these episodes is so strong and overwhelming that I can barely get any words to go through my head. The general words or sentences my brain typically has the most access to are "NOT okay," "I want out," or "I'm disgusting." 

I don't usually write poems, but perhaps the sensations are best described in poetry...

I feel like I ought to put a (STOMACH) TRIGGER WARNING here. 

Don't read this while you're eating or in the middle of an anxiety episode. If your stomach is sensitive (or you are not so drawn to the words "stringy" "slimy" and "regurgitate"), you may want to pass on this as well, because the sensations I describe are through brutally honest analogies.

My mouth is dry. My tongue is parched. 

The back of my throat is sensitive

As if my finger were touching it.

Worst of all are my head, stomach, and arms.

My arms feel heavy, SO heavy by my side.

They don't feel wet but there is 

a clammy sensation of disgustingness to them.

It's like there are lead pipes weighing them down

instead of bones.

My fingers and eyes feel dry too.

If I look closely at my hands, 

my fingers might be shaking.

If they're not shaking, 

then the nervous energy is rapped up inside.

Most of that energy is in my arms,

tugging at them and wanting to explode outward

as if I were The Doctor about to regenerate.

My legs feel heavy.

There is lead in them, just like in my arms,

but the lead in both these places TINGLES.

A TERRIBLE tingling sensation

of nervous energy that cannot escape.

A heavy, WEIGHED DOWN tingling:

incongruent with the lead,

worse because of its lightness

like fingers touching the surface of the lead.

I'm trapped in my own body.

My eyes and arms may feel dead, but...

Worse yet. There is my stomach. 

It's hard to picture anything worse than the dead parts,

but my stomach is the most wrenching part of all.

My intestines are worms. 

I can feel the worms wrapped tightly around each other. 

They are trying to wriggle about.

They aren't just in my stomach.

They are in my heart.

My heart is made of wriggly worms, intertwined.

My soul is just like my heart, only more translucent.

Translucent, but showing my true colors...

brown worms wriggling about:

stringy, slimy worms... just like my soul.

I am NOT okay. I am disgusting and dirty.

I will not be okay until I flush all this junk food out of my system and go to confession.

Then I will be fine. But only then.

I'm not going to regurgitate this food up.

It could take hours to be okay.

No use filling myself with good stuff

until the gross "foods" are gone.

The energy in the dead arms has nowhere to go.

My brain is unsettled.

It runs in circles.

Of course it runs in circles,

because "I want to be good but I make bad choices."

I bring this on myself.

I'm trapped. My breaths are shallow and shaky.

I try for deep breaths, but the tingling is still there.

It won't go away.

(My tear sockets are in my brain and throat, not my eyes.)

I need to be flushed out:

physically and spiritually.

I need to be flushed clean.

But don't pity me.

This is all my fault.

I chose this.

I brought this on myself,

because I am dirty.

Fill Your Life With Things That Lift You Up

I has been a whirlwind of a past few weeks when it comes to my social media life.

The story:

For some reason, I suddenly felt like going full force on some of my accounts. I wanted to grow an audience for my YouTube channel, so I started inviting ALL of my Facebook friends to like my Facebook page (thinking I would dedicate it to my YouTube channel)... even though this was 100% contra to what I had decided upon a year ago (aka, wanting to keep my youtube channel and real life separate). Was I really that desperate for the likes? 

Then I freaked out that I was giving people too much access to my online persona/websites/life. I also become worried about what I was portraying on my sites, and most of all concerned with what my motives were for having and publicizing a youtube channel. Let's say I had a mild freak out. 

Thankfully, I was able to think things through to some extent. An initial thought was: Should I delete my pages on Facebook and Instagram? This would be rather impulsive, and I didn't want to repeat the mistake I had made before when I impulsively created these inter-connected pages and invited people to like them. I needed to step back and breath.

Ultimately, I made a decision that I would keep the Facebook page (which I actually created four years ago to dedicate to a website I was starting), but I would not connect that page to my other accounts. Facebook pages can feel less secure than other social media, because you can't really control your audience. There are no options to block certain people or privatize a page. I decided to hold onto Instagram but to keep that page rather "on hold" instead of bombarding it with pictures or content.

What I realized was I had never truly brought this stuff to prayer. I wanted God to be asking me to build myself on social media platforms, because I wanted to be seen. At the root of everything - hiding behind all these excuses of wanting to help people (which weren't false, btw) - was simply the desire to be seen: the desire to feel like somebody.

This whole story is simply an entrance into another thing I realized. I spend a lot of time on social media and a lot of time thinking about social media. In many ways, I don't know how to separate myself from it, because I feel like without social media life is so... empty.

I get tired of being alone but don't want to seem needy. I have this idea imbedded in my head that you're only truly living if people online see what you're doing and give you support and feedback. I know it's not true, but when something becomes internalized it isn't easy to just step out of that mindset.

I feel a lot more attached or in sync with a number of people I watch online. I see the good sides of people on social media or I at least see that they share in my desire to be seen. I feel more supported by them.

I feel like people in my everyday life don't really have time for me, so I go to social media where there is always someone there to entertain me or speak the words of wisdom or encouragement that I want to hear. (FYI, this isn't a rant about my friends not being good friends. It's just a realization that I have something inside of me not being met--whether it's meant to be met, I don't know...)

~*~

All things considered, I don't think I'm going to give up social media altogether. I don't mean that I won't do an occasional social media fast. I LOVE doing those every now and then. 

I simply mean that there is something within me that draws me to social media. I have sometimes wondered if this thing is of God or is pure selfishness. I think it probably has to be a combination of both. 

I don't yet understand what God is calling me to do through social media or how much He is calling me to do on there. I think part of this is because I really don't stop to listen to God all that often. I'm still running from my anxiety or running towards a friendly face and words of affirmation via online.

I don't think this is entirely bad. The not stopping to listen to God part is definitely unhealthy and leads me nowhere. Dedicating more time to prayer and contemplative reading and meeting God in nature or music without social media is definitely something I would like to bring into my life more. It's not easy for a social-media fanatic like me, but it is good. 

That said, I just stated that I don't think where I am now is entirely bad. 

I think God can speak to me and love me through social media platforms so long as I make sure this is not the only way I am letting Him access me. Social media is not a substitute for prayer or reading a book on discernment or something else wholesome, but it can compliment it IF I use it in the right way (and with limitations).

~*~

This leads to the point of this article! If I AM going to enter into the social media world or make it a regular part of my life, let me make sure that I am using it intentionally and positively.

I haven't 100% figured out how I am going to do this, but I have some ideas. For one, I want to look for and find people on social media that both lift me up and bring me towards God. I can already identify a few YouTube channels and Facebook groups that do this. Hopefully I can also identify more Podcasts and Blogs that do this. Perhaps I can connect with those podcasters and bloggers better through Instagram so that I see the positivity and the good on a day-to-day basis.

THIS IS WHERE YOU (MY READERS) COME IN:

If you would like to help me out, please suggest some wholesome YouTubers, Podcasts, Blogs, etc. that you think would help bring a 24-year-old peace and clarity and closer to Christ. They don't have to be entirely about Catholic things, but I want to be following and looking up to wholesome people. :)

Please pray for me on my journey! Pray that I truly take the time to step aside and listen to God's voice. Pray that I use social media in healthy ways that inspire and uplift me and direct me towards God's plan for my life instead of away from it.

Many Blessings To You.

Nonviolent Crisis Intervention and God's Relational Image

A day ago I attended a work training session to become certified in Nonviolent Crisis Intervention (NCI). This is a training often given to people working in prisons, group homes, and in a variety of other settings with vulnerable populations with a high probability of exercising violence. 

For me, I am glad to say that the possible "perpetrators" of violence (for lack of a better word) often only come just above or below my hipline: I'm talking two to seven year olds. Plenty of harm can still be done in this age group both to self and to others--kids are creative!--but the intimidation factor of having someone who towers above me acting violently towards me is thankfully not something I have to deal with on a daily basis. (I'm learning my personal boundaries, and one of those boundaries is that I am fine working with vulnerable and often dysregulated children but do not do well in an atmosphere with regularly violent adults.)

There is a particular thought that has popped into my mind time and time again over the past few months at work. This thought usually pops into my head when a child is screaming at the top of his or her lungs over some seemingly minute incident or expectation or when a child is acting in a harmful way towards himself or me or occasionally another child, often all the while laughing. 

The thought is basically this: "God, this is only a taste of what you have to put up with from us, your children, on a daily basis. How the heck do you put up with us? How the heck are you so patient and loving?" (I think it is important to note that I think this thought with humor not anger: humor coming from the fact that we think we put up with so much while we really have no idea what God - the real MVP! - puts up with.)**

As I reflect on this thought, I often think about how AMAZING it is that God is allowing me to see this world, His work, and His relationship with us in a such a beautiful and explicit light.

SERIOUSLY! No wonder God considering parenthood and the care taking of children and vulnerable populations to be our most important work here on earth. No wonder He holds it in such high regard. As parents and caretakers, we get to experience and participate firsthand in a relationship that mirrors God's very relationship with us. We get to actually see -- whether or not we recognize -- how obnoxious and irrational immature behavior looks, and we get to experience firsthand still providing unconditional love to the one who is causing us so much sorrow, frustration, or pain. Talk about an opportunity to take on God's image! 

What a privilege and what an opportunity to come to know (and appreciate) God's love -- which I should note is far more pure than our love for those we look after or even our own children!

~*~

Throughout NCI training, the way in which we are expected to replicate God became all the more evident to me. 

Naturally, at these training sessions for a secular/public institution, they do not say anything about taking on the image of God. However, there was one point during the session when our trainer said something that could have made my draw drop due to how perfectly and exactly it replicates what God does with and for us every single second of every single day. ***

Our trainer told us that after an incident (whether it involves hitting or biting or screaming profusely), when a child has at last managed to calm his or her body, the child usually feels a mixture of embarrassment and fear. Often, even if not expressed as one would expect externally, their first thought is, "Oh no. I did it again. Will this caretaker give up on me and leave me like others have done?"

One of the most important messages to give these kids after an incident of dysregulation -- whether this be in words or simply actions -- is to tell/show the child, "I forgive you. I am still here for you. I am not going to leave you. I still like you and care about you. We will work through this together."

The basic gist is: SHOW THEM THAT THEY ARE LOVED AND THAT IT IS OK.

What struck me when I reflected on this statement post-training is how in this moment as a caretaker you know the child can and even probably will perform the dangerous or hurtful action again. The child may not have the words to apologize or know how to show his or her remorse. On top of all this, there is a strong probability that tomorrow, or even in an hour or five minutes, the child will once again scream, hit you, or try to run away from you...

Yet your absolute NUMBER ONE FOCUS at the time is to assure the child that you still love them and care about them and that you are not going to leave them. Your response to their violent or hurtful action is love and comfort and a desire to help the child develop the skills and tools to express himself or herself in a healthier way.

Did you miss that? If so, read it again. 

Your response to their violent or hurtful action is love and comfort and a desire to help the child develop the skills and tools to express himself or herself in a healthier way.

Does that not sound EXACTLY like God the Father? Is that not a perfect example of taking on God's image? Of following God's model? This happens every day, and we don't even realize it. When we sin, we inflict a wound on Christ and pierce the heart of God the Father... but God's response isn't vengeful. 

His response may not be pleasant as He puts His foot down and lovingly removes us from that which has great potential to cause us harm. His response to our whining, our screaming, our intentionally or unintentionally violent hitting may not be a "Yes. Go ahead." But His focus is never to hurt us. His focus isn't on what we have done to Him. His focus is on healing the relationship, on bandaging wounds. His focus is on helping, on loving, on providing comfort. 

God is PURE love, and this is what pure love looks like.

~*~

The moral of this whole story is the obvious takeaway message, but to me there is more. To me this training (and my day-to-day experiences in day treatment) provided me with not only an AMAZING example of how we act towards God and what God does for us every day. 

Equally as importantly, it showed me how passionately the Father loves me. He wants so badly for me to KNOW Him that He has placed in me in a situation where He can reveal these secrets to me. It shows me that God is ultimately CREATIVE. He will meet us where we are at and show us what He wants us to see.

What a PRIVILEGE it is to act in a role that so perfectly mimics this relationship. That a PRIVILEGE it is to have this daily reminder of how our relationship with God works. What a PRIVILEGE it is that God wants to let me know Him so much that He has offered me a role where I can partake in His work and see (not perfectly but better) what He sees.

My hope for you is that, in reading this blog, you are better able to see God's wonderful work, His fingerprints, and the opportunities for insight that He puts into your life whether you work with children, other vulnerable populations, or in a completely different field. Somehow, in your workplace, God is revealing Himself to you. Don't be afraid to let Him dig deeply into your heart and open your eyes so that you can say, "I see it too, God. I see it."

POST-SCRIPT / FOOT NOTES

**Often I cope with difficult situations at work by either distancing myself from them (the focus here is on maintaining steady breathing and not responding to the situation in a way that may escalate it) or by exercising internal humor (not the key word "internal" --> outwardly laughing when someone is in pain or is seeking that attention is the LAST thing you should do). 

***I think the most important message I took with me from training was a reminder (actually, something I hadn't thought about before) that the child who just slapped your face or spat in your eye or tried to take a chunk out of your wrist almost 100% of the time feels afraid and embarrassed after the fact. It's so easy to forget, when working with children with autism, that they have the same emotions and regrets that we have even if they don't know how to express their regrets or express what lead them to act aggressively. 

It's Not Just An Out-Of-Date Idea, It's A Lost Way-Of-Life

I've been car shopping lately and have received some less-than-respectful jabs when salespeople hear that one of the qualifications for my new car is that it have a CD player. 

https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2012/12/04/best-selling-cars-2012/1745385/

"Why do you want a CD player?" "It has Bluetooth! You don't need that" The most upsetting one is the mocking: "You want a CD player?"

Yes, I do. And what if I do want to maintain a piece of my childhood? Since when did all respect for and appreciation for the past go away? When salespeople respond in this rude manner I feel like they are mocking my very cultural background.

I'm an old-soul born in 1995. I grew up on movies from the 1950s and 1960s: Yours, Mine, and Ours starring Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda and a plethora of Gene Kelly musicals. When I was born we were using video cassettes and tapes. I remember seeing adds about flip phones, and when I got my first flip phone in eighth grade I was stoked. 

By the time I turned ten, CDs and DVDs were replacing cassette tapes. It took me some time to warm up to these new ideas but eventually I did. I gradually came to like the new features. And not having to rewind was a nice bonus! Not long after that, phones with slide-out keyboards started to come out, and I thought those were the coolest phones ever. 

However, when I see moving from CDs to MP3 Players, from DVDs to Netflix, and from qwerty phones to smart phones, I see something different happening. I see our way-of-life and our way of CONSUMPTION completely changing.

Part of my love for the old is a nostalgia, and there's nothing wrong with that! Nostalgia ought to be an acceptable excuse when it comes to choices in media intake. That said, there's something more going on here.

https://www.123rf.com/photo_79080974_dvd-cd-rom-on-a-computer-opened-to-show-disc-top-view.html

https://www.theverge.com/2017/7/11/15953012/spotify-marketing-data-listening-habits

Think of what is happening to our culture as Netflix and YouTube (yes, I'm guilty of addiction to the latter one) replace DVDs. We no longer intentionally go to the library or search through a plethora of DVDs to find the one that we've been wanting to see. 

The intentionality has gone out of it. People scroll through Netflix completely absentmindedly. They get so lost in this never-ending world of media consumption that they stop appreciating or intentionally choosing what is in front of them. In thinking they gain control of their choices, people actually lose control as large media outlets swarm their screens and news feeds with an endless plethora of entertainment and information they want to feed into their brains. Presence in time and place is lost as our brains become addicted to taking in more and more information and entertainment. The content of that information becomes less important to us than the amount of information we take in.

(FYI, Netflix addiction has become an official diagnosis. I could insert links about it into this blog post and with a click of a mouse... or cursor... you could instantly be transported into an entirely different world on the internet, but I would rather you remain focused on one argument and piece of information at a time. In this world of right and left click transportation, we can't keep our minds in one place at one time. We are actually losing the ability to do so as with the click of a cursor we can be transported into a new world of thoughts and ideas while forgetting where we started in the first place.)

Speaking of juggling multiple thoughts, let's get back to what we were talking about --> forms of media intake and their effects on people.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jq7LO_GTzVg

https://www.123rf.com/photo_79080974_dvd-cd-rom-on-a-computer-opened-to-show-disc-top-view.html

There's a term used for a treatment of anxiety called grounding. It involves conscious presence in time and space (a lost art). When a person practices grounding, they intentionally concentrate on the present moment using their five senses. They become aware of the textures around them or the movement of the air (touch). They examine what odors they are taking in (smell) and the distinct flavors activating their taste buds (taste). They look closely at the colors and shades of things around them (sight). They listen for the sound of a soft breeze, gentle music, or white noise in the background (hearing). They become AWARE of where they are and how they interact with the things around them.

This is something I think we lose as we enter into the digital age of smart phones, MP3 players, and Netflix binging. We become like the machines we are using: automated. Why are we so blind to this?

I know from personal experience that this is the case. When I go on YouTube, I never stop clicking. Sometimes I'm only partway through one video when I notice another video in the sidebar that intrigues me. With a simple click, I abandon my train of thought and look for something more stimulating. Even if the next video is interesting, something on my new sidebar might look more interesting, and all it takes is a click to transport myself mid-thought or mid-sentence into a whole different world.

We begin to live in a world of incomplete thoughts and incoherent thinking.

If you still don't think modern, media consumption methods are having this effect on our brains, just look at people with smart phones (yourself almost certainly included). Do you really think the person sitting in that corner of the airport on their iPhone sat down with a certain set of information that will take two hours to scroll through in mind? Possibly but very unlikely.

Picture yourself on Facebook, absentmindedly resetting your News Feed. In most cases, you're not intentionally looking for a specific piece of information to inform a train of thought. You just want information: any information will do. And if one piece of information does catch your eye, it will only be on your mind for a moment before you continue scrolling mindlessly (trying to fill some mysterious, empty void within you).

You may be wondering how on earth any of this information has to do with CD and DVD players. (I promise I didn't simply lose my train of thought.)

The case is simple. Put your iPod on shuffle, and there will be no predictable twists and turns in your journey of music for the next half hour. The brain becomes less accustomed to a pattern of thought (or, in this case, a pattern of tunes) and instead becomes accustomed to randomly firing in unpredictable ways.

...or perhaps you're NOT on shuffle, but you sat down in your car thinking that you wanted to listen to Selena Gomez's newest CD only to notice that you also have playlists for Taylor Swift and Demi Lovato that actually sound rather interesting. It's "the side bar effect" again. Forget what you had in mind; you're driven by impulse. In an instant, you forget the playlist you intended to listen to and switch to a different track.

In the moment, this might not seem like a disaster, and in the big realm of things it's not. But I think it's worth taking note that it is becoming more and more common to not stick to our original intentions but to instead act on impulse. This makes us very unpredictable people. I don't just mean it's hard for other people to predict your next move. I mean it becomes hard for you to predict or even to control your next move.

Isn't this growing anomaly a bit disturbing?

When it all comes down to it, my argument is that in a world of smart phones, MP3 players, and Netflix we start to lose our presence in-the-moment, and we start to act on impulse. We stop exercising our God-given ability to reason through things as we simply take in the next tempting thing that comes our way.

We begin to live in an absentminded state and, although this state-of-mind may start out as a choice, it gradually becomes our default state. We hibernate from intentionality and from step-by-step, forward/coherent thinking.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=327upEeFC2c

When I say I want a CD player in my car, I am saying a whole lot more. I am saying that I want to maintain some predictability and coherence in my life. I am saying that I want to live with intentionality and presence. I want to live in-the-moment. I'm saying that I want to appreciate one piece of art at a time (in it's fullness). I want all of this... with a bit of nostalgia to go with it.

Please respect that.

As we lose our ability to reason, don't you think we lose a very piece of the humanity that God gave us? Let's become what God made us to be rather than growing into the idols that we make.