4 Things I've Learned Growing Up In A Home With Domestic Abuse

 My hope is that the ladies who read this will be saved needing to learn these life lessons the hard way.

(P.S. Be aware that the male is not always the perpetrator in domestic abuse, but that does seem to be a common theme.)

1. It is ALWAYS a better idea to remain single than to SETTLE.

Now I'm not talking "He has red hair, and I always wanted to marry a blonde" type of settling. I'm talking character flaws. I'm talking about the guy who makes you feel uncomfortable whether or not you can pin down exactly why. I'm talking the guy who makes off-hand remarks that irk you. I'm talking about the guy who belittles you or tries to overpower you or discounts your feelings. I'm talking about the guy who boasts of being a good guy or who you can just tell thinks highly of himself. (FYI, there is a difference between a guy recognizing his self-worth or walking around with an ego. The first is very important to have. The latter is a big "no go.") 

I'm talking about the guy who always wants things his way or NEVER asks for your opinions. I'm talking about the guy who lashes out or talks down to you in a sarcastic tone...I mean EVER. I'm talking about the guy who guilts or belittles you or tries to talk smack about your family or friends. I'm talking about the guy who blames the world for all his problems. (I'm also talking about the guy who doesn't take initiative and show intentionality in getting to know you.)

Don't go for the guys who are constantly trying to shame anyone they disagree with on social media (or in person) or the guys who "joke" about their favorite scripture passage being the one about "wives submit to their husbands." (I rule I've put in place: Any jokes that are condescending towards a group or individual are to be taken seriously.)

Believe it or not, these are not unrealistic standards. 

(And I'm not saying that in a sarcastic tone--just to clarify)

TRUST ME, ladies! You are worth SO MUCH MORE! And it is soooo much more worthwhile and fulfilling to live a single life with self-respect and knowledge of one's worth than to enter into a relationship (worse yet, marriage) with this sort of person. I don't want you to learn this lesson the hard way.

2. Just because he's a nice guy on paper (or even in a social setting) does NOT necessarily mean he's a nice guy.

[Catholic girls, this applies to us and the people we date at least as much as everyone else!]

Now, there are really ARE men out there who communities and lots of people look up to that ARE solidly good men! I don't want you to think these men don't exist, because they do! BUT I also want you to know that there are plenty of guys who look all good on paper or even in a group social setting who are NOT that way behind closed doors. There are men who entire communities look up to as "so Christ-like" who at the same time go home and talk down to their wives and/or children. If we've learned anything from the sex abuse scandals that have come to light in the Church over the past couple of decades, we've learned that there are PLENTY of wolves that walk around in sheep's clothing. 

Make sure you really get to know a guy. Give it time. Don't rush things. Watch the way he treats and talks about others both in private and public settings (that includes how he treats and talks about you)! If something feels incongruent between what he says and does, there probably is something incongruent.

3. If a guy EVER de-validates your feelings, it's time for a "goodbye."

It's understandable that in any relationship one person can't straight-up read another person's mind. This is okay! But if when you bring up a need of yours or something that is important to you, you notice a pattern of his either guilting you, trying to convince you you're wrong, or simply brushing you aside and talking over you ("well I have always found...")... Honey, that's NOT okay, and that isn't something that's going away. If he asks questions, let them be out of compassion and a desire to understand you, not to change, guilt, or convince you you're wrong.

4. If a guy ever jokes about hurting you or hurting someone you love (whether physically or in another way), he does not respect you. This is an INSTANT red flag.

I feel like this stuff is more common that we realize. Especially with the commonality of this stuff in the media: degrading remarks being made at one person's expense for another person's amusement, etc. If a guy ever finds humor in the idea of disrespecting or hurting you (whether physically, emotionally, mentally, etc.), he is giving you an insight into his mind. 

Additionally, if a guy does or says anything to try to distance or turn you from your friends -- even if he says it in a joking fashion -- the same rules apply. Don't put up with this.

{P.S. Also take into consideration if you you notice his friends doing this a lot: making degrading remarks or enjoying degrading humor made at another person's expense. Why does he hang out with those sorts of people? What does this say about him? Likely answers are that he's internally on the same page as them or that he's got no backbone. Ask him about it or just say "no.")

~*~

So he has to be PERFECT???!!!

No, darling. He has to be a man of good character. 

The wait may be hard. You may or may not be called to a vocation with a man, but if you are I guarantee that if you maintain a close relationship with God and consult Him in all things, He will guide you there.

I ALSO guarantee you that there is a guy with all of the good qualities listed below with none of the red flags listed above waiting for you EVERY MORNING as you wake up to say, "Good morning, beautiful."

Gentle Jesus <3 <-- click on this link if you would like to hear a love song straight from the words of Our Lord.

~*~

How about we end on a positive note with some qualities TO look for in a guy :) ...

🕊️

Honesty/Congruency:

Does he tell the truth? Do his actions line up with his words? Is he trying to hide things that you have a right to know? Does the way he treats you in social situations match up with the way he treats you in private (and vice-versa)? Does the way he acts around you and around others align? 

Responsibility/Accountability: 

Takes responsibility for his own baggage and imperfections. Will admit to his mistakes and apologize without always needing to be called out all the time. Willingness to admit when he’s in the wrong and to actively try to do better (versus just saying he will)—whether that looks like getting help, etc.

 Humility: 

The above describes an aspect of this. Let’s add on—doesn’t walk around with an in-your-face ego or tooting his own horn. Will sacrifice things for you without calling attention to it or making you feel guilt or like you owe him for it. Is willing to accept constructive feedback and has mentors in his life. Doesn’t put himself above others.

Initiative: 

There is a difference between being controlling and having initiative. Taking initiative looks like putting proactive effort into getting to know you: initiating making plans, being up front about his intentions, etc.

 

Lots of Love, Sheila Ann