My Favorite Star Wars Character: Darth Vader & Divine Mercy

I'll admit I first became a Darth Vader super fan due to having a crush on Anakin. I first saw the Star Wars movies in January 2016.

(Photos courtesy Google Images)

Episode 3 is so painful yet also so insightful with many beautiful scenes and many horrifying and heart-wrenching scenes.

For me, the most painful scene in Star Wars is when Darth Sidious talks to Anakin alone in the senate room and starts to get a hold on him: taking a virtuous quality in Anakin (a desire to see his loved ones live) and twisting it against him through falsehoods and seduction, using Anakin's pride and fear as a griphold.

My absolute favorite scene in Star Wars is the scene in the throne room where Luke, Darth Vader, and Darth Sidious fight each other. Even under his mask, I can see the interior battle happening within Anakin as he watches Darth Sidious torturing his son before turning against Sidious and saving Luke. A CHANGE IN HEART at that ultimate moment. So beautiful! To me one of the most beautiful moments in cinematic history!

I find Star Wars to be such an uplifting and insightful series. It's full of analogies and statements... truly symbolic.

What stands out to me the most in Star Wars is the beautiful relationship between Luke and the good and Luke and his father. Luke never actually gives up on his father. Even when things seem discouraging and hopeless, he continues to express his love for his father, to tell him there is still good in him, and to invite him to come to the good side.

What a beautiful example for each of us in our own lives and in every encounter we have with another or even with ourselves. We all have a little Luke and a little Darth Vader within us.

We must never lose hope in each other or stop loving each other. God doesn't! And we should never lose hope in ourselves or believe it's too late to turn to the good and try again. These are lessons that Star Wars can teach us. It's not just fantasy. It's filled with reality.

Even on our deathbeds, even today, even now -- regardless of how bad our sins are (just think of Anakin and the countless lives he took and weaknesses he gave into) -- we can turn to each other and say as Luke said, "I know there is still good in you," and turn to Our Lord (Whom we have hurt most of all) and hear Him say, "Come to me, and I will give you rest... I am the Divine Mercy."

What greater love or mercy is there than that? Let's love, respect, and live the Divine Mercy every day just as Luke and Our Lord did and turn back to the good like Anakin.

Don't Give Into The Post-College Assumption

I've written a lot of posts for myself, but this one is for you guys!

I've been out of college for just over four months now, and since graduation I've been trying to meet with friends on about a weekly basis for coffee dates. I love to check with people and to see how they are. I always find that my friendships are life giving, and to me friendship is what life is truly about.

I just checked my planner, and over the course of these past few months I've been on 19 coffee dates with fellow post-grads. 19! And I want to share something about those coffee dates with all of you... 

Not ONE person amidst those coffee dates has told me that he or she is perfectly happy with his or her life!

They've shared with me the stresses of school, finding a job, relationships, faith life, feelings of emptiness, uncertainties... the list goes on and on. Not ONE person I met with told me that they are stress-free and have got their life all in order.

I think many or all of us (definitely myself included) leave college and look around at our friends, classmates, fellow-grads, and we think they have everything in order. This person is getting married. That person is pursuing their masters. This person has a full-time job. This person has a nice home. This person is going on an adventure. Yada-yada.

(Photo courtesy Google Images)

There are so many beautiful things about life, but if you go through life thinking that ANY one of those people feels like they've got everything together...YOU ARE MISTAKEN. 

It's our 20s, and we're living life. We're figuring things out. That person who you see just got a ring on his or her finger is already worrying about the next step or may be dealing with the loss of a loved one. That person with the beautiful house is dealing with feelings of loneliness. That person pursuing a degree is struggling to also juggle a job and get a decent amount of sleep each night.

See. It's ok to be imperfect. It's ok to have insecurities. It's ok to still be looking for that job. It's ok to not have that boyfriend or girlfriend. It's ok to be continually discerning one's vocation. It's ok to be struggling with one's faith life, sleep schedule, diet, just getting out of bed every morning...

This doesn't make you a loser. You are NOT alone.

I know from experience that it's one thing to hear someone tell you "It's ok" and it's another thing to internalize it. Many of us will have to be reminded this time and time again. We may struggle to grasp it. But I hope that if we try to grab on to the reality that NO ONE has his or her stress-free life together, that it's ok to not always know the next step, that it's ok to be who we are and where we are right now, if we just keep reminding ourselves this...

I hope that one day you'll believe it. (Because I'm just finally starting to.)

The Cross of Non-Vulnerability

People say that being vulnerable is scary, but what I really think is scary is the thought of being vulnerable with someone who doesn't want you to be vulnerable with them. This might not be the case for all people, but I still have this sense that deep down we all want to share about ourselves. We want to be known, but we don't really think anyone cares.

Personally, I think the idea of being vulnerable with people is freeing. It hurts when people don't want to get to know the real me.

Do I have the right to be known? I've always assumed no, but for the first time I think that might be wrong. Maybe if I actually acknowledged my worth I would go up to the people I call friends and say, "Here's the real me. Take it or leave it." 

I feel like so many of my friends are afraid to get to know the real me, but that's actually really degrading if that's the case.

I think the main reason people are afraid of others being vulnerable with them is because it makes them feel helpless. They feel guilt for the fact that someone just opened up their heart to them and they can't help them. If you think about it, that's actually selfish: forcing people to hide behind walls so that you don't have to face the reality that you might just need to be their friend and not get exalted to the position of savior.

Until we let others open up to us, we aren't actually accepting them or showing them their worth. How disgusting is that, if you think about it? So many of us (perhaps everyone) is hiding some wound deep inside - some integral part of them - that they don't want others to see, because they assume that others don't want to see or know about it but just want to stay in their comfortable little lives. I hope this assumption is wrong; otherwise, it turns out we really are a cold-hearted people.

How many people are not being touched by Christ, because people aren't letting Christ work through them as listener and comforter? If no other comfort, there is a comfort in being listened to.

Are we ruled by fear our courage? 

I'll be the first to admit that for me it's fear: not fear of people opening up to me but of people not wanting me to open up to them.

I pray that more people will open themselves up to others as listeners. Stop turning away our friends. Stop saying, "I love you, but don't tell me." Stop giving them the vibe that you have boundaries with them that won't let them be human.

I would like to set a new personal boundary. And this boundary says that if you don't want to get to know me for me then this isn't really a friendship and why am I wasting my time on this facade?

Self-Neglect Is Not Humility (Killing Myself Slowly)

I think for most people, when they hear a term like "self-abuse" they right away think physical abuse like cutting, but I must note that abuse falls into multiple categories and one of these is most certainly neglect.

Am I finding time to maintain a proper diet? 

Am I consistently eating healthy foods every day?

Am I getting the proper amount of sleep I need or forcing my body to sacrifice routine?

Do I have a social life where I get support from peers?

Am I finding time to work out to attain/maintain physical and psychological health?

Am I physically straining my body beyond a safe and healthy level of activity?

Am I finding time to maintain my own sanity and enjoy life through recreation & relaxation?

In other words:

Are my physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual needs being met?

This list is not all-encompassing and could be much longer...

I've been living under the presumption that it's okay (in fact, good and selfless) for me to not take care of myself so long as I am sacrificing my own self-care for the care of others. However, I have recently learned that is not the case. (Praise the Lord!)

Indeed, in the Hierarchy of Charity, we are supposed to take care of our own needs before we take care of those of others. We may have all heard the phrase "take care of yourself first or you will have nothing left to give others." However, this phrase can be misconstrued. We do not simply take care of ourselves so that we can take care of others. We have value in ourselves too!!!

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your bodies." (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

"Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in your midst? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy that person; for God's temple is sacred, and you together are that temple." (1 Corinthians 3:16-17)

"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death." (Philippians 1:20)

I did not realize that self-care is a Christian practice prescribed by God! Nor did I realize that it is actually wrong to tend to others needs at the neglect of your own.

I recently read through an article that was pretty self-descriptory. The article talked about tendencies certain types of people have, and so many of these tendencies were to demean and devalue themselves. Literally, when I looked at these descriptions - while I recognized the tendencies four-fold - as I pictured anyone else doing them I thought, "This is sad! It makes me sad to even think that anyone would treat himself this way! Nobody should be treated this way. Not by others or by himself."

Now that I think about it, over a year ago I was having a conversation with my spiritual director when she told me that we tend to look at canonized saints and their self-sacrificing living which often include inflicting pain of themselves. She explained to me that we are not all called to that lifestyle. This was a novelty to me. I only just now began to internalize the message not only that we are not called to hurt ourselves through intentional infliction of pain but also that we are called to not neglect our own needs. Self-neglect is not a holy and sacred practice. You are neglecting God's temple: a gift that He has prized to you and that He desires to see flourish.

Self-abuse is not only active but passive. 

With this is mind, I would like to share some ideas for things for you to put on your radar. Each day ask yourself:

Your self-care list may vary slightly, but overall it should include the important things. Take care of yourself! You will by no means be 100% perfect, but you should always be working towards the goal of meeting all of these needs. If your needs are not being met, it's important to reach out for help. That is NOT selfish. That is acknowledging your worth as a Temple of the Holy Spirit and taking care of that temple. 

Try making this your daily checklist. Talk to friends, a priest, a psychologist, etc. if you are having a difficult time making the completion of this checklist possible... you are not alone! 

The Day I Learned I'm Not Superhuman: Shift Work Sleep Disorder

It was one of the most stressful morning's of my life. I had worked four awake nights (10pm-6am) throughout the week and had swapped shifts with someone so that I was also working a Saturday shift (6am-2pm). A body like mine just couldn't handle it, and I wish I had realized that sooner so that I wouldn't let people down.

See, this is the life of a health care professional working inconsistent and early shifts.

For someone like me you just have to learn and accept your body's limitations. The reason I agree to do many things is because I don't want to let people down. However, in the end I'm either letting my body down or letting others down worse.

This particular morning caused me so much stress that my heart was becoming weak for lack of oxygen. I wasn't in a full-fledged panic attack. I couldn't have one of those in the moment, but my body was waning away. When I woke up I felt rather numb. On top of other health concerns, I had only slept 2-3 hours the night prior due to my scheduling being off (insomnia), and I had gotten very frustratingly inconsistent sleep throughout the week as I tried to get my body to do what it had to do to get my shifts done. My body didn't want to sleep all day, but what was worse was getting up at 4:45am mornings.

In my position, you can't just call in right before work and say, "I'm sick. My body is numb. My heart is giving out on me from fatigue. I can't come in." -- In my position (shift work) you're also more likely to HAVE morning's like this (at least if you're me), because your body is so drained and wasn't made to function this way. -- You have to predict at least the night before if you'll be sick, and even this is a bad idea. You have to know at least 24 hours in advance to get an emergency sub. In my case... yikes. I guess I should've known my body would give out on my on a schedule like this, but I wanted to be super human.

LESSON LEARNED: Shifts that require getting up at 4:45am do not work for me (getting up anytime before 6am is a nightmare), and jobs that require shift work are not ideal for my body.

Maybe these shifts work for some people, and I'm glad those people exist!

I guess now I know more about myself, although I'm super sorry to have let people down. Of all things in life, the MOST painful thing for me is letting people down. It drives me nuts. It gives me panic attacks. I have depression and severe anxiety disorder, and the two things that truly stress me the most are (1) sleep exhaustion, (2) letting people down.

So it's a year of learning. I'm learning to take myself seriously. I'm learning my limitations. This is good. Praise the Lord for helping me and not having me learn these lessons in a more drastic way. Even if this seemed drastic and was drastic, it could have been much worse.

This is a short blog post with an important lesson and a simple yet incredibly helpful reflection.

I continue to be in awe of all the health care professionals out there who work day in and day out on absolutely ridiculous shifts. I think something should be done about the inconsistency of the schedule if it can, because if you're going to help someone with their own health you first need to take care of your own.

Anyhow, kuddos to all you cool people out there! You're superhuman, and I have learned that I am not, and I am grateful for that. I am grateful to accept that I have limitations. There's some beauty in limitation. (In letting others down? No. But in knowing there is a time to say no and to simplify your life and stay sane with good reason. Yes.)

I hope someday the world will make better conditions for health care workers, and I have a new founded respect for people in this field. I don't think this is proper treatment of a human's circadian rhythm, but YOU GO, GUYS! 

When I said ta-ta to Facebook

1. I stopped being obsessed with comparing myself to others.
When I go on Facebook, my mind is CONSTANTLY comparing myself to others both when I'm on Facebook and when I'm off. I'm always thinking of the latest post. I'm thinking of who is dating whom or how so and so will respond. I'm thinking about who commented on what and how it's not fair that they can get away with it, or I'm looking at who liked what.

2. I no longer burrow (is that the word?) anger against others so much.
Admittedly, going on Facebook I am constantly frustrated with people: sometimes for the wrong reasons. Often, when I should be happy for someone, I am jealous. I get sick of all the comparisons or jealous of others for getting so many compliments, etc. etc. I get very angry at people for building up people for certain things as if they are the most pivotal things in the world. (I know. That's a vice of mine :P) I get upset about constantly feeling I need to compare regardless of where I consider myself to be on the comparison scale.

3. I have a better self-image/public-image.
When caught up with Facebook, I always stress about how I'm posting too much or should I post this or not that. I'm always worried about what so and so will think of my post. I'm always in admiration of those who hardly ever go on Facebook or rarely post. I get mad at myself for feeling a lack of impulse control, because I really want to post something and then if so-and-so doesn't like it I feel really stupid, or I go into comparison mode and think "I'm more like ___ and want to be more like ___." When off Facebook, I can love myself more. I'm being who I want to be and don't have to think about how I am going to portray myself to the world on the daily.

4. I'm no longer drawing so many false conclusions or making up as many stressful or even engaging scenarios in my head.
The transformation is UNREAL when I think about it. A few weeks ago I COULD NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME live in the moment. I would try but my thoughts would always go to worrying about the future and making up scenarios. My entire mental dialogue was a bunch of made up scenarios. I still do dialogue in my head some, but it's so much better, and I have much more control over it. I'm not worried about the future anymore. I'm not worried about not being enough in the now. I love myself and where I'm at. I'm grateful that I'm where I'm at. For the first time I'm not stressed with wanting a boyfriend. I'm actually grateful that God has put me exactly where I am now and that he hasn't given me certain things I've asked for and has given me others. My eyes have been opened to the beauty of His blessings and the tranquility --> much of this is due to prayer, but being off of Facebook has certainly helped. I don't have to be constantly thinking, "What am I going to post about this tonight?" or "How/when should I respond to so-and-so?"

5. I'm reading!
The first few days it seemed weird when I had that spare minute and had to find something non-Facebook to do. It didn't feel bad. It felt rather good. It was just weird. Now...I LOVE IT!!! I love diving into these worlds that help me grow as a person or simply bring me joy. Reading novels isn't such a pain, because I don't have to compare myself to the characters to the extent where "Do I have a love like there's?" I enjoy reading for reading. I enjoy sitting in the hammock on the rare occasions when I get the chance. And I value these free moments more, because I really rarely do have time to read. When I actually come home from work and have time to sit down and read a book, that's a GIFT. When I set down a book I look forward to the next time I can pick it back up, but it's also good because I'm living life in-between it and that's what's keeping me from reading the book straight through: life, not Facebook.

6. I'm developing and realizing the beauty of REAL relationships in my life.
I've managed to get coffee with a number of people over the summer. I have been SOOO blessed! I'm starting to communicate with people more through text which seems more intimate in the sense that I'm in direct communication with this person and not just posting things for all the world to watch or observe or compare or see etc. etc. When I text people it's usually to check up on something and/or see when we can get together. More often the later which is DIVINE. When I've gotten coffee with people, I've realized HOW MUCH I value these solid beautiful relationships, and I see how God knows and has provided me with the exact friends I need at the exactly right time. I love to grow in these relationships off the web. For the first time, I'm feeling a healthy connection with people and gratitude for people that I haven't had in years if ever before. It's a CONNECTION. It's a real friendship and relationship versus something to make me look popular on Facebook. I never realized how much I lacked until I found this. The fact that this exists is absolutely beautiful. I must've forgotten what friendship was. I've never known friendships like these. Cultivating relationships with a few people, a manageable number, and actually being able to INVEST in these relationships and experience others love for me and my love for them is incredible.

7. On and on...
There's no way I could make a post comprising all the blessings I have received from going off of Facebook. The experience is INCREDIBLE. It's like breathing a whole new refreshing air after being suffocated and punched in the chest for years. It's friendships and relationships: things I have found I haven't known the meaning of since childhood. Adult relationships. So beautiful. Friendships. That's what this is. I'm no longer a fish swimming in a chaotic see. I'm in a prairie where I get to smell all the beautiful flowers, maybe trip on a stone and examine the wound, maybe there's a gust of wind that makes me stay put to learn through a tough experience, but I'm in the prairie, and that's new, and that's beautiful, and IT'S LIKE I WASN'T ALIVE AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT LIFE COULD BE AND NOW I'M LIVING.

written July 19, 2017

Humility with a Disability

While working at a home for people with disabilities, one of the first things that stood out to me was the humility with which the residents accept our help. They are so grateful for what we do for them, and I think it takes a certain amount of character to even accept the help of others.

That said, working this job has not only opened my eyes up to many of the abilities I take for granted. It has also opened my eyes up to some of my own disabilities. I don't always think of them using that term, but I do have disabilities. One of the large difference between the disabilities of some of the people I work with and my own disabilities is that mine are invisible.

Just because my disabilities are invisible doesn't mean they aren't physical. They just don't show themselves in obvious external ways. I have to know my own limits by knowing what my body is telling me. Unless I lay on the floor after a fainting spell, people aren't likely to know that I am having a difficult physical reaction to things.

Here are a few side effects, stories, and strengths that come with my disability. I would like to point out from the start that feeling guilt and exercising humility are NOT the same thing! In fact, they can be the opposite. I will get to the humility stuff.

1. I feel so much guilt when others do so much for me and then I can't even do some small act for them because my body is absolutely exhausted from fighting its own battles (sometimes to the point where it becomes difficult to breath or to walk or talk). For example, I feel so much guilt when my mom does my laundry for me and then I can't even put it away abruptly because I'm struggling to even get through the other aspects of my day. The feeling of guilt exhausts my body all the more. There is such a strain on it. Anger and sadness sometimes top it off.

2. Having to call up my supervisor once to say I couldn't come into work was one of the hardest things I have ever done, because I don't entirely believe myself. Part of my disability is self-doubt. I tend to think I must be faking things and/or that it would be unnecessary and selfish to ask for accommodations. (I also have a fear that others won't believe me or take me seriously.)

I can't be like others I see who are charging ahead taking all sorts of fancy tests as full time students on top of working so many hours per week. I feel ashamed, angry, self-doubting when I look at what others are doing and see that I struggle to till the soil on the little plot of land God has given me while they're tilling a big plot of land. I feel inferior as I look at them. It takes maturity to know your limits and to accept that.

3. This brings me into another sort of story/fable/whatchamacallit. At work I find that residents sometimes get frustrated when they see other people doing things they can't. They want so badly to do these things. Occasionally they'll lash out with anger. In such situations it can be hard to have patience or to not take things personally.

Yet, I have a certain upper ground in this regard in comparison to some of my coworkers. The fact that I can relate to their desire to do something they can't as well as to the feelings of frustration or inferiority that come with it help me to better empathize with these people. While my disabilities may be less obvious to the common eye (which is often a blessing but comes with its own difficulties), I have a special connection with the residents in this way, and quite honestly I think sometimes the residents see it or sense it.

4. Honestly, one of the biggest reasons I try to hide my disabilities from people is that...well...when you walk into a job interview, "has a disability" isn't usually at the top of the list of traits an employer is looking for. Yes, most places have rules against discriminating based on disability, but I still have fears. Especially considering that the type of work I hope to go into involves working with vulnerable populations and often in difficult situations, I sometimes fear that employers won't think I can handle the intensity of a job and won't want me.

The truth in this situation, which I think it is important to note, is that maybe I can't handle some jobs or situations...and it requires humility to accept that... however, it is also important to recognize that in some occupations my supposed "disability" can be a strength! So long as I am taking adequate care of my own needs and acknowledge and monitor my own needs and limits, I may be the exact person some of these patients/clients/etc. need. When they need someone to connect with them (not defying professional boundaries of course), I can do that. Sometimes I might have a special eye or ear for someone who is in need. I can note things that it might be helpful for other staff members to realize and to be sensitive or attentive to.

See, that's where the humility comes in.

To get to the title of this blog post: shame and doubt in these situations aren't humility, but what I have to recognize is that this situation does give me opportunities to exercise humility!

The best and most difficult way that I can allow my disabilities to enrich my humility is by accepting my limits: not just acknowledging they're there but actually accepting them. 

This means having the maturity to tell others when something is too much for me.

This means accepting help from others (OUCH! It hurts to even say that!) even when that includes letter others so-to-speak "spoil me" in ways that other people might not be spoiled.

This means still loving myself.

This means embracing the fact that God may have given me a smaller (or at least "different") plot of land to till than other people all-the-while knowing that what God cares about is not doing great acts but rather doing small acts with great love. --Bringing Mother Teresa in there a bit;)-- 

Knowing that God love the little ones, the so-called "feeble," the hurting children.

For me, the fact that I can't do some things is a greater sacrifice than the fact that I can do some things. I tend to beat myself up for it and think I'm not worthy of that day off or that fresh breath of clean air or that walk in the park.

Why should I get to relax while they work? Shouldn't I earn my PhD first? Aren't I a financial burden? What do they mean they can do all those things and are busy and I say I can only do this much and I'm "busy"? -- These are all thoughts that go through my head regularly.

It's an opportunity to remember Mary and Martha. Jesus doesn't smile upon you when you wear yourself out to the point of breaking. In those moments, He cries along with you. Jesus smiles when you accept your little cross with humility (or rather than saying "little cross" perhaps I should say "invisible cross' in some cases?) and follow Him with love.

Jesus loves when you accept that you are small:

When you accept that you can, and when you accept that you can't.

He loves seeing those moments of humility in His children when they say, "I'm sorry, but I can't." He loves when you can still smile while working a part time job even while all of your friends seem to have two part time jobs or full time jobs. Jesus loves that! And I need to accept that to and remember that with a smile.

Because that is humility. Sometimes humility is in the acceptance of limits: of limits different from the limits of others. That's ok! That's good! 

I have a fear that I'll live in sloth, but this is when I must remember humility. 

DO WHAT I CAN,

AND

DON'T DO WHAT I CAN'T.

Jesus loves me just the way I am, and maybe you do to. Now hopefully I can learn to do the same.