How To Be A Christian Witness In A Secular Work/School Environment [BRAINSTORM]

"The faithful should bear witness to the Lord's name by confessing the faith without giving in to fear." - CCC 2145

In a previous post I shared that I loved working in a secular work environment because it allowed me to see people who are different from me in background, beliefs, and values as human and lovable. I don't take back those words, but I will say that I have come to the realization that for the past year I have been idolizing my job quite a bit (making it my identity) and struggles of this school year have helped awakened to me the truth that I can only find true, complete joy and fulfillment in Christ

The environment I work in this year feels drastically different from last year. Last year we were working virtually, so we connected with our students in different ways. Classroom management and the overall work environment were drastically different. Crazy as COVID-19 is, last year was more of a "chill" year in comparison to this year. (Summer school felt similar. I was fun to see the kids connect. Needs and behaviors seemed similar to what we experienced in the spring during in-person hybrid.)

Hop into this year and... WOW! New students. Old students. I don't know if the students changed or if it's more of what we saw of them that changed. This year is the year where when the kids come into school I hear the f-word and highly inappropriate jokes about sex or violence run rampant. I often freeze or step back when I hear students spewing these remarks left and right wondering when and how to step in (it takes a lot of bravery) and when to accept that I work in an environment where many people consider these jokes and remarks only slightly flippant.

How does one respond when over the course of one class period, the seventh and eighth graders have been calling out sexual jokes to the whole class left and right and taking the Lord's name in vain sometimes with a few f-bombs to "jazz it up"? How does one respond when joking about people's genitals is a popular topic of conversation for the kids?

How does one respond when the staff don't think that many of these behaviors--foul language and certain jokes--are objectively wrong but simply that they should not be used in this "time and place." Staff I work with talk about wanting to teach the kids to swear responsibly: in other words, not loudly in a classroom or professional environment. The overlying consensus seems to be that many of the things the kids are doing and saying are okay for adults but should be saved for adulthood. I've heard "Well, they are teenagers, so this can't be too surprising" which leaves me thinking what a sad world we must live in for this sort of behavior to be considered normal and okay.

~*~

I'm not saying these sorts of behaviors never happen in private schools. I remember in private school the kids loved to make mean and insensitive jokes, and I saw more rude humor from the kids when I attended private school than when I attended public school.

I don't know if the world is changing or if I was only exposed to a very filtered branch of the student population, but to me these behaviors are not normal (even in teens) and especially not acceptable in the classroom.

~*~

The fact is, the constant swearing and sexual or dark humor that I am surrounded by throughout my work days have led me to wonder if this is where I want to or am meant to be. It's a sort of: Goodbye, fairy tale. Hello, broken world.

I've asked God if this is where He actually wants me to be. Would backing out be conviction or would it be cowardice at the idea that I might be called to act in defense of Him and His word--to be unpopular and ill thought of or spoken of at times? Whatever it is, I want to be where and do what God is asking me to do. I know that might not always be easy, that it may take great courage (courage that I am lacking in) at times.

Currently on my journey my thoughts and convictions are that I am to stay where I am at right now. I'm very seriously thinking about moving roles next year, and the role I'm considering moving into may come with many more challenges and moments of "how do I stay true to my faith here?" It would also come with many great opportunities to love God.

My question and prayers currently are: How am I called to love out my faith at work? How do I witness? How do I defend? Am I called to defend? What does that look like? Witnessing through gentleness and cleanliness comes easily to me. I've never used foul language in public and have no real inclination to. Being gentle and caring for the most part is my nature --> although I will say there are student who have been trying my patience hardcore recently. I pray that God will help me work with patience and kindness in abundance.

A more challenging area for me is speaking up in situations where God or the very concept of the human person are being disdained or disrespected. As an avid people-pleaser, correcting and calling people out does not come easily to me. I give into fear and make excuses for not speaking up or stepping in regularly. 

Sometimes the reasons are legitimate (for example, there are kids who I am quite confident if I corrected their use of the Lord's name would only disrespect it more). Other times I think about whether I would be representing and living the faith in a way that emphasizes gentleness and mercy over pride and judgment <-- this is one of those hard lines to figure out though, because while the concern has merit to it, it can also be used as an excuse for not risking reproach and taking a stand for TRUTH and respect towards God's word in situations where a stand ought to be taken.

 ~*~

ULTIMATELY, I've been looking for concrete ways to hide my faith less (something I have realized I am prone to doing with quick sign of the crosses at lunch and making sure to hide my miraculous medal under my clothes).

Concrete changes I have made so far are:

1. Be more open and intentional about prayer: not trying to hide it so much. Allow the sign of the cross to be seen. Allow myself to say "excuse me a moment" when someone is talking to me and to give true time and attention to my prayer in the lunchroom. (Still need to work on that second part.)

2. When people ask me about my day or weekend or plans, be open and perhaps even make a point of sharing that I hung out with friends from Church or am leading a women's group there or that I went to Mass. (Room for growth here too.)

3. Make sure I am wearing my miraculous medal and other Christian medal outside of my shirt or sweatshirt so that others can see it and know that I am a witness for Jesus and own this part of my identity (versus living in fear or shame).

4. I've also started giving myself permission to wear more faith-based things. This past week I wore my sweatshirt from Catholic Youth Camp to work two days, and I felt sooooooo free!!! I did not expect the experience of feeling like I was freed from chains and could joyfully be and express my true self fully. (It was like the great divide between who I am at work and who I am with friends or at Church began to wash away.)

5. I've also been filling up on God's word and spending intentional time in prayer and discernment when I get home from work. Some of my favorite forms of evening relaxation are pulling out the Bible or a book by Jason Evert, doing my Catechism homework, or opening up a phone app with the daily readings. You cannot give what you do not have, so fill up on the Holy Spirit. Be attentive to His voice, LET HIM LOVE ON YOU, and love Him back. Give Him your time and attention.

Honestly, these first steps I have taken have already led me to feel a bucketload of joy and freedom that I did not expect along with a new peace and centeredness.

 ~*~

In addition to these baby steps, I have been reading scripture for guidance (which can feel very confusing, because even the most admired or upheld Biblical characters are not black and white) and trying to find other resources for Christians or Catholics working in a secular work or school environment <-- which to my disappointment is not easy! (I was rather surprised and disappointed to learn that there is no Facebook group for Catholics or Christians working in public schools.)

My research did lead to a few more insights and ideas that I would like to make sure I am including in my witness/work ethic.

Articles I ran across from Pure Flix and Urban Faith noted the importance of working with integrity and giving it your all: 

Pure Flix especially emphasized the idea of not going halfway. Go above and beyond: Don't slack. God calls us to be there to support each other, so go out of your way to be helpful to your coworkers. Urban Faith had many good points and put a special emphasis on being responsible even when your boss isn't looking: show up to work on time. Work your full shift. Fulfill the things that are asked of you. In these ways, Be a witness to integrity and to generosity.

Until next time...

 

Resources / For Further Reading:

GOOGLE: How To Be A Christian Witness In A Secular Work Environment

Why the remark "So you're gonna be a nun" is so inappropriate/condescending

I've had multiple experiences where I'm talking to people in a Catholic setting, and I suggest that perhaps some people won't get married or don't feel called to marriage. A response I've heard far too often and continuously is, "So you're gonna be a nun" or "Well, if  you wanna be a nun." I want to explain why this is such an inappropriate and condescending remark both to people who do feel called to religious life and people who do not feel that calling.

First off, this remark implies that religious life is not a beautiful, unique calling but rather a "fallback" vocation. It implies that it is a vocation for the "leftovers." This is such a rude disregard and disrespect towards the beautiful and unique calling Christ gives to some individuals to religious life. This comment also put various vocations on a pedestal in a "great-than-thou" complex by implying that those called to marriage are called to a greater vocation than those called to religious life (the "fallback" vocation).

Secondly, this remark implies that there are only two ways to find fulfillment in life, and that the goal of life is either marriage or religious life. No wonder the world is so focusing on everyone having an equal right/opportunity to enter into an institution called "marriage" when we worship the institution not as one possible way to journey to a destination (God/heaven) but rather as the destination itself. If the two destinations are either marriage or religious life, what place is there for those who feel called to neither? How do these people (note this includes some people with same-sex attraction, some with opposite-sex attraction, some with both, some either neither...) a sense of great belonging and calling and respect for their calling?

One's vocation is the place/position and context in which God calls a person to love. This means that a person might have multiple vocations throughout their lifetime. This also means that no one needs to be "waiting for their vocation" but can can recognize that the ways in which they are being called to love here and now is their current vocation. Someone may be living their vocation as a teacher, another as a supportive friend or aunt, another through a life or service at home or abroad... There is NO LIMIT to the beautiful ways God calls us to live and love, and I wish we would recognize that more and not put a limit on His goodness or on the word "calling."

~*~

Let's stop putting the vocations on tiers and assuming there are only two types of vocations.

If we truly want to celebrate God's Church is its FULLNESS and the equal beauty in each individual's calling, let's open our hearts and make room. Let's be mindful of our words and avoid perpetuating remarks that build a culture based on these these blind assumptions which put a limit on the expanse of God's goodness.

"Do You Like Working In A Secular Environment?"

My (Catholic) therapist asked me recently (non-judgmentally), "Do you like working a secular environment?"

My response was instant. "Yes! I LOVE it!"

Working in a secular environment has stretched me in so many ways. I don't even necessarily feel like the person I was a year ago. (Note: there are people called to work in a much more Catholic or faith-based environment, and I'm not saying anything to bash that. That is also so beautiful and important.) What I am saying is that God knows my heart and He knows it can only find true happiness if I go out and try to reach, love, and see people who are different from myself. Whether I'll always work in a secular environment, I don't know, but I do know with certainty that I am exactly where God wants me to be right now--where He can do what a priest once described to me as His "heart surgery."

Working in a secular environment isn't always comfortable for me, but if anything that only makes me love it more because it stretched me. In each individual who crosses my path I see beauty, and I want to come to better understand and know that person simply because they are.

My coworkers don't typically share my beliefs on some of the hot topics (though I am finding myself to be more and more moderate), but what we do share is a genuine concern and love for each individual in front of us (and isn't that what's most important?)

Working in a secular environment has helped me to see things differently and to delve into what being the heart of Christ in the world really looks like.

 ~*~ 

Specific Example

A year ago you ask me about "trans people" or "gay rights," I would have pictured a distant population. Now, if you ask me about it, I see the face of one of my trans students, and the first thing I want to know (non-judgmentally) is, "What is your story?"

In that moment, as I see the beauty of the other, I'm not asking this question in order to change that person. I'm asking because I recognize the individual's beauty and know that individual has seen and experienced things that I never have. Instead of asking to change the person, I'm asking to understand so that I can better love that individual (exactly as they are -- regardless of whether their views on matters change or not).

As I look back on what I've written, I want to note that when I say "I will love you whether your views change or not," I do NOT mean that in a better-than-though way. I recognize that we are equal in our flaws and beauty and that I have as much to learn from you as you have to learn from me. (I thank you for loving me whether my views change or not too. 😄)

When I encounter individuals-who-are-unlike-myself firsthand -- as opposed to talking about them as some distant population -- my heart is moved and I am forced to discover new things and ask questions I may not have asked before.

Recently, I've been having a spiritual struggle, because I've found that I often (not always, mind you -- not talking in absolutes here!) see a greater amount of genuine love, empathy, and compassion from people who are open to and/or support the LGBTQ+ community than I see from Catholics I've developed friendships with over the years. (Please, please remember that I'm not talking in absolutes. Not everyone who supports or promotes the LGBTQ+ community exudes these qualities, and I have met Catholics who approach the world with an INCREDIBLE about of love, empathy, and compassion.)

Seeing so much genuine love and care from the people who either live in or openly support the LGBTQ+ community has forced me to see that the world isn't black and white and that we can always learn something from our brothers and sisters with different views.

I'm not saying I disagree with the Catholic Church's teaching on when we are or are not called to have sexual intercourse (inside or outside of marriage; with the opposite or the same sex). That said, I do think leaders and members within the Catholic Church could do a better job of being charitable to people who identify as LGBTQ+ and could do more to affirm their worth and the goodness in them (and the fact that desiring a special bond or union with someone of the same sex can bring some beautiful and unique qualities to the table). Book recommendation especially for my Catholic friends: Gay and Catholic.

I could go on with this topic more, but I think I've made the main point I'm trying to make here. I am in a constant state of learning and discernment and am especially working to lead with the heart before the head. (That's what Christ did, see: The Bible.)

~*~ 

Working in a secular environment has helped me to ask questions I would not otherwise have asked and to see the beauty in people I might not have otherwise seen the beauty in.

I have dedicated my summer to trying to understand people who are so often misunderstood (both through research and through direct encounter), and I don't want that to end with this summer. Life is an amazing journey, and how beautiful it is that God has called me to know and love such amazing human beings in such amazing ways on my journey as I come to know Him.

 

Let's continue this heart surgery. ❤️

To Each A Mission (Speak To My Heart)

I spoke with a friend who is heading of to dedicate the next two years of her life to FOCUS and while we were talking I noted, "It seems like a lot of people are getting the mission bug." I meant this both in regard to roles actually known as 'missionary' as well as in regard to the unique mission each of us has in our home, school, workplace, etc.

My friend shared how her heart had felt the call to something different than the role she had in her job. In her job she had been able to meet the physical needs or people, but she saw another need that she felt called to fill and wasn't able to do so directly in that role.

As I see multiple friends going off to dedicate years of their lives to missions, I see more and more the beautiful, unique mission Christ sends us each of. My friend was radiating with joy as she talked about the number one way of evangelizing being through relationships. (Have you been reading my HEART, girl!?) Funny enough, over the past week or two I was thinking how beautiful it is to be gifted with the opportunity to develop relationships with some of His dearest children (on the autism spectrum and people working in that area). I could cry just thinking about the beauty of each individual I work with.

I was thinking about how strongly I feel a call to love people exactly where they are at. I thought about how much I longed to convey the message, "You are loved EXACTLY as you are. You don't need to change as a pre-requisite to my loving you. You are BEAUTIFUL and treasured - BELOVED - exactly as you are."

 "You are loved EXACTLY as you are. You don't need to change as a pre-requisite to my loving you. You are BEAUTIFUL and treasured - BELOVED - exactly as you are."

I had, in fact, been feeling a great deal of frustration with many Catholics, because I think within some Catholic groups there is the tendency to face inward and not outward -- to stay within ones little niche and only get to know people who share your views and background (an "us and them" mentality). I was sensing a closed-off-ness and a lack of acceptance and love of others from some (not all!) Catholic groups. (For clarification, I'm not turning against any Catholic teaching, but I'm saying first and foremost our mission is to start with the heart.)

For me personally, I feel a GREAT call to move outward and to get to know people in the secular world and try to understand the cries of their hearts --> people with disabilities, people who identify as LGBTQ+, etc. And NOT to get to know them with the mindset, "I am getting to know you so that I can change you," but to get to know them to allow them to experience the great gift of unconditional love and to transform my heart more and more into Christ's (there are no walls in Christ's heart) -- so that my heart truly can encompass and love each individual exactly where they are at.

This conversation with a friend truly was an answer to a specific prayer I've been praying over the past few days (whether or not I knew exactly what I was asking for) -- "take this bitterness and replace it with a heart overflowing with love."

This conversation reminded me that (while the flaws and issues of closed-off-ness that I see ARE still there in so many places), there is SO MUCH GOOD in the world! It is beautiful to see another Catholic mission that carries the mentality the has been on my heart: "Go OUT and LOVE each individual exactly where they're at."

~*~

It is SO BEAUTIFUL to see the beautiful missions Christ calls us to: the missions to encounter and love different people. Seeing my friend truly LIT UP WITH JOY over her mission in THE SAME WAY that my heart lights up when I think of my job and of the people who I am BLESSED beyond measure to have been given to love truly fills me with joy and affirms in my heart that I'm not crazy to love so much and so deeply. This LOVE is good. (Side tangent: I've been feeling shame for HOW strongly I feel drawn towards certain people, but that's another story. -- Moral of the story is: I've needed to see that this light is not shameful but is of Christ.)

This conversation was also reassurance to me that I am in the right place. To feel this much fulfillment from a job is a BLESSING! To have a job where I feel the same INDESCRIBABLE JOY and draw that people go on mission to find, that is incredible. 

It's funny how God works in our lives. No one person's mission is more beautiful than another's, yet each mission is THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING that individual person could be called to, and as we find our missions: HOW WE LIGHT UP!

I've always thought "the light of Christ" is an analogy, but now I'm not so sure. I think that sense of peace and fulfillment, that joy beyond expression --> that is Christ's light.

God could give me no other mission that would fill me with the joy I find in the mission I have now. None. (Cue: No Place I'd Rather Be) My heart would break at the thought of not being where I'm at, and it bursts with joy at the MIRACLE it is that God has put the people in my life that He did and has given me the HONOR to love them -- that He has appointed me that role.

~*~

My friend described this sort of peace she felt in her heart when God affirmed her steps towards her calling. I have felt that peace before. I know that peace (a confidence unwavering), and it is remarkable.

I hope everyone can find that place where they light up, that place where they are simultaneously giving and receiving in a beautiful balance. 

We will find ourselves fulfilling our missions in different places throughout our lives. Where I am now, where I was 10 years ago, and where I will be in 10 years may not all be the same, but I sure hope that light will be there! (Cue: insert this song that will either make you smile or cringe)

 To sum up this post, if you're not feeling full in where you are in life right now, it's okay to take a leap. At the same time, if you feel that fullness exactly where you are, how beautiful that is!  

God calls to the heart. We listen and respond. 

Perhaps you've already found your mission exactly where you are. If not, all I can say is:

When you find your mission, I hope you light up.

Sitting With Sadness

Today I left work feeling absolutely DEPLETED. That's not to say it was a bad day. There were many moments of very genuine laughter throughout the day -- one of my students even made me laugh to the point where tears were coming out of my eyes. (I could tell my abs got a workout.) There were moments of connection with students and there were some "how the heck did that work so well" firsts that were amazing to see.

~*~

As human beings, we're going to experience highs and lows. I have found that the moods of those around me has a big impact on my own mood. You're sad; I'm sad. You're happy; I'm happy. Empathy, folks. 

I have to admit I was sad to learn today that for some people spring is their worst season. For me, it is a sign of life and joy and new beginnings. For some people, it's a season where their depression kicks in all the more. Learning this today was the teardrop on top to an emotional week. It wasn't the main cause of my sadness, but it did increase it. Let's get to the main cause.

 ~*~

In his writings, C.S. Lewis emphasized the point that "to love is vulnerable." If you are going to care about yourself or others you are going to experience pain and sadness from time to time. Dialectics would also point out that in order to feel true moments of joy, warmth, and gladness fully, you also have to allow yourself to experience pain and sadness in their fullness.  

...Both/And...

Throughout these past couple months I have been learning so much. I love my job more than anything. I love getting to try to build each of my students up and help them succeed and have good moments. Everything my heart longed for when I decided to declare a social work major is being fulfilled in my current job. I get to be there for vulnerable kids.

That said, any job that fits into this realm is going to lead to insights that result in sorrow and heartache (assuming you have a heart that can be touched, and I don't believe you should be working with vulnerable populations if you don't). It's a sharing in the heartache of the individuals you meet.

My heart has been unraveling in beautiful ways over these past weeks and months. God truly does answer my prayer to give me His heart more and more each day and to "break my heart for what breaks Yours." The more I get to know individual students and just small pieces that make up their stories, the more my heart aches. 

I had no idea children with autism go through so much. As a coworker pointed out, so many of them come to us having been

                               * Traumatized

                               * Misunderstood

                               * Bullied

                               * Ignored

                               * Left out, etc.

With these experiences comes deeply embedded shame and low self-worth to top off their sensory struggles. I know I'm painting a bleak picture here and it ISN'T the whole picture, but it IS a big part of the picture and needs to be acknowledged and addressed.

Kids with autism go through A LOT, and it is absolutely heartbreaking to realize what so many of these kids have been through. For so many of them, messages of mockery, shame, and criticism have been embedded so deeply into their systems over the years that it can take years if not decades to undo.

The reason I love my job is that I get to be a little piece in that puzzle that we hope will be a healing journey for them. Replace the mockery with praise. Replace the shame with worth. Replace the criticism with empathy, problem-solving, and understanding. 

This is the beauty of having the heart to care and the ability to love. 

Yet with this inexplicable joy also comes the sadness: the sadness of seeing a kid mentally beat himself or herself up. The sadness of knowing that a kid has so deeply internalized messages of shame and self-loathing that they resist the very love you want to show them, resistance caused by deeply ingrained self-deprecating messages that will take years or more to undo.

I've started to think that the greatest pain and sadness Christ felt on the cross may have been the heartache of knowing how little we would love and value our own selves. He saw how our self-worth would be torn down. He saw the wounds that would be inflicted upon His children... and Jesus wept.

To love with the heart of Jesus means there will be moments of sadness. There will be moments when the healthiest response is to let that sadness be present. But it also means there will be moments of great joy:

Moments of great joy in realizing that we can emulate and imitate God's great love. Moments of great joy in knowing that not all is lost. Moments of great joy in realizing the power of prayer. Moments of great joy in realizing the great GIFT we have been given in each opportunity God puts before us to love. Moments of great joy is realizing the impact we can have on the life of another.  

 Moments of great joy in knowing that we can be vessels pouring out His love to those He longs to meet the most.

This is the joy that God calls us to. This is the joy I wish to embrace every day.

My Childhood Aspirations

Babyhood

Olympic Gymnast -- This dream was short-lived, because as soon as I was informed, "Most gymnasts have to leave their families for many years to work on their craft," I was like "yeah, nah." 

 

Youth

Mother -- Since childhood, my number one desire was to be a mom. I pictured being a stay-at-home mom like my mom was and possibly, but not definitely, homeschooling my kids. Yes, I did have a first name and middle name chosen for each of my children as well as deciding approximately what they would look like, what order they would be born in, and what day they would be born. (Spoiler alert: My first child was born in April of 2019... April 2021 was set as an alternative date.)

Postal Worker -- I think when I was young I might have wanted to be a mail carrier first, but my interest was at least as much in the sorting of materials as the delivery. I was OBSESSED with organizing materials in different ways (still am to this day) and thought working in mail sorting room sorting letters sounded like bliss. Images in There Goes A Mail Truck upped my interest considerably.

Dance Instructor -- I drempt of my sister and I opening a Catholic dance studio. I don't think this was an entirely unrealistic dream, as my sister and I were top of our dance classes and were regularly leading other students in the routines. I mostly wanted to be a dance instructor so that I could pick out costumes and music for the kids but also to choreograph. Fashion design played in big here. I can't count how many dance costumes I created and paired with songs on CDs we had at home. Sometimes I would create choreography and practice it in the living room.

Unfortunately, dancing went on the back-burner when I got busy with going away to school. Yet I have zero regrets about replacing it with tennis, because...tennis is bliss! Still, gotta say, I think I've lost the grace I had previously, my interest in choreographing, and my skills in memorization. I wish I could say I am a pop star level dancer, but lo that is not a skill I honed in my most formative skill-based years of life.

Middle school

Actress -- I was set on going to Hollywood. What drew me to this was watching films like The Secret Life of Bees and feeling that there were raw emotions that I would love to portray on screen. It seemed there was a depth of emotion that I would only be able to express in front of others and still be respected were it on-screen. My melancholic personally, love for raw realness, and feeling of not being accepted or belonging are all things that drew me here. I still have this interest but wouldn't want to try to make something so unstable, move-around, and competitive my main career.  

(Yes, I'm a 6. Stability 100,000% ;))

Singer -- I also went through phases were I dreamed of becoming the next Taylor Swift or the next pop star like Selena Gomez or Demi Lovato. Perhaps, in a sense, I felt so ignored and so not-thought-beautiful that I wanted to be prettied up like these girls on screen (full disclosure: not a great life in Hollywood but it was a fantasy). "And you're watching Disney Channel!"

High school

Social Worker -- In high school and pre-high school I watched enough films involving social workers and psychologists that I decided "that's what I want to be." I specifically wanted to become a social worker who worked with vulnerable children. I considered foster care as a possible area to work in, because can you think of children in a much more vulnerable position than that? 

My greatest desire really was to be a safe and caring adult in the lives of children who lack safe and caring adults. My own experiences of feeling unprotected and abused are what truly drew my heart to this field. Also, I felt super broken and was drawn to rawness and honesty, so I wanted to work in a role were brokenness was acknowledged and not just brushed under the rug like "we don't talk about that/we don't go there."

 

What's crazy and awesome is that even though I decided to drop my social work major mid-college due to scheduling conflicts with study abroad (a decision I do not regret making in the least), I literally have been doing exactly what I dreamed of doing post-college. 

Did I pinpoint the exact occupations I've worked in? No. I couldn't have given you these job titles. But what I do is really exactly what I wanted to get into but better -- if 100% fills the desires that initially drew me to social work but it does so in a more manageable, supportive, team-based context (because I don't know how I could've handled the stress of working in foster care!)

Lessons "Being" Learned

(If I'm aiming for a monthly blog post, then I'm doing pretty well. January ✔️✔️ February ✖ March ✔️)

If I can say one thing about my life recently, it's that things haven't been boring. I appreciate that. Life has been nothing short of an adventure. I work in a field where I am constantly healing, sometimes triggered, and constantly learning. 

Here are a few lessons I've learned about myself and about our world in general. Many of these may not come as a surprise to many folks, but in my sheltered little heart some of them do:

I realize this post may be full of more personal realizations where the lessons may not be as easily applicable to people in general, but hopefully they can help lead to insights or self-reflections on other people's ends.

Lesson 1: Negativity is an aura

Seriously, guys! -- Until recently I didn't realize how much one person can change the atmosphere in a room. Are you familiar with those types of people where you feel like if you say anything that isn't a complaint or mockery you're committing some sort of crime? I'm serious. It's 100% a real thing, and it's crazy how quickly that sort of atmosphere can suck the life out of me. I feel like I'm not free to be me. This just goes to show the importance of empathy and positivity. 

I'm not talking about toxic positivity where every problem is denied and a smile never leaves your face. That stuff if a problem too. But please, for the love of any and everything, can we have a little more compassion and positivity in our world? 

 

 

Some things to try more in order to invite positivity into a negative atmosphere: pay a compliment. be aware of when you're complaining (it's totally appropriate to complain sometimes, but try to notice if it's chronic and how you can way it out with positives), identify gossip and try to say something positive about that person.

~*~

Lesson 2: Being able to relate to struggling children can be a strength (and occasionally a weakness).

Now I'm not trying to say "yay, trauma" by any means, but I will say that when it comes to difficulty in middle school and into high school: I GET IT. Do I get everything? Nope. And too often I make the mistake of either thinking kids' situations or intentions are the same as mine were at their age. 

But I still think the level of empathy that my terrible experiences provide me with is more of a good thing than a bad. 

As noted above, I don't get everything (especially with having different sensory and perceptual experiences than a lot of the children I work with), but I do know what it was like to be a kid with all good intentions who was misunderstood by adults, who needed to have accommodations made, etc. etc. 

It actually blows my mind how many experiences I had in middle school where I see a kid and can say "relatable."

Needing to have a parent ask for me to skip a certain class for mental health reasons. ✔️

Having had someone physically try to drag me out of bed in the morning (due to school feeling that much like a prison to me). ✔️

Not feeling safe at home but still preferring being their than going to "the prison of" school. ✔️ 

Wanting to get away from people at school. ✔️

Dropping out of school on multiple occasions because being there felt like hell. ✔️

Being treated as if I'm a "bad" kid when really I'm internally screaming and/or shutting down as a SURVIVAL mechanism against trauma at school and/or at home. ✔️ 

Occasionally feeling that if I didn't overplay my needs I wouldn't be taken seriously.  ✔️

Feeling self-conscious and embarrassed about something that happened and not wanting attention drawn to it. ✔️

Dealing with negative self-talk and low self-esteem. (Feeling like a "loser")  ✔️

 Feeling powerless and a lack of control in one's life. ✔️

Honestly, trying to help kids have better experiences or feel more accepted and understood than I did, that is a huge healing experience for me. That said, I don't do it perfectly by any means. People will take advantage of kindness. It is important to learn a balance of being empathetic and assuming good intentions but also expecting kids to follow through with demands. There is the challenge of trying to not be/become the "softie" or "push over" who kids know they can take advantage of or get away with anything around.

I've noticed this weakness coming out in me. Sometimes I assume too good of intentions (simply because that was how I approached situations as a kid).

~*~

Lesson 3: Honesty isn't a "given."

That last point leads into a discovery I made that might make some people laugh. ("Like...duh," you might say.) 

Honesty isn't a given. What shocks me is how easily children--and sometimes adults--will let a lie slip off their tongue. I'm not talking white lies. I'm used to those. I'm talking straight up falsehoods. Sometimes this even happens when the truth is sooooo obvious... I mean sitting blankly IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE. 

It's like asking someone who is walking backwards down the hall towards you if they are walking backwards. "No."

Anyhow, it is important to trust my insights, intuition, and the obvious. I like to assume people are being honest (because it hurt when people assumed ill of me when all my intentions were good), but if I notice a pattern or a straight-up contradiction, those CUES are as important as the STATED fact.

~*~

Lesson 4: "Adult" doesn't always mean "adult." (In fact, adults are often more immature than kids.)

"Tell the truth." --- "Be respectful." 

"Don't say mean things about other people." --- "Be on time." 

"Don't use bad language." --- "Avoid certain subjects in a social setting."

Honestly, I was of the impression that the big DOs and DON'Ts and absolutes we learn as kids are meant to be taken with us into adulthood. I'm not saying adults are perfect. (The longer I am an adult and have adult experiences, the more I realize that my assumption in youth that adults know everything and that's why they're in charge was sooooooooooo wrong.)

I mean, really, guys. If I can pass for an adult... I don't feel like the bar is crazy high lol.

But I'm getting off-topic here. I'm simply amazed at the way adults will act behind each other's backs: the mean things they say, the bizarre jokes they make, and the ease with which they will break rules and/or straight up lie. (No guilt there? I mean... none? Nein? None at all?)

I know I'm over-perfectionistic. My expectations of people aren't always accurate or sometimes even reasonable, but I do think that kids #1 learn from what they see. Kids aren't fooled that easily. I just think it's weird that we would enforce these values in kids just to say, "Once you're over 18, you can disregard." 

Remember that every behavior is learned.

~*~

Lesson 5: All the other lessons are small in comparison to this lesson...

Growth is a process. 

Self-compassion is necessary. 

Balancing strengths with those weaknesses is so key.

It's never too late to change, and there are ample opportunities to improve.

Yesterday was a day where I noted my strengths. Today was a day where I noticed many weaknesses. I noticed places where my approach might not be working with certain kids. I noticed places where the outcome... isn't quite what I had in mind. But what's AS IMPORTANT as realizing this is having compassion for myself and give myself credit for my good intentions.

 

Rather than being bogged down by these things, I can see them as opportunities to grow. I see my weakness as a softie, but I also see how others can veer too far in the opposite direction. This allows me to commend my good intentions and to self-compassionately acknowledge the truth that BALANCE is something difficult to find (for all of us). 

No two situations are the same. And in just as many ways as I've flubbed up, in an equal number of ways I have probably helped a child: helped embed a sense of self-worth in them, helped them to feel heard and worth hearing, helped them feel safe and cared for... These are beautiful things. Now I can work on helping them to see when they are capable of more.

Some final words???

Count those blessings! (Gratitude journaling? Highly recommend! -- And that is a self-reminder too.)

Don't discount your strengths! (You have innate worth and many gifts on top of that!)

Acknowledge your weaknesses but view them as "places for growth." (Framing things affects outcome)

Give yourself a little self-love. (Affirm! Affirm! Self-affirmations... oh, and bubble baths 😃)

If your intention is good, that is the most important thing. (#1! You are good...)

Learning is what follows. (...and you will be better! #2)