Why I Choose To Wait

Today it is commonplace to expect people to have sex before marriage. So many people don't understand why a person would willingly choose to abstain from sex until marriage. I would like to provide the reasons I have decided to wait. Certainly, my faith plays into it, but the fear of sinning is far from the only reason I have decided to wait for sex. 

I am waiting, because I value certain things so much. I see them as so valuable and special and desire to live in a way that expresses what I value. 

Disclaimer: I do not assume to say that if you have decided to have sex outside of marriage you do not value any of these things, so please do not see this article as an attack but as an explanation. I hope you can understand my reasoning.

If it seems strange that I would sacrifice certain pleasures for the things I value, I would like to point out that people sacrifice lots of things for what they value. People sacrifice years of their life to obtain an education that will allow them to (or at least make it far more likely that they will get to) enter into the career field they so desire. 

People sacrifice years of their life on the battlefield in order to provide their families and loved ones with a safe place to live.

I am abstaining from sex until marriage in order to orient my life in a way that sets me up for the kind of life I hope to enter into: a life with security and happiness standing on top of the things I truly value.

I am choosing to wait, because I value...

--COMMITMENT

--ECONOMIC SECURITY

--A LOVING FATHER IN THE HOME

--OPENNESS TO LIFE

--A HEALTHY BODY (physical, psychological...)
--SELF-CONTROL

--SELF-GIFT

Further Explanation

COMMITMENT
If I am going to open myself up to a person in the most intimate way, I want to know this is someone I can trust. If the man engaging in this activity with me isn't willing to or doesn't want to commit to looking out for my well-being and that of our potential child, then he is really only in the act for his own gratification. I don't want to be with a man who sees me as a functional object to be used for the source of self-gratification. If I have sex with a man, I want the act to involve looking out for my good --> emotionally, physically, spiritually, economically. 
I'm not looking to be with a man who will eventually commit to me if I get pregnant. I want to be with a man who is already committed. If the man I am engaging in sex with isn't willing to "tie-the-knot" with me first, one thing I question is his motives. I also question how much he really thinks I am worth. If a man hasn't already fully committed to me, then his commitment is conditional. Even if a man says, "If you get pregnant, I'll marry you," that's still conditional. Why would I have to get pregnant in order for him to stay with me? WHY isn't he willing to tie the knot now? Is he not sure that I'm "worth it" -- that my sense of security is "worth it"? 

OPENNESS TO LIFE
When I say I believe ALL life have value and is worthy of love and respect, this includes people of all different levels of ability, development, socioeconomic status, and race. It has been biologically proven (and can also be shown through philosophy and reason) that a human being comes into existence from the moment of conception and leaves at his or her last breath. When I say that I believe all people have the right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," I truly mean that I believe that EVERY human being who is living has the right to remain so. Because I truly believe this, I am opposed to the use of abortion or birth control --> which I believe (1) right away promotes the idea that pleasure is of greater importance than treating every human life and potential human life as a priceless gift worthy of love and (2) sometimes even acts as an early abortifacient, which means that the child is conceived but dies due to not being provided with the conditions he or she needs to stay alive.

The reason I mention this value in explaining my decision to not have sex before marriage is because having sex before marriage would require going against at least one of my values. If I were using birth control so that I could have sex while still feeling economically secure (due to the ability to avoid conceiving or to get rid of any life once conceived), I would be going against my values of "openness to life" and "a healthy body."

ECONOMIC SECURITY
I don't want to have to wonder if I am going to get pregnant outside of marriage and take on the responsibility of single-parenting, and I don't consider birth control to be an ideal solution (for reasons listed under "openness to life" and "a healthy body"). I know that single mothers fight a rough battle, because they are not only taking on the responsibility of looking out for their children's everyday physical and emotional needs at home. In most cases, they are also responsible for being the primary (if not sole) financial provider for both themselves and their children. This is a lot for a person to take on on their own. I have decided to wait until marriage to have sex, so that I will have a loving and dedicated spouse to share in these responsibilities with me. 

A HEALTHY BODY 

Psychological: The wound of being so intimate with a man only to have him leave me and break my heart is not something I would like to deal with. I do not want to live in the psychological state of constantly being on edge or uncertain as to whether the person I have given myself to in the most intimate of ways will always be there for me. Sex lights up so many hormones that a person is naturally going to feel a special attachment to the other person and is thus prone to getting emotionally hurt. 

Physical: (1) I want to only have sex with one man in my life, and that man is my husband. Studies have shown that it is unhealthy for the body to have multiple sex partners. The body was not made for this. People who have various sex partners are prone to developing diseases that people who have only one sex partner are either not at risk of or at a very low risk of developing. Among diseases people who have had various sex partners are prone to developing are herpes and aids, but there is a much longer list of diseases than that. I do not want to put myself in a position where I am prone to these lifelong diseases. 

(2) People often use birth control these days (especially when they are engaging in premarital sex.) Another decision I have made is that I do not intend to ever use birth control. This decision not only has to do with my value of "openness to life." It also has to do with keeping my physical body safe and at optimal health. Because it alters a person's hormones, birth control comes with lots of negative side effects and health risks. I do not want to increase my risk of developing these symptoms or illnesses. I also want to my body to be in the best possible position to nurture a child when I do conceive. At least some, if not all, sorts of hormonal birth control act by doing harm to the lining of the uterus. Additionally, if a person uses birth control at one point and later hopes to conceive, the body is not in the most optimal position for this because mixed messages are being sent within the body. Is the body supposed to block the systems and processes that made conception possible, or is it supposed to nurture the child? Certainly, as we well know, a person who is on birth control and goes off of it (or sometimes even while on it) can indeed conceive a child. Yet, since the body learns behaviors (including but not limited to learning how to respond to potential conception or an early conception), it will have to unlearn behaviors. Rather than playing around with the hormones in my body, I want to give them a straight path so that they are at optimal function when I conceive rather than my body having to go through a period of recovery and restoration of function.

A LOVING FATHER IN THE HOME
My decision to not have sex before marriage does not only have to do with my hope for a healthy life for myself but also for my children. Studies have shown that children who are raised with a dependable father in the home are more likely  to have stable childhoods and to develop into healthy adults. Along with wanting a husband to help me provide for me and my children, I want my children to grow up with both a father and a mother in the home who they can look to for guidance and support. Men and women have both different and overlapping characteristics and traits that are beneficial for a child to see and experience. I want my children to come to know that they were brought into the world because two people who love and committed to each other wanted them, and I want my children to know that these two mutually-loving and dedicated people are people they can lean on in hard times and rejoice with in good times.

Of course, no marriage is perfect, and not having sex before marriage doesn't guarantee that I will end up with a kind, caring, and devoted man, but it does increase the chances, and don't we alter our behavior in other areas of our life to increase the chances of a positive outcome?

SELF-CONTROL

The more I lose control of myself in certain parts of my life (for example, I'm finally getting over a social media addiction and am attempting to improve my eating habits), the more I realize how much I value the ability to regulate myself and make decisions rationally versus being at the mercy of my body's every impulse. It doesn't feel good to lose control. In fact, it lowers my self-esteem. I'm not saying that people who have sex before marriage don't have any self control, but I want to be able to structure my life in a way that sets me up for success in the life I am striving for: hopefully a life with happy, healthy children; a life that promotes everyone's right to life and love regardless of ability, developmental level, economic status, race, etc.; a life that says I believe I am worth waiting for and committing to. Being able to say "this is what I want" and "I am capable of doing what it takes to set myself up to succeed" is a very empowering thing to be able to say. :)

SELF-GIFT

When I look at my life, I want it to be something I offer up for others. Jesus offered His life for me on the cross, and now I want to offer myself to Him and to His children by looking out for their well-being, by showing love towards them, by nurturing them, and by considering them to be just as important as myself. Therefore, as Christ gave Himself completely and unreservedly to me, I want to give myself completely and unreservedly to another. When I have sex with a man I want to not only be saying "Here is my body" but also "Here is my commitment. Here is my all." When I perform this ultimate act of intimacy, I also want it to be an ultimate act of self-gift, holding nothing back. I believe God gave us the gift of sex so that we would have the opportunity to provide as drastic and complete an act of self-gift as He provided for us. 

HEALTH BLOG #2 - Vocal Cord Dysfunction

I've been far more antisocial this past month than in previous months. I find the main reason for this is that once your life becomes more and more difficult due to health issues, one gets tired of and overwhelmed at the prospect of having to answer the question "how are you?" / "what's new?" / "how's life"? [It also becomes more difficult to go places, as your body feels so drained and confused.]

As I go through this year of self-care, we're finding more and more things. Allergy testing -- Depression -- Anxiety -- Potential PTSD -- Acid Reflux -- things I'd rather not name -- etc. etc. I'm trying a new diet: DAIRY FREE AND WHEAT-LIMITED. On top of that I'm supposed to avoid acidic foods due to reflux. 

I'm someone who has a hard time getting out of bed or going places due to anxiety and who-knows-what (still figuring stuff out), so AVOIDING certain foods isn't as big of an issue as making sure I EAT at all. I guess my body is accustomed to going through the day on a rice cake or no food, so I have to force myself to eat. Once I start eating, I want to keep eating due to the fact that it can be an anxiety-relieving activity. Preparing the food can be tiring. I have to set myself to it and am lucky if I get in a solid meal a day. People may ask "how do you function?" Fair question. I don't necessarily function, but this is normal for me.

People ask me, "Well, did these things just suddenly appear or have you had these symptoms in years past?" The best answer I can give is that I've had these health issues for the past 11-22 years, but I've chosen to avoid addressing them, and my symptoms have gradually become more severe.

The basic narration of my health journey over the past few years has been the doctor saying, "Yes. We can't find a cause of this [weakness, fatigue, etc.] Your testing came back negative. Much of it could be due to allergies or psychological problems."

I was diagnosed with asthma many years ago, but when I finally went to the allergist again this year -- after about a decade -- to see if we could identify triggers and some life adjustments could help lessen some symptoms [headaches, weakness, tingling, shortness of breath, itchiness] the breath tests showed that I did not have asthma. In fact, my ability to breath out was "above average." 

What we found was "below average" was my ability to breath in.

L  R

The vocal cord folds are the entrance for air to get into the lungs.

LEFT: My vocal cords in open resting position VCD.

Note: In my case, the vocal cords twitch nervously in anticipation that they may need to close all the way to block out potential threats to the lungs.

RIGHT: Approximately what the vocal cords look like (only slightly more open than) in a resting person without VCD.

The allergist suspected vocal cord dysfunction and sent me to a voice pathologist for testing. His guess was accurate. DEFINITE vocal cord dysfunction, and it's funny of how for all these years we didn't know this or I thought it must just be in my head.

Click here for an informative, 15 min. podcast on VCD.

Now for some questions I anticipate:

1) Did I always have this disorder? 

2) If so, why didn't I address it sooner?

I don't know exactly when this disorder began, but I suspect I have had it for as long as I can remember. I have had difficulty breathing for a long time, and I think I was diagnosed with asthma around the age of 11. Before age 11 I had some difficulty with breathing too, though I primarily remember it as being exercise-induced up until that point. Age 11 is when other disorders I have kicked-in, and I definitely think the various disorders contributed to each other. So I would say my vocal cords have been gradually closing for at least 11 years.

I wouldn't necessarily say I haven't addressed it. I have gone into the therapist with breathing problems every few months for the past many years. I'm often given breathalyzers to breath out into, since they thought I had asthma. I carry an inhaler. But I was misdiagnosed. We didn't really know the cause for these breathing issues up until now.

My other response to question two is that since I was a kid I'm accustomed to being told that I'm faking or exaggerating things. I've had perplexed doctors tell me, "It's not this. It's not that. It seems to simply be due to your psychological disorders." Sort of like "it must be all in your head." In this case I'd say "in my throat." Anyhow, doctors have been so perplexed for years telling me they can't find any problems with me that I've succumbed to the conclusion that most of my physical problems are "in my head." I think this is a big part of why I've developed such a "guilt complex."

3) How can it be treated?

As you will hear, if you listen to the podcast above, often more than one form of treatment is needed. 

I currently am seeing a voice therapist who gives me exercises to do at home to teach my vocal folds to open up. Not surprisingly, people with VCD often have issues with anxiety. The disorder can be anxiety-induced, and even if that isn't the case, surely a person will experience some anxiety if they aren't able to breath. Due to this and an array of issues related to the disorder, seeing a psychotherapist can be helpful to learn ways to calm one's body, live with the disorder, and lessen the symptoms.

I do not know if the disorder is curable. I doubt there's a perfect fix, but there are exercises that can be done to teach the vocal folds how to open, and a stress-reduced lifestyle can naturally help.

On the bright side, I seem to have something in common with one of my favorite film characters, Darth Vadar! :)

What Our Generations Are Losing: Self-Control

I've been wondering why I so impulsively spend time on the internet. Even when I know it makes me unhappy and that time off of it will eventually leave me happy, it's a sort of addiction. It draws me back. It's like there's a force that I don't know how to fight. Sometimes I succeed, and thank God for that. Often I don't. This isn't something I struggled with as a kid. I didn't have crazy obsessions with needing more: more computer, more iPod, more this-or-that, more snacks. Not because I want it, because I need it [or so my self tells me].

There are countless articles about how screen time harms brain cells and dis-regulates people's circadian rhythm. There are lots of articles warning that our next generation is coming up glued to the screen like super glue: unable to resist it, because they don't know how.

I've sensed that even when I spend my time with the screen looking up good things and so forth, there's still something detrimental about being in front of the screen.

Recently, I started a diet due to allergies. I've felt better since it: more-so psychologically than anything. I think it's because I'm finally starting to exercise self-control and that build up the foreign feeling of self-worth. The diet helps some due to the fact that I'm not eating certain foods that make my stomach upset, but I think the biggest thing it has done for me is it has given me a sense of worth and control. Now I think before I eat. And I don't just resist. I say no to things that aren't good for me. I won't just eat whatever I crave. I'm still prone to eating to try to reduce unpleasant feelings, but it's not like it was.

Many issues I deal with are related to psychological and other physical symptoms. That said, most of them relate to not knowing how to take control. It's the whole "I don't want to, but I do it anyways" and somehow I didn't know how not to. It sounds odd or irrational, but there's a strain on my body: an impulse I don't know how to control. I can tell it has something to do with my brain patterns.

I deal with it in relation to my sleep schedule, in relation to the media I watch... I'm finally getting a better hold on it in regard to the food I eat (though it could be better)... I have lots of addictions and phobias. I'm not saying that other things didn't lead to or contribute to these things, but the main thing I deal with now is feeling a lack of control.

I don't mean the kind of possessive control that dictators use over their people. I mean the ability to decide what and when I am going to do things. I'm like a slave to some unknown force that I can't describe as anything better than a glue-like addiction.

I guess these things (media devices, etc.) have become so commonplace in my life that I just don't feel safe without them. The unknown hurts, and even when I experience it and am glad to be away from the computer there's often a nagging force (almost like a vibration in the air) that calls me back.

But the media hurts even more. It's killing me, because I know I could live a fulfilling life where I have control. But I don't. It's hard. I'm afraid and unpracticed.

________________________________________

I'm grateful that I had a pretty media-free childhood. We watched some movies, but it was limited. We didn't watch TV at all except for a few months in fourth grade, so we didn't have to impulse that I need to be glued to the screen. We didn't go on the internet. I never played online games. The closest I came to that was a training program for speed typing in fifth grade, but even that was goal-oriented. We kept it from being an addiction. I was more interested in playing dolls, writing stories, or playing outside. By brain and body-brain connection felt (for the most part) healthy.

I'm so grateful I've had this, because I know even many children from my generation haven't, and hardly any children born even half a decade after me had this privilege: the privilege of being screen-free. Exercising self-control.

It's not that the media is the only thing that disregulates our brains and makes us lose control, but it certainly contributes. We learn we can no longer resist things that peek our interest. It's so easy to click on an add or the next episode in the sidebar on YouTube or to scroll through Facebook and refresh the page when one gets bored.

It's all training for: I see. I want. I take/do.

My brain is in training for this, and I need to take it back. The battle IS NOT going to be easy. I'll probably never have back exactly what I had before, but I want to take it back. I'm going to therapy now. I'm hoping to learn self-control. Not just impulse control but to control my fears.

I think the best form of retraining or untraining is PRACTICE. With that mysterious psychological force pulling my mind (called addiction or I want or don't want but impulsively need-->I take/do), this will probably be one of the hardest battles I ever face.

It will take effort to get my brain out of this impulse-serving mode. It's painful pulling off the glue. But I actually WANT TO LIVE. I think what's unfortunate is that much of the upcoming generation will never get to experience what true living (to not being slaves our impulses, passions, desires) is. 

It's so free. So beautiful.

I pray that some parents will still provide their kids with THE FREEDOM OF SELF-CONTROL by teaching them to limit media, not get a phone right away, avoid websites (especially some until a certain age), not insist on eating everything they crave in the moment, not buying every single toy on the market.

If you're born into slavery, how do you know what freedom is? What you're missing?

Yet I have hope that at least a few people in our upcoming generation will learn this discipline that makes it possible to breath, to mean it when you smile, to experience, to enjoy (vs. helplessly scrape for more) things.

Meanwhile, I'm going to try to do the hardest thing I have ever done. FIGHT THE FORCE. GET MY BRAIN BACK. 

I have been blessed to know what screen-freedom is like, to know that it's worth it. And I beg our next generation to give at least some of our children true childhoods (not iPad schools, not video game evenings, not TV dinners, not electronics for the holidays but textbook schools, evenings that include playground and ballgames and dolls, planned-out family dinners where people take responsible roles, REAL toys for the holidays) so that true freedom lives on.

And parents -- MOST importantly of all -- DON'T just hand your child your iPad while you're making dinner or taking a nap of need a little break. Let them get creative. Trust me. Kids can get creative if they get the opportunities and actually have decently self-regulated minds. It's what they were made to be.

Glorifying God Through Mental Illness: The Blessings Of Mental Illness

There's nothing glamorous about mental illness. It's painful in a whole different way from other illnesses, because on top of the physical pain it can be hard to even know what is true and what is false, and with it may come great moments of fear or scrupulosity or irregular activity. The thing I struggle with most with mental illness is a feeling of guilt, because I don't know when my inability to do things other people do is due to a lack in good character or something related to my illness. I overthink everything.

I wish to acknowledge these things, because some people with mental illness may be shocked or even hurt to hear me say "There Are Blessings That Come With Mental Illness." It might sound like I don't understand mental illness. Like I'm insensitive. The reason I know some people with mental illness might feel this way is because I often feel people don't understand. I can become easily angry when people treat it as "just" mental illness or are surprised by the fact that even in instances when I've had episodes of vomiting and being hardly conscious or have endured an ear infection, even IN those instances I have turned to God and said, "I would rather spend every night with these symptoms [vomiting over the toilet] than have to take another day with depression or anxiety." There is also irony in the fact that when I had an ear infection, while I wanted it to go away, I also acknowledged that "at least it distracts me from my depression which is more painful." I didn't miss a day of work [not even a 12 hour days] while I had an ear infection but have missed many due to depression and anxiety. I once told a friend - upon coming to the realization - that I was working myself sick because at least while I wasn't taking care of myself I could distract myself from the illnesses due to having no time to attend to or acknowledge their presence.

The above paragraphs are to let readers know that YES, I know firsthand how bad mental illness is. I don't know everyone's story. Many people suffer far worse than I do, but I DO know that it is an excruciating suffering, often a state of bewilderment, and it's just plain painful.

With the above being stated, I would like to describe a conversation I had with a friend not long ago. We were talking about the difficulties that come with mental illness when I told her, "It's funny, because sometimes I turn to God and think of asking Him to cure me of this illness, but then I'm not always sure that I want to do that, because what if without this illness I couldn't complete the plan He has for my life? If I didn't have this illness, I might lose some of the sensitivity and compassion I have for other people dealing with mental illness. I might not fight for them so much, care so much, etc."

Below I would like to explain three of the blessings I think come with having a mental illness:

1. We can offer it up to save souls.

Everyone in life suffers. We suffer from different things. Poverty, neglect, abuse, persecution... often from multiple things listed in the above categories. We each carry a cross. Some of our crosses are more invisible than others. 

For me personally, I am so incredibly blessed. A homeless veteran once told me that after seeing the world he realized that even living on the streets of Colorado he was one of the top 1% most privileged people in the world. That hit me hard. If he is in the top 1% most privileged, then what am I?

I thank God that I have something to offer Him. It's a difficult thing to offer Him, because sometimes in the midst of suffering I feel so much guilt that I have a hard time believing that good can come from these evils. Yet God works in incredible ways, and the truth is that, as we [people dealing with mental illness] perhaps sit in the middle of a psychotic breakdown and feel we are letting people down, that we are a burden, that the pain is too much, that more evil than good is in the midst of this... GOD IS WORKING MIRACLES THROUGH US IF WE OFFER IT UP. HE IS LOOKING DOWN ON US AND SAYING, "GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT, I AM PLEASED" even when we feel like the worst, most weak and negligent servant there is. 

By taking our cross and offering it up for the salvation of souls and various good causes, even by simply saying, "Lord, I accept this if it be Your Will," we are bringing so much glory to God. With mental illness we have the HONOR / PRIVILEGE of suffering for each other and with Jesus in an incredible way invisible to our eyes. Someday we will get to Heaven and see that not one drop of our suffering, our agony, was in vain - even when we felt hopeless.

2. It builds within us a compassion for others struggling with the illness and opens our eyes to things we might otherwise not see.

Just days after having the above conversation with a friend, I can across a quotation from St. Bernard which perfectly summed up what I was trying to explain to her. St. Bernard is quoted as saying "He who is well does not notice another's sickness; and he who is satiated does not understand the suffering of the hungry." 

The book continued, stating "The more a sick person resembles another sick person, and one hungry person another hungry person, the deeper is their sympathy for the other's difficulties" (How To Profit From Your Faults, by Joseph Tissot, 60).

Indeed. Perhaps my mental illness is integral to building my character and pointing me in the direction of the plans God has for my life. This doesn't mean I shouldn't ask Him to appease the pain. This doesn't even mean I have to go so far as to be grateful for the illness. Yet I personally find reason to be, because I want to fulfill what God made me to be more than I want a pain-free life. That pain-free life will be Heaven for me, and what GREATER rejoicing will I find in Heaven when I am able to say that not only did Christ drink His cup for me but I drank my cup for Him!

3. While sometimes it leads to sin, it can also keep us from committing worse sins at times.

There are certain sins that my mental illness points me towards. That said, my mental illness has also kept me from other sins. It helps me to look to Christ more rather than falling into the sin of thinking I'm so perfect and don't need God. It keeps me focused on looking for solutions at times when I might otherwise be scrolling through Facebook and comparing myself to others on there.

I once saw a comic with a picture of a person yelling to God, "God, why have you abandoned me!?" Meanwhile, a bunch of guardian angels are fighting demons that are running at the person in every direction. Sometimes we are so blinded by the hardships in front of us that we don't see the thousands which God is saving us from.

4. It leaves us unsatisfied: wanting peace, wanting more...

"Our hearts are restless until they rest in You." We hear and say this over and over again, but mental illness really brings our understanding of this reality to the forefront!

Everyone lives with a pain and emptiness within them. I have finally come to the realization that this pain and emptiness is not simply due to my depression. But my depression certainly builds my awareness of it!

As we suffer here on earth, experiencing great pain and anguish, this reminds us of a truth. While mental illness unfortunately leads many to forget the truth that they are PRICELESS, it certainly brings to our conscience the truth that WE CAN'T DO THIS ON OUR OWN and builds within us a hope that we were MADE FOR SOMETHING MORE.

How impoverished we would be if we went through life without a single pain yet unaware of the great hole within us that God wants to fill with the treasure of Himself. We would have so little, yet not realize that we were missing out on something so great. We would not come to the realization that we are not made for something more. This in itself would be a tragedy.

Personally, I find that as I suffer this builds within me a greater desire for Heaven and the resurrection of the dead (myself among them). My emptiness has been magnified by mental illness, and I have tried to fill it with distractions and tangible comforts and pleasures. But when it all comes down to it, I still sense that something is missing, and this points me to CHRIST. In prayer I find my greatest comfort. It is the one place where I find peace, where things are not tinted in superficiality (though I would not go so far as to say that I find submitting to prayer easy).

Suffering reminds us of our inadequacy and points us to our purpose. "Ask and ye shall receive. Seek and ye shall find." With my mental illness, I know that I desire something more. I desire a purpose. I desire peace. I desire a better life. That purpose is living for Christ. That peace is found in the depths of prayer and devotion. And that better life sits before me in Heaven if I but carry this cross with Jesus and Mary by my side and eyes lifted high.

HEALTH BLOG #1 - Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Allergies

I considered starting a new blog specifically dedicated to health. I considered posting more things on YouTube related to mental health. I considered making a new Facebook page or converting my old one to be dedicated to mental health. I considered starting a Website, but I already made one long ago, so should I convert that? I wondered whether I should keep things strictly to my Facebook page or have them on parts of the Internet to help other people or... 

Ok. So I'm still that girl who wrote the first blog on this page - "Accepting Every Part of Me" - and will never be able to grasp myself in one little box or dedicate myself entirely to ONE focus, because that's not how I roll. So I'm going to do what I said I would in my very first blog and have this blog compromise different parts of me. This blog just happens to be part of the HEALTH segment. 

Let's go.

There isn't exactly a way to sum up my conditions, so I'm just going to limit myself to a short segment on each of them in this blog post.

Depression

1. What is depression?

Click here for a short description of the disorder. Depression is considering a mood disorder, but it is so much more than in the head. It manifests itself physically as well as psychologically. (If you have time, click here for a 20 minute movie describing depression more accurately than any video I've seen or article I've read.)

2. What does depression feel like?

Depression is a different experience for each person who suffers with it. Symptoms may also vary from day-to-day. Depression is often best described in metaphors, as we lack a vocabulary to truly describe it. While sadness is one possible side effect of depression, other ways it can be described include as a feeling a hollowness or emptiness, numbness of the skin or other body parts, a feeling of an invisible pressure or heaviness holding down the body physically. This is a way my depression commonly manifests itself.

3. How does depression affect my daily life?

The feeling of numbness I described above often results in physical difficulty getting up each morning. This can result in my missing work or sleeping in until the last minute and barely eating breakfast since the food doesn't want to go down. I noted to my therapist once that I didn't miss a single day of work when I had an ear infection, but that it was so much easier going to work with an ear infection than with depression. She seemed surprised, but to me that's an obvious fact. I can go a day or more without leaving the house due to this numb feeling (even though I want to get out, see friends, and be productive). 

4. How do I try to treat my depression?

Their are various ways to treat depression. Right now I am on medications and seeing a therapist. I hope to add in physical exercise and to get myself some good nutrition. Massage therapy may also come in the loop. I hope it will bring a feeling of positivity and presence back into my body. A hobby that keeps me up during the day without increasing my depression (like social media does) could be helpful as well.

5. How does this disorder interact with my other disorders?

All the conditions I deal with are so interlinked that it's hard to tell what symptoms are actually caused my what. For example, some of the symptoms I bring up in the anxiety disorder segment below might also have a relationship to my depression such as headaches. It's hard to know if some of my physical sensations such as headaches are more related to depression, anxiety, or allergies.

Anxiety Disorder

1. What is anxiety disorder?

Click here for a short description of the disorder. 

2. What does anxiety disorder feel like?

I chose the picture above to try to describe the sensation of chronic anxiety. The best way I can describe it to someone without the disorder is like this. Imagine you're hiking on a mountain by a cliff and suddenly your foot slips on the ledge. For the following half second your breath halts and your whole body snaps into action without your conscious control as you reach out to catch yourself on the ground. Now imagine that half second going on perpetually. That's anxiety. Your whole body is in tense, self-preservation mode. Your adrenaline is rushing. Imagine your body never went out of that panic state or that your heart is racing as you look over the cliff that you almost fell over.

3. How does anxiety disorder affect my daily life?

Anxiety manifests itself in so many ways. One might think that in the morning, when my depression is telling me I can't move my anxiety disorder would tell me to spring into action. Actually, my anxiety disorder keeps me transfixed to the bed or from leaving the living room. In order to fight back against the physical weight of depression, the energy required to get me out of bed would be so great that it would set my heart racing. The cushions I am laying on feel like the only safe place.  Considering the fact that getting up to go to the bathroom sounds like walking on a ledge (adrenaline-wise) and going to work sounds like falling over that ledge (adrenaline-wise), my anxiety results in my laying in bed watching YouTube and THEN beating myself up for the fact that I'm ruining my life and being a drag and am such a problem (self-talk).

[Getting up to go to work sounds like being trapped in a corner with strong force looming over me, holding me there.]

4. How do I try to treat my anxiety disorder?

Once again, the treatments I am on are medications and receiving therapy. I think that getting good nutrition and plenty of exercise to let out the energy-drive overload is AT LEAST as important in treating my anxiety as my depression. 

5. How does this disorder interact with my other disorders?

Having anxiety and depression is like having two forces pressing on your body. The depression is pushing downward (making it hard to rise) while the anxiety is pushing upward (making it difficult to find peace even while laying in bed). Allergies just add confusion to the mix.

Allergies

1. What is an allergy and how does it "express itself"?

Click here for a wonderful, concise description of the biology of allergies.

2. What do my allergies feel like?

Hm. Does the picture above give you some idea? Last week, when I had allergy testing done, my back looked like that (but worse). For me allergies present themselves the most in sensations of itchiness all over the skin and in drainage in my nose that often goes into my throat. (Extreme itchiness can be worse than any other type of pain I've experienced.) The pressure in my head due to allergy often gives me headaches and eye-aches and sometimes earaches. 

3. How do my allergies affect my daily life?

If my headaches are caused my allergies, then I can definitely say that they keep me up some nights. I received allergy testing last week (like in the picture above) and tested positive to about 45 of the 54 environmental causes tested for. Because of how numerous my allergies are and because few, if any, seem to be life-threatening (though highly unpleasant), I tend to put up with being in the presence of or exposed to things I am allergic to. (For example, you can't really avoid birch trees in Minnesota if you want to get any sunshine, right?) That said, there are some things I have to tell people I am allergic to (such as shaving cream) or my nose turns into an instant waterfall (no exaggeration). I have to be careful what textures I expose my skin to, what perfumes are in the air, and an wary of certain foods or chemicals.

4. How do I try to treat my allergies?

I am currently on medications which help SO MUCH but do not eliminate my allergies. If I were not on medications it would be like being in a torture chamber. (I know this because I had to go off my meds for 5-7 days prior to allergy testing.) I am working on organizing my surroundings so that at least at home my worst allergies (such as to dust) are less activated. I hope to also isolate which foods make me feel better or worse.

5. How do my allergies interact with my other health conditions?

People tend to not take my allergies seriously because they aren't life-threatening, and when I request accommodations for them I tend to feel like a burden. Because it is hard to know what causes what (ex: headaches, moodiness, and so forth), I often am not 100% sure what I am allergic to or how allergic I am to it. When I am not 100% sure that something is as allergy (which is usually the case), I internally beat myself up for "faking it" or "making a big deal out of things." These negative inside voices link back to my anxiety and depression.

My Favorite Star Wars Character: Darth Vader & Divine Mercy

I'll admit I first became a Darth Vader super fan due to having a crush on Anakin. I first saw the Star Wars movies in January 2016.

(Photos courtesy Google Images)

Episode 3 is so painful yet also so insightful with many beautiful scenes and many horrifying and heart-wrenching scenes.

For me, the most painful scene in Star Wars is when Darth Sidious talks to Anakin alone in the senate room and starts to get a hold on him: taking a virtuous quality in Anakin (a desire to see his loved ones live) and twisting it against him through falsehoods and seduction, using Anakin's pride and fear as a griphold.

My absolute favorite scene in Star Wars is the scene in the throne room where Luke, Darth Vader, and Darth Sidious fight each other. Even under his mask, I can see the interior battle happening within Anakin as he watches Darth Sidious torturing his son before turning against Sidious and saving Luke. A CHANGE IN HEART at that ultimate moment. So beautiful! To me one of the most beautiful moments in cinematic history!

I find Star Wars to be such an uplifting and insightful series. It's full of analogies and statements... truly symbolic.

What stands out to me the most in Star Wars is the beautiful relationship between Luke and the good and Luke and his father. Luke never actually gives up on his father. Even when things seem discouraging and hopeless, he continues to express his love for his father, to tell him there is still good in him, and to invite him to come to the good side.

What a beautiful example for each of us in our own lives and in every encounter we have with another or even with ourselves. We all have a little Luke and a little Darth Vader within us.

We must never lose hope in each other or stop loving each other. God doesn't! And we should never lose hope in ourselves or believe it's too late to turn to the good and try again. These are lessons that Star Wars can teach us. It's not just fantasy. It's filled with reality.

Even on our deathbeds, even today, even now -- regardless of how bad our sins are (just think of Anakin and the countless lives he took and weaknesses he gave into) -- we can turn to each other and say as Luke said, "I know there is still good in you," and turn to Our Lord (Whom we have hurt most of all) and hear Him say, "Come to me, and I will give you rest... I am the Divine Mercy."

What greater love or mercy is there than that? Let's love, respect, and live the Divine Mercy every day just as Luke and Our Lord did and turn back to the good like Anakin.

Don't Give Into The Post-College Assumption

I've written a lot of posts for myself, but this one is for you guys!

I've been out of college for just over four months now, and since graduation I've been trying to meet with friends on about a weekly basis for coffee dates. I love to check with people and to see how they are. I always find that my friendships are life giving, and to me friendship is what life is truly about.

I just checked my planner, and over the course of these past few months I've been on 19 coffee dates with fellow post-grads. 19! And I want to share something about those coffee dates with all of you... 

Not ONE person amidst those coffee dates has told me that he or she is perfectly happy with his or her life!

They've shared with me the stresses of school, finding a job, relationships, faith life, feelings of emptiness, uncertainties... the list goes on and on. Not ONE person I met with told me that they are stress-free and have got their life all in order.

I think many or all of us (definitely myself included) leave college and look around at our friends, classmates, fellow-grads, and we think they have everything in order. This person is getting married. That person is pursuing their masters. This person has a full-time job. This person has a nice home. This person is going on an adventure. Yada-yada.

(Photo courtesy Google Images)

There are so many beautiful things about life, but if you go through life thinking that ANY one of those people feels like they've got everything together...YOU ARE MISTAKEN. 

It's our 20s, and we're living life. We're figuring things out. That person who you see just got a ring on his or her finger is already worrying about the next step or may be dealing with the loss of a loved one. That person with the beautiful house is dealing with feelings of loneliness. That person pursuing a degree is struggling to also juggle a job and get a decent amount of sleep each night.

See. It's ok to be imperfect. It's ok to have insecurities. It's ok to still be looking for that job. It's ok to not have that boyfriend or girlfriend. It's ok to be continually discerning one's vocation. It's ok to be struggling with one's faith life, sleep schedule, diet, just getting out of bed every morning...

This doesn't make you a loser. You are NOT alone.

I know from experience that it's one thing to hear someone tell you "It's ok" and it's another thing to internalize it. Many of us will have to be reminded this time and time again. We may struggle to grasp it. But I hope that if we try to grab on to the reality that NO ONE has his or her stress-free life together, that it's ok to not always know the next step, that it's ok to be who we are and where we are right now, if we just keep reminding ourselves this...

I hope that one day you'll believe it. (Because I'm just finally starting to.)

The Cross of Non-Vulnerability

People say that being vulnerable is scary, but what I really think is scary is the thought of being vulnerable with someone who doesn't want you to be vulnerable with them. This might not be the case for all people, but I still have this sense that deep down we all want to share about ourselves. We want to be known, but we don't really think anyone cares.

Personally, I think the idea of being vulnerable with people is freeing. It hurts when people don't want to get to know the real me.

Do I have the right to be known? I've always assumed no, but for the first time I think that might be wrong. Maybe if I actually acknowledged my worth I would go up to the people I call friends and say, "Here's the real me. Take it or leave it." 

I feel like so many of my friends are afraid to get to know the real me, but that's actually really degrading if that's the case.

I think the main reason people are afraid of others being vulnerable with them is because it makes them feel helpless. They feel guilt for the fact that someone just opened up their heart to them and they can't help them. If you think about it, that's actually selfish: forcing people to hide behind walls so that you don't have to face the reality that you might just need to be their friend and not get exalted to the position of savior.

Until we let others open up to us, we aren't actually accepting them or showing them their worth. How disgusting is that, if you think about it? So many of us (perhaps everyone) is hiding some wound deep inside - some integral part of them - that they don't want others to see, because they assume that others don't want to see or know about it but just want to stay in their comfortable little lives. I hope this assumption is wrong; otherwise, it turns out we really are a cold-hearted people.

How many people are not being touched by Christ, because people aren't letting Christ work through them as listener and comforter? If no other comfort, there is a comfort in being listened to.

Are we ruled by fear our courage? 

I'll be the first to admit that for me it's fear: not fear of people opening up to me but of people not wanting me to open up to them.

I pray that more people will open themselves up to others as listeners. Stop turning away our friends. Stop saying, "I love you, but don't tell me." Stop giving them the vibe that you have boundaries with them that won't let them be human.

I would like to set a new personal boundary. And this boundary says that if you don't want to get to know me for me then this isn't really a friendship and why am I wasting my time on this facade?

Self-Neglect Is Not Humility (Killing Myself Slowly)

I think for most people, when they hear a term like "self-abuse" they right away think physical abuse like cutting, but I must note that abuse falls into multiple categories and one of these is most certainly neglect.

Am I finding time to maintain a proper diet? 

Am I consistently eating healthy foods every day?

Am I getting the proper amount of sleep I need or forcing my body to sacrifice routine?

Do I have a social life where I get support from peers?

Am I finding time to work out to attain/maintain physical and psychological health?

Am I physically straining my body beyond a safe and healthy level of activity?

Am I finding time to maintain my own sanity and enjoy life through recreation & relaxation?

In other words:

Are my physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual needs being met?

This list is not all-encompassing and could be much longer...

I've been living under the presumption that it's okay (in fact, good and selfless) for me to not take care of myself so long as I am sacrificing my own self-care for the care of others. However, I have recently learned that is not the case. (Praise the Lord!)

Indeed, in the Hierarchy of Charity, we are supposed to take care of our own needs before we take care of those of others. We may have all heard the phrase "take care of yourself first or you will have nothing left to give others." However, this phrase can be misconstrued. We do not simply take care of ourselves so that we can take care of others. We have value in ourselves too!!!

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your bodies." (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

"Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in your midst? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy that person; for God's temple is sacred, and you together are that temple." (1 Corinthians 3:16-17)

"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death." (Philippians 1:20)

I did not realize that self-care is a Christian practice prescribed by God! Nor did I realize that it is actually wrong to tend to others needs at the neglect of your own.

I recently read through an article that was pretty self-descriptory. The article talked about tendencies certain types of people have, and so many of these tendencies were to demean and devalue themselves. Literally, when I looked at these descriptions - while I recognized the tendencies four-fold - as I pictured anyone else doing them I thought, "This is sad! It makes me sad to even think that anyone would treat himself this way! Nobody should be treated this way. Not by others or by himself."

Now that I think about it, over a year ago I was having a conversation with my spiritual director when she told me that we tend to look at canonized saints and their self-sacrificing living which often include inflicting pain of themselves. She explained to me that we are not all called to that lifestyle. This was a novelty to me. I only just now began to internalize the message not only that we are not called to hurt ourselves through intentional infliction of pain but also that we are called to not neglect our own needs. Self-neglect is not a holy and sacred practice. You are neglecting God's temple: a gift that He has prized to you and that He desires to see flourish.

Self-abuse is not only active but passive. 

With this is mind, I would like to share some ideas for things for you to put on your radar. Each day ask yourself:

Your self-care list may vary slightly, but overall it should include the important things. Take care of yourself! You will by no means be 100% perfect, but you should always be working towards the goal of meeting all of these needs. If your needs are not being met, it's important to reach out for help. That is NOT selfish. That is acknowledging your worth as a Temple of the Holy Spirit and taking care of that temple. 

Try making this your daily checklist. Talk to friends, a priest, a psychologist, etc. if you are having a difficult time making the completion of this checklist possible... you are not alone! 

The Day I Learned I'm Not Superhuman: Shift Work Sleep Disorder

It was one of the most stressful morning's of my life. I had worked four awake nights (10pm-6am) throughout the week and had swapped shifts with someone so that I was also working a Saturday shift (6am-2pm). A body like mine just couldn't handle it, and I wish I had realized that sooner so that I wouldn't let people down.

See, this is the life of a health care professional working inconsistent and early shifts.

For someone like me you just have to learn and accept your body's limitations. The reason I agree to do many things is because I don't want to let people down. However, in the end I'm either letting my body down or letting others down worse.

This particular morning caused me so much stress that my heart was becoming weak for lack of oxygen. I wasn't in a full-fledged panic attack. I couldn't have one of those in the moment, but my body was waning away. When I woke up I felt rather numb. On top of other health concerns, I had only slept 2-3 hours the night prior due to my scheduling being off (insomnia), and I had gotten very frustratingly inconsistent sleep throughout the week as I tried to get my body to do what it had to do to get my shifts done. My body didn't want to sleep all day, but what was worse was getting up at 4:45am mornings.

In my position, you can't just call in right before work and say, "I'm sick. My body is numb. My heart is giving out on me from fatigue. I can't come in." -- In my position (shift work) you're also more likely to HAVE morning's like this (at least if you're me), because your body is so drained and wasn't made to function this way. -- You have to predict at least the night before if you'll be sick, and even this is a bad idea. You have to know at least 24 hours in advance to get an emergency sub. In my case... yikes. I guess I should've known my body would give out on my on a schedule like this, but I wanted to be super human.

LESSON LEARNED: Shifts that require getting up at 4:45am do not work for me (getting up anytime before 6am is a nightmare), and jobs that require shift work are not ideal for my body.

Maybe these shifts work for some people, and I'm glad those people exist!

I guess now I know more about myself, although I'm super sorry to have let people down. Of all things in life, the MOST painful thing for me is letting people down. It drives me nuts. It gives me panic attacks. I have depression and severe anxiety disorder, and the two things that truly stress me the most are (1) sleep exhaustion, (2) letting people down.

So it's a year of learning. I'm learning to take myself seriously. I'm learning my limitations. This is good. Praise the Lord for helping me and not having me learn these lessons in a more drastic way. Even if this seemed drastic and was drastic, it could have been much worse.

This is a short blog post with an important lesson and a simple yet incredibly helpful reflection.

I continue to be in awe of all the health care professionals out there who work day in and day out on absolutely ridiculous shifts. I think something should be done about the inconsistency of the schedule if it can, because if you're going to help someone with their own health you first need to take care of your own.

Anyhow, kuddos to all you cool people out there! You're superhuman, and I have learned that I am not, and I am grateful for that. I am grateful to accept that I have limitations. There's some beauty in limitation. (In letting others down? No. But in knowing there is a time to say no and to simplify your life and stay sane with good reason. Yes.)

I hope someday the world will make better conditions for health care workers, and I have a new founded respect for people in this field. I don't think this is proper treatment of a human's circadian rhythm, but YOU GO, GUYS! 

When I said ta-ta to Facebook

1. I stopped being obsessed with comparing myself to others.
When I go on Facebook, my mind is CONSTANTLY comparing myself to others both when I'm on Facebook and when I'm off. I'm always thinking of the latest post. I'm thinking of who is dating whom or how so and so will respond. I'm thinking about who commented on what and how it's not fair that they can get away with it, or I'm looking at who liked what.

2. I no longer burrow (is that the word?) anger against others so much.
Admittedly, going on Facebook I am constantly frustrated with people: sometimes for the wrong reasons. Often, when I should be happy for someone, I am jealous. I get sick of all the comparisons or jealous of others for getting so many compliments, etc. etc. I get very angry at people for building up people for certain things as if they are the most pivotal things in the world. (I know. That's a vice of mine :P) I get upset about constantly feeling I need to compare regardless of where I consider myself to be on the comparison scale.

3. I have a better self-image/public-image.
When caught up with Facebook, I always stress about how I'm posting too much or should I post this or not that. I'm always worried about what so and so will think of my post. I'm always in admiration of those who hardly ever go on Facebook or rarely post. I get mad at myself for feeling a lack of impulse control, because I really want to post something and then if so-and-so doesn't like it I feel really stupid, or I go into comparison mode and think "I'm more like ___ and want to be more like ___." When off Facebook, I can love myself more. I'm being who I want to be and don't have to think about how I am going to portray myself to the world on the daily.

4. I'm no longer drawing so many false conclusions or making up as many stressful or even engaging scenarios in my head.
The transformation is UNREAL when I think about it. A few weeks ago I COULD NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME live in the moment. I would try but my thoughts would always go to worrying about the future and making up scenarios. My entire mental dialogue was a bunch of made up scenarios. I still do dialogue in my head some, but it's so much better, and I have much more control over it. I'm not worried about the future anymore. I'm not worried about not being enough in the now. I love myself and where I'm at. I'm grateful that I'm where I'm at. For the first time I'm not stressed with wanting a boyfriend. I'm actually grateful that God has put me exactly where I am now and that he hasn't given me certain things I've asked for and has given me others. My eyes have been opened to the beauty of His blessings and the tranquility --> much of this is due to prayer, but being off of Facebook has certainly helped. I don't have to be constantly thinking, "What am I going to post about this tonight?" or "How/when should I respond to so-and-so?"

5. I'm reading!
The first few days it seemed weird when I had that spare minute and had to find something non-Facebook to do. It didn't feel bad. It felt rather good. It was just weird. Now...I LOVE IT!!! I love diving into these worlds that help me grow as a person or simply bring me joy. Reading novels isn't such a pain, because I don't have to compare myself to the characters to the extent where "Do I have a love like there's?" I enjoy reading for reading. I enjoy sitting in the hammock on the rare occasions when I get the chance. And I value these free moments more, because I really rarely do have time to read. When I actually come home from work and have time to sit down and read a book, that's a GIFT. When I set down a book I look forward to the next time I can pick it back up, but it's also good because I'm living life in-between it and that's what's keeping me from reading the book straight through: life, not Facebook.

6. I'm developing and realizing the beauty of REAL relationships in my life.
I've managed to get coffee with a number of people over the summer. I have been SOOO blessed! I'm starting to communicate with people more through text which seems more intimate in the sense that I'm in direct communication with this person and not just posting things for all the world to watch or observe or compare or see etc. etc. When I text people it's usually to check up on something and/or see when we can get together. More often the later which is DIVINE. When I've gotten coffee with people, I've realized HOW MUCH I value these solid beautiful relationships, and I see how God knows and has provided me with the exact friends I need at the exactly right time. I love to grow in these relationships off the web. For the first time, I'm feeling a healthy connection with people and gratitude for people that I haven't had in years if ever before. It's a CONNECTION. It's a real friendship and relationship versus something to make me look popular on Facebook. I never realized how much I lacked until I found this. The fact that this exists is absolutely beautiful. I must've forgotten what friendship was. I've never known friendships like these. Cultivating relationships with a few people, a manageable number, and actually being able to INVEST in these relationships and experience others love for me and my love for them is incredible.

7. On and on...
There's no way I could make a post comprising all the blessings I have received from going off of Facebook. The experience is INCREDIBLE. It's like breathing a whole new refreshing air after being suffocated and punched in the chest for years. It's friendships and relationships: things I have found I haven't known the meaning of since childhood. Adult relationships. So beautiful. Friendships. That's what this is. I'm no longer a fish swimming in a chaotic see. I'm in a prairie where I get to smell all the beautiful flowers, maybe trip on a stone and examine the wound, maybe there's a gust of wind that makes me stay put to learn through a tough experience, but I'm in the prairie, and that's new, and that's beautiful, and IT'S LIKE I WASN'T ALIVE AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT LIFE COULD BE AND NOW I'M LIVING.

written July 19, 2017

Humility with a Disability

While working at a home for people with disabilities, one of the first things that stood out to me was the humility with which the residents accept our help. They are so grateful for what we do for them, and I think it takes a certain amount of character to even accept the help of others.

That said, working this job has not only opened my eyes up to many of the abilities I take for granted. It has also opened my eyes up to some of my own disabilities. I don't always think of them using that term, but I do have disabilities. One of the large difference between the disabilities of some of the people I work with and my own disabilities is that mine are invisible.

Just because my disabilities are invisible doesn't mean they aren't physical. They just don't show themselves in obvious external ways. I have to know my own limits by knowing what my body is telling me. Unless I lay on the floor after a fainting spell, people aren't likely to know that I am having a difficult physical reaction to things.

Here are a few side effects, stories, and strengths that come with my disability. I would like to point out from the start that feeling guilt and exercising humility are NOT the same thing! In fact, they can be the opposite. I will get to the humility stuff.

1. I feel so much guilt when others do so much for me and then I can't even do some small act for them because my body is absolutely exhausted from fighting its own battles (sometimes to the point where it becomes difficult to breath or to walk or talk). For example, I feel so much guilt when my mom does my laundry for me and then I can't even put it away abruptly because I'm struggling to even get through the other aspects of my day. The feeling of guilt exhausts my body all the more. There is such a strain on it. Anger and sadness sometimes top it off.

2. Having to call up my supervisor once to say I couldn't come into work was one of the hardest things I have ever done, because I don't entirely believe myself. Part of my disability is self-doubt. I tend to think I must be faking things and/or that it would be unnecessary and selfish to ask for accommodations. (I also have a fear that others won't believe me or take me seriously.)

I can't be like others I see who are charging ahead taking all sorts of fancy tests as full time students on top of working so many hours per week. I feel ashamed, angry, self-doubting when I look at what others are doing and see that I struggle to till the soil on the little plot of land God has given me while they're tilling a big plot of land. I feel inferior as I look at them. It takes maturity to know your limits and to accept that.

3. This brings me into another sort of story/fable/whatchamacallit. At work I find that residents sometimes get frustrated when they see other people doing things they can't. They want so badly to do these things. Occasionally they'll lash out with anger. In such situations it can be hard to have patience or to not take things personally.

Yet, I have a certain upper ground in this regard in comparison to some of my coworkers. The fact that I can relate to their desire to do something they can't as well as to the feelings of frustration or inferiority that come with it help me to better empathize with these people. While my disabilities may be less obvious to the common eye (which is often a blessing but comes with its own difficulties), I have a special connection with the residents in this way, and quite honestly I think sometimes the residents see it or sense it.

4. Honestly, one of the biggest reasons I try to hide my disabilities from people is that...well...when you walk into a job interview, "has a disability" isn't usually at the top of the list of traits an employer is looking for. Yes, most places have rules against discriminating based on disability, but I still have fears. Especially considering that the type of work I hope to go into involves working with vulnerable populations and often in difficult situations, I sometimes fear that employers won't think I can handle the intensity of a job and won't want me.

The truth in this situation, which I think it is important to note, is that maybe I can't handle some jobs or situations...and it requires humility to accept that... however, it is also important to recognize that in some occupations my supposed "disability" can be a strength! So long as I am taking adequate care of my own needs and acknowledge and monitor my own needs and limits, I may be the exact person some of these patients/clients/etc. need. When they need someone to connect with them (not defying professional boundaries of course), I can do that. Sometimes I might have a special eye or ear for someone who is in need. I can note things that it might be helpful for other staff members to realize and to be sensitive or attentive to.

See, that's where the humility comes in.

To get to the title of this blog post: shame and doubt in these situations aren't humility, but what I have to recognize is that this situation does give me opportunities to exercise humility!

The best and most difficult way that I can allow my disabilities to enrich my humility is by accepting my limits: not just acknowledging they're there but actually accepting them. 

This means having the maturity to tell others when something is too much for me.

This means accepting help from others (OUCH! It hurts to even say that!) even when that includes letter others so-to-speak "spoil me" in ways that other people might not be spoiled.

This means still loving myself.

This means embracing the fact that God may have given me a smaller (or at least "different") plot of land to till than other people all-the-while knowing that what God cares about is not doing great acts but rather doing small acts with great love. --Bringing Mother Teresa in there a bit;)-- 

Knowing that God love the little ones, the so-called "feeble," the hurting children.

For me, the fact that I can't do some things is a greater sacrifice than the fact that I can do some things. I tend to beat myself up for it and think I'm not worthy of that day off or that fresh breath of clean air or that walk in the park.

Why should I get to relax while they work? Shouldn't I earn my PhD first? Aren't I a financial burden? What do they mean they can do all those things and are busy and I say I can only do this much and I'm "busy"? -- These are all thoughts that go through my head regularly.

It's an opportunity to remember Mary and Martha. Jesus doesn't smile upon you when you wear yourself out to the point of breaking. In those moments, He cries along with you. Jesus smiles when you accept your little cross with humility (or rather than saying "little cross" perhaps I should say "invisible cross' in some cases?) and follow Him with love.

Jesus loves when you accept that you are small:

When you accept that you can, and when you accept that you can't.

He loves seeing those moments of humility in His children when they say, "I'm sorry, but I can't." He loves when you can still smile while working a part time job even while all of your friends seem to have two part time jobs or full time jobs. Jesus loves that! And I need to accept that to and remember that with a smile.

Because that is humility. Sometimes humility is in the acceptance of limits: of limits different from the limits of others. That's ok! That's good! 

I have a fear that I'll live in sloth, but this is when I must remember humility. 

DO WHAT I CAN,

AND

DON'T DO WHAT I CAN'T.

Jesus loves me just the way I am, and maybe you do to. Now hopefully I can learn to do the same.