If I can say one thing about my life recently, it's that things haven't been boring. I appreciate that. Life has been nothing short of an adventure. I work in a field where I am constantly healing, sometimes triggered, and constantly learning.
Here are a few lessons I've learned about myself and about our world in general. Many of these may not come as a surprise to many folks, but in my sheltered little heart some of them do:
I realize this post may be full of more personal realizations where the lessons may not be as easily applicable to people in general, but hopefully they can help lead to insights or self-reflections on other people's ends.
Lesson 1: Negativity is an aura
Seriously, guys! -- Until recently I didn't realize how much one person can change the atmosphere in a room. Are you familiar with those types of people where you feel like if you say anything that isn't a complaint or mockery you're committing some sort of crime? I'm serious. It's 100% a real thing, and it's crazy how quickly that sort of atmosphere can suck the life out of me. I feel like I'm not free to be me. This just goes to show the importance of empathy and positivity.
I'm not talking about toxic positivity where every problem is denied and a smile never leaves your face. That stuff if a problem too. But please, for the love of any and everything, can we have a little more compassion and positivity in our world?
~*~
Lesson 2: Being able to relate to struggling children can be a strength (and occasionally a weakness).
Now I'm not trying to say "yay, trauma" by any means, but I will say that when it comes to difficulty in middle school and into high school: I GET IT. Do I get everything? Nope. And too often I make the mistake of either thinking kids' situations or intentions are the same as mine were at their age.
But I still think the level of empathy that my terrible experiences provide me with is more of a good thing than a bad.
As noted above, I don't get everything (especially with having different sensory and perceptual experiences than a lot of the children I work with), but I do know what it was like to be a kid with all good intentions who was misunderstood by adults, who needed to have accommodations made, etc. etc.
It actually blows my mind how many experiences I had in middle school where I see a kid and can say "relatable."
Needing to have a parent ask for me to skip a certain class for mental health reasons. ✔️
Having had someone physically try to drag me out of bed in the morning (due to school feeling that much like a prison to me). ✔️
Not feeling safe at home but still preferring being their than going to "the prison of" school. ✔️
Wanting to get away from people at school. ✔️
Dropping out of school on multiple occasions because being there felt like hell. ✔️
Being treated as if I'm a "bad" kid when really I'm internally screaming and/or shutting down as a SURVIVAL mechanism against trauma at school and/or at home. ✔️
Occasionally feeling that if I didn't overplay my needs I wouldn't be taken seriously. ✔️
Feeling self-conscious and embarrassed about something that happened and not wanting attention drawn to it. ✔️
Dealing with negative self-talk and low self-esteem. (Feeling like a "loser") ✔️
Feeling powerless and a lack of control in one's life. ✔️
Honestly, trying to help kids have better experiences or feel more accepted and understood than I did, that is a huge healing experience for me. That said, I don't do it perfectly by any means. People will take advantage of kindness. It is important to learn a balance of being empathetic and assuming good intentions but also expecting kids to follow through with demands. There is the challenge of trying to not be/become the "softie" or "push over" who kids know they can take advantage of or get away with anything around.
I've noticed this weakness coming out in me. Sometimes I assume too good of intentions (simply because that was how I approached situations as a kid).
~*~
That last point leads into a discovery I made that might make some people laugh. ("Like...duh," you might say.)
Honesty isn't a given. What shocks me is how easily children--and sometimes adults--will let a lie slip off their tongue. I'm not talking white lies. I'm used to those. I'm talking straight up falsehoods. Sometimes this even happens when the truth is sooooo obvious... I mean sitting blankly IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.
It's like asking someone who is walking backwards down the hall towards you if they are walking backwards. "No."
Anyhow, it is important to trust my insights, intuition, and the obvious. I like to assume people are being honest (because it hurt when people assumed ill of me when all my intentions were good), but if I notice a pattern or a straight-up contradiction, those CUES are as important as the STATED fact.
~*~
Lesson 4: "Adult" doesn't always mean "adult." (In fact, adults are often more immature than kids.)
"Tell the truth." --- "Be respectful."
"Don't say mean things about other people." --- "Be on time."
"Don't use bad language." --- "Avoid certain subjects in a social setting."
Honestly, I was of the impression that the big DOs and DON'Ts and absolutes we learn as kids are meant to be taken with us into adulthood. I'm not saying adults are perfect. (The longer I am an adult and have adult experiences, the more I realize that my assumption in youth that adults know everything and that's why they're in charge was sooooooooooo wrong.)
I mean, really, guys. If I can pass for an adult... I don't feel like the bar is crazy high lol.
But I'm getting off-topic here. I'm simply amazed at the way adults will act behind each other's backs: the mean things they say, the bizarre jokes they make, and the ease with which they will break rules and/or straight up lie. (No guilt there? I mean... none? Nein? None at all?)
I know I'm over-perfectionistic. My expectations of people aren't always accurate or sometimes even reasonable, but I do think that kids #1 learn from what they see. Kids aren't fooled that easily. I just think it's weird that we would enforce these values in kids just to say, "Once you're over 18, you can disregard."
Remember that every behavior is learned.
~*~
Lesson 5: All the other lessons are small in comparison to this lesson...
Growth is a process.
Self-compassion is necessary.
Balancing strengths with those weaknesses is so key.
It's never too late to change, and there are ample opportunities to improve.
Yesterday was a day where I noted my strengths. Today was a day where I noticed many weaknesses. I noticed places where my approach might not be working with certain kids. I noticed places where the outcome... isn't quite what I had in mind. But what's AS IMPORTANT as realizing this is having compassion for myself and give myself credit for my good intentions.
Rather than being bogged down by these things, I can see them as opportunities to grow. I see my weakness as a softie, but I also see how others can veer too far in the opposite direction. This allows me to commend my good intentions and to self-compassionately acknowledge the truth that BALANCE is something difficult to find (for all of us).
No two situations are the same. And in just as many ways as I've flubbed up, in an equal number of ways I have probably helped a child: helped embed a sense of self-worth in them, helped them to feel heard and worth hearing, helped them feel safe and cared for... These are beautiful things. Now I can work on helping them to see when they are capable of more.
Some final words???
Count those blessings! (Gratitude journaling? Highly recommend! -- And that is a self-reminder too.)
Don't discount your strengths! (You have innate worth and many gifts on top of that!)
Acknowledge your weaknesses but view them as "places for growth." (Framing things affects outcome)
Give yourself a little self-love. (Affirm! Affirm! Self-affirmations... oh, and bubble baths 😃)
If your intention is good, that is the most important thing. (#1! You are good...)
Learning is what follows. (...and you will be better! #2)
No comments:
Post a Comment