My Childhood Aspirations

Babyhood

Olympic Gymnast -- This dream was short-lived, because as soon as I was informed, "Most gymnasts have to leave their families for many years to work on their craft," I was like "yeah, nah." 

 

Youth

Mother -- Since childhood, my number one desire was to be a mom. I pictured being a stay-at-home mom like my mom was and possibly, but not definitely, homeschooling my kids. Yes, I did have a first name and middle name chosen for each of my children as well as deciding approximately what they would look like, what order they would be born in, and what day they would be born. (Spoiler alert: My first child was born in April of 2019... April 2021 was set as an alternative date.)

Postal Worker -- I think when I was young I might have wanted to be a mail carrier first, but my interest was at least as much in the sorting of materials as the delivery. I was OBSESSED with organizing materials in different ways (still am to this day) and thought working in mail sorting room sorting letters sounded like bliss. Images in There Goes A Mail Truck upped my interest considerably.

Dance Instructor -- I drempt of my sister and I opening a Catholic dance studio. I don't think this was an entirely unrealistic dream, as my sister and I were top of our dance classes and were regularly leading other students in the routines. I mostly wanted to be a dance instructor so that I could pick out costumes and music for the kids but also to choreograph. Fashion design played in big here. I can't count how many dance costumes I created and paired with songs on CDs we had at home. Sometimes I would create choreography and practice it in the living room.

Unfortunately, dancing went on the back-burner when I got busy with going away to school. Yet I have zero regrets about replacing it with tennis, because...tennis is bliss! Still, gotta say, I think I've lost the grace I had previously, my interest in choreographing, and my skills in memorization. I wish I could say I am a pop star level dancer, but lo that is not a skill I honed in my most formative skill-based years of life.

Middle school

Actress -- I was set on going to Hollywood. What drew me to this was watching films like The Secret Life of Bees and feeling that there were raw emotions that I would love to portray on screen. It seemed there was a depth of emotion that I would only be able to express in front of others and still be respected were it on-screen. My melancholic personally, love for raw realness, and feeling of not being accepted or belonging are all things that drew me here. I still have this interest but wouldn't want to try to make something so unstable, move-around, and competitive my main career.  

(Yes, I'm a 6. Stability 100,000% ;))

Singer -- I also went through phases were I dreamed of becoming the next Taylor Swift or the next pop star like Selena Gomez or Demi Lovato. Perhaps, in a sense, I felt so ignored and so not-thought-beautiful that I wanted to be prettied up like these girls on screen (full disclosure: not a great life in Hollywood but it was a fantasy). "And you're watching Disney Channel!"

High school

Social Worker -- In high school and pre-high school I watched enough films involving social workers and psychologists that I decided "that's what I want to be." I specifically wanted to become a social worker who worked with vulnerable children. I considered foster care as a possible area to work in, because can you think of children in a much more vulnerable position than that? 

My greatest desire really was to be a safe and caring adult in the lives of children who lack safe and caring adults. My own experiences of feeling unprotected and abused are what truly drew my heart to this field. Also, I felt super broken and was drawn to rawness and honesty, so I wanted to work in a role were brokenness was acknowledged and not just brushed under the rug like "we don't talk about that/we don't go there."

 

What's crazy and awesome is that even though I decided to drop my social work major mid-college due to scheduling conflicts with study abroad (a decision I do not regret making in the least), I literally have been doing exactly what I dreamed of doing post-college. 

Did I pinpoint the exact occupations I've worked in? No. I couldn't have given you these job titles. But what I do is really exactly what I wanted to get into but better -- if 100% fills the desires that initially drew me to social work but it does so in a more manageable, supportive, team-based context (because I don't know how I could've handled the stress of working in foster care!)

Lessons "Being" Learned

(If I'm aiming for a monthly blog post, then I'm doing pretty well. January ✔️✔️ February ✖ March ✔️)

If I can say one thing about my life recently, it's that things haven't been boring. I appreciate that. Life has been nothing short of an adventure. I work in a field where I am constantly healing, sometimes triggered, and constantly learning. 

Here are a few lessons I've learned about myself and about our world in general. Many of these may not come as a surprise to many folks, but in my sheltered little heart some of them do:

I realize this post may be full of more personal realizations where the lessons may not be as easily applicable to people in general, but hopefully they can help lead to insights or self-reflections on other people's ends.

Lesson 1: Negativity is an aura

Seriously, guys! -- Until recently I didn't realize how much one person can change the atmosphere in a room. Are you familiar with those types of people where you feel like if you say anything that isn't a complaint or mockery you're committing some sort of crime? I'm serious. It's 100% a real thing, and it's crazy how quickly that sort of atmosphere can suck the life out of me. I feel like I'm not free to be me. This just goes to show the importance of empathy and positivity. 

I'm not talking about toxic positivity where every problem is denied and a smile never leaves your face. That stuff if a problem too. But please, for the love of any and everything, can we have a little more compassion and positivity in our world? 

 

 

Some things to try more in order to invite positivity into a negative atmosphere: pay a compliment. be aware of when you're complaining (it's totally appropriate to complain sometimes, but try to notice if it's chronic and how you can way it out with positives), identify gossip and try to say something positive about that person.

~*~

Lesson 2: Being able to relate to struggling children can be a strength (and occasionally a weakness).

Now I'm not trying to say "yay, trauma" by any means, but I will say that when it comes to difficulty in middle school and into high school: I GET IT. Do I get everything? Nope. And too often I make the mistake of either thinking kids' situations or intentions are the same as mine were at their age. 

But I still think the level of empathy that my terrible experiences provide me with is more of a good thing than a bad. 

As noted above, I don't get everything (especially with having different sensory and perceptual experiences than a lot of the children I work with), but I do know what it was like to be a kid with all good intentions who was misunderstood by adults, who needed to have accommodations made, etc. etc. 

It actually blows my mind how many experiences I had in middle school where I see a kid and can say "relatable."

Needing to have a parent ask for me to skip a certain class for mental health reasons. ✔️

Having had someone physically try to drag me out of bed in the morning (due to school feeling that much like a prison to me). ✔️

Not feeling safe at home but still preferring being their than going to "the prison of" school. ✔️ 

Wanting to get away from people at school. ✔️

Dropping out of school on multiple occasions because being there felt like hell. ✔️

Being treated as if I'm a "bad" kid when really I'm internally screaming and/or shutting down as a SURVIVAL mechanism against trauma at school and/or at home. ✔️ 

Occasionally feeling that if I didn't overplay my needs I wouldn't be taken seriously.  ✔️

Feeling self-conscious and embarrassed about something that happened and not wanting attention drawn to it. ✔️

Dealing with negative self-talk and low self-esteem. (Feeling like a "loser")  ✔️

 Feeling powerless and a lack of control in one's life. ✔️

Honestly, trying to help kids have better experiences or feel more accepted and understood than I did, that is a huge healing experience for me. That said, I don't do it perfectly by any means. People will take advantage of kindness. It is important to learn a balance of being empathetic and assuming good intentions but also expecting kids to follow through with demands. There is the challenge of trying to not be/become the "softie" or "push over" who kids know they can take advantage of or get away with anything around.

I've noticed this weakness coming out in me. Sometimes I assume too good of intentions (simply because that was how I approached situations as a kid).

~*~

Lesson 3: Honesty isn't a "given."

That last point leads into a discovery I made that might make some people laugh. ("Like...duh," you might say.) 

Honesty isn't a given. What shocks me is how easily children--and sometimes adults--will let a lie slip off their tongue. I'm not talking white lies. I'm used to those. I'm talking straight up falsehoods. Sometimes this even happens when the truth is sooooo obvious... I mean sitting blankly IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE. 

It's like asking someone who is walking backwards down the hall towards you if they are walking backwards. "No."

Anyhow, it is important to trust my insights, intuition, and the obvious. I like to assume people are being honest (because it hurt when people assumed ill of me when all my intentions were good), but if I notice a pattern or a straight-up contradiction, those CUES are as important as the STATED fact.

~*~

Lesson 4: "Adult" doesn't always mean "adult." (In fact, adults are often more immature than kids.)

"Tell the truth." --- "Be respectful." 

"Don't say mean things about other people." --- "Be on time." 

"Don't use bad language." --- "Avoid certain subjects in a social setting."

Honestly, I was of the impression that the big DOs and DON'Ts and absolutes we learn as kids are meant to be taken with us into adulthood. I'm not saying adults are perfect. (The longer I am an adult and have adult experiences, the more I realize that my assumption in youth that adults know everything and that's why they're in charge was sooooooooooo wrong.)

I mean, really, guys. If I can pass for an adult... I don't feel like the bar is crazy high lol.

But I'm getting off-topic here. I'm simply amazed at the way adults will act behind each other's backs: the mean things they say, the bizarre jokes they make, and the ease with which they will break rules and/or straight up lie. (No guilt there? I mean... none? Nein? None at all?)

I know I'm over-perfectionistic. My expectations of people aren't always accurate or sometimes even reasonable, but I do think that kids #1 learn from what they see. Kids aren't fooled that easily. I just think it's weird that we would enforce these values in kids just to say, "Once you're over 18, you can disregard." 

Remember that every behavior is learned.

~*~

Lesson 5: All the other lessons are small in comparison to this lesson...

Growth is a process. 

Self-compassion is necessary. 

Balancing strengths with those weaknesses is so key.

It's never too late to change, and there are ample opportunities to improve.

Yesterday was a day where I noted my strengths. Today was a day where I noticed many weaknesses. I noticed places where my approach might not be working with certain kids. I noticed places where the outcome... isn't quite what I had in mind. But what's AS IMPORTANT as realizing this is having compassion for myself and give myself credit for my good intentions.

 

Rather than being bogged down by these things, I can see them as opportunities to grow. I see my weakness as a softie, but I also see how others can veer too far in the opposite direction. This allows me to commend my good intentions and to self-compassionately acknowledge the truth that BALANCE is something difficult to find (for all of us). 

No two situations are the same. And in just as many ways as I've flubbed up, in an equal number of ways I have probably helped a child: helped embed a sense of self-worth in them, helped them to feel heard and worth hearing, helped them feel safe and cared for... These are beautiful things. Now I can work on helping them to see when they are capable of more.

Some final words???

Count those blessings! (Gratitude journaling? Highly recommend! -- And that is a self-reminder too.)

Don't discount your strengths! (You have innate worth and many gifts on top of that!)

Acknowledge your weaknesses but view them as "places for growth." (Framing things affects outcome)

Give yourself a little self-love. (Affirm! Affirm! Self-affirmations... oh, and bubble baths 😃)

If your intention is good, that is the most important thing. (#1! You are good...)

Learning is what follows. (...and you will be better! #2)